The holidays can be a stressful time under the best of circumstances. But, when you’re running for your life, foraging for food, trying to escape from Zombies, dodging guitar-playing assassins, or simply playing dead to avoid notice, your stress levels are stratospheric. Kind of makes you sentimental for those pre-apocalyptic Christmas or Hanukah family dinners. The gaudy Christmas sweaters, forced socializing, awkward gift exchanges, drunken uncles and brawls with the in-laws seem positively quaint by comparison.

The memory of even the driest of turkey dinners can bring tears to your eyes when the last thing you’ve eaten was of the road kill variety. But, if you find yourself spending this holiday season in a post-apocalyptic world, you may as well try to make the most of it. To help you do just that, I’ve compiled this:

 

Survival Guide for the Post-Apocalyptic Holidays

You know how the holidays pre-apocalypse used to screw with everybody’s heads? Now, just be happy that you’ve survived. Let bygones be bygones. Let old family feuds—especially if you don’t have much family left—go by the wayside. If you’ve formed an alternative family unit in a parallel universe, take this opportunity to forge an even stronger bond. You want to make sure that your new relations really have your back and aren’t targeting it. And remember, sometimes a person who starts out as an enemy turns into a lifelong friend—just ask Malja about Fawbry.

 

Be thankful for what you have, however little it may be…and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Think about it, you get to take a break from the stress and expense of buying gifts, traveling great distances, chitchat with distant relatives, and no more fruitcake! Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if fruitcake actually survived untouched no matter how hungry survivors are after the Devastation.

 

Don’t spend the holidays alone…Seriously, there’s safety in numbers and you’ll want to take turns standing watch to make sure that no uninvited guests crash your festive gathering. It’s probably smart that you take precautions not to attract too much attention so find the nearest cave or burned-out car in which to throw your party.

 

You’ll also want to keep noise at a minimum and keep the lighting ambient. If you’re fortunate to have a magician guest like Tommy in attendance, let him handle the lights and you may even get a real holiday light show.

 

When your post-apocalyptic host says, “your presence is your present” they are probably just being polite. Bringing a gift is especially welcome when resources are scarce. Any sort of weaponry would be a big hit—a new crossbow perhaps, or, if you really want to impress that special someone, a gun with bullets to spare guarantees an appreciative response. For the kiddies, a real ball will put a smile on their grubby little faces. It’s much more fun to play kickball with than the skulls of their departed friends. And, in case you’re not up to snuff on post-apocalyptic etiquette, you should know that a lump of coal makes a perfectly lovely hostess gift.

 

Whatever you do, if you get a good shot, don’t spare Santa if you catch a glimpse of him crossing the midnight sky. Sure, he’s delivering packages to all the good girls and boys…but, just think about the bounty if you make a direct hit! His sled. All of those tasty reindeer. You and your tribe could feast for months and open all the gifts to share or barter. Who knows? You may even be able to escape to a parallel universe on the blades of Santa’s sleigh. That would be a Happy Christmas to all and to all a goodnight, indeed!

 

If you’re not lucky enough to take Santa out but manage to pick off a reindeer, it’s obvious what’s for dinner (sorry kids). When the holiday festivities are over, don’t hang around waiting for non-existent leftovers. Pack up your camp, figure out your next move and hit the road before any one gets a whiff of your once-flying delicacy. Oh, and about that reindeer, if it happens to have come equipped with a glowing red nose, you’re not going to want to leave that behind. You can always use an additional light source.

Horrific Holiday Stories of Your Own?

If you’ve got any especially horrific holiday memories of your own, please feel free to share. I’m happy to commiserate…if you’ve visited my blog before, you know what to do. Leave a comment down there (imagine my fingers pointing toward the section below where the comments go).

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