"Elvis! ... It's here! ... Your Academy Award just come in the mail!"

"Oh Colonel ... It's beautiful! I can't believe I won!"

"I tol' ya, Elvis. That ceremony they have on the TV is just nonsense! ... Real winners get their statues via the postal system."

"Colonel, I'm so glad you talked me into doin' that movie where I wrassle a crocodile ... then make love to it."

Colonel Parker took a pull on his cigar and nodded, "I just knowd if you had conjugal relations with that gator, all them freaks 'n' sissy boys in Hollywood would sit up and take notice! I hear Marlon Brando's thinkin' 'bout makin' love to a school of dolphins in his next picture."

"Underwater!? That Brando ... he really knows how ta push the envelope! I tell ya, Colonel -- I ain't been this excited since Julie Newmar dropped her towel on that movie set ... then bent over to pick it up ..."

The Colonel chuckled, "Ain't seen that much ass since they closed the free proctology clinic in Memphis."

"Y'know, I never wanted to be a sanger. All I ever wanted was to be a great movie actor, like my idol -- Popeye the Sailor. Say Colonel, how come these Oscars don't look like they do on TV ... this one looks a lil' rancid."

"Elvis, I done tol' ya ... things appear differently on television. You seen John Wayne on TV ... looks like a giant. In actual life, man's a midget ... gotta reach up to grab a cow's teat."

"Guess you're right ... who knew they were really made a chicken wire 'n' parts from an ol' G.I. Joe?"

"Elvis, don't be so dang ignorant ... that's called an 'object d'art.'"

"Well, I'm gonna go put this in my trophy case ... right next to my gold records -- and Shelley Fabares' underpants."

"That's a good boy, Elvis. Why doncha go do that? ... And don't forget, tomorrow we're havin' ya shot out of a cannon as publicity for your new movie, "Spring Break Hijinx on the Moon."

"Thanks again, Colonel! Don't know where I'd be if not for you!?"

"Like a kid with an ice cream cone." The Colonel mused once Elvis had left the room, "Thank the good Lord that boy was born gullible as he is good-lookin'."