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Book blurb FEEDBACK Please
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V.M. wrote: "1. Lose the 3 starting descriptors and the first 1/2 of the first sentence."If you want a differing opinion, when I'm choosing a fiction book (as opposed to a nonfiction book) I usually make up my mind in the first sentence. I agree the descriptors are not necessary. I was intrigued by "More is uncovered than the terrorist's plans when NSA Special Agent [PUT NAME IN HERE], etc." Women like female main characters, so put it up front, I think.
I do not read erotica, not even "hard" (sexually explicit) romance. I probably would not buy this book thinking that all the references to nudity ("uncovered") and sex ("sexy") would make the book too much for me. But it would, I think, attract people who read that kind of thing.
Hope this helps.
The first sentence, "More is uncovered than the terrorist's plans when NSA Special Agent lures her target," needs the main character's name. It feels out of place to open a summary with a sentence that isn't more specific about the main character. It also feels a bit like a fragment. And it reads like a sentence that would be found in the middle of a summary, not as the opening line. But that's just my two cents. Go with your gut.
V.M. wrote: "Hey Isabelle,Your blurb is well written and strikes the right notes for enticing romantic-suspense (I think it's like Harlequin Intrigue?) readers.
There's alot of information given to the read..."
I adjusted the blurb. Thanks for your feedback. Let me know if you think this addresses your points!
Thanks again.
Susan wrote: "V.M. wrote: "1. Lose the 3 starting descriptors and the first 1/2 of the first sentence."If you want a differing opinion, when I'm choosing a fiction book (as opposed to a nonfiction book) I usua..."
Thanks for your feedback. You are right that my book has some sexually explicit parts. I wouldn't consider it erotica, though, it is a romance that is sexually explicit. That is why I wanted to use language that hinted at that so someone such as yourself wouldn't be upset choosing a book that had that in it. I appreciate the help! Let me know what you think of the changes, please.
M. wrote: "The first sentence, "More is uncovered than the terrorist's plans when NSA Special Agent lures her target," needs the main character's name. It feels out of place to open a summary with a sentence ..."Yes, thanks so much for your feedback. I added the protagonist's name. I made other changes as well, please let me know what you think. Thanks again.
About the intro sentence: It might be just me, but it still feels like a bit of a fragment. I also prefer to use "a" rather than "the" in a first sentence because you haven't referenced who the terrorist yet. So something like: More is uncovered than a terrorist plot when NSA Special Agent Kathryn Bryant lures her target into a trap. (...or something like her web).
More is uncovered than a terrorist plot when NSA Special Agent Kathryn Bryant lures her target, the _________ Alex Reed, into a trap. (handsome/alluring/charming/dashing???)
Your second paragraph needs to be tighter. It doesn't need the he likes her b/c of X and she likes him b/c of Y.
I'd also not use: "so buy Isabelle Joshua's debut book today." Too salesy for a description, but that's my opinion. I actually like your original description better.
I hope this helps. Like I said, this is only my take, so go with your own intuition.
I like the opening--it's a draw for the reader to possibly read the rest of your synopsis. One never knows how far a reader will go before losing interest as I'm going by what I do. I tend to get lost in too many details, but get hooked on that "one" thing, whatever it is. Your three words up front indicate quite a bit. How you roll is ultimately up to you. I'm one of those "less is more" adherents.
All the best to you--you've gotten some sound advice already.
Mod
This whole paragraph loses me. To say it's a "page-turner" and has you "wondering what happens next" is redundant. I'd rather be shown what makes a heroine "strong" rather than just be told she is. The rest of the blurb makes both characters seem really cautious about their feelings for one another. I'm not sure how that translates to "steamy hot".
The last bit is a turn off. "so buy Isabelle Joshua's debut book today" It seems desperate. I would lose it completely.
As for the rest, it's good, but could be made better by truncating it and watching for clichés. You want to lure a reader in, not tell them the entire story. There's a lot of detail there that seems could be left out. (Do we need to know that Alex Reed has great friends?) I'd probably kill the first sentence, since the information in it is repeated later.
The rework of the blurb is a lot better, in my opinion. I like that you interoduced both characters and the situation, because in the first blurb I didn't actually know what was happening. I'm still a bit unclear about it, though. For example, you say that Alex has a beautiful family, but then you hint at the fact that a previous relationship ended. I'm unclear about this point.
Other points are foggy. You say 'something' is missing from Alex's life, which doens't really go with what you said just before (that basically, he has a wonderful, fulfilling life). I'd be more specific on this because it sounds like he's cheating on his wife.
If I have to be hones, I'm not really getting the impression of a romance here, because of the unclear parts. It looks to me as if Kathryn is using sex-appeal to manipulate Alex (for her job) and as if Alex falls in the trap and ends up cheating on his wife and family.
You may want to clear this.
Hope this helps.
A lot of good advice given here, so my suggestion will be short.I would move the sentence, "Spending the week with Alex Reed without arousing suspicion puts all Kathryn’s wits and training to the test. She has to move quickly to gain his trust and desire so she can steal the intel." to after the paragraph introducing Alex.
Also, one grammatical nitpick, in the sentence that begins, The target, gorgeous Alex Reed, is an accomplished attorney that unknowingly... , it should be, 'who' unknowingly, not, 'that' unknowingly. Let's not let the grammar Nazi readers discover that and not buy your book over such a minor infraction.
Arthur wrote: "A lot of good advice given here, so my suggestion will be short.I would move the sentence, "Spending the week with Alex Reed without arousing suspicion puts all Kathryn’s wits and training to the ..."
Of course I realize I'm being a Grammar Nazi, here. Good luck with the book!
Sorry, I didn't see the replies to my updated post until today. It's been a busy few weeks. I will work on the updates from the added suggestions! I really appreciate all your help!
Isabelle
Hi All,I went back and changed it dramatically. See what you think?
Kathryn Bryant became an NSA agent only because her asshole ex-boyfriend, the current covert ops director, lied and coerced her into working for the NSA.
She imagined a life with a good-looking husband (former ex-boyfriend), wearing gray pantsuits, and sensible pumps as a boring tax attorney living in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. Instead, a uniform of plunging, cleavage-exposing blouses, tight skirts, and stilettos fill her closet.
She’s miserable because espionage appears sexy until the mission includes dry humping a fat, snoring naked man. So she plots to disappear and escape, but she has to complete one last mission with a target that is unlike any other, manufacturing desire for him is unnecessary. Spending the week with Alex Reed without arousing suspicion puts all Kathryn’s wits and training to the test. Alex is a witty, accomplished attorney that unknowingly represents a US company that funds terrorism. Kathryn realizes he may provide the best path for her escape, but can she convince him that their week together wasn't all a lie or will she sacrifice the mission and happiness with the truth?
Isabelle Joshua makes her powerful debut with this intriguing, fast-paced, suspenseful romance. Similar to Carrie on Homeland and Elizabeth on The Americans, Kathryn is thrust into a world of counter-terrorism and uses her sex appeal and intelligence to become the top agent for the NSA, surrounded by men trying to control her life.
Hiii, Miss Isabelle!My apologies for missing the first blurb you shared. Hmm. Actually, I just checked the date and I totally wasn't on GR yet, so I'm off the hook *smirks*
I dig the new one sooo much more!! The original one, though well-written, fell flat for me. I'm a sucker for getting into the main's head, or else blurbs all start sounding generic. Just me though *shrugs*
This new blurb really gave Kathryn some oompf and personality! I really liked the opening line. It says so much about her backstory without giving away anything vital.
With that being said, I feel like it's a bit long and "wordy"? Like the 2nd paragraph is kinda cute, but...bah! I'm terrible at explaining shizz. Just gonna copy/paste and show ya what I mean instead. I hope that's not offensive!! If so, please let me know and I shall delete it straightaway, ma'am!!
Kathryn Bryant only became an NSA agent because her asshole ex-boyfriend lied and coerced her into working for them.I dunno haha. Something like that? Just my 2 cents. I think you have a really great foundation which a ton of catchy lines in there!!
Espionage appears sexy until the mission includes dry humping a fat, snoring naked man. To disappear and escape, she has to complete one last mission with a target that puts all her training to the test.
Alex Reed is a witty, accomplished attorney who unknowingly represents a US company that is funding terrorism. Can Kathryn convince him that their time together wasn't all a lie or will she sacrifice the mission and happiness with the truth?
Hugs,
Ann
EDIT: Something is "missing" for me between the last 2 sentences. Can't quite pinpoint it though...umm...maybe a sentence to convey their chemistry/attraction? Again, no idea haha
Espionage. Passion. Deceit.
More is uncovered than the terrorist's plans when NSA Special Agent lures her target.
Forced to work for the NSA, sexy Special Agent Kathryn Bryant has one last mission before she escapes her lonely life of espionage. This mission is unlike any other she's done because she has to reveal herself in more ways than one. Kathryn is the only agent able to handle the complexity and allure required to entice the target. Spending the week with gorgeous Alex Reed without arousing suspicion puts all her wits and training to the test. Kathryn has to move quickly to gain his trust and desire so she can steal the intel. But Alex puts the mission and her heart in jeopardy…
The Swallow is the first installment in a series of mature romance novels. If you like a page-turner that has you wondering what will happen next, a strong heroine and a steamy hot love story, then you'll love Isabelle Joshua's debut book.
Visit isabellejoshua.com to learn about her upcoming books.
From 5/4/16
V.M, Susan, and M,
Thank you all so much for your feedback!
Here is the revised blurb:
More is uncovered than the terrorist's plans when NSA Special Agent Kathryn Bryant lures her target. Forced to work for the NSA, she’s learned to detach from others but she plots to escape her lonely life of espionage. Before she can gain her freedom, she has one last mission. Kathryn is the only agent able to handle the complexity and allure required to entice the target. Spending the week with Alex Reed without arousing suspicion puts all Kathryn’s wits and training to the test. She has to move quickly to gain his trust and desire so she can steal the intel.
The target, gorgeous Alex Reed, is an accomplished attorney that unknowingly represents a US company that funds terrorism. He is witty, successful, has a great family and friends, but something is missing. Alex is excited by Kathryn but cautious because of how his last relationship ended. Alex pursues her and gives her a glimpse of a life that she’s missing.
What will Kathryn do when the relationship with Alex puts her mission and heart in jeopardy…
The Swallow is the first installment in a series of mature romance novels. You can expect a page-turner that has you wondering what will happen next, a strong heroine and a steamy hot love story, so buy Isabelle Joshua's debut book today.
Visit isabellejoshua.com to learn about her upcoming books.
Let me know what you think...