On one side: a diet that promises thinness, shiny hair and skin as soft and unlined as a baby’s ass. All I have to do is eat salmon and spinach twice a day, every day – gag – and give up pasta, freshly baked bread, coffee, dairy, martinis and chocolate.

On the other side: a fried chicken sandwich with jalapeno coleslaw and spicy mayo.

(By the way, yes, that is a large print book. I didn’t notice the sticker when I checked it out of the library. Then I started reading, and was trying to figure out why all of the words were SO BIG and why there were so few of them on each page.)