I know I’ve touched on one of my addictions before, but I think it’s fair that I share another. Nutella. Seriously I would like to kiss the person that invented this stuff! I swear it was sent down from heaven, and carried in by cherubs singing in harmony. Now, if you don’t like this wonderful creation, I advise you to click the back button on your browser and find some more grumpy cat pics to fancy. This is not for the faint of heart. In fact I will reveal some personal things about myself here that may make some cringe, but others rejoice. So buckle up buttercup.

Now, we all know how the majority of the female population enjoys chocolate right? It’s a PMS staple in most homes, it can essentially end conflict overseas and it will turn an angry person into a delightful human being in mere nanoseconds. It’s that damn special. So, when you mix the deliciousness of chocolate with the tantalizing flavor of hazelnuts, you get a product that will make your taste buds stand up and do the cha cha. Well, mine do anyway. I’ve went to great lengths to enjoy this flavorful treat, I’ve hid jars of this angelic substance in various places in my home and I’ve almost cried when I realized they carried it in a gigantic size at my local warehouse store. Don’t worry though I carry tissues for just that reason now. I’m not even ashamed to say that I’ve even woken up in the middle of the night and created a spoon-sicle out of it. Yeah you know what that is…you dunk the largest spoon you can find in the jar and pull out what is the equivalent to a chocolate spread lollipop. Don’t deny that you’ve done this, there’s no reason to be ashamed guys. You can’t control all of your urges.

But moving on with this discussion of all things Nutella, I must also admit that I’ve conjured up so many vehicles for which to slater this perfect food on. Bread is of course the number one. Hell, Nutella is the reason I buy bread! Is there any other reason? I think NOT. But consider this, what goes best with chocolate? Peanut butter! Oh yeah, you’re drooling now. One slice of bread has peanut butter, one has Nutella, you slap those two slices together and you have a perfect marriage of amazingness awaiting your tasting pleasure. Or what about this…you look around to make sure no one is looking, and when you’ve decided that you’re good, you dunk your finger in the jar and pull out something that is more beautiful then the most expensive diamond. Ahhh, I’m salivating at the thought. I’ve put it on crackers, carrot sticks, celery, smores, in my coffee, cake icing, and so many more things. I’m even convinced that I could spread it on a flip flop and it would taste good(but I haven’t tried that yet).

And I guess since Father’s Day is upon us, I should tell a story involving Nutella and my Dad, right? Yes I have one. Back in January I had back surgery, I was cooped up in my house about to go bat shit crazy. One day my parents show up and my amazing Dad pulls out an industrial size jar of Nutella. I can still remember the feelings that washed over me. Glee, yearning…I broke out in a hyper sweat. My pupils dilated, my pulse kicked up to warp speed and I imagined I had cartoon hearts in my eyes as well. It was a beautiful moment between a father and daughter. We hugged, I thanked him for his generous offering…then I told my parents to scram so I could have a moment alone with my prize. And what a moment it was. I sang soft tunes, I stroked the label with gentle caresses and then I cracked that bitch open and ate half the jar in less than 30 minutes. It’s truly a carnal pleasure.

So as a warning, if you ever see me with a jar of this stuff in my hands, it would be in your best interest to back away slowly and make zero eye contact. Just look at the floor, don’t say a word and go back the way you came. If I see you violating my Nutella stash, I will promise you that they will not be able to find your body. There is no level of crazy I won’t reach when this stuff is within a few miles of me. But no worries guys, I do share…you can have the imposter Hershey’s spread!