So, this happened. Sometime last year, I suddenly got it into my head that I wanted to write a story for 2000AD. Apparently the place to start is with a “Future Shock” short story, so that’s what I set out to write. Note, that’s what I set out to write, but my brain malfunctioned and my mind ran away across the rooftops and I wrote a THING. “Future Shocks” are meant to be four pages, for example, yet I did a five page story. They’re meant to be set in the future (the name’s a broadish sort of hint, after all), yet I set mine in the past. One is not supposed to take the piss out of Tharg the Mighty, greatest editor in the galaxy, yet that sort of happened, too.

I’m still happy with the story, even if it did earn me a thrillingly abrupt “What the fuck were you thinking?” sort of rejection from 2000AD. I accept it’s just not a very 2000AD sort of story, and if I hadn’t been so aglow with gleeful madness at the time, I might have seen that. It might, conceivably, have been accepted in the early to mid ’80s, but tonally it’s not the kind of thing they do now. Ah, well. I still harbour a desire to see my name in 2000AD, so I shall have another go at some point. Ideally something not written while my lips are drawn back in a lunatic rictus, eyes wide, and muttering, “Hehehehehehehehehehehehe…” under my breath in a monotone. That didn’t work out so well last time.

So, since the script was intended purely for 2000AD and I can’t see it being much use for anything else, I shall publish it here. I still like the central thesis of it though. Might use that elsewhere at some point.

M’lords, ladies, and gentlemen. Boy and girls. Allow me to present, Erik Satie: Agent of Carefully Organised Chaos. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

FUTURE SHOCK

ERIK SATIE: AGENT OF CAREFULLY ORGANISED CHAOS

By Jonathan L. Howard

PAGE ONE

1.) Big establishing frame. We are in the Arcueil area of southern Paris in the year 1916. It’s a good way from the centre of Paris and so none of the landmarks are visible. At this point, the Arcueil is in the suburbs and not quite as grim as it is now. There may be a car or motor van in view, but these are rare as the war is making demands on the petrol supply. Mostly it’s horses. We are looking at a wedge-shaped apartment house overlooking a road junction.

As a detail, across the road from the apartment house is a horse by the kerb. It is not hitched to a vehicle, nor does it have any saddle, bit, reins, or other accoutrements. It is, in brief, a naked horse.

The story is flashed as a Future Shock, even though it evidently isn’t.

CAPTION: The “House with Four Chimneys,” Arcueil commune, Paris, France, Europe, Northern Hemisphere, Earth. Anno Domini 1916.

VOICE FROM SECOND FLOOR WINDOW, THIRD FROM THE LEFT: That horse is up to something.

CAPTION (lower right): ThargNote – 1916? This is supposed to be a Future Shock, isn’t it?

2.) Interior. Satie’s apartment consists of two rooms, although he lives almost entirely in one of them. In here is a bed, wardrobe, a dresser, and a stand with a jug and basin. There is no sign of taps or cooking arrangements (in his day, his room didn’t have running water and he went out to eat. I wasn’t able to find a picture of the Arcueil room, only his room in the house where he was born in Honfleur. Just make this one up). Not far from the window is an upright piano up against the wall. There may also be a hint of another door to the extreme right.

In the middle ground, Satie’s cleaner is sweeping the floor. She is a woman in her forties, her hair in a bun, dressed in a black dress with a white apron. Not especially attractive, or otherwise. A stereotypical drudge of the time. We shall call her “Océane,” because it’s a pretty name and I like her. By the window stands Erik SATIE, composer and eccentric. He is not wearing his infamous corduroy suit, because even I have my limits. He is wearing a sensible suit of the period, dark trousers and waistcoat, high collar and a black cravat. His jacket and hat hang from hooks on the inside of the door. He is gazing out into the street over his pince-nez.

SATIE: There is a villainous aspect to that horse.

SATIE: I believe it means to rob a bank…

OCEANE: Almost done, M’sieur Satie. Doesn’t take long to clean one room. Although…

3.) OCEANE is leaning on her broom in the foreground, looking reflectively at the closed door to the apartment’s second room. SATIE is out of shot.

OCEANE: …perhaps one day you will permit me to do your other room, too?

SATIE (OS): …then escape to Morocco…

SATIE (OS): …via Marseilles.

Also emanating out of frame in the direction of the piano, is a sound effect.

PIANO (OS): plink plink plink plink plink

4.) SATIE has turned from the window to face OCEANE, who is facing him. Between them is the piano.

SATIE: Oh, you know I’m the only one who goes in there, Océane.

OCEANE: Of course. M’sieur, your piano is playing itself again. Why does it do that?

PIANO: plink plink plink plink plink

5.) The end of the piano’s keyboard is in the foreground. In the background SATIE regards it with mild interest, one arm folded across his lower chest to support the elbow of the other, the hand of which is stroking his chin. One key at the closer, trebley end of the keyboard is depressed. This key is apparently repeatedly playing itself.

SATIE: Mice.

PIANO: plink plink plink

OCEANE (OS): They keep excellent time.

6.) OCEANE is walking to the exit door, carrying her broom and a bucket from which a rag hangs over the side. We are looking at her back as she walks away from us.

OCEANE: You’ll be wanting me to leave while you deal with your mousy little metronomes, as usual.

SATIE (OS): Thank you, Océane.

PIANO (OS): plink plink plink plink

CAPTION (Lower right): ThargNote – Shouldn’t this be a Past Imperfect story?

PAGE TWO

1.) SATIE is at the door of the second room, unlocking it. He is looking over his shoulder to make sure OCEANE has actually left as he does so. His expression is grim, not furtive.

PIANO (OS): plink plink plink plink

2.) Inside the now unlocked room. We are looking towards SATIE as he steps inside. The room is small but busy. This is his sanctum sanctorum, where he deals with almost everything creative and official in his life. Light is cast forward into the room as if the desk is in front of a window. That this doesn’t agree with the building’s external architecture is neither here nor there.

In the foreground we are looking over the top of a desk with a blotter, letters, sheets of musical manuscript, an inkwell, and other clutter. Behind the desk is an office chair. There are shelves stacked with books, piles of papers, rolled manuscripts bound with ribbons. There are a couple of filing cabinets to one side, the fancier old wooden style rather than metal ones. In the gap between them stands a large aspidistra in a pot. SATIE is looking right at it.

SATIE: Hmmm… that’s new.

3.) We are looking over SATIE’s shoulder at the aspidistra. The fronds have been parted and a man, RELAYER, is peering up at SATIE. The dimensions are impossible – he’d have to be sticking through the floor. It’s as if the aspidistra is part of a forest somewhere and the pot just allows it to be visible in SATIE’s room. If the window is visible, the view from it is all wrong. Just have something wrong out there – Daliesque stilt elephants, a lunar landscape, a child’s drawing – whatever. Just so long as it’s peripheral and doesn’t distract too much.

The RELAYER is a Dadaist, and is dressed as such – all pipes and geometry. His anxious little face peers out of a portal in a cone he’s wearing over his head.

RELAYER: Erik! Where have you been? The Vague Council has assigned an urgent mission to you! It requires the sort of organised chaos only you can create!

SATIE: There was a suspicious horse.

4.) We are viewing SATIE from behind the aspidistra. It appears that the RELAYER has somehow managed to surface in a pot far too small to hold a human. SATIE is listening intently.

RELAYER: A German general, Adalbert von Wärze, has hatched a plan to win the war for them by the end of the year.

RELAYER: By our calculations, it will actually extend it to 1924.

5.) Close up on the RELAYER as he earnestly explains things.

RELAYER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to prevent the plan being put into operation.

RELAYER: It’s no good just getting rid of the general. The German Supreme Command is already considering the plan. You must make them reject it somehow.

6.) Close up of SATIE. He is very serious, brow furrowed and thoughtful, stroking his chin.

SATIE: Where can I find this General von Wärze?

RELAYER (OS): In his ancestral home – der Roteturm, the Red Tower! You can get there the usual way.

SATIE: Oh. I’ll get the mop then.

PAGE THREE

1.) Exterior. A shallow hillside in Germany. In the background are the grounds of a stately home, bordered with wooden fences and a tree line. Rising above the trees, proud against the sky is the RED TOWER, for which the rest of the place is named.

In the middle ground we see the doughty figure of Erik SATIE, now wearing his coat and hat, running up the hill towards the tower. In the foreground, a mop lies abandoned on the grass.

CAPTION: The Red Tower, Germany, Europe, etc. Minutes later.

CAPTION: And a new mission for Erik Satie, famous composer, phonometrician, proto-surrealist…

CAPTION (lower right): ThargNote – I am looking at Wiki right now, and this is all wrong.

2.) Close by the fence, SATIE is surprised by a German GUARD. The GUARD is wearing an early version of a Stahlhelm rather than a Pickelhaube. He has his rifle up although not directly aimed at SATIE. After all, the man’s not obviously armed and his hands are empty.

CAPTION: …Agent of Carefully Organised Chaos!

GUARD: Halten! Hände hoch!

3.) Close up of the two men’s heads as SATIE viciously headbutts the GUARD , aiming for the upper nose at about the level of the supraorbital ridges so the helmet doesn’t help. The GUARD clearly doesn’t like the experience. His eyes are shut and he is in pain.

CAPTION: Dadaist Master of Irrational Rationality!

GUARD: Ahhh!

EFFECT (hat hitting skull): BOKK!

EFFECT (nose breaking): crunchhh

CAPTION: ThargNote – I honestly don’t remember commissioning this story.

4.) Longish shot of SATIE running off through the trees towards the RED TOWER, almost directly away from the POV. He swinging his arms and has a very “knees up” gait. He should be drawn as somebody running in a very business-like way for comic effect.

It should be pointed out that the hat is covered with material; it doesn’t actually look like it’s made of wood.

SATIE: My hat is made of mahogany.

GUARD (OS. Wobbly word bubble, flaky lettering): Ow… owww… stunned… stunned quite badly…

5.) Close up. SATIE has reached the building. He is at a corner, back against the wall as he peers cautiously around it. The POV is before him, but the angle precludes seeing much of what is behind him but for a section of wall.

SATIE (thinks): I am fond of oceanic invertebrates.

CAPTION: ThargNote – ?

6.) The POV has moved back. SATIE is looking over his shoulder and is in the act of raising his hands. We see he has been surprised by a patrol of three or four German soldiers coming up behind him. They have their rifles levelled at him.

PATROL LEADER: Halten!

SATIE: Hände hoch.

PAGE FOUR

1.) Interior. The library of the Red Castle, ground floor, a pair of French windows stand open overlooking an open meadow. The book shelves are all wall mounted, none freestanding or otherwise taking up much floor space. If you could get close enough to read the titles, they would likely be several thousand different editions of Clausewitz’s On War. General von Wärze is very single-minded like that.

The room is dominated by a large table surrounded by upright chairs. It’s a good size of table for unrolling maps on, having councils of war at, and generally being martial around.

At the end of the table sits SATIE, very slightly dishevelled and hatless. Standing to one side of the table is WARZE himself, a stereotypical bullet-headed Prussian militarist in uniform. He is in his fifties and greying. He has a handlebar moustache. Currently, he is holding SATIE’s hat, studying it. In the background are the double doors leading into the rest of the house. Two GUARDS stand at attention on either side.

WARZE: A hardwood hat. A most ingenious toy.

WARZE: Guards! You may go! I shall conduct this interrogation myself.

GUARDS: Jawohl, mein General!

2.) The library. We are looking across the room from the French windows. WARZE is standing there, looking past us, his back to SATIE, whom he apparently regards as no threat at all. SATIE is still in his chair. On the table, but out of grabbing range, is SATIE’s hat.

WARZE: So, you are the best the Allies could send against me? A middle-aged clerk, by the look of you. Laughable.

WARZE: You can save yourself a lot of pain if you just tell me why you are here.

SATIE: Operation Buffalo.

3.) WARZE and SATIE. WARZE has apparently rushed to the table and is shouting in SATIE’s face. WARZE is astounded and furious. SATIE is unperturbed.

WARZE: WHAT? What would you know of Operation Buffalo?

SATIE: It’s a silly plan. Usually I like silly, but not when it results in hundreds of thousands of deaths. I’m here to stop it, mon général.

SATIE: I’m here to stop you.

4.) The library. From SATIE’s POV. WARZE is lowering over him, furious and arrogant, arms crossed.

WARZE: You know nothing, little man!

WARZE: My plan to encase parts of the Western Front in concrete while our men stand in trenches and shoot a lot of bullets at the English and French cannot fail!

CAPTION: ThargNote – This bit actually sounds about right.

5.) The library. From WARZE’s POV. SATIE is looking straight at us, calm and unruffled. His hands lie flat on the table in front of him. He seems disappointed with WARZE rather than angry with him.

SATIE: Your problem, you see, is that you are an inflexible thinker. Your mind is a rigid edifice… buttressed, solid, uncompromising.

SATIE: Should you be forced to think the unthinkable, to accept the incredible… Well, mon général, I fear that edifice will fall to rubble.

6.) The library. A two shot. WARZE is standing on the side of the table towards the French windows still, while SATIE remains seated. WARZE has regained his composure. He has his hands behind his back, chin out, nose up, all very Mussolini. Absolutely dripping arrogance. He has decided that SATIE is beneath contempt. SATIE for his part looks up at WARZE with something like friendly sympathy, as if commiserating with him. Importantly, in facing SATIE, WARZE is also facing the double doors.

WARZE: Such nonsense you spout!

SATIE: I get paid for it. I’m still going to stop you.

WARZE: Ha! You are my prisoner! You have no weapons! You cannot harm me! Truly, what is left to you, little man?

7.) Close up of SATIE. He is looking right at us over his pince-nez. He still looks sympathetic. Perhaps even a little regretful.

SATIE: Horses.

PAGE FIVE

1.) Largish panel, the width of the page. The focus is on the double doors of the library. They have been thrown open and three HORSES are galloping in, one massive in the foreground, the other two flanking it. All three are wearing burglar masks and striped black & white jerseys. The frame is dynamic and full of motion.

Horse #1: Nobody move! This is a robbery! Hand over the money and nobody will get kicked really hard!

CAPTION: ThargNote – ?

2.) The library. From our POV, we can close to the wall the library doors are in. The French windows stand open. SATIE and the HORSES are gone, as is SATIE’s hat. WARZE sits by himself on a chair one the French window side of the table. His mouth is open, utterly astounded. He is off in fairyland. Two GUARDS are rushing in.

CAPTION: Moments later.

GUARD: General! What happened here?

WARZE: Horses… horsey horses… They rescued the spy and stole my wallet. Naughty robber horses with masks and stripy sweaters… heh… Went out the window…

3.) Exterior of the Red Tower. We are looking up the meadow towards the building and can distantly see the open French windows of the library. In the foreground are the three HORSES, unmasked and unsweatered, quietly grazing. Closer still is a bush. Behind the bush are the HORSES’ abandoned masks and sweaters in a heap. On top is General Wärze’s wallet, banknotes sticking out of it.

VOICE FROM THE LIBRARY: Uh, yes, mein General. I’ll… ah, just fetch some… people to have a quiet chat with you. About the robbery.

VOICE FROM THE LIBRARY: Definitely not to take you to the madhouse at all.

HORSE #1 (whispering): Just act natural. They can’t prove a thing.

4.) Interior corridor of the Red Tower with a corner in the foreground. There’s a telephone in the corridor on which a German COLONEL is speaking. Right in the foreground, SATIE is lurking around the corner, big in close up. He is listening intently to the ‘phone call. He is also wearing his trusty mahogany hat.

COLONEL: The general is a raving lunatic, sir! Yes, Operation Buffalo has been cancelled. How can we have confidence in the plan of a madman?

SATIE (thinks): My work here is done. Now… where did I leave my mop?

CAPTION: Another successful mission for… Erik Satie – Agent of Carefully Organised Chaos!

5.) A black frame with THARG’s head in it, except it isn’t. It’s a pineapple albeit with the distinctive Thargian mane and Rosette of Sirius.

CAPTION: Tharg the Mighty says…

THARG: je ne suis pas un ananas.

CAPTION: ThargNote – Quaequam blag! Right, that’s it. I want every droid involved with this in my office NOW. No exceptions.

BOX: FIN