In light of the popularity of last nights drunken tweet I’ve decided to compile a short list of things your lazy ass could be doing on a daily basis besides masturbating.

Trim your toenails

Floss your teeth

Comb your hair

Shave

Do the dishes

Make the bed that’s had the same sheets on it for 7 months

Take out the trash

Change the lightbulb in your kitchen that has been burnt out for 4 days

If you’re feeling ambitious you could go so far as to take down your Christmas lights, or possibly hit the gym. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.