Queridos,

I’ve been in trad-pub limbo for a couple of months, so in the meantime I’m working on other side projects which keep the lights on (barely). This led me to understand how important procrastination is to my writer life. Many writers have many opinions on this topic, but here are my two cents no one asked for. {I’m calling my publishing posts “Writing Jail” now and separate from updates/announcements.}

The reasons I procrastinate (and probably you do too):

I’m a perfectionist. I obsess over my line level, my dialogue, my metaphors. I don’t want to be passé or cliché or just boring. This does not mean that I have achieved what I think I’m setting out to do, but at least I can be certain that I did the best I could. When am I supposed to draw the line, though? That brings me to the second reason I procrastinate . . .

Me, every day.

I’m scared. If I keep telling myself that the writing isn’t good enough, but I’m not letting myself move forward, then I’m never going to find out. I can’t control what a reader is going to react to, no matter how much thought I put into it. So if I never start, I’ll never have to see the reviews that tell me I failed. And I’ve been in this long enough to know that for every person who doesn’t get it, there are a dozen more who do. Sometimes it’s just one more, but still. It counts.

#2 for me in distractions

I’m constantly behind. I have published/sold a piece of fiction every year for 13 years. That’s 24 novels, 20 something short stories, 3 comics, and 2 screenplays (RIP). And yet, I am barely making it. So very barely. A lot of this has to do with how long it takes publishing to 1. draft a contract. 2. agree to the contract. Most importantly, 3. keep deadlines so we can get paid on time. We’re all behind and tired. I know this. I get it. But the instability of writing means I’ve tried to publish more than one book a year. This means working on three to four projects at the same time, not to mention school visits, the several dozens of emails asking for a donation or question or blurb or event. Do not misunderstand me;I’m happy to do all of this stuff. I love being among readers and be a good literary citizen whenever I can be. However, sometimes I feel, not like a one woman business, but a one woman circus. We are all running our shingles solo. My agency helps, but no agency is a miracle worker when it comes to how very broken publishing is for anyone stewing in the midlist love-handles (and below) of this industry. I’m so behind all the time. I used to feel paralyzed with the feeling of being behind, but it’s getting better, even simply by calling myself out when I do this.

I love researching for researching books part of procrastination

I’m guilty. Because of everything I’ve stated above, I’m super guilty. Also the dregs of my Catholicism. I mean . . . do I know how lucky I am? Do I know how lucky it is that I, a girl who came from an unpaved street in a poor river shore neighborhood in Ecuador and later a low income New York neighborhood, gets to publish with Big Fives, and absolute legendary brands like Star Wars and Disney? It has taken me so long to cobble together these wins, and when I sit around waiting ten months for my edits, or a contract gets delayed, or I start feeling like I’ve let my team down because 22 books later and I still haven’t hit the list and even though I don’t care (I really don’t) I know they do and it’s just *angry emoji*. It’s like the universe is finding new ways to test how quickly I’ll break. And I mean emotionally, financially, spiritually. I am not a woo woo person so it takes a lot for right now for me to admit this. I’ve learned tiktok, I do my own graphics, I go to events. I’m down for (almost) anything publicity-related to sell a book expect for crying on the internet because admitting failure or disappointment physically makes me want to throw up. I wish I could cry online and have a famous person pity share and get my 15 minutes but I don’t think too many women of color get to ever be that vulnerable.

Not good. I know this guilt isn’t good, and I’m working on it, but definitely another reason I procrastinate.

And that’s the real tragedy in all of this.

I’m burned out. This needs no explanation. I have been running at full speed since I was 25. I’ve given my best to an art form that I love. I’m always a little off trend but I’m okay with that. Now I need a full fortnight of recovery after a few all-nighters. First of all, why are you doing all-nighters like you’re late for your Gothic literature midterm again? Living with burnout makes me feel like one of those cars you see on the highway: no bumper, trash bag covering the rearview, missing doors, lewd sticker on the gas cover. Full speed, all anaphylactic exhaust.

Sometimes I wish I had a husband with a job, or a patron from the 1800s. (This is when I ask for help.) I’ve been on enough book panels where it feels like every other authors starts by saying “thanks to my supportive hubby lol.” Don’t come for me, those of you with partners with jobs. Isn’t it enough that sometimes I envy you for five minutes?

This is what burn out does to me. I get mad when people are like, “do self-care.” Okay, bro. To me “self-care” sounds so self indulgent. Nails, wax, facials—these things are hygiene, not self-care. I’m a hot mess but at least and smooth and sparkly.

Anyway. Burned out. That’s killed me with deadlines the last few years. I’m hoping things look up when I turn in my next book proposals this fall.

If you’re of the procrastination nation, welcome to the club. I don’t love this for us, but I do hope that we find ways to cope and get over that hump. Just ONE MORE procrastination, just for the road and them I’m ready. I take walks, read, listen to audiobooks, go to the theater, binge a favorite show (currently rewatching Supernatural), go to the met, go to a book event and feel joy for another author’s success. Move. Do something. I need some more suggestions, though.

(yells)

One of my rituals to shake up writer’s block procrastination is watch the Season 23 episode 6 of The Simpsons. THE BOOK JOB. I have gotten hammered at retreats and forced my friends to watch this episode. Many times. There’s something about it that’s so wildly book specific that gets me. If you haven’t seen it, in this episode Bart and Homer try to defraud a publishing company (heist style) by group writing a “tween-lit” hit. With the help of Neil Gaiman (ugh, I know. All he does in the episode is get sandwiches tho). Anyway, when Lisa discovers her favorite kidlit author is such a scammer, she decides to write the “old fashioned way.” Hilarity ensues.

It’s my comfort watch that gets me over the hump when I’m ready to, as Lisa says, “get some serious writing done.” This is me going to get that serious writing done.

I have a monthly fiction tier, if you’re interested in that sort of thing. Support your lol-sob writers <3 <3 <3