After combing through some of my old Army Mental Health presentations, I found this gem on effective communication. We conducted presentations (mostly via PowerPoint accompanied with exercises) on a regular basis, most of which were infantry units in Iraq who were experiencing internal conflicts and leadership issues.  The following information was compiled by our team in Ramadi, Iraq and was shared with the rest of the unit, which has since been adapted for other Combat Stress Control companies and teams.  

Introduction
To be a good student, professional, parent - or, simply, a good human being - there are tools required to ensure your success in life. One of these tools is effective listening. Everyone may feel like they are effective listeners, but very few will have all the skills they require. If you're an effective listener, you're more likely to find that people will be naturally drawn to you, they’ll enjoy being around you, and you will feel more fulfilled in your interpersonal relationships.

Communication is the process of sharing and exchanging information. Information can be shared and exchanged verbally or non-verbally, and in order to effectively communicate, we must not only communicate our viewpoint or data, but we must also actively listen.

If you're not an effective listener, people may find your presence cumbersome. Some may even avoid contact with you, because they feel that you really don’t care about who they really are or what they have to say. This, in turn, may prevent any productive interaction you might desire or need to have.

Real vs. Pseudo-Listening 
Just because you are being quiet while someone else is talking does not mean that you're actually listening. Real listening is based on the intention of the four following principles.
To understand someone To enjoy someone’s company To learn something new about someone To give help or solace to someone in their time of needPseudo-Listening
The key to real listening is truly wanting too understand, to learn something new, or to help someone with his or her problems. It comes naturally in a multitude of environments. Pseudo-listening, on the other hand, masquerades as the real thing. The intention is not to listen but to hide an ulterior motive.

Examples of pseudo-listening include:
Making people think you’re listening to get them to like you. Making yourself alert for signs of rejection. Listening for one piece of specific information and ignoring the rest. Buying time to think about your next statement. Half-listening so someone will listen to you. Listening for vulnerabilities to take advantage of the situation. Listening for weak points in conversation, for ammunition, to always be right. Listening to make sure you are producing the desired effect, checking for reactions. Only half-listening because that’s what a “good” person would do. Half-listening because you don’t know how to get away without hurting their feelings.In your mind, review your listening with your co-workers in the previous days, weeks, or months.  Ask yourself: How much do you really listen or pseudo-listen?

Blocks to Listening
Comparing: Comparing yourself to your listening makes it hard to really listen because you’re trying to assess who's smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy, or who’s suffered more. “Who’s more of a victim?” You can’t take much in because you’re too busy measuring up to the other person. Mind-Reading: When mind-reading, the listener doesn't pay much attention to what the speaker is saying. In fact, there is an element of distrust. This can be a dangerous mistake to make, as it can not only cause anger and frustration to the speaker, but it can sever communication. If you're mind-reading, you probably make assumptions about what people think of you. How would you know, you’re not them! So unless they tell you what their opinions are, you cannot possibly know what they're thinking. This is also a tactic for control and can prove to be extremely counter-productive.Rehearsing: People are notorious for doing this. They already planned what they're going to say before the conversation beings. They listen enough to appear interested and to continue the flow of conversation, but they really don’t hear what people have to say.  The point is to get one's own words right without having to understand or listen to the other speaker.Filtering: If you're filtering, you're listening to some things and not to others. It's listening enough to get the gist of the conversation, see if the person is happy or unhappy; if they’re happy, the listeners mind starts to wander on to other things. Judging: People who judge put negative labels on people, which is an enormous power. Once you’ve labeled that person, you cease to listen to them. A basic rule to listening is that judgments should be made only after the conversation is complete and you’ve had time to hear everything and evaluate the context of the message. Dreaming: You’re already only half-listening. Someone says something that triggers a chain of memories and private associations. One thing leads to another, and then another, and minutes after you’ve left for la-la land.  You return to the end of the conversation with them saying, "Thank you for listening, I know you’d understand." Identifying: Almost everything the other person says, you relate to what they’re saying by some experience you’ve had pertaining to a similar circumstance. You’re too busy trying to focus on telling your experience that you don’t even listen to theirs.Advising: You're the almighty problem solver! You don’t even listen to more than the first few lines before your brain is working on solutions. Please remember that most people are competent in creating their own solutions to problems. People often seek out others for validation, to feel like someone cares.  If they want help solving a problem, they’ll ask you.Sparring: This block has you constantly arguing and debating with people. The other party never feels heard because you’re so quick to disagree. Most of the conversation, you’re just focusing on finding things to disagree with, and respond. The way around this is to reflect back on what you've heard and try to find something you agree with, and act accordingly. One sub-type of sparring is “put-downs”. People will use this technique to dismiss the other person’s point of view. The other is “discounting” yourself, you can’t take a compliment or self-deprecate.  Being Right: Being right, people will go to any lengths to avoid being wrong. This includes twisting the facts, making excuses or accusations, calling up past sins. You can’t take criticism and the majority of the time will not see the other persons viewpoint. In your mind, they’ve been discounted. Please remember that if someone feels rejected or has a problem with something, you need to understand that they are entitled to that feeling. In fact, if you had an open mind and put yourself in their shoes, you might actually see that they have a point. Example: You claim to be so busy you can’t help with the workload, so someone else is getting the majority of the work. That person brings it up to you, and in your mind, you can’t see their point of view because 1.) That would be a form of criticism. 2.) That would be a form of correction on your behavior. 3.) Maybe, just maybe that would prove that you were making a mistake. This can’t be because you’re always right. Derailing: You change the subject if you’re not comfortable with it. You crack jokes to “lighten the tension.” You do this to avoid the discomfort or anxiety of really listening to someone. Placating: "Right….Right…..Absolutely….I know….Of course you are…. Incredible….Yes!….Really???" You’re being nice. You want people to like you. You’re maybe half-listening just enough to get what the context of the conversation is, but you’re not really listening to what is being said.
4 Steps to Effective Listening
Paraphrasing: This means to state, in your words, what the other person has just said. This is a necessary step to effective listening. Paraphrasing also helps with clarifying. This means asking questions about the context of the conversation. It goes along with paraphrasing and feedback. There are three main principles in giving feedback. Be immediate, honest, and supportive.Listening with Empathy: The one rule to listening with empathy can be summarized as simply realizing that this person is trying to survive in a mixed up world. You don’t have to agree with them, or like what they have to say, but understand they are just going through the motions in this world like you.Listening with Openness: This is about not judging someone and not finding fault in that person. Nearly everyone has a problem with listening openly. You don’t want to hear certain facts about yourself nor do you want to believe a unlikable person maybe has something of value to say. Your opinions and your beliefs are closely tied to your self-esteem. You will naturally want to argue or shut down what the other person has to say.Listening with Awareness: There are two components to listening with awareness, and one is to compare what’s being said to your knowledge of history, people, and the way things are. Do this without judgment. The second is to hear and observe congruence. Be aware of their body language. Does it fit with the topic?
Total Listening
People want you to listen, so they look for clues that you are listening. Maintain good eye contact. Lean forward slightly. Nod or paraphrase. Clarify by asking questions. Actively move away from distractions like the TV, phone, or other people. Be committed, even if you’re angry or upset, to understanding what the other person has to say.  In the end, if your genuine efforts at effective communication are not appearing to make an impact, step back and assess the situation.  See where there still may be gaps in understanding on any side.

Lastly, in spite of any bonafide efforts at effective communication, you cannot control the reaction of the person with whom you're communicating.  However, bearing in mind the principles of effective communication, you can surely increase the likelihood of meaningful, productive interaction and conversation, personally and professionally.

Adapted by our CSC from: McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (1983). Messages: The Communication Skills Book. New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA.