In the land of BDSM, “safe words” are paramount. Sane. Safe. Consensual. Very important when practicing the art of BDSM. Trust. The most important thing. And that’s where there has been controversy. Or perhaps not. I know this topic will get some people fired up, even angry with me. I lived through one such argument. Saw first-hand how heated, how opinionated, how downright nasty this topic can get when people disagree.  It’s hard to have an open-minded discussion about a topic you believe so strongly in, that you are certain of. Let me explain.

When writing my Natalie’s Edge series, I met many people who practice the lifestyle. In a heated debate on safe words, there was one lone person who took the unpopular view. He tried to make his argument cogent. The “opposers” wouldn’t hear of it. He may have been too harsh himself. He may not have stated his points in the dispassionate manner he probably should have. Here was his point.

Trust. He espoused that in a consensual BDSM relationship--and he was a believer that THAT only came with love and the whole equation, not a scene, not a fetish, not some contrived club atmosphere, but a lifestyle built on love and trust and loyalty—safe words were unnecessary. He espoused that in the true dynamic, the lovers would be so in tune with one another, love each other in a way that was so soul searching, that a simple "no" would do the trick. That a discussion, that open communication before any act, that getting to know one another, deeply, truly, fully, would eliminate any need to use such a “contrived” (his words) form of communication.

You can imagine that this stirred up much debate. Anger. Miscommunication. After all, he was a professed sadist, a passionate sadist was his self-titled moniker, and many in the discussion kept trying to get him to see that point. And to see that sometimes in a "scene" the person won't know how far she/he can go until that VERY MOMENT, that there is no way to know our limits beforehand, that part of play is to push limits, to see how far one can really go.

It got ugly. His views certainly didn’t change their minds; their views certainly didn’t change his. Instead, friendships, discussion groups, all became severed, never to meet again.

I was new to all of it. Hadn’t heard of safe words except in Fifty Shades of Grey, but I listened.

And I don’t think he was necessarily wrong. In the minority, yes. One may even say that is was a romantic notion. To find a love like that, a love where trust and communication is as natural as breathing the air around us. They felt it was irresponsible to even contemplate such an idea. That he must be some lunatic. How could a sadist control himself? In truth, they judged him. If one stops and thinks about it, it’s a beautiful idea to be so in tune with another human being that you can delve into your deepest, darkest fantasies and desires and know that the trust is there implicitly, that that person knows you so well, that he has your best interest always at the forefront of everything, sexual and otherwise.

I have yet to meet anyone else like him. I doubt I ever will. He was a one-of-a-kind. And I'm sure you can fill in the rest. I don't need to say anymore.

In Thorne: Rose’s Dark Contract, I wrote it without safe words, at first. I know much dark romance adds a disclaimer, goes there, doesn’t follow the rules but breaks them. It's part of the dark romance lure.

But this tale isn’t so dark after all and it didn’t go where I originally had it going. Time. Space. Healing. I’m not sure I can even call this a dark romance anymore. I’m not sure what it is. It IS dark. But really, is there any of us that don’t have darkness? After all, can you know what darkness is without light?
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I leave it to you to comment. I’ve had one true BDSM experience. I am no expert. So I welcome your wisdom. Tell me. What is your opinion of safe words?