So it’s the end of the weekend for me. I’ve had this window open all day, but I started thinking about these posts, and realized that I should really be doing them in the evening since I’m talking about my day and my life and how things are going. So, that’s what I’m going to do. Instead of looking for these posts first thing in the morning, I’ll be posting in the evening, probably after the Monsters go to bed.

This week I’ve been thinking about how overwhelmed I’ve been and how woefully unprepared… I realized that I’ve always felt tragically inadequate in my life. It started as a kid. I wanted my family to be proud of me. I really didn’t have self-esteem to speak of. I knew I was smart, not gorgeous, but passably pretty. But that was never enough to make my parents proud of me. At least in my eyes.

No one has ever asked me to change. Not when I married my ex. Not when I had my first unplanned pregnancy. Not when I decided to get a divorce. No one ever said “You should believe this, change this aspect of your life or we’re not going to love you.” I have had the most supportive family ever.

But nothing (in my eyes) is good enough for them. Nothing I do will make them proud of me. Sure, I know somewhere in my little head that that’s not true. But I’ve gone into every single relationship in my life wanting to make the other person proud of me. Friends, boyfriends, family… All of them. I just wanted to know that they still loved me and they still would be proud of me.

Unfortunately, I felt like the heart of the problem was that I was showing too much of myself. I was too awkward, too unsure. So I showed people who they wanted to see. I’m very good at being a chameleon. I can fade off into the background, or I can go Single White Female on someone. The people that saw past that aspect of me, that wanting to please them…. those friendships, those relationships are based  upon a real foundation of friendship.

But the others?

I was afraid that if I showed them who I really was inside, that they wouldn’t like me anymore. So I pretended to be something I wasn’t, at no one’s prodding but my own. I was the chameleon.I was the person who wouldn’t let the real her out of the bag and at some points, I still am that person. I had a tight leash on myself. Still do at some points in my life. It’s enough to say that I didn’t give some people a fair shot at approving/disapproving of me. I figured that if i kept them out, if I kept them at arm’s length, then they wouldn’t have a chance to say that they would no longer love me.

It’s really arrogant of me to do that, to make that decision for them. But I didn’t really have the strength for someone to love me. I’m not sure how to do it myself. It’s much easier when they don’t really love you, because then you’re not pressured. You can do what you want and they won’t care. People who love you will bug you constantly because they care. They will ask how you’re doing, and they will want to know how your day went. It won’t be just a polite conversation starter. No. They will really want to know.

It’s a horrible thing I did, hiding the real me. It’s a form of control. I gave my family what they wanted, never letting them see the real me. I controlled it so I woudln’t be vulnerable, so they couldn’t hurt me with their opinions. Partially, I didn’t believe I was good enough. Mostly, I didn’t want to be vulnerable to other people. And that’s still true now. I have a hard time opening up and being honest with people.

It’s something that will continue to be a work in progress for many months yet.

Vulnerability is my Kryptonite.