It seems kind of unfair sometimes, when I think of it. The story I was given, all complicated and such. Then let’s add the ADHD in there, where I have trouble remembering things, and keeping good track of stuff. With the bonus symptom of a good bit of RSD thrown in for good measure.

RSD – Rejection sensitivity dysphoria, it just blows.

What is rejection sensitive dysphoria? RSD is an overwhelming emotional sensation that a person may experience in response to an actual or perceived rejection or criticism. It is a serious condition that can result in low mood and self-esteem and is not a person being overly sensitive.

So, since I am in the process of seeking out an agent and sending a bit of my work/heart into the world, in hopes of being noticed, I am quite proud of myself that I am not now stuck in a hole in a tree somewhere, licking my primordial wounds.

Yesterday I submitted four queries, to people I was excited about. I thought the words had merit and would give the person an idea of what I was doing. I went to bed, hopeful and calm.

Alas, I woke up to a rejection. Could they not have waited a full day? The typical wait time is two weeks to six months? It was such shit, she had to turn it around in one night?

Ugh. And I know that I am doing that to myself, she was probably just clearing her email box, and mine had tumbled in at the last minute when she was close. So zap!

There have been some changes in me over the last year or so, ones that are helping me navigate the rejections I have had. Up to 22 today.

I read about some people getting hundreds and good god, I do not want to have to get through that, one by one, but it gives a perspective for sure.

So why do I want to get published anyway, you may ask. I have thought about it a lot. It isn’t ego, it isn’t money, it isn’t for the fame that might be possible. It really is because I want to help people. Help them navigate some potentially similar waters with a maybe new perspective, one that might help them through or keep them from getting stuck in bitterness.

My mom just texted me, “Maybe your book is self help instead of women’s fiction mixed with memoir?” Maybe so.

In the query, I have to state where my book would be on the shelves of a bookstore, hell I don’t know, how about in the front window, is that a choice? Who would read it, and what other book published in the last three years it is like. I read a tweet yesterday and I’m sorry I do not remember the source, but it said something like~ Ok, it takes me 4-5 years to write a book, and comparables must be within three years, so I must actually mentally anticipate the book that might come into play as a comparable, in the time that I am writing it, and hope that the other finishes it in time. Not only a writer but a worldwide mind reader as well. I butchered that, but when I read it I was like wow.

I have been writing my series for the last twenty years. It has taken me that long to determine the best and most empowered ending, and to weave my protagonist through the thorny labyrinth of shit she’s been through, to come out a total rock star on the other side.

It has been a pleasure, and a pain, but I am grateful now, for a name to call my upset when things don’t go my way. It’s another way I can give myself grace, dust myself off and try again.

This story is still a gift, even if it takes longer than I think it should. The Universe knows my perfect agent partner, has determined the perfect time for my work to be unveiled.

Maybe, just maybe, all five of my books need to be completed before they are launched? I hope not, as I would love a paycheck, one that is enough to show others that what I am doing is real. One for myself, to say, hey, we see you’ve been working hard. We get it, you’ve got bills. A kid to help get though grad school, and an Irish Wolfhound named Angus to procure and love. Maybe some new windows in this old house of mine.

The rejection this morning has fully bounced off, like a little ball out of a gumball machine in the arcade of life. It gave me a chance to write this. To take a moment and be proud of myself for trying, if you don’t try, you never get anything or anywhere.

I have something to share, something really, really good. Who’s ready?

H.H. Rune