Picture this, I’ve run around all day doing my chores and once the groceries are purchased I head home to start dinner. Yay! And what the…? I’m barely through the front door when my mom comes racing (okay, racing might be a stretch because she’s old, so let’s just say shuffling faster than usual) down the hall and she’s waving something over her head. Truth-be-told I almost dropped the groceries because there I am I’m thinking, finally, we hit lotto! Score!
Here’s mom all excited, “Riley, Riley! I’ve got something for you.”
Me, cringing because the stupid bagger at the grocery store put the milk and juice in the same bag and the strain on my hand is creating a series of new fingerprints, I’m fairly sure. “What? What is it?”
“It’s going to help you with your writing.”
Me, *blink, blink* “Ah…?”
She flashes that knarled bit of paper in front of my face and I have the worst urge to sneeze. “It’s a book. This woman wrote this book. It’s right here,” she says as she stabs her finger so hard it nearly pierces the newsprint.
Now I must pause in the telling of this to say, that I lub my mum. I really do, but…
Juggling the groceries bag handles out of the crevices they’ve made in my skin, I huff, “Let me guess. 50 Shades Of Grey.”
It was her turn to blink. “Yes. How did you know?”
“Meh, just lucky I suppose.” Because you have to know I’m not getting in deeper than I have to with her on the subject, and by subject I ain’t talking about the kink. I go to step around her and her words stop me cold.
“Well, maybe you should read it sweetheart, you might learn a thing or two.”
Seriously? I steel myself and begin walking away again when she insists.
“Well, what do you think about this?”
I count to three because there is no way in HELL she’d want to know what I really thought, so instead I plastered a smile on my face and like a good daughter I turn to say, “I’m thinking you need to get out more. Do you want to go to the movies tomorrow?”
“Oh, that would be lovely dear. You know, they’re making a movie about this.”
Ack! *insert Homer Simpson type shudder here* Because some heavy-set ghostie gguy just stomped over my grave. This was the moment time stood still and my whole world imploded. Screw mommy porn. Now we’re talking geriatric porn! It’s going to happen guys. I know it. They’ll be carting the old gals in buses (I live in Florida and this is what they do) Those old gals will be chatting about “50 the movie” in restaurants and store line-ups. Egads! I can hear them now in coffee shops making their nefarious plans… OMG!
Yep, this is when I dropped the bags and checked my watch. 5:22 I called it. The day my lifestyle changed forever. Eek! My mom thinking I’d learn something from that book? It is to blush. If only poor mom knew…
Wow, I feel so much better now that I got that out of my system. Thanks for listening. But it comes with a price. I totally want credit when doctor Drip starts expounding on The Today Show, about how awful it is that the bed springs in the assisted living facilities in my area are catching fire from –gasp- unregulated senior BDSM activity. That’s all I’m sayin’… 
Who’s with me on this? You think it can happen or…?
 Riley