Paranormal Romance & Urban Fantasy discussion

Every once in a while, I learn something entirely unexpected while reading a novel. One thing that comes to mind: I learned from the Anita Blake series that the proper way to wear a garter belt is UNDER the underwear. I didn't know that, but it sure makes a lot of practical sense. What unexpected wisdom have you garnered from your PNR reading?

Heh..good idea for a thread. I've got a few things, but they're not as practical as the garter thing.

What I've learned from PNR:

- Don't wear perfume. It repels vampires.

- If a terrifying tall, dark, grim-faced stranger kidnaps you and subjects you to bizarre behaviour, relax. You're his soulmate and are going to get the best sex you've ever had.

- Re the sex: don't be afraid if he bites you. Repeatedly. This is a cultural thing.

- Scent is everything. Rub yourself over as many surfaces as you can so your one special paranormal will find you. And claim you.

- Don't be surprised if you find a mesmerizing, powerful vampire completely obsessed with you in the middle of nowhere and then twenty seconds later, find a mesmerizing, powerful werewolf also completely obsessed with you in the same spot in the middle of nowhere. This is known as Victim's Luck. Go with it.

- Inciting alpha males to white-hot jealousy is a very, very good idea. The sex gets better.

- Faked orgasms? Thing of the past. Your needs come first. First rule of paranormal lovin'.

- You will always taste/smell/feel good to your paranormal soulmate, and he can never get enough of you. Morning breath, BO, weight issues, cracked heels--these things just don't matter anymore. Sit back and enjoy the relationship jackpot.

- If you hook up with a vampire, sooner or later your circadian cycles are going to get messed up. Start a course of sunbed sessions. He might not need his vitamin D, but you're technically still a human.

- UNLESS. You are also a vampire/werewolf/paranormal. In which case, hmm. There are no weird things you can learn from the genre, you probably invented most of the rules.

Oh my god. STRUGGLING to hold it together at work.

HILARIOUS, Moss. HILARIOUS.

LMAO - Brilliant!

LMAO! Love it, Moss!

LMAO! I gave up trying to hold it together. That was great Moss.

Moss--Hubby is sitting half awake on the sofa and if I suddenly belt out laughing and fall out of my chair, he'll get upset. (He's NOT a morning person, in much the same way that vamps are not morning people)

Speaking of which--you left out THE most important thing that one learns from PNR's.

Killing and eating someone who wakes you out of a sound sleep early in the morning is self defense and you should get a medal for it.

Hehe..glad you guys liked it. Sigh..don't we wish most of these rules applied to real life?

Lol Ann, you're so right!

ok...so umm.. how does one even go about being in a place where one could perhaps encounter their paranormal soulmate?

(after all the marvelous points Moss made, who wants a regular old human...especially in NYC, where all men are frackin metrosexuals it seems)

My battle cry!!

Down with the metrosexual!

All hail the manly man!

LOL... This is a right entertaining thread. I'm glad I waited until I wasn't at work to read it. Though I think everyone at work is used to my random bursts of laughter by now.

ROFLMAO I seldom laugh so hard I nearly wet myself... that was brilliant, Moss..brilliant!

Sorry, Anita, but I don't think any of us can even attempt to top Moss' hilarious contribution.

I will say though, that at the garter belt thing, I thought "well, thank you, Jean Claude! That seems FAR more practical!" Funny how that scene stood out for me too-of course, that means I've just admitted to owning and wearing a garter belt Or two. Cest la vie!

Oh noes I killed the thread. Sorry Anita, didn't mean to. Come on PNR lovers, there are so many more lessons we've learned from Frost, Ward, Kenyon and Co.!

Lol! No! You did it! Take responsibility, now. Don't be blaming us if we're not as creative as your masterful, intimidating self!

hehehehe Michelle you crack me up.

Thank you, thank you.

::bowing::

(psst...you're still responsible)

::scuttling off, tee heeing all the way::

I'll tell you one thing that plagues me since I've been reading the paranormal...

Can that woman hear my thoughts? Does she know I think her shoes are hideous? She's looking at me! Eek!

> Rub yourself over as many surfaces as you can so your one special paranormal will find you.

Moss, you have the first 10 chapters of a new series!

Maybe you can add chapters on reducing shin splints when marathoning in stiletto heels; the proper care of blood-soaked leather; and conservation of mass/energy in were-populations.

The tall dark handsome hero in the book has camouflage muscles which contract and swell inside.....you know where

Wow agree with Michelle I don't think I can top u Moss

this is a great topic to wake up and read. and then laugh and have your animals look at you like you've lost your mind. :)

Moss wrote: "Heh..good idea for a thread. I've got a few things, but they're not as practical as the garter thing.

What I've learned from PNR:

- Don't wear perfume. It repels vampires.

- If a terrify..."

You need to do 100 and rival "The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord"

http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/ove...

- If a terrifying tall, dark, grim-faced stranger kidnaps you and subjects you to bizarre behaviour, relax. You're his soulmate and are going to get the best sex you've ever had.

So, so true.

- If a terrifying tall, dark, grim-faced stranger kidnaps you and subjects you to bizarre behaviour, relax. You're his soulmate and are going to get the best sex you've ever had.

That is sooooooooo funny! If only real life could be like this.

Well, I've learned some wired stuff myself:

1. rare burgers are the perfect medical solution for severe blood lost.

2. psychic vampires have the most romantic and loving thoughts while in bed. not even one naughty/kinky/Pamela Anderson thought on their mind.

3. If you wanna draw some hot Vampiric attention, all you need to do is dress up like the plainest, geekiest, sixteen year-old virgin. the plainer you are the faster they'll come running...

Shay wrote: "3. If you wanna draw some hot Vampiric attention, all you need to do is dress up like the plainest, geekiest, sixteen year-old virgin. the plainer you are the faster they'll come running..."

That one doesn't work...I've been doing that for years and the only vampires that hit on me are girls--Oh, wait...I should dress like a plain, geeky, 16 year old virginal GIRL!

Thank you Shay!!!!! I'm going to Forever 16 right now!

I've learned that every characteristic about men that I loathe in real life, I will LOVE from a vampire or were.

Overbearing? sign me up
Jealous to the point of going into a murderous rage? check!! That's a panty stripper right there.
Domineering? ooooh goody
Possesive? I know it just means you love me!
Cocky & Arrogant? Oh boy, the lust meter is going off the charts.

........ LMAO XD

::falls out of chair::

Lol wow it's like u read my mind

Moss wrote: "Heh..good idea for a thread. I've got a few things, but they're not as practical as the garter thing.

What I've learned from PNR:

- Don't wear perfume. It repels vampires.

- If a terrify..."

OMG! I just copied your entire thread and pasted it to my girlfriend who is also a PNR addict. Waaaay funny...

Nifferness wrote: "I've learned that every characteristic about men that I loathe in real life, I will LOVE from a vampire or were.

Overbearing? sign me up
Jealous to the point of going into a murderous rage? c..."

oh so true--this topic is really making me lol!

oohhh--I just remembered the BEST one--

My new paranormal honey will go out and make it his business to see that everyone who has ever hurt me (that cheating boyfriend--just made the evening news when parts of his body started turning up in odd places) comes to regret it very quickly and VERY sincerely. I now no longer have to worry about--cheating boyfriends, supposed girlfriends who try to steal MY man, rip off artists of any stripe or caliber. And, best of all--my newspaper is always placed very neatly and carefully in the middle of my front porch just an arm's reach from the front door.

I don't think I saw this one on the list:

Drinking blood is an incredible aphrodisiac. Not only will you climax as you ingest each other's blood, you get the added bonus of that blood being like a little GPS system--so no matter where you go, never fear... he'll find you.

Oh! Don't forget the blood also heightens your senses and enhances your natural abilities. So, after ingesting said blood, you are now a BAD A$$ B!TCH!

But don't get greedy because humans can only drink a pint of blood before they automatically regurgitate--you certainly don't want to waste that precious stuff. A vial if the blood sells for top dollar in certain areas--Bon Temps, LA for instance.

Ahhh, I'm learning SOOO much from this thread! Thank you ladies! ...now I just need to go find a dentist to get these fangs installed...

Anthony wrote: "Ahhh, I'm learning SOOO much from this thread! Thank you ladies! ...now I just need to go find a dentist to get these fangs installed..."

i have been trying to get my husband to get retractable fangs implanted for years--I just don't know why he is hesitant...

(sheaking head) MEN, right Cherra?

Ann--I don't get it. Fangs = the best sex of your life. I guess he's happy with what he has...***HEAVY SIGH***

I know. MY hubby won't get them either. Sigh, guess I just have to make do with the tall,dark (well, its white now, but it WAS dark) and handsome part, right? :o) And did I mention the blue eyes. Sigh, he's my McDreamy.

One juicy thing I learned YEARS AGO-from a book I read-the reason a Vamp likes the Femoral vein in the crotch so much is it's THRUMMING with the female hormone that also carries an EXTRA scent of a girls YOU-KNO-WHAT-hahaha-that's why they LOVE
to take blood there-I Keep WAITING-heehee

I'd like to be sandwitched between let's see-Frank Langela(when he was young-altho I still think he's sexy as HELL-Frank Langela-GaryOldman-Steven Moyer-ALL THREE AT ONCE-AHHHHHHH-DELICIOUS

Michelle M. wrote: "My battle cry!!

Down with the metrosexual!

All hail the manly man!
"
I'm with Michelle M.!!!!-Give me a Real Man that can LAY THAT HAMMER DOWN!!!!!
Stav wrote: "ok...so umm.. how does one even go about being in a place where one could perhaps encounter their paranormal soulmate?

(after all the marvelous points Moss made, who wants a regular old human......"

lol, this thread has made my blah wednesday rather enjoyable.

Genious thread anita. I like the part that when you find your soulmate (who's usually drop dead gorgeous), whether he wants to or not he's bound to love you forever. No worrying about divorce or cheating. I love that part. "Oh the places you'll go" in a good book.

LOL, Anthony. Informative and entertaining, what more could you ask?

Sigh, wasn't the Frank Langella Dracula outstanding? I remember seeing it in the theatre, and when he's hanging upside down outside of Lucy's window with the thunder going in the background--man I almost jumped out of my SEAT. Of course, lets face it--NO ONE has Bela's accent and voice. Man, he really NAILED Drac, right? :o)

And, speaking of metrosexual--Janet Evanovich has Metro Girl. I liked that book, because the metrosexual person in it was "Barny" Barnaby--a female who could kick a## with the best of em. :o)

Another thing you learn:
*Don't ever get a water bed, it could lead to drowning. Water beds do not mix with any type of paranormal lover, excluding Fred the Mermaid.

Fred the Mermaid........ ROFLMAO

I'm snorting iced coffee reading this. I heart you all.

Enid wrote: "The tall dark handsome hero in the book has camouflage muscles which contract and swell inside.....you know where"

Yes, thank you Enid for saying it because that tidbit was a definite learning experience for me as well! LOL!