Isn’t space the opposite of what marriage is about?

Eroticism occurs in the space between self and other.

It isn’t always the lack of closeness that stifles desire, but too much closeness. And while love seeks closeness, desire needs space to thrive. That’s because love is about having, and desire is about wanting.

Space invites otherness and differences. Between me and the other lies the erotic élan. In order to have wanting, we need the sense of mystery, a bridge to cross and someone to visit on the other side.

How do you bring mystery to a relationship that’s quite established?

When you ask people when they are drawn to a partner, they say, “when I see him or her from a distance… when he plays with he kids, when he surprises me, he is different.” “When she is on stage, doing something she’s passionate about, when we are at a party and I see her talk to hoer and hold court,” etc. In none of these situations are we caretakers, the perfect anti-aphrodisiac, and that person is momentarily less familiar and again mysterious. We make our partners into something knowable. The big illusion is that you actually need to know that person.

But certainly, after spending day after day with someone, there aren’t too many surprises. You must know that built in to your mate is someone you don’t know. You hear your partner talking to someone else about new things…you find that there are things you don’t know about them.

How do you take the steps to create mystery and space?

Be more independent. Have your own friends, see the movie you want to see, cultivate your own interests. Reach out to your partner–the way you would to a friend. Listen to them as a separate person, separate from you. Be curious! Invite them to an evening at the museum instead of he usual movie. It shows that you’re still looking to please, impress, surprise – all erotic elements.

What if, by attempting to create this space, your mate becomes threatened?

Ask what they are worried about, reassure them. Indeed, space must be balanced with security. Discovery and exploration rely on a good dose of trust. Indeed some of us are afraid and so we ask our partners to forego their freedom to ensure our security, but does that ever make us really feel secure?

Is there a risk to allowing someone too much space?

Fusion is a fake notion of security – there is just as much risk when keeping someone too close. I find that those who leave a relationship are often suffocated. When you feel you have easy movement, and you show your partner you trust them, both parties stay willingly. Yes, there is a danger that some people abuse the freedom (no doubt) or that when they move away the other barely notices it. Too much closeness may be a problem, but too much distance is as well.

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