Funny Quotes

“Isabelle snorted, "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon."
"You noticed," said Simon.
"I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus.
"Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

“I have to return some videotapes”
― Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho

“Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing.”
― Peyton Manning

“Is that a stake, Bones, or are you just happy with my new dress?”

“In this case, it’s a stake. You could always feel around for something more, though. See what comes up.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day," Raquel said firmly. "And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies.”
― Claudia Gray, Evernight

“Sam came around the side of the car and stopped dead when he saw me. “Oh my God, what is THAT?” I used my thumb and middle finger to flick the multicolored pom-pom on top of my head. “In my language, we call it a HAT. It keeps my ears warm.” “Oh my God,” Sam said again, and closed the distance between us. He cupped my face in his hands and studied me. “It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.”
― Maggie Stiefvater, Shiver

“Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run.
No!
If you save somebody's life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I'm all yers.”
― Moira Young, Blood Red Road

“What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“He’s always asking: ‘Is that new? I haven’t seen that before.’ It’s like, Why don’t you mind your own business? Solve world hunger. Get out of my closet.”
― Michelle Obama

“However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, "I'm just crying because of how wrong you are.”
― amy poehler, Yes Please

“I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.”
― Mark A. Cooper, Royal Decree

“It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.”
“‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass

“Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?"

"Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?"

That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. "He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats."

Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh.

"I might die of surprise," Lucien said behind me. "You made a joke, Feyre."

I turned to look at him with a cool smile. "You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you." I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat.

"I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien," Tamlin said.

A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, "Brushed.”
― Sarah J. Maas, A Court of Thorns and Roses

“Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams

“Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me,” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen!” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed on me. That’s when I realized that what I had a firm grip on was no longer his hand.”
― Jeaniene Frost, Halfway to the Grave

“Are you a female dog?"
"What?" Massie asked. "Why?"
"Because you are acting like a real bitch!”
― Lisi Harrison, The Clique

“She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.”
― Rick Riordan, The House of Hades

“She blinked. "Hmm? Oh, don't care. What did Anubis look like to you?"
"What did... he looked like a guy. So?"
"A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?"
"I guess... Not the dog-headed guy."
"I knew it!" Sadie pointed at me as if she'd won an argument.
"Good-looking. I knew it!"
And with a ridiculous grin, she spun around and skipped into the house.
My sister, as I may have mentioned, is a little strange.”
― Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

“You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?"
"I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands.”
― Kristin Cashore, Graceling

“I planted a kamikaze kiss on Jamie’s cheek.
“FUCK,” he shouted, wiping it off. “What if you killed me!” He threw a Skittle at my face. It hit my forehead.
“Ow!”
“Taste the rainbow bitch.”
― Michelle Hodkin, The Retribution of Mara Dyer

“Well, someone slap my butt and give me a hero cookie. (Nick)”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Infinity

“I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I'm about to kick the shit out of life.”
― Maria Semple, Where'd You Go, Bernadette

“I passed out from stress? That’s it?”
“I believe the princess term is fainted,” said Thorne.”
― Marissa Meyer, Winter

“I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt

“IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY!”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

“Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?'
'No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian