Our Shared Shelf discussion

I wasn't quite sure where this fit, so "Miscellaneous" it is.

I was hoping to get some opinions on a topic I have been rolling around in my head for quite a bit of time.

Are men and women treated equally when they put family ahead of career? I am a woman and a mom. I put my son's needs ahead of my career. I was a single mom for a long time and am the primary caregiver. I don't have family around and I don't expect his step-dad to step in and do some of the things that need to be done. This is partly because he legally isn't able to make decisions, but mostly because I am involved in my sons life. Now, my son goes to equine therapy regularly among other appointments and school functions. I believe this has had an effect on my career advancement.

When I was interviewing for positions, if they asked about my personal life I mentioned my son and I saw the disinterest as soon as I mentioned him. (Hopefully I'm just paranoid).

Is putting family first detrimental to all careers, no matter who it is? Opinions? Is it just in the US, where work-life balance is frowned upon?

I am sorry if I didn't explain myself clearly. It's been a long day :)

It's not just you. Most companies want people who will put aside their private lives for company profit. I am a single parent too, I have twenty years military experience in aircraft electrical and electronics systems, and yet, I work as a dishwasher in a small restaurant. Most companies also don't want older workers. It sucks but there it is. When asked, I would tell my prospective employer that there is nothing more important than my daughter. I guess I didn't get many good jobs because of that. Hope this helps...or at least doesn't discourage you too much. David Larkin

This is an example of sexism looking after the family was seen as women work indeed in the past it was expected for women to give up there career no matter what it was when they married.

Thankfully this is no longer common but business has still not adjusted to the need to free both partners when people have children. Progress is being made with flexible working but it still needs to be brought into provision for career development.

Most importantly, you need to identity with yourself if you are working for a salary or for career advancement. Once you have that sorted out, you will make better decisions. If you are working for salary, make time for your family. I would never work long hours if I have a family and I won't let my staff to work long hours if I was a boss. Work is from 9 to 5, then go home. No work is greater than family that can't be put down till tomorrow or a later date.

Time management is a skill and probably you might wanna consider some classes on it. Trust me, your life will improve with better time management. Life becomes less stressful and manageable. You just need to sort out your priorities and to get it right, you need to identify your purpose of existence. What do you wanna be?

Also it is okay to get some help from the step-dad. I thought that it should go without saying but if a man chooses to date a woman with children, he should be partly responsible. Your problems become his problems as well. He should not just try to be there for the good times.

Benarji wrote: "Most importantly, you need to identity with yourself if you are working for a salary or for career advancement. Once you have that sorted out, you will make better decisions."

While I agree with some of the things you write, Benjari, I don't with these first lines of your post.

Everyone obviously works for a salary (anyone who thinks this is not the primary motivation for doing the job they do, please explain!), and this doesn't mean we can also want career advancement.

My work is pretty cool about work-private life balance, and I think the mentality in many other companies is changing as well. However, there are still many companies who would ask of their employees to put the job first, which I think is definitely wrong.

So Ashley, I don't think you're the only one and sadly, I don't think you're being paranoid. I hope that with more awareness campaigns and different laws, things will change, because yes family is important, but to many people their career is too, and it should definitely be possible to have a fulfilling life on both sides!

This is the second time in the week that I've been confused with this Benjari guy. I don't know who he is but i bet that he must be pretty awesome. The name is Benarji.

The first line is your set of priorities. At the end of day, everybody works for the weekend, which is of course, salary. If you want career advancement, be prepared for more commitments and responsibilities, which makes you have less time for your family. It is about compromising your work-family but not abandoning your role in the family as a mother. Being career oriented doesn't mean that you don't have time for your family anymore. It only means that you will have to be wiser in planning your schedule but of course, if you are just interested in the salary, just do your bare minimum. Everybody gets paid at the end of day, it is about how much you wanna bring home.

thank you all for your comments! it's good to know that more companies seem to be focused on providing a work life balance. hopefully that means I've run into the few companies that seem to focus less on this!

while I am definitely working for a salary...bc isn't that why we all work...I would still like to believe that if I work hard through the week, advancement and enjoying my career is still an option...

For Emma: thanks for the support, but i've found that 'family oriented' and' your family should come first' is about as real as the Navy's 'our people are our most valuable resource!' That only holds true until the aircraft carrier is built, and then it's business as usual, where the 'most valuable resource' enlisted men (sic) are returned to their position of servitude, very nearly slavery. When I made Chief, a Senior Chief told me if I wanted to keep my new pay grade, I would have to 'reassess my priorities', (meaning, put the 'needs of the Navy' ahead of my daughter's welfare.) I put in my retirement papers that day. Needless to say, my evaluations dropped from 4.0 to 3.2, which is the lowest they can be without either a court martial or a serious explanation. Several recommendations for high level jobs in San Diego also 'vanished'. Oh well. I can look at myself in the mirror and say "I did the right thing." David Larkin

There are some companies that do put family concerns as a priory but they are still not enough.

Maybe its time to consider forming unions and taking some of the power back. It's what happened last time forces ( social economic) alined like that have now. Then we got working conditions improved, holidays etc. This time we could have equal pay and child care on the agenda.

power to the people :)

Maybe its time to consider forming unions and taking some of the power back."

Seconded! Join an existing one or form a new, standing together is powerful.