The following notes are derived from “Rethinking Couples Therapy: The Hard Questions and The Nuts & Bolts” teleclass with Esther Perel and Terry Real. The full teleclass series is available for purchase here.

I recently had a couple come to me where the woman has been married to her husband for 28 years and recently had an affair. The husband is now saying she never loved him because she reconnected recently with a man she had loved before she ever met her husband, but whom she hasn’t seen for 17 years. He is feeling that she never loved him, but it’s not true. The truth is, once the wife reconnected with this other man, there was a different love she wanted to pursue.

I had her write her husband a letter about how much she did had loved him and explain the situation even if she now wanted to pursue something else.

I believe trauma is culturally embedded. The way we define trauma is based on the way we live – context matters! Sociocultural history and religious values inform the way we define trauma. I work with very religious people and sometimes it is difficult when their beliefs (like patriarchal beliefs) differ from mine.

When working with couples from a different context, I look at the partners and sense their acceptance of the treatment and the beliefs, or if they feel discomfort by it. There are cues to notice and cultural negotiation is part of any therapy. I warn my patients that I am coming from a different system and will try to be respectful of theirs. I also ask that if they believe I’m not being respectful to let me know.