See me in her office.  The place is a huge office in Northwest Portland that is part library and part living room.  To my left is a fireplace without a fire.  To my right, a sofa.  In front of me, The Expert, who I pay to help me stay on track in this life.  I ask her the impossible questions.  "What does it all mean?" "Why are we here?" "What can I do to be happy?"

The Expert is a lovely woman who wears clothes that are like pajamas.  Comfortable.  She is the women I hope I grow up to be.  She has dark hair, a lovely voice and a calm demeanor.  She is so wise.

How did I live without The Expert. 

I am learning how to 1) feel my feelings, 2) stay in relationship even when it is really painful to stay engaged, 3) understand that there are many personality types (and hidden shadows) and that once I identify them, I have more choices and 4) believe in myself.

The Expert helps most with anger right now. Do I know when I'm angry?  Do I feel it?  Where?

Answers:  No, no, I have no idea.

~

What happens with this whole homeless commitment I've made?

Sister's of the Road is what happens.

That''s where my money goes right now.

When I am at Whole Foods (and damn am I at Whole Foods a lot), they ask, "would you like to round up and give the change to Sister's of the Road?"

I say yes.  Every time.

Why?

I don't see homeless people any where.

That's not 100% true.  I did see four homeless people, when I ran from a store to my car, with my guy at my side and no money out and ready to give.  I have become complacent, again.  I'm not "at the ready."

What's my excuse?  I had a deal.  Be ready, give, step up.

But I haven't.

And no, I have not had a change to stand with a Street Roots vender and watched the folks going in and out and past him.

Why?  Why?  Why?

~

"You do too much," The Expert points out.  "Did you know that?"

I try too hard, I pack too much in each day, I give too much of myself to the world and almost nothing to myself.  AH-HA.

It turns out, according The Expert and a little book on something called Personality Types (yes, enneagram), I am a perfectionist.

This is appalling to discover.  Me???

My son laughs his ass off at the idea I would even question.

"Of course you are," he says.  

Perfectionists believe they must do more to matter, to exist, to be loved and what they do is never enough and they don't take time for themselves.  They just work, work, work.

"Did you know?" The Expert asks.

"No," I say.