(Election Eve: that one last sprint in the Mendacity Olympics)

Well, it’s nearly here. In fact, for many of you, by the time you get around to reading this, it will all be over. All across America, men, women, and single guys will have done that thing that Americans do every four years:

Vacuum.

No, I’m talking of course about America’s Presidential election – that joyous period when we all pull together in some kind of collective national psychosis, a sort of interstate insanity, as we try to convince ourselves that anybody who would spend a billion dollars to land a job that pays $400K is honest, competent, and/or sane (any single quality will do, and sometimes even getting that can be tricky).

In America, we vote. Voting is one of our inalienable rights, like unlimited calling plans, or $9 birth control. Voting is what we call a political ‘franchise,’ because politics is a lot like a fast food drive-thru, except politics smells worse (and the drive-thru’s out of order). Plus, in political franchises, the restaurant asks you for seconds.

And every four years or so, we elect a new President, whose job it is to get re-elected while avoiding felonious behavior in intern-rich environments. But most importantly, the President’s task is to maintain his golf handicap and equally represent everyone. (‘Everyone’ is a complex political term, broadly defined as ‘people who donated to my campaign.’)

We’re very proud of this ‘President’ idea. See, here in America, we would never put with the concept of royalty: some family who claims divine authority, sets up a ruling structure, and then pretty much ignores us. No, here in America, we elect representatives: exceptional, upright adults who literally swear to look out for our best interests.

And then they ignore us.

Americans, therefore, take voting very seriously; so seriously, in fact, that some people aren’t satisfied with voting just the one time. And so, in the media, you’ll often see voting anecdotes involving men, women, young people, dead people, cats, a brace of oxen (both named Swizzle), and undocumented workers from Somalia who don’t speak English but somehow still arranged for a group bus to carry them to polling places in central Ohio so they could vote early, collect $20 from a Union guy named Tony, and take the bus home.

Case in point: according to one internet reporter, in this year’s Presidential election quarterback Tom Brady has voted early some twenty-eight times. (We know it was quarterback Tom Brady, because on all twenty-eight bogus voter registration cards, he listed his legal name as “Quarterback Tom Brady” – even in the three precincts where he showed up as a woman. Wow … what a Patriot!)

Voting in America has not only created career politicians; voting has created voting careers, that exist solely to gin up more voting. It’s like that picture of a snake feeding itself by eating itself, or a great big set of teeth trying to grow more teeth by eating other teeth. But let’s not drag Joe Biden into this.

Here, for example, are a few of the cottage industries spawned by the franchise we call voting:

Robo-Calls

I’m sure you already know all about this foul, evil technology, especially if you live in what politicians refer to as a ‘swing State.’ A robo-call is a robot that selects your phone number from a database and then uses another robot to dial your phone, at a time determined by a junior assistant robot as the most inconvenient possible moment of your evening, which then triggers yet another robot to play a script of a human voice urging you to vote for Candidate X (who, as far as you can tell, is also a robot).

Over the years, several politicians have mounted election campaigns based on promises to outlaw robo-calling. But the simple-headed pols always used robo-calling to gauge voters’ anger at using robo-calling, which eventually caused everybody involved to explode in a massive irony fireball.

Yard Signs

There are only two occasions in American society when people ever put signs in their yards: political elections and yard sales. (There used to be a third occasion: For Sale signs. But due to bonehead decisions made by politicians elected in political elections, nobody anymore can sell their house.)

A candidate’s yard signs seem to have very little actual effect on political races; in fact, the primary value of yard signs is the role they play in generating a need for replacement yard signs. (see the article ‘Vandalism and Cheap Beer: A Study in Feedback Loops’ at PlannedParenthood.gov)

Voter Mobilization Groups

These are (usually) local offices, (usually) bound to the mission of getting more people to vote. At their best, they assist potential voters in the registration process, and help legally registered voters access the correct polling places. At their worst, they become vote zombies who will gnaw their way through radioactive concrete in order to get Candidate X elected. But let’s not drag Hillary Clinton into this.

One example is the controversial group known as ACORN, a dimly-lit collective, blissfully free from the ravages of ethics, and monitored by federal authorities about as frequently as continental drift. ACORN is like an urban version of the Khmer Rouge, but with indoor plumbing.

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Sadly, voting has become so important that it’s also attracted society’s underbelly (but let’s not drag personal injury lawyers who glue 4-inch-square refrigerator magnets all over the front cover of your phone book into this). Our political history is scarred with episodes of voter fraud, especially as various States have become more and more lenient about who can take part in ‘early voting.’

For instance, in Massachusetts and parts of Vermont, you can now register to vote as a fetus, as long as you have a clean police record and make a small donation to Planned Parenthood. (a process known as ‘late-term extortion’)

Earlier this week, we learned that Attorney General Eric Withholder and his Department of Just Us were heading to Florida to keep an eye out for voter fraud (see ‘irony overload’).

Oh yeah, that’ll work. That’s like sending Paula Deen to guard a spiral-cut ham.

But remember, voting is your civic responsibility, especially if you’re an undocumented illegal alien house pet, or you’re dead.

Why, even our own President took a quick moment, after bogeying the fifteenth hole, to urge old people to vote early, in case they died before getting to exercise their Obama-given right to vote for him on Election Day.

And even if you do die, no worries. Go to Chicago, where you can be dead and still vote. If you need a ride to Chi-Town, borrow the Somali’s bus.

Just don’t get cremated. Remember, it’s gonna be four more years before I vacuum.