Amazon exiles discussion

An entertaining diversion, Huck, but I'm worried about Chalfont. Myra Huntley is a name with more than one sinister connotation, it speaks of a marriage made not in heaven ,but somewhere else. What do we know of her?

I could be wrong, but wasn't Myra the drummer in Morty's first backing group? It didn't end well.

Lez wrote: "I could be wrong, but wasn't Myra the drummer in Huck's first backing group? It didn't end well."

Perhaps you have mistaken her for Mervyn Hartley. "Merv the Perv" beat the skins for Morty in the early days. I will try to get more info from the inspector if he's in contact again. It appears however that a search of his flat found no musical equipment and either Myra is holding it in lieu of payment of rent, or Morty has pawned it. I will suggest to DI Gumby that he follows up on that and perhaps enquires if any life insurance policy was taken out on Chalfont before (or after) he disappeared. The mystery deepens!

Some of you may know that before Mortimer "SloMo" Chalfont achieved mega-stardom in his own right he was in much demand as a session guitar player in the post-skiffle era of early 60's. A pioneer of early guitar effects he experimented with the first steam and valve-powered delay and reverb pedals to produce a distinctive laid back sound that later inspired artists like JJ Cale and Eric Clapton. As usual Morty pushed these boundaries to extremes and developed a maximum delay effect that meant he was playing almost 3 minutes behind the rest of the band which meant during performances he often had to synchronise by playing one song ahead of them and only multi-tracking desks made recording possible at all. This may be the reason why some critics claimed he was ahead of his time.

Anyone watching Pointless yesterday evening, BBC1, may have spotted this. The topic was "Music stars who have duetted with Tom Jones" and it featured a board with 12 photos. I recognised most of the stars except one although his face was vaguely familiar:
Stevie Wonder, Donny Osmond, Isaac Hayes, Stereophonics, Ella Fitzgerald, Glen Campbell, Kenny Rogers, Charles Aznavour, Smokey Robinson, Buddy Greco, Janis Joplin and an unknown man.
5 of the contestants picked correctly - Stevie Wonder 78%, Kenny Rogers 61%, Donny Osmond 67%, Stereophonics 24% and Janis Joplin 15%, while another mistook Smokey Robinson for Sam Smith. Richard Osman then announced that there were 2 pointless answers - Buddy Greco and Mortimer Chalfont! When I looked at the picture again i could see the likeness although it wasn't a good photo and his face was slightly obscured by the turban. Osman didn't mention which song Tom Jones and Morty performed. Anybody remember?

Could it have been 'The Green, Green Grass of Frome", a lament written by Morty after the police raid on his Somerset marijuana farm?

"give wales back to the irish" (1965)

by the time tom got the gist it was in the can - released in small numbers in ireland, and not at all in wales (or anywhere else!)

Just a heads up guys. The police were round at my place two evenings ago following up on the Chalfont missing persons case. They said I seemed to know a lot about Mortimer's movements and asked if I had an alibi for the evening of Friday 19th November 1999. (I have since been able to confirm that I was attending my weekly Life painting and Ceramic Modelling Class thanks to the meticulous records kept by secretary Rita, bless her). The detective informed me that they have now excavated in the back garden of Myra Huntley's house and unearthed some suspicious articles - including some small bones (not human), a few old Morty vinyls, a Crackerjack pencil and a signed copy of the biography of Fred & Rose West. The police have a full copy of the Mortimer Chalfont Files from Amazon and Goodreads so you might expect a visit in the next few days if you ever posted there. Too late to delete them now. Not that I suspect any of you to be harbouring guilty secrets (in that regard at least)

Thanks for the warning, Huck. In the event of a visit from the plod I shall artfully misdirect them to the possibility of dark secrets in my allotment, save me all that bother of digging it over in preparation for spring planting.

nocheese wrote: "Thanks for the warning, Huck. In the event of a visit from the plod I shall artfully misdirect them to the possibility of dark secrets in my allotment, save me all that bother of digging it over in..."

mmm - what if they actually find something incriminating ?

I shall point the finger at previous plot holders, obviously.

nocheese wrote: "I shall point the finger at previous plot holders, obviously."
is it a communist plot ?

Inasmuch as the worker is in control of the means of production (and distribution) - absolutely

Sounds like my kind of place. :-)

Hey folks, it's been a while and all quiet on the Chalfont front until i noticed an article on an online newspaper about a lady called Brenda Gummer, somewhere in Midlands, who claims her Red Cap Oranda goldfish Sparky is a reincarnation of her pop idol Mortimer Chalfont. She says it not only resembles the great man, with the trademark ginger hairstyle and shiny, flared white suit but also that it dances round the bowl when she plays any of his records.

Well, far be it from me to pour cold water, but could this be the same Brenda Gummer who hit the headlines in the Birmingham Post back in 1997?
At that time she was the owner of a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel who she claimed was the reincarnation of Sonny Bono, and that she and her pet were rehearsing for a public performance of I Got You Babe’.
Excitement reached fever pitch, until a keen junior reporter on the Post pointed out that Sonny Bono was in fact still alive.
When Sonny sadly passed the following year, Brenda attempted to renew her claim about the dog, but her credibility was in tatters.
Of course, I may be crying wolf, and Brenda may have a genuine case of reincarnation this time, or it may even be a different Brenda Gummer. But I do urge caution.

Thanks for the heads up Nocheese - i didn't want to believe it anyway because, as you mention re: Sonny Bono, that would mean that Morty is no longer with us (except in spirit) Was Sonny related to U2 's Bono ? Anyway i still miss Chalfont and play his records just as much as i ever did ! I was sad to hear that Polydor pulled out of a deal to re-release un-mastered versions of some of Morty's albums on vinyl, given the upsurge in demand for the old medium. And speaking of old mediums might it be worth seeing if we can get a qualified spiritualist to try to contact Chalfont?

It’s a tempting thought, Huck, albeit fraught with possible difficulties. There are many charlatans and mountebanks in the clairvoyant business, and come to think of it, how does a spiritualist gain a qualification? Are there schools? However, if such an ‘old medium’ -haha- could be found, and this person were able to establish contact with Morty on the ‘other side’, then at least we would know, although like you it’s not something I want to believe. Let us know if you find someone. (I say ‘us’ in the hope that other fans are still following these pages).
As to the possible familial ties between Sonny and U2 fellow, I rather doubt it, evidenced by the fact that the latter annoyingly persists in pronouncing his name as if it had two ‘ns’. He may of course be trying to distance himself, feeling that a much-married, scientologist and republican politician who couldn’t ski straight was not the sort of person with whom he wished to be associated.
But I digress. I’m glad to hear that you are still spinning the old Chalfont platters. Sadly, my collection fell foul of burglars a few months back. They stole a number of other items, including a television, some jewelry and a clock which belonged to my great-grandmother. I’m convinced that these other items were just a smokescreen and the Chalfont archive was what they were really after, however I’m having the devil of a job trying to convince the insurance company, who are quibbling about their worth. I hope you have your collection separately insured, Huck. I bitterly regret that I didn’t.
.

That's terrible Nocheese. Were any other albums stolen? My Mortimer Chalfont records are just insured under my record collection and I've never thought to have them valued in spite of their extreme rarity. I have a few on cassette tapes but mostly vinyl in dog eared covers. Which is ironic because some claimed that Morty's strangled falsetto vocals could only be detected by dogs' ears ! On the Bono question, rumours persist that Cher's cover of "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" is actually a cry from the heart for a reunion with her child fathered by Sonny but given up for adoption.
I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Poignant or what?

More Morty related news coming through - Lancashire R'n'B band The Mush Eye Peas have recorded rap versions of some of Mortimer Chalfont's songs to highlight social concerns in the region eg dog fouling, post office closures and the rising cost of tattoos. Lead singer Mort.i.mer said "the songs are more relevant now than they've ever been, man!"

I look forward to hearing their interpretation of his biggest hit ‘Something Squidgy’. I can’t help noticing that the lead singer’s name bears more than a passing resemblance to Morty’s moniker. I assume this is no coincidence, and,( be still my beating heart), I wonder if this could actually be the great master of reinvention himself?
I did have some other albums nicked, but the insurance company was happy to replace them on a ‘like for like’ basis. Obviously they drew a blank when they tried to source the Chalfont collection on Amazon. They are irreplaceable, and (almost) no amount of money could compensate for their loss, I am pursuing the matter as a point of principle.
Could Bono really be the lost child of Sonny and Cher? They didn’t marry until 1964, and back then a stigma still attached to children born out of wedlock. Bono was born in 1960. I rest my case.

Nothing for ages and then 3 come along at once! Spotted another mention for Mortimer Chalfont on tonight's "Pointless". The subject was "Musical Stars Whose Surname is an English Town or City" and they displayed a 3 x 3 photo grid for contestants to identify. I recognised most of them, but immediately recognised the well known publicity shot of Morty from about 1979 - remember the one with him smoking that ridiculous clay pipe. The stars and scores were:
Bing Crosby (67)
Michael Bolton (43)
Mick Fleetwood (36)
Kathy Kirby (31)
Thom York(sic) (24)
Judith Durham (1)
Mortimer Chalfont (2)
Julie London (0)
Alan Hull (0)
The impressive thing is that Morty scored 2 which proves that he is not totally forgotten, although Alexander Armstrong didn't recognise the photo. Rather proves the researchers on the show are getting a bit slack - Radiohead front man Thom Yorke spelling and the fact that Chalfont isn't the full name of the 3 villages in the group of "Chalfonts" - Chalfont St Giles, Chalfont St Peter and Little Chalfont. But at least we can say that Morty's life hasn't been pointless?

So did someone pick Morty, and get down to two? Could it have been someone who has contributed here?

nocheese wrote: "So did someone pick Morty, and get down to two? Could it have been someone who has contributed here?"
Nobody picked Chalfont - the top 3 and Thom Yorke all went and one of the teams got Julie London. Another said "David Essex" and I wonder if they mistook Morty for him? I didn't recognise any of the contestant's names and of course if it had been one of us Amazonians then Morty would probably have been the obvious favourite for a pointless score

Has he ever to your knowledge been a specialist subject on Mastermind?

nocheese wrote: "Has he ever to your knowledge been a specialist subject on Mastermind?"
Not to my knowledge Nocheese, although i'm not a big fan of trivia shows (Pointless perhaps being the exception). i know some subjects are regarded as too specialist, boring or controversial and will be rejected by the show, eg History of the Endowment Mortgage, Tax Returns of Donald Trump or Sexually Transmitted Diseases. I suppose at the end of the day it's entertainment and they don't want to offend or embarrass or confuse - perhaps all 3 in Morty's case. Perhaps you should apply?

Funny you should say that, Huck, because I did. Mind you, it was back in the golden age of Mastermind when it was presided over by the majestic Magnus Magnusson, and to have chosen as your specialist subject something like a tv show or a sports personality (as happens these days) would have been considered absurd. I submitted ‘The life and works of Mortimer Chalfont’ as my area of specialist knowledge, and received a rather frosty reply on BBC headed notepaper from the Head of Programming rejecting my application and suggesting I might try applying for Blankety Blank. Perhaps now that standards have, shall we say, relaxed, and Morty has become a cult figure, I should try my luck again.

nocheese wrote: "Funny you should say that, Huck, because I did. Mind you, it was back in the golden age of Mastermind when it was presided over by the majestic Magnus Magnusson, and to have chosen as your speciali..."

That's a pity, although to specify "The Life ... of Mortimer Chalfont" surely implies the past tense and that the subject's life is over? Did Morty ever appear on Blankety Blank? I'll confess i never watched it - my mother wouldn't allow that - she claimed there was a foul mouthed Irishman doing a lot of swearing. I suspect she got confused about his use of the term "blankety blank" as part of the shows rules? Strangely she adored The Golden Shot - she said it required a lot of skill to play.

Drat! Was watching an item on eBay described as a "priceless" Mortimer Chalfont video that was sitting at a bid of £7.50, waiting to pounce just before the auction ended. Sadly, fell asleep watching England playing Slovakia and when i woke up it was gone. OK, it wasn't a concert video but I suppose music related, acquired from CCTV footage from security cameras at record store "The Turntable" in Putney in 1976, where Morty was apprehended leaving the shop without paying for an album. From memory (of his biography) I recall the album was "Run With the Pack" by Bad Company and Chalfont was allegedly fooled by a sticky label on the disc stating "Featuring Paul Rodgers (FREE)". The staff explained that the LP wasn't really FREE (in either sense) and recognising Chalfont, as they sold some of his albums, he was released without charge. Morty wasn't so lucky later that year when he was caught leaving the shop with a single by John Otway and Wild Willy Barrett that he hadn't paid for. The manager explained that despite the label the record wasn't Really Free (from a cost point of view) and this time he was charged and got a 6 month suspended sentence and fine of £50. Just another of those unfortunate misunderstandings that dogged Chalfont throughout his life. I wouldn't be surprised if the video doesn't turn up on YouTube at some stage.

He was indeed the victim of many such unfortunate misunderstandings. A less charitable person than your good self might describe them as failed misdemeanours, but like you I prefer to see him as an innocent abroad, a modern-day Candide if you will.
There was the famous occasion on Celebrity Mastermind when John Humphries invited him to ‘take a seat’,. Before anyone realised what was happening Morty was out of the studio with the famous black chair, and only apprehended when struggling to manoeuvre it onto a bus. An innocent soul, apt to take everything literally, or just to take everything.

nocheese wrote: "He was indeed the victim of many such unfortunate misunderstandings. A less charitable person than your good self might describe them as failed misdemeanours, but like you I prefer to see him as an..."
Indeed Nocheese and better known perhaps for his missed opportunities than his misguided opportunism. Do you recall the music festival he played in the 80's - Donington or Reading i think - where he took his camper van. Short of choice on the catering front he was forced to mix his instant coffee with hot chocolate to make a hot drink for breakfast and the smell had other festival goers flooding to his van offering to buy a cup. When asked what it was he made up a name based on his own MOrty CHAlfont and his new invention the MOCHA sold out in minutes (sadly he only had enough for 5 cups). As luck would have it a yank called Howard Schultz witnessed the action and when he got back Stateside started up a company called Starbucks. Morty hadn't registered a trademark. The rest is history.

I understand that Morty wrote a Wiki page about caffé mocha, including the entertaining facts about the origin of the name, and citing himself as the true inventor. Money talks, however, and Howard Schultz was able to ‘persuade’ the editors to discard Morty’s claims. The Wiki page now asserts that mocha is named after a town in Yemen. As if.

nocheese wrote: "I understand that Morty wrote a Wiki page about caffé mocha, including the entertaining facts about the origin of the name, and citing himself as the true inventor. Money talks, however, and Howard..."
HA ! Everyone knows that place is spelled MOKHA but once again we see the insidious power of big business to protect itself against the small man. They own Wiki etc and will probably try to remove all traces of Chalfont's existence from the Internet. Let's not let that happen folks !

A stirring call to arms, Huck. There’s so much misinformation and fake news out there about our hero, much of it on the Mortimer Chalfont Wikipedia Page itself.
I believe that Morty wrote the original entry personally, and he may have embroidered some details of his early life to liven things up. That’s fair enough, if Bob Dylan can do it, so can Morty.
No, I’m talking about the vexatious ‘edits’ added by disaffected fans and jealous fellow musicians.
Honestly, you’d need to employ a full time fact-checker to keep up with them all.

nocheese wrote: "A stirring call to arms, Huck. There’s so much misinformation and fake news out there about our hero, much of it on the Mortimer Chalfont Wikipedia Page itself.
I believe that Morty wrote the orig..."

Thanks nocheese, i like to speak out for those whose can't (or won't) speak up for themselves and, let's face it, Chalfont's musical legacy is as relevant now as it's ever been! Interestingly the Wikipedia page was updated only a few months back by a blogger called Alf Notch - that sounds suspiciously like a made up name or anagram? And coincidentally, Morty also embroidered many of his own stage outfits including the one passed on to David Bowie for the Ziggy Stardust tour, when Chalfont had "outgrown" it.

Oh my goodness,I think you’re on to something Huck. So perhaps we should be looking askance at the likes of Flat Eric th’ Mormon, Momo ‘Ranter’ Flitch and even Mother Ram-Clifton? The latter, unlike the first two, writes quite sympathetically. What is going on here? Is Morty self-sabotaging? I know this is something of a speciality of his, but it’s not usually deliberate.
Interesting detail about the embroidered suits. I believe he also also knitted his own signature bobble hats.

nocheese wrote: "Oh my goodness,I think you’re on to something Huck. So perhaps we should be looking askance at the likes of Flat Eric th’ Mormon, Momo ‘Ranter’ Flitch and even Mother Ram-Clifton? The latter, unlik..."

How could we have missed this? Even more worrying is that a while back i got an email from some crank [email protected] threatening me if i didn't stop posting stuff about Chalfont on this forum ! Regarding the bobble hats i recall the hypnotic motion of the bobbles caused by Morty's excessive on-stage head shaking made many fans, and some band members, nauseous or experience epileptic seizures and he had to remove the bobbles. I bet these would be worth a lot of money now! Early strobing?

Looking on the positive side, if he is orchestrating all this himself, it means he’s still very much with us. Disturbingly, it also means he’s a member of Amazon Exiles, or at least knows someone who is. There are 131 members, most of whom don’t participate-perhaps he is lurking amongst them?
There might well be a market for Morty’s discarded bobbles, one can imagine many ways in which they could be repurposed. They might be too easy to replicate, however, and we could see the market flooded with fake bobbles.

nocheese wrote: "Looking on the positive side, if he is orchestrating all this himself, it means he’s still very much with us. Disturbingly, it also means he’s a member of Amazon Exiles, or at least knows someone w..."
If it is someone on the forum, the possible motive is to post inaccurate or misleading information about Chalfont, disguised as fact. Intel about Morty is hard enough to curate without their being a mole in our camp sowing wild seeds (forgive the mixed metaphor). Any ideas who it might be? Most members use pseudonyms so the clue might be there - his love of sunshine, his Sussex origins or even his allergy to coagulated dairy products?

Or his punning reference to a beloved character from classic American literature.

nocheese wrote: "Or his punning reference to a beloved character from classic American literature."

Touche nocheese. You see how quickly paranoia sets in - that's how these people work, undermining confidence from the shadows. The most likely explanation is that Morty (or whatever malign Moriarty type evil genius is behind this) is using the Dark Web to try to infiltrate us from the outside and divide and conquer. So easy when we are already a group of "exiles". Perhaps we could set a trap for him?

Hopefully I can confirm and reassure everyone on this thread that I am not Mortimer Chalfont.

I do indeed love sunshine but I have never visited Sussex or, knowingly or unknowingly, owned a Bobble Hat ;o>

I feel this is exactly what a reclusive genius powerhouse of C20th culture might claim. Also, bobble hats are underrated.

I guess this is the Social Media world we live in, the Twitter society, and you don't know what to believe on the Web. People could be simply making stuff up about Mortimer Chalfont, a lot of it is hard to verify. So we should post only what we believe to be accurate and avoid making members feel sceptical or, heaven forbid, foolish when entering the discussion. Someday the truth will out and hoaxers will be exposed!

I rarely pay much heed to the show Help My House is Haunted but while flicking thru channels a few days ago I came across an episode from October 2023 where the team visited The Swan Hotel in Norfolk. I dimly recalled that Morty recorded his album Swansongs at The Cellar Studios in Norfolk in the late 60's which included his Prog Rock version of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips". It was mentioned on the sleeve notes that, in the absence of a working reverb unit, Morty had locked himself in the ladies toilet with a microphone to achieve the echo effect on his vocal. The coincidence is spooky and the programme makers and current owners of the pub did not seem to know anything about the Chalfont connection. What do you think? https://www.higgypop.com/news/help-my...

Fascinating reading Huck, and it does look like there are too many coincidences for it to be a coincidence, if you know what I mean.
The connections to Morty seem much more robust than the rather tenuous conclusions drawn by these ghost hunters. Although to describe our hero as an ‘inhuman entity’ seems unkind, to say the least.
Like you, I’m sceptical about these haunted house programmes, and apart from anything else I don’t want to believe that Chalfont has joined the choir invisible.
I’m left with the question- can the spirit of the still living hang around in places they have previously visited, especially if the visit was in some way traumatic? Being locked in a lavatory could scar a person for life.

I share your misgivings Nocheese and prefer to think that the Ghost Hunters are just detecting a traumatic recording session and not Morty's demise. Some of the coincidences are a bit freaky - the psychics detected a "malignant energy" - the exact phrase used by Melody Maker in 1970 to describe Chalfont's live performances, while NME reported that Morty's "act unleashed something that was dormant". The ghostly sounds recorded were a man growling and a girl's scream which perfectly describes Morty's range from the rough baritone to whining falsetto that we are all familiar with. Finally, one of the psychics experiences a stone being thown at her. You will recall that, fed up of having things thrown at him by fans, Chalfont at times retaliated and frequently went on stage with a pocketful of pebbles and rocks of various sizes to use as ammunition. Morty may have locked himself in the toilet for acoustic purposes as i suggested, and you will be aware of another famous song by an anonymous songwriter who got stuck in a lavatory with 3 old ladies:
Oh, dear, what can the matter be
Three old ladies locked in the lavatory
They were there from Monday to Saturday
Nobody knew they were there
The first one’s name was Elizabeth Porter
She went in to be rid of some overdue water
And she stayed there far more than she ought to
And nobody knew she was there.
CHORUS
The second one’s name was Elizabeth Pomphrey
She went in and made herself comfy
Then she said: “Girls, I can’t get my bum free.”
And nobody knew she was there
CHORUS
The last one’s name was Elizabeth Carter
She was known as a world renowned farter
She went in and played a sonata
And nobody knew she was there