2-3-4 Challenge Book Discussions #2 discussion

Through Tracy’s interview with Aditi, we learn a lot about the Indian cultural practice of arranged marriages and what it represents for everyone involved. Did you learn anything knew? Were your views about it changed in any way?

I worked with several Indian men and women in my career. We had many discussions about their culture, so the practice of arranged marriages didn't surprise me.

One of the anesthesiologists I worked with (male) was very popular and dated a lot. He told me he would not agree to an arranged marriage. He preferred to find the woman for him. Like Aditi, one summer, when he went home, he returned with a wife. I was surprised, but he explained that he didn't want to disappoint his family and made the right decision. He seemed happy when he returned but wasn't the same fun-loving person for a few years.

I’ve had several Indian friends who, despite their early independence, ended up going the route of the arranged marriage. What I learned here was more about the full scope of the impact on the family, their position within their communities and what benefits women are provided. I know it’s not the same for everyone but in Aditi’s example, she seemed more “content” and confident with her partner, marriage and future. It made me consider another aspect of the practice.

Good point. The arranged marriage does make life easier for the family within their community.

I've worked with very few Indians. However, I worked closely with an Indian father who had a daughter that met the man she wanted to marry while she was at college before she went on to med school. He was telling me how mad his wife was and she was blaming him saying it was all his fault their daughter was so headstrong.

Personally, I found it funny since he told me he found his wife at college and they were not an arranged marriage. Granted I don't think he thought his daughter would go outside of their culture. Her husband must have some big ones because they went the years through college and then med school dating with her parents pretty much not happy with her or him. The daughter stuck to her guns that this was who she loved and who she was going to marry. Her parents finally were 'ok' with it as they didn't want to lose her. The daughter and husband have been married several years now and have a son and daughter of their own. Grandma and Grandpa are thrilled and they have huge get togethers with their son in laws family for 'American' holidays and they host the in laws for their traditional holidays. BTW - my coworkers sons did not have arranged marriages either, but they both did marry Indian girls.

I'm still on the side of I don't want an arranged marriage. I feel that would be terrifying. You would have to have a lot of trust and faith that your parents would pick well for you. I don't mean monetary wise. I mean temperament compatibility. Add to that the fact that if you marry the eldest son - you're moving in with him and his parents. I'd be screaming and running the other way for sure, lol

The idea of an arranged family for myself is my definition of hell.

But, if this is the culture you’re raised and indoctrinated in, I can see why it may have an appeal. The difference here is that it was the normal for Aditi and Kavita but one Kavita decided was unacceptable for her. That’s the impact of being raised in another country with different cultural norms.

I remember when I lived in Naples, Italy as a young girl, all of my Italian friends were going through confirmation and first communion, which were huge affairs. They actually had mini weddings, dresses and all. I was captivated by it all and announced to my parents I was converting to Catholicism (I was 9 years old). My Southern Baptist parents just stared at me.

The point is, I was drawn to a lot of the customs of the southern Italian people. If we’d stayed there until I became an adult, I’m confident I would have adopted more of their norms because there are some I still practice today.

The thing about arranged marriages for me is - they seem to do it so as not to disappoint their family too often. Or that's the reason often given. I just don't think that's a reason to marry someone for life. Having said that, I know it's a cultural thing but when someone has decided they want to live differently and choose for themselves ... but still abruptly marries to satisfy the desires of their family I just don't buy it. Family is a powerful thing, I know, but marriage is choosing a life partner. I can't fathom marrying for anything less that unending love.