“Men Suck…And here’s why”

I know what you’re thinking… “Men are amazing! They are so caring, and masculine and they are vital to making babies”. You may be right, but before you go all postal on me, let me tell you why you are 100% WRONG.

Men are creatures that have been put on this earth for one purpose. To piss women off. That’s right I said it. So go ahead and send me hate mail and bash my views on social media. But before you do, let me enlighten you as to the extent of my years of research on this subject. Men are not what are portrayed on the cutesy films on the big screen and on your home television. They don’t bring home a bouquet of roses ‘just because’. They don’t whisper sweet nothings in your ear while you’re standing at the sink washing dishes. And they certainly are not, women. Obvious right? Yeah I know they have swinging reproductive parts instead of ones that are hidden in a place comparable to Middle Earth. I’m not a complete idiot. What I mean is that Men are not women because they don’t think like women do. Their brain function most of the time is like that of a lab rat. They run around in circles hoping that door number 2 is the correct one to get the cheese. Most of the time they’re wrong of course. I understand that if Men had the same frame of thinking that Women did, we’d all be the same. But would that be so bad? I mean, come on, how many relationships have been ruined because the dude did too many loads of laundry or cleaned the toilet too many times? NONE!

So here’s the thing, I decided to compile a small list of the things that my significant other and most other backwards thinking males do, to piss women off. I don’t know if their actions are intentional, but I’m beginning to think that they might just be. Men love action and adventure. So their way of keeping things exciting might be to do these little things to irritate the female population. Instead, they are giving us just one more reason to contemplate smothering them with a decorative pillow while they sleep.

Can’t you pick up the freaking towel?! If this doesn’t resonate with you, then consider yourself lucky. You’ve found the one Man on this earth that has some sense of manners. It’s not just that the wet towel is laying on the floor like a dead animal waiting to be disposed of. It’s the fact that the laundry hamper is literally 3 feet away from where you dropped the towel! Does it really take that much effort to take a step and toss it in? Will your entire day be shot to craps if you have to extend your arm just a little bit to make sure it gets in there? I don’t know about you, but my Husband is a little soggy in the mid-section. He could use the exercise. Stretching never hurt anyone really. So why don’t they just do it? Here’s the reason. Men like to be taken care of. They crave that special brand of caring that only a mother figure can provide. Men like to leave that towel on the floor because when they lived with their mommy, she picked it up. She took care and coddled him, wrapped him in the warmth of her love by bending over, grabbing that towel and tossing it into the hamper. Well I have news for you buddy. I am NOT your mommy! If I was, I would bend you over and spank the hell out of you for being a lazy ass. Don’t get all excited fellas, I’m not talking about some kinky BDSM play here. I’m speaking of honest to God lashings. So do yourself a favor Men, take the extra 5 seconds and do the job right. It will save you the unadulterated wrath from your female that you seem to blame on ‘that time of the month’.

Congrats! You’ve made a quilt! You’d think I was speaking of a man sitting in a cute little circle with blue haired geriatric ladies while sewing a masterpiece that will keep us warm. WRONG! My ire here is directed at the times when my husband does decide to do the laundry. First of all, I do appreciate the effort, I sincerely do. To take the time to start up a machine such as the one that magically washes our clothing is epic. But why in the Sam hill do you not think to clean the lint filter in the dryer before each new load?! Why is this such an issue with me? I’ll tell you why. When I throw a load of laundry in the dryer—after you’ve tried to complete this task, and I pull the lint trap out, I am so elated to find that you’ve constructed a freaking quilt out of lint (insert sarcasm here). Seriously I could keep warm all winter with the thing you’ve made! Not to mention, you’re creating a huge fire hazard by not scraping it out each time. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not be seen on the six o’clock news telling a story about how my house went up in flames because my husband didn’t clean the lint trap. There’s no street cred in that! How do you fix this ‘man issue’? Well I know how I fixed it. One evening the man of the house was taking a nice relaxing shower. I passed through the bathroom and he kindly asked for a washcloth to aid in his scrubbing routine. The perfect opportunity arose for revenge and I took it. I grabbed the 3 inch thick sheet of lint he’d so wonderfully crafted and handed it over the top of the shower doors saying “Here sweetie, you made a cleansing cloth in the dryer, so you can use it to wash off with.” His face was covered in soap so he didn’t see that I was handing him the world’s largest sheet of lint. Now, we all know what happens to lint when it gets wet. It’s worse than wet toilet paper by far. I walked away laughing while he stood in the shower cursing. But here’s the thing, he hasn’t made the mistake of quilting in the lint trap again. Score one for me!

Reduce, Reuse, And Recycle. Oh how I wish I were promoting a way to a greener earth. But alas I am not. Do you ever find yourself reaching into the fridge for a condiment? You need that bottle of ketchup for your pile of fries and you cannot wait to squeeze the red deliciousness onto your plate for your dipping pleasure. But when the bottle finds its way into your palm you notice ‘hey, this is a little light’. Then you pull it completely out and find that not only is the weight of the bottle ‘light’ it’s EMPTY! Why is it empty? You know you’d never do such a thing as put the empty container back in the fridge. It belongs in the garbage can. Right? Or so you thought. Maybe all of this time you were wrong. Maybe things have changed over the years and the trash actually goes back in the massive cooling device instead of a can. Oh no! What is one to do when things switch so suddenly? Yeah, they didn’t change. Somewhere in the Man brain, there is a tiny nugget of stupid that thinks empty containers go back where he got them from. If that’s the case, then I’ll start taking my trash to the grocery store, after all, that’s where I got them in the first place. Here’s my deduction on this topic. I honestly think that Men panic when they use the rest of whatever they used. They think that we may fly off the handle and start a killing spree because they scooped out the last bit of Miracle Whip onto their ham sandwich. Not the case, Men. Women aren’t these psycho murderous machines that wait for the opportunity to plead insanity in a court room. We are gentle creatures that are full of understanding and vast wisdom. Until you piss us off, that is. We just want to be told when you squeeze the remaining amount of mustard onto your corndog. That way we can add it to the list of items for our next shopping trip. There is peace and harmony in this situation, you just need to think with your big brain.

I just want closure! I know you’ve taken in a film or two that features some sort of haunting being. One thing in particular that this entity does is to open all of the cabinet doors in the kitchen. It’s a typical sign that you in fact have a haunting on your hands. I’ll be honest, I thought the same for my house. I would wake up in the morning and see almost every single cabinet door open, exposing the contents. I was contemplating calling in some sort of paranormal investigator to check things out. I would shut the doors, and they would mysteriously be back open the next morning. It was a vicious cycle that went on until I decided to do some investigating of my own. I didn’t need hidden microphones or infrared cameras. All I needed was to hide around the corner and watch as my husband blew through the kitchen like an Oklahoma tornado. He would pull out whatever he needed and just…leave them open. Why? Why would a man do this? My theory? I think men have an issue with closure. With women, we crave it. We need to have it in order to move on from any situation. But Men? They could care less, it’s like their afraid of it. So they leave them open so they don’t have to face the fact that whatever is behind that door is gone for now. Their brain thinks “If I can’t see it, it’s not there.” Heaven forbid you think you’ll never see a coffee mug again. They are like infants. When you hold an item out for an infant to see and then put it behind your back, they think it’s gone forever. Their brain doesn’t process the fact that it’s really still there, it’s just out of sight for the time being. Men are essentially infants. There, I said it. But I just want my cabinet doors shut! What if company was coming over and I was hiding a dead body in there? Would you want everyone to see it? No. You. Wouldn’t. You’d want to help me keep it hidden so you didn’t end up next to it in there.

Aunt Flo must be in town… This is the one that irritates me to no end. Here’s the setup. You’re having a particularly terrible day. Nothing has gone right for you. The kids are misbehaving, the dog peed on the rug again, and the toilet overflowed into the vent like a waterfall. You’ve had it. Your significant other strolls in the door from work, a smile on his face, a pep in his step and just generally happy go lucky. He notices you standing in a defensive position, your hair is sticking up, you have some sort of substance streaked across your face (you hope it isn’t poop) and your mood it less than pleasant. You expect understanding. You expect him to say “Awe sweetie, you look like you’ve had a bad day. How can I make it better?” What you don’t expect is this… “Must be that time of the month.” Those are fighting words! Men, not every bad mood or crappy day is a product of our menstrual cycle. Sometimes we just have a day that we wouldn’t wish on anyone. But your lack of compassion and understanding on the matter is clear. You think that mother nature bestows the ‘gift’ on us every month so you have the right to use it as an excuse as to why we sometimes get—for lack of a better term…nuts. Not every mood swing is the product of the red devil. Not every terse word we throw at you is a result of us riding the crimson wave on a cotton surfboard. Sometimes all we need is for you to hold us in your arms and tell us that everything will be okay. Even if it’s not, lie to us. We will believe it in our current frazzled state. The wrong thing to do is to blame something we have zero control over. Trust us, we would rather not have to deal with the wrath of Mother Nature every month.

Now, I’m not a feminist. I don’t believe that the genders of male and female are created equal. History has proven that they are not. The female species are obviously more advanced than the male by far. I know that women have their faults as well, we have known to pull the crazy card out of our purse and slap it on the counter from time to time. But we wouldn’t be lifetime members of that club, if men decided to ‘man’ up and quit making us so bonkers!

C.D. Taylor