I hate writing porn.

Porn and kissing scenes. They fill me with dread. Don't get me wrong -- porn is great; who doesn't like a nice little rough-and-tumble scene every now and then? I'm perpetually in awe of writers who can do it easily and do it well because I am very, very much not in those ranks. As it is, I'm already an excruciatingly slow writer; I agonize over every sentence and reread and edit as I go (I hear this is one of the mortal sins in novel writing; oops) and when it gets to body parts touching other body parts, it's about ten times worse. I find it one of the most difficult things to write, in the history of ever.

What if it comes out like an instruction manual for a shelf? Insert screw A into slot B. Gross.

But Cary, you say, you didn't even write porn in The Other Guy. What the crap are you whining about? Yes, true, I weaseled out of that one; I didn't think the story absolutely needed it. (Also, does it weird anyone else out to read sexytimes in the first person?)

I'm writing porn now, though, in my next story. After all the above whinging, I'm writing it, and the reason for that is simple: because my characters want to do it. When they come knocking on my brain and tell me stuff like that, I have to give in. Not without some kicking and screaming on my end, but when it comes right down to it, the characters always win. And they should; it's their story, after all.

A couple years ago, my BFF M and I co-wrote a story. It was to be a real epic. You know: Romance! Betrayal! Swordfights! Sex! (I made her write all the sex scenes.) We planned it meticulously over hours of phone calls and capslock emails, chapter to chapter, scene by scene, outlines bleeding from our eyes. As we got going, though, one of the peripheral characters started poking his head in and messing things up a bit. He was barely even a peripheral character to begin with; we knew he existed as part of the landscape and we weren't going to give him any lines.

"Go away," we said. "Go and guard that door or something. We have important things to do."

So he went and stood guard. Then he started talking to the girl on the other side of the door. And worse, she started talking back.

"Stop it, this isn't part of the plan," we said, though we eyed them with great curiosity. How interesting.

By the end of the story, he was the second lead in a romance never intended to happen. It didn't capsize our original plot, the bones of it were still very much there. Would it still have been a decent story if we didn't let him elbow his way in? Sure. M is a fab storyteller and the process of writing with her was in itself a joy. Would we still be as proud of it if we'd stuck, point by point, to our outline? Doubt it.

Characters fight back. Try to shove them in a direction they don't want to go, and it ruins everyone's day. I learned it writing that story with my BFF, and I'm learning it still. Sometimes I try to push through with my authorial power. "La la la not listening," I say, and then I end up having to axe entire scenes because I didn't listen. The other day, one of them yelled at me, "But it doesn't make any fiscal sense!" Yes, thank you, nerd. Scene scrapped.

Speaking of wielding authorial power, I'm currently wading around in that wasteland known as Writer's Block (0 out of 5 stars; not recommended) because I had an idea to make my characters go and have a nice hometown visit with their family. It would be all kinds of sweet and homey. Turns out, they don't want to. Why, I don't know; I still think it's a fantastic idea, so we're stalemating. I'm willing to wait this one out. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down.

I think we all know who's going to win in the end. (Hint: it's not me. Ugh.)