Amazon exiles discussion

Really? I always thought that untreatable Verucca was his tragic daughter who died in infancy; thank you for that clarification, I used to feel so sorry for his loss!

I have always felt so very sorry for his oldest Daughter.

Yes, I know that there are some really weird and downright daft names on record for some unfortunate offspring of Musicians ... Zowie Bowie, Dweezil and Diva Muffin and Moon Unit Zappa, Bluebell Madonna Halliwell, Prince Michael and then Prince Michael II aka 'Blanket' Jackson, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, etc, etc, all suddenly spring to the Mind just for starters ...

But Mortimer Chalfont's oldest Daughter surely just has to have the very worst name ever for such a lovely girl to have to try to grow up and live with?!! ;oO

If the story is to be believed, it all came about through having a very impressionable and star-struck young Priest presiding over the Christening - and due in part to Morty himself for being rather worse for wear on the eventful morning after the night before ... when there had been much wetting of the whistle as well as of the Baby's Head.

He came racing at full pelt into the Church, by then over a good hour later than everyone else, clutching the Baby who had been spontaneously dressed for the special occasion in a rather fetching and only ever-so-slightly damp Boddingtons Beer Bar Towel.

Morty tripped over the shoe-laces of his Blue Suede Shoes ... which were most admiringly remarked upon by all of the attending Fashion Commentators whilst they very kindly chose to make no public mention at all of his glaringly obvious failure to also put on any Trousers ... and, in him doing so, he slipped and then slid down the entire length of the Aisle narrowly missing by only a mere inch from colliding with Bishop of Bath and Wells - who was widely rumoured at the time to be the Baby's Mother's Father!

Instead he came to a sudden abrupt stop just short of the Font itself and promptly dropped the poor little Mite right in it ... and the Priest who was rather carried away by all the excitement of such a spectacularly grand celebrity entrance immediately Christened the Baby with the very first thing that Morty exclaimed.

Poor sweet innocent little ... Gordon Bennett! - That Was A Ruddy Close One! Chalfont.

suzysunshine7 wrote: "I have always felt so very sorry for his oldest Daughter.

Yes, I know that there are some really weird and downright daft names on record for some unfortunate offspring of Musicians ... Zowie Bowi..."

.... shortened I believe to Rudy Chloe Chalfont by deed poll

Mortimer said all that without swearing?

Well, he was in Church at the time, Ginger ... and I understand that there is only so many times that a Body can take being suddenly struck by the divine intervention of Lightning - so he probably wasn't going to risk the chance of it happening yet again?

He had been struck 12 times already during the Christening Rehearsal! ;oO

He must have been well toasted by then!

Sizzled as well as sozzled ;o>

suzysunshine7 wrote: "Sizzled as well as sozzled ;o>"

The silly sausage!

... the exact title of the 3rd Single he released from his 15th Album ... ! ;o>

With a b-side of 'messages from the proprietor'

I feel that I must come clean now and admit that one of my favourite Mortimer Chalfont's Albums is his quite extraordinary experimental 9th Album featuring several duets with Pinky & Perky Pig.

Not a particularly popular choice with most Chalfont fans, I know, but it does kind of grow on you after the third listen. By the fifth time it is indeed quite true that you reach a point where you absolutely NEVER EVER want to listen to it again for as long as you live! ... but the malignant memory of it eventually eases it's clenched grip on your Sanity and does start to ever-so-slightly mellow in the Mind over the next couple of decades.

It apparently took a whole year of everyone being virtually locked in 24/7 to record it?! - and you can actually just about make out the soft helpless and, by then, hopeless sound of the Studio Engineer suffering his complete Nervous Breakdown as he sobs uncontrollably in the Background throughout each Track.

Marvellous! ;o>

suzysunshine7 wrote: "I feel that I must come clean now and admit that one of my favourite Mortimer Chalfont's Albums is his quite extraordinary experimental 9th Album featuring several duets with Pinky & Perky Pig."

The rumours at the time Suzy, were that the names Pinky and Perky were used for contractual reasons and that the duets were actually performed by Barry White and Tom Jones using helium balloons. According to the Studio Engineer, Melvin Ffiste, in an interview years later, the sobs were sobs of uncontrollable laughter.

You can imagine how amusing it must have seemed at the time !

I so often ask myself, Huck, will the remarkable revelations never end?! ;o>

So the mystery over that Album only deepens further then? ... as I still, to this day, continue to suffer from occasional episodes of PTSD after being utterly un-nerved by the sound of a Gunshot two minutes and 47 seconds into the 8th Track ... 'You Always Put The Eek In My Squeak'

The thing is that it has previously been suggested that it is the actual recording of a (thankfully) failed attempt by a desperate Melvin to despairingly try to put himself out of his own musical misery?

If Melvin was indeed such a hysterically happy bunny at the time? - then it does now beg the question of who shot who? Oooh? - and could the 9th Album possibly even be a Snuff Album?!! ;oO

suzysunshine7 wrote: "I so often ask myself, Huck, will the remarkable revelations never end?! ;o>

So the mystery over that Album only deepens further then? ... as I still, to this day, continue to suffer from occasion..."

The idea of it being a snuff album is strangely exciting Suzy. However it is more likely that what we are hearing is a helium balloon bursting which would also explain why the last 2 tracks, 9 and 10, don't feature Pinky and Perky.

It is rather curious that the sleeve notes include a declaration that "No animals were harmed in the making of this album".

Wasn't it around that time that Mortimer was interviewed by a Good Food Magazine Journalist at the spectacular Hog Roast that was held to celebrate the Album's release? ;o>

His Fans were so thrilled when he proudly declared himself to now be a fully committed Vegetarian ... who just so happened to also still like eating Meat, Poultry, Game and Fish with all of his Vegetables.

suzysunshine7 wrote: "Wasn't it around that time that Mortimer was interviewed by a Good Food Magazine Journalist at the spectacular Hog Roast that was held to celebrate the Album's release? ;o>
I bow to your superior knowledge regarding the album launch - it does sound like the sort of promotional gimmick that Chalfont liked to indulge in.
Morty was faddish in many things and Yiddish in a few. I remember he described himself as "a Level 2 Vegetarian", defined by him as someone who only ate the meat of animals that were herbivore, although strangely he was prepared to compromise this by eating fish, explaining in the song "Cannibalism Doesn't Count" that fish generally only eat their own kind. He was a complex human being !

"He was a complex human being"

and it was this that led him to be selected by the teuchter mafia to compose a new power ballad as the tartan ratpack (mckeller, stewart, anderson, morrison, lorne-gillies, and of course, tom and jack) were getting fed up with the old standards - new blood was needed! the mafia don put an encrypted ad in the music press, which no-one could de-code, but why would a little thing like that hold back the bold morty from answering it anyway! and as no-one else did, got the gig. not even being slightly scottish didn't really deter him, as he imagined he could pump out sincere and dreary scottish power ballads in his sleep. he was given the run of the mafia's archive underground complex by way of boosting his inspiration. he was given a week till the mafia returned to see the results of his labours.
anyhoo, after about 20 minutes, he had both written 6 power ballads (including the genuinely tender tearjerker 'mah bonny lass o' minishant') and found the key to the mafia's whisky cabinet (you were expecting sherry? not for a hard drinker like moira!), and pretty much spent the rest of the week emptying it. so after a week, of which morty could remember little, they all returned to be bowled over by the quality of his songs. a little less so by the state of the place and the strong smell of the country. nonetheless, andy and big ken were vying to be the first to record these wonderful ballads, patting morty heartily on the back, it would seem that the future of the trad scottish ballad was in safe hands. the only individuals not in the huddle of joy were the henchmen tom and jack, who were staring at an empty frame on the wall just above the altar of sir harry (on which is propped the only surviving copy of 'jimmy shand meets the teuchters uptown'), and in perfect unison stated loudly "WHERE......WHERE ARE SIR HARRY'S HOLY LYRICS"
all went quiet, and all turned to face the empty frame, except morty who was still steaming drunk with the whisky and accolades. andy stewart cried "sir harry's hand written scroll of 'roamin' in the gloamin', our holy sacrament, whaes responsible fur sich sacrilege?" all eyes turned to the still oblivious morty, except those of moira, who was busy uncrumpling a balled up wad of paper she had found in the corner. she flattened it out on the table read it, and then tears prevented her saying anything at all. big ken ran over to catch her when she feinted. all gathered to examine the paper - tom and jack, in unison of course, cried 'wur bonny words huv been fouled by the sassenach - mak 'um secure, wull need tae bring in the don for this!'
so monty was slapped about a bit and tied to a chair, still a little foggy as to what he'd done, although that frame was ringing a distant bell.
after an hour or so big ken announced that the don was here, and as the door opened, morty had barely time to exclaim 'midge ure?' before, after a very quick perusal of the document, the live aid legend passed sentence 'tak 'um oot, boys. gie um some ultravo...eh...ultraviolence, 'n' take it tae level laldy! wull need tae send the holy scrolls tae angus the forger fur repair'
many were the angry dancing nuts of scottish legends as they trampled on morty's neck and upper body. rainy and cold was the village of auchtermuchty when morty was booted out of the still moving teuchtermobile, the legend 'wan word o' this tae onywan, an' we'll fin' ye, 'n' it'll be laldy tae ye breath nae mair' ringing in his ears. morty had trouble trying to remember what it was that he'd to keep to himself, so just thought he'd chalk it down to experience. hey, he got a shedload of premium malt whisky for nothing, so 1-0 to morty. hey ho! that is why morty wouldn't remember, and the world would never sing along to the classic that never was (ritually burnt) 'mah bonny lass o' minishant'.
scene changes to the dirty cramped workspace of angus the forger, who keeps breaking off from his task of restoring the holy lyrics of sir harry, to have quiet hysterics! he'd been sworn to secrecy, and he won't dare defy the mafia, but this he was enjoying more than any other work he'd undertaken. the paper had been straightened out and was in the condition it had previously, now all he had to do was remove the shaky handwriting underneath sir harry's original scripture from the relic. how coud anyone have thought they were fit to expand on the master's work? below the lyrics it read,

wankin' doon the bankin'
cos ah cannae get a ride
wankin' doon the bankin'
wi' a scud book by mah side
when the sun has gone to rest
ah like tae hoist up mah string vest
an' go wankin' doon the bankin' in the gloamin

ah'll hand shandy tae ah go bandy
an' mah friction burns are sair
hand shandy tae ah go bandy
an' ah cannae take nae mair
everyboady's got a hoabby
mine's is playin' wi' mah boaby
goin' wankin' doon the bankin' in the gloamin

tut tut, morty, if only you could remember it!

Thanks for that Tech. Google Translate is having a bit of bother with some of the phrases - to be honest it doesn't seem to recognise what language is being used - I think it is confusing "teuchter" with "teutonic". Does the wan king you mention refer to Robert 1st (The Bruce) who is thought to have suffered from leprosy ?

no, in actuality the wan king was Duncan 1st (1001 - 1040), originally named Duncan MacRagrassgrow of rankin skwallid, famously known to be peely wally (wan) and often out of breath due to his persistent and frequent wan king!

His eyesight wasn’t too good either

true, but as val might say, he was a real spunk!

Tech wrote: "true, but as val might say, he was a real spunk!"

I didnae see that coming !

Morty's name popped up in a table quiz i was at last week. Question - who composed the theme music to 1978 TV sitcom "Come Back Mrs Noah"? Shame on me (and everyone else) - no correct answers, which sent me back to the Schnauzer biography.
The story begins in 1973 when Morty was asked to write a theme tune for a new BBC sitcom tentatively titled "The Library Mob", about three old codgers walking round the Yorkshire Dales talking rubbish. BBC offered Chalfont a deal whereby he'd be paid £50 for every episode filmed but the canny Morty wasn't confident about the show's longevity and insisted on a one off fee of £500. The BBC rejected this and turned to Ronnie Hazelhurst. Later that year the re-titled show "Last of the Summer Wine", first series hit the screens. The rest is history. Five years later Chalfont was offered a chance to compose the theme to a new BBC comedy vehicle for the mega star Mollie Sugden in the big budget "Come Back Mrs Noah" - a 21st century British housewife wins a visit to Britain's new space station but accidentally gets launched into space and stranded in orbit - co starring Gordon Kaye, and Ian Lavender. This time Morty was happy to accept a £60 per show fee to compose the tune, which was orchestrated and conducted by John Scott (who received £5000). The sitcom lasted 6 episodes - one series.

"Come Back Mrs Noah"
that sounded so awful, i thought you'd made it up! but it's real and looks really awful - i will need to watch it!

Tech wrote: ""Come Back Mrs Noah"
that sounded so awful, i thought you'd made it up! but it's real and looks really awful - i will need to watch it!"

Tut, Tech - you should know I would never make things up !

Huck wrote: "Tut, Tech - you should know I would never make thing up !"

:-D

yeah, what was i thinking?

amused to receive an email from amazon recommending,

Products similar to "Come Back Mrs Noah (The Complete Series)..."

... a stuffed Toy that looks like Mrs Slocombe's Pussy(!) and a Goldfish Bowl that you can wear on your Head while pretending to be floating around in Space? ;o>

I made the mistake of Googling Mortimer Chalfont once!

You would simply not believe the content of the Spam Mail that I've been receiving ever since! ;oO

Maybe you Googled Mortimer Spamfont by mistake.

Hi Folks
the complete Amazon discussion on Mortimer Chalfont is available to download FREE here
https://drive.google.com/open?id=1xHZ...
no time limit. Enjoy

That’s my winter reading sorted then Huck. Any news on the Chalfont front?

nocheese wrote: "That’s my winter reading sorted then Huck. Any news on the Chalfont front?"

Hi Cheesemeister
He is still missing in action. I may get some of those ridiculous presenters of Ghost Adventures, Most Haunted and Portals to Hell on the Really channel to point their scientific detecting equipment at the old Amazon discussions to see if they can find him.

There was a bit of a stir a few months back when metal detectorist and Chalfont fan Gary Spragg unearthed a ring embossed with the initials "MC" while pursuing his hobby down in Devon. Unfortunately it turned out to be a ringpull from a can of Merrydown Cider.

Ironically, when it came to ring pulling, allegedly Chalfont was something of an expert !

I do hope that’s a reference to his prodigious appetite for the amber nectar, and not something I have to look up in the Urban Dictionary.

nocheese wrote: "I do hope that’s a reference to his prodigious appetite for the amber nectar, and not something I have to look up in the Urban Dictionary."

Probably both, nc.

Noticed something suspicious while looking for Christmas present ideas online - namely gifts bearing the "Flynn" family coat of arms.
If you try this link https://www.houseofnames.com/product/...
and enter the surname "Chalfont" you can buy 4 coffee mugs with the Chalfont coat of arms. The Chalfont name goes back to Anglo-Saxon times. Now, as far as I know, they didn't have coffee back then ! Could Mortimer be supplementing his meagre pension these days by some cynical merchandising?

Good point, Huck. Coffee was discovered by an Ethiopian goatherd (or rather by his goat) in about 850 AD, thus after the Anglo-Saxon era. However, I wonder if a later Chalfont may have fetched up in a Constantinople coffee house, say around 1475 - 1500 AD? Perhaps those mugs are a souvenir of his trip? I'd hate to think that Morty has fallen on such hard times he is being forced to sell the (as it were) family silver.

ps hope your quest for your own coat of arms was successful.

nocheese wrote: "ps hope your quest for your own coat of arms was successful."

Indeed it was thanks, Nocheese - see:
http://www.irishsurnames.com/cgi-bin/...
i see that the Flynn c.o.a. signifies "a person worthy of trust" which must give you confidence in the accuracy of the Chalfont archive. Although I also see the name Flynn
means "ruddy" which implies "red faced" !

That ruddy wolf doesn’t look very trustworthy to me.

nocheese wrote: "That ruddy wolf doesn’t look very trustworthy to me."

don't be silly , it's only 2 inches tall !

I was writing out Christmas cards and was suddenly struck by an address - Mortimore St. Of course ...... it all came flooding back to me - and not a good way. Morty fled to Australia in the mid 70s seeking refuge from yet another sex/drugs/lip syncing/plagiarism scandal. Unfortunately he found us exuberantly wallowing in disco. Trying to earn a bit of dosh, he covered the Andrea True Connection's "More, More, More" but it sank like the crud it was. One fan, however, was working in the planning department overseeing a new suburban development. Despite his polyester leisure suits and glitter-bedecked platform boots, only one of his colleagues noticed that he had slipped the name Mortimore into the sub-division. While prepared to turn a blind eye, she thought Mortimire would have been a better choice.

Val wrote: "I was writing out Christmas cards and was suddenly struck by an address - Mortimore St. Of course ...... it all came flooding back to me - and not a good way. Morty fled to Australia in the mid 70s..."

Val, it's funny how these little coincidences spark happy memories of Chalfont.
The Andrea True "connection" is one examined in a fascinating book from 1987 entitled "Rock Ness Monster" by Al Zhukup (out of print). The book is a compilation of rock music related conspiracy theories. It includes the famous story that Elvis ("Comrade Prezli") was a Russian spy - based on the fact that Elvis records were the only western music Russians were allowed to listen to.
Rumours have it that Andrea (aka Inger Kissin, Singe Low and Sandra Lips) and Morty were an item, having met in Jamaica. In fact Zhukup claims that Morty persuaded porn star True that she had a great voice and put together the band that recorded her biggest hit. Originally written by Gregg Oliver Diamond (those initials are very suspicious) and titled More More More, you can clearly hear True singing "Mort, Mort, Mort" in the final chorus. Despite the success of the disco hit, True continued to star in porn movies and there is some evidence that Chalfont acted as her agent. There are reports that Morty would even dress as Andrea at parties and in leotard and long blonde wig it was allegedly very difficult to tell them apart, from behind. He, supposedly in jest, even claimed to be her body double. In an interview at the time Mortimer said he was "having trouble making ends meet" but when one views the films, that certainly doesn't seem to be the case!

Amazing but rather disturbing news folks. I was contacted by an Inspector Gumby of the Metropolitan Police a few days ago and asked to let him have the Mortimer Chalfont files compiled by our good selves over the years. Apparently there is now an official missing persons investigation - it is being treated as a "cold case". The Inspector told me they have already interviewed Chalfont's landlady, Mrs Myra Huntley, who has simultaneously reported him missing and sued him for overdue rent. Huntley recalled that on the evening he was last seen, she heard noises, in the converted attic flat where Morty lived, she described as grating, cutting and beating sounds followed shortly afterwards by low moans and the lavatory being flushed repeatedly. Suspecting that perhaps Chalfont had been bludgeoned to death, dragged across the floor and dismembered, then his parts disposed of down the toilet, they examined the flat. Thankfully the forensic evidence there pointed to someone making a cheese and onion omelette which didn't agree with them. The case continues and I will keep you informed.

I hope he’s all right. I did see a photograph in the papers of men in white coveralls outside a London residence, but assumed they were installing loft installation, and didn’t give it a second thought.

nocheese wrote: "I hope he’s all right. I did see a photograph in the papers of men in white coveralls outside a London residence, but assumed they were installing loft installation, and didn’t give it a second tho..."

Maybe they were just being COVID-compliant. Did they have black and yellow crime scene tape?

According to Mrs Huntley she was later woken in the middle of the night by the sound of heavy rumbling, several bangs like a large vehicle backfiring and the noise of skidding rubber. At the time she assumed it was just her husband Cedric in the lower bunk, but now admits it may have been a getaway vehicle. By this time in his career, Chalfont had down-scaled his touring bus to a Robin Reliant Estate, and although this vehicle has not shown up it is unlikely to have been the source of the noises Myra heard.

I didn't notice any crime scene tape, so the picture I saw must have been somewhere different (I've seen enough Line of Duty to know how it works), and quite possibly just some workers guarding against the unbearable itchiness of loft insulation. Coincidentally, The Unbearable Itchiness of Loft Insulation is one of the elusive 'lost' Mortimer Chalfont tracks.

Myra's testimony is getting more sinister - has Morty been kidnapped?

Slipped my mind to recall an interesting Morty-spot a few weeks back on Antiques Road Trip, when expert James Braxton picked out a vintage 60's vinyl by Pete Nobody and Herman's Helmets. Lo and behold on the front cover, a photo of Morty with long hair playing guitar with the band. One forgets that Morty was not always a front man but in the early a session player. Herman's Helmets were so called because of their hairstyles - which were thought to resemble the shape of German WWII Military headgear. The distinctive dark locks with low fringe at the front, coming down over the ears at the side and sitting on their collars at the back were unlike the popular slicked-back Elvis style. Pete Nobody accused the Beatles of copying them, threatened legal action and went into retirement. However he later dyed his hair blonde and relaunched the band as Peter No-one and Herman's Hermits, with reasonable success. By that time "Mo Chalfont" had left the band. It is likely that even then his coiffure was either a hairpiece or, as some claimed, a real Nazi helmet.