Seven Steps to Hell or How to Write Badly
Photo by Jonathan St. Mary via Creative CommonsOne of my all-time favorite jazz recordings is “Seven Steps to Heaven” by Victor Feldman and Miles Davis. I don’t know how they did it but those seven simple notes just take you away. The composition sings. That got me thinking about good writing and what makes it sing.
I began this shared journey way back in July with this post where I talked about wanting to get better as a writer. Of course anyone who is serious about the craft wants that. I thought I would follow up with another post about things I’ve seen over the last few months reading others’ works—specifically books published in the Kindle Store. My list is by no means comprehensive but the things I want to mention do make the difference between good and bad writing.
1. Don’t Research Things You Know Nothing About
There is nothing a reader hates more than coming across material that rings absolutely false. Recently I started reading a book that takes place in America, written by someone who is clearly not American. The author had no clue how Americans actually speak in everyday conversation, not to mention the fact that he was clueless when it comes to how law enforcement works in this country.
As I quietly gave up after around Chapter Five I wondered why the author didn’t simply set the story in his own country. It would have worked just as well since nothing about the plot was particularly American. Maybe I’ll get the chance to ask him some day.
2. Include Plenty of Backstory and Exposition
Many writers know not to do this but there are still plenty of titles out there that suffer from the author’s need to explain everything before getting to the present story. I think it comes from outlining. It’s almost as if the author wants to show us how much work went into researching their characters and setting. Honestly why must I know where the character went to middle school in Chapter One? Frankly that’s for the author to know internally and not for public consumption—unless it figures into the story somehow. You know, the killer turns out to be the guy who he was best friends with in middle school.
Here’s a good rule: If it happened in the past, leave it out.
3. Introduce Lots of Characters at the Beginning
I don’t know why it is but some authors seem to think that introducing lots of characters at the beginning of a book and giving them equal weight makes for good storytelling. It doesn’t—unless you’re Charles Dickens. And for the most part his books don’t begin that way. Characters are introduced as the story unfolds but we always know who we are following.
I read a story recently about people—unrelated to one another—all having been visited by a demon or a monster of some sort. For the first five or six chapters I had to wade through each character’s past experience with the demon, not really knowing who the main character was supposed to be.
To be honest I bailed without ever finding out. And not knowing didn’t keep me up at night either. For me what would have been better is to introduce a single character—maybe an investigator of the supernatural—who visits these people to learn about the demon. Maybe he has his own internal demons. That way I would clearly have someone to follow.
One of the easiest ways to tell the reader who they should be following is to write in the first person. If you’re not doing that, make sure to focus on a single character and tell us why we are interested in following him or her at this particular point in their lives. In other words, what problem are they trying to solve? Better yet, make the problem Life or Death. If you’d like to read a great example of how to do this, read A Spot of Bother by Mark Haddon.
4. Make Sure Your Protagonist Adheres to the Plot
You’ve just explained that your protagonist is terrified of heights, yet when someone suggests he go to the roof to retrieve a valuable piece of the puzzle, he happily goes. Why? Because he has to in order for you the author to continue with your story.
Readers hate that. We want people to behave in ways that make sense according to what you’ve previously described. How about this? The stranger wants him to go to the roof but he refuses. Later he is drugged and when he awakens he is on the roof. Utterly terrified he must find the clue and somehow make his way back down. There, isn’t that more satisfying? Of course it is.
5. Include Dialogue for Dialogue’s Sake
You’re a witty writer—oh, yes you are! Just look at all that clever dialogue. I have one question for you: Is this a book or a Noel Coward play? The only purpose for dialogue—and the same holds true for screenplays by the way—is to move the story forward or impart information necessary to move the story forward.
If it isn’t doing either of those things it should be cut. Period.
6. Pepper Your Prose with Plenty of Clichés
I’ve harped on this before but it’s worth repeating. Clichés are the sign of a lazy writer. They are the ugly cousins of the bad metaphor. How many times have you read phrases like these? At the end of the day. On steroids. Hell on earth. And so on. For more on this topic, take a look at this post by Ben Yagoda: “Clichés Are the Poster Child for Bad Writing.” Poster child is also a cliché but I think he was being ironic. At least I hope he was.
Keep in mind though that if your character speaks in clichés either through dialogue or narration, that’s fine. It’s a character trait. I would still try to keep these to a minimum, otherwise they become tiresome.
7. Add Lots of Gratuitous Sex Scenes
Okay, there is a rich history of literature that includes sex. If handled well it can be very effective. And I am not referring to erotica. That’s a special genre which I know nothing about. What I’m talking about are mainstream books where the characters engage in lots of meaningless, unprotected sex. Look. I’m not a prude. It’s just that sex scenes typically do not move the story forward.
Many R-rated movies suffer from the same illness, come to think of it. I mean seriously. What great truths about our two main characters are being revealed as they go at it like howler monkeys? Look at a classic like ‘Double Indemnity.’ Granted, at that time the Hays Code was in force so the studios couldn’t really show actors ripping each other’s clothes off. But how much better did the scene play when Phyllis shows up at Walter’s apartment and practically throws herself at him. Then the camera cuts away and later shows her primping in front of a mirror. And we just know they “did it.” We didn’t need to see the actual sex to know that she had succeeded in dragging Walter fully and completely into her demented plot to murder her husband. That’s good writing.
On the other hand there’s a terrific sex scene in ‘Summer of Sam.’ In fact it’s group sex. At this point in the movie like everyone else in New York, Vinny and Dionna are terrified over the Son of Sam killings. Somewhere along the way they are invited into Plato’s Retreat where they engage in all kinds of bad behavior. What the scene is telling us is that their marriage is at risk. They are losing themselves in all the craziness of that summer. And guess what—it works.
So there you have it. Seven things that add up to a lot of bad writing. Of course there are lots of other things writers do. What things have you read recently that irritate the hell out of you? I’d love to hear from you.
Related articles
Tips to Go Pro: Show More (shannondonnelly.com)
Ax Your Cliches: Why and How (writersinthestorm.wordpress.com)
Goldilocks and the Three Kinds of Dialogue (tracystaedter.com)

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