There is something special about when you get a book. I don’t mean buy a book, I mean GET a book. You just get what the author was saying, or it’s one of your own and you just GET what that book is meant to be. Then suddenly, you’re on this whirlwind where you can’t stop writing because you’re afraid that you’re not going to get that groove back if you stop. This happens a lot to me, or it did until a few months ago. I got so mired in the business of writing, and trying to write what other people want that I forgot that I was doing this because I love it.

Publishing can be stressful. You’re on the hook for not just a good story, but most likely a continuing string of good stories, in the vein of what people want you to write. I’ve been pretty lucky. I’m writing what I love writing, and people are eating it up with a delicious side of ice cream. I don’t think that’s coincidental. The books that I wrote to fill a niche languish on the retailers. In fact, I’ve been taking some old stuff down (don’t worry, this was a different pen name. All Butler books are still up). Because I didn’t write those because I loved them. I wrote them because the market dictated that they were hot sellers. And they were for a bit, but they were missing passion.

I have a hard time not thinking of what I write or want to write in terms of potential publication. But man, that’s so hard to do. My brain is hard-wired to think about what’s popular or what will go over well with my readers or what will sell well in the current publishing climate. It’s hard to turn off that business manager. I just want to write stories that entertain me, or stories that make people think or feel. And maybe all three, if I want to be ambitious. I don’t want them to languish on the retailers, unread and unloved. So how do I turn off that side of me? How do I take the business out of writing?

I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure I should. I have a responsibility to my readers. I have to keep them well-fed in books. But I also need to feed my creative appetite. I need to write what needs to be written. I need to get lost in a story.

My last book was a monster to write. It had six false starts. I rewrote the whole thing three times. I edited and reedited that book until I couldn’t bear to look at it anymore. And even now, on the cusp of it being out there in the world in less than a week, I’m still biting my nails and wondering if it’s ready.

At this point, the question is less “how do I take the business out of writing?” and more “how do I take the heart out of business?” because people are going to read that book. A lot of people. And they’re going to leave reviews and I’m going to wonder if they like it, if they like me. I’m going to get awesome reviews from people who love that book, who think it’s the best book i’ve ever written, and I’m going to get scathing ones that hate my hero or think there’s too many typos or I abuse commas. They’ll hate my style.

These are the things I think of, and largely why I avoid being online on release day. Because I have a hard time dealing with the business side of publishing when so much of me goes into these books.

So, for November, I decided to write something I’ve been putting off for a while. I decided to write the next hockey book in the Texas Highlanders series. I tried to let that series go, because it’s my worst seller. But the stories are still there, waiting to be told. Waiting to be shared. So maybe it’s not the best business decision to write Scoring His Heart. But it’s right for me, as a writer, because these are books I love so much (and I’m not saying that I don’t love my military books. I so love them!) and they have every right to be written as much as an of my others. And the fantasy books I’ve been putting off for three years? They need to written too. Desperately.

I know all writers go through something similar to this, where they’re so hooked into the publishing machine that they stop thinking about what they love to write and start thinking about what they can write that will sell. I’m probably a damn mercenary person. I will do what it takes to make money for my family. But at this point, I realize that I need to write for me, too. There needs to be something for me, as well as for my family.

And when all else fails and I’m not feeling the writing at all? There’s always Netflix or Hulu Plus. I’m watching Arrow with the Monsters this month.