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I am working on the simple blurb for book 2 in my series. I will admit that my skills with writing a blurb are very lacking. If you would be willing, please share your feedback on the following. Keep in mind that returning readers will know Jendra and Amnesia. (My main characters.)

Thank you for any assistance you're willing to offer.


Gazing into a starlit sky for the very first time, Jendra is certain she has followed Amnesia to paradise.

But dangers lurk in the darkness, and Ress Janoa is about to become a very different world than she ever imagined.

Monsters will become friends. Allies will become enemies. Lives will be forever shaken by a sinister deception.

Deception is the second immersive story in the sci-fi fairytale series Forgotten Princess.

I had to go read the blurb for Forgotten Princess to be able to judge this one better.

Seriously, you had me at the word 'alien' and now your book joined my already long list of to-read books. :P But you were asking about this blurb, not the other.

I'm afraid I won't be of much help to you because all I can say is I like it. It's concise and intriguing while not revealing much of what may have happened in the first book (except maybe that she followed Amnesia.)

I'd have to give the thumbs up.

Iffix wrote: "I am working on the simple blurb for book 2 in my series. I will admit that my skills with writing a blurb are very lacking. If you would be willing, please share your feedback on the following. Ke..."

It's quite good. The only slight change I might suggest is finding another word for "darkness". It seems to me that the words "dark" and "secret" get used in a lot of blurbs, so often I wonder if they're starting to lose impact. Otherwise, it sounds like an interesting story.

I'll be honest, there are going to be folks who would say that it is too short, but I am not one of them. I like concise blurbs that can sum up a story in a single paragraph. My only nitpick is just that, the three sentences should form a single paragraph.

Iffix wrote: "I am working on the simple blurb for book 2 in my series. I will admit that my skills with writing a blurb are very lacking. If you would be willing, please share your feedback on the following. Ke..."

I like it. It's concise, it doesn't try to over-explain, it points the reader to the story. The only thing I'd say is that saying "immersive" in "second immersive story" probably isn't necessary. For me, it hits an "off" note. Given what you have, I don't think an adjective it needed there.

Thanks all for your comments. It is nice to know I am headed in the right direction.

Okay, call me a grammar Nazi, but I have an issue with this: "a very different world than she ever imagined." The term "different than" would signal to me that the book will have grammar issues. Note that you can have one thing different FROM another, but it can't be different THAN another. I would rewrite it thus: "Ress Janoa is about to change in ways she never imagined."

Thanks for the catch!

There are many arguments about this, as some say it's correct and others insist that it's an abomination, but exactly for that reason I avoid it like the plague. No matter how it's argued, most people will think it's a grammar gaffe, and I agree.

My current update:



Gazing into a starlit sky for the very first time, Jendra is certain she has followed Amnesia to paradise. But dangers lurk in the night, and Ress Janoa is about to change in ways she ever imagined. Monsters will become friends. Allies will become enemies. Lives will be forever shaken by a sinister deception.

Deception is the second adventure in the sci-fi fairytale series Forgotten Princess.

It may be more correct to write: "Ress Janoa is about to change in ways she could not have imagined."

Nice catch Ken.

I love the changes. I agree immersive wasn't necessary. It feels fresher without it.

Philip, you're quite possibly right. Whatever the case, it should have been never rather than ever. I am not entirely certain where the n disappeared to, but I will search my bag of scrabble tiles for it.

I like the phrasing better, "never could have imagined", and will adjust accordingly.

Ken wrote: "Okay, call me a grammar Nazi, but I have an issue with this: "a very different world than she ever imagined." The term "different than" would signal to me that the book will have grammar issues. ..."

According to this: http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/...

"Different than" is more of an American usage, but according to the link above (the three expressions in question being "different from" "different than" and "different to")...

[QUOTE]"Some people criticize different than as incorrect but there’s no real justification for this view. There’s little difference in sense between the three expressions, and all of them are used by respected writers."

Still, I do prefer your suggested re-write of that sentence. The original was a bit clunky.

Yes, I saw that link, and that's why I mentioned the argument. Still, many readers won't go past "different than," and will move on to something else. Why handicap yourself with a controversial usage right out of the box?

I would add something else, too. Since the re-wording, it's no longer clear that Ress Janoa is a world. You might consider this one: "her world is about to change in ways she never imagined." If naming the world is important, you might say, "her world, Ress Janoa, is about to..."

My two-cents worth.

I found this site when reviewing my blurb.

Good advice:
http://romanceuniversity.org/2011/11/...

There are certainly some points to consider in that link, even if I'm not writing that kindof book. Thanks for sharing.

Here's a slight revision. I took out Ress Janoa per your request.




Gazing into a starlit sky for the very first time, Jendra is certain she has found paradise. But dangers lurk in the night, and life is about to change in ways she never could have imagined. Monsters will become friends. Allies will become enemies. Jendra’s world will forever be shaken by a sinister deception.

Deception is the second adventure in the sci-fi fairytale series Forgotten Princess.



P.S. (An aside in non-writer speak...) You folks are way too freakin' awesome! Thank you for indulging a curiosity and helping me put a nice touch on this product.

Is there anything else I'm missing?

Iffix, I think that the blurb is spoilerish. Sorry.

You are telling us that there is a couple of plot reversals in the book and exactly what they will be.

So when i read your book I am looking at your "monsters" as future friends and the allies as potential enemies.

I made this mistake, originally, with my blurb.

I would make suggestions but I haven't read your book.

Perhaps rephrasing it in terms of a question, hinting at conflict. Something like this (Please forgive my arrogance).

Gazing into a starlit sky for the very first time, Jendra is certain she has found paradise, but dangers lurk in the night that threaten to change her life in ways she never could have imagined. Are her perceived monsters real? Can she count on her allies, as her world is shaken by a sinister deception?

Thank you for your feedback, Anthony.

If you don't mind, I will go further. That link is good and the advice applies to all genres... in my opinion.

Your blurb is short. I think too short is better than too long, but you don't want to sell your book short.

You can tell me anything about the first 25% of the book without being spoilerish.

I would suggest that you expand on the paradise that jendra has found. Sell it to the reader. Selling the paradise is selling the conflict. End on the conflict.


This is just my two cents. I feel a little arrogant expressing myself like this and will shut up now. Ignore me if you think me annoying.

If I thought you annoying I wouldn't have thanked you, would I? You're very likely right on. I'm just trying to piece together what you've said in my own mind so I know where to go from there. But no, you're certainly not out of line. (I think we learn from each other.)
By the way, I don't know if you edited your comment earlier, but I may have missed the best parts. Please (for everyone else too) no major edits. Post new comments if you want to share new information. That way I can keep track of it all.

Sorry, about the edit. You responded very quickly. I thought that I had time, but I am editing on a tablet.


The blurb is very important.

The reader is on your page. The next click is reviews, buy, or back!

I understand what you're saying. The change of monsters and allies is quite spoilerish. Let me see if I can do something with it.

Inserting an excerpt here from the first book.


Gazing into a starlit sky for the very first time, Jendra is certain she has followed Amnesia into paradise. But dangers lurk in the night, and life is about to change in ways she never could have imagined. Ress Janoa may not be the paradise she was hoping for.

Deception is the second adventure in the sci-fi fairytale series Forgotten Princess.


Any better? Did it get worse?

Inserting an excerpt here from the first book.

Gazing into a starlit sky for the very first time, Jendra is certain she has followed Amnesia into paradise. But dangers lurk in the night, and life is about to change in ways she never could have imagined. Ress Janoa may not be the paradise she was hoping for.

Deception is the second adventure in the sci-fi fairytale series Forgotten Princess.


I don’t pretend to be any kind of expert on this. Just my two cents. In my opinion it is better and worse.

Better: It is not spoilerish.

Worse: You have told me less about your book, and I think everyone will agree that it was short before. You have removed the promise of misunderstood monsters and betrayal by allies in your removal of your spoilers!

I’ll try to break it down and forgive me for being purposefully critical.

Gazing into a starlit sky for the very first time, Jendra is certain she has followed Amnesia into paradise.

I am happy for Jendra, she has found ‘paradise,’ I am happy for her because I am nice person (honest): a girl has found her paradise (That’s good).

I would be more happy if I knew that she was ‘nice,’ ‘kind,’ ‘virtuous’ ’courageous’ etc. girl (i.e. deserving) you have told me nothing about her. It might even work if I have a strong negative reaction i.e. if I knew she was undeserving.

I have no idea of the ‘ paradise’ she has found, Is it a Hawaiian island with flowing milk and honey and expansive sun kissed beaches?

Is her paradise a shopping mall stocked with shoes and handbags at 75% off?

You haven’t described it much.

You have neither sold me, the character or what she stands to lose.

Well, I like starry skies, so that’s good and Jendra is a kinda cool name.


But dangers lurk in the night, and life is about to change in ways she never could have imagined. Ress Janoa may not be the paradise she was hoping for.


This IS quite interesting.

It has a little hook.

Dark threats, unexpected outcomes and paradise lost! Ooh! I might read on and click ‘reviews,’ if only I cared a bit more about the girl, or the threatened paradise.

You can also promise monsters, conflicts and alliances… the plot reversal can stay hidden.

It is short. You are trying to hook me. You have , a little.

You have many more words to play with before I think the review too long and lose interest, don’t waste the opportunity.

Anthony, we have to take in consideration that this is a sequel and people who are most likely to read it will know already about Jendra and Amnesia.

I might be wrong but I wouldn't treat a sequel the same as a first in a series.

If needed, something about the first book could be mentioned before starting the actual blurb to help situate the story, but explaining about the main character again (people should already know about her) might be seen as redundant.

Oh, and consider a "shoutline." A key quote from the book. I'm often hooked by the shoutline alone.

G.G. wrote: "Anthony, we have to take in consideration that this is a sequel and people who are most likely to read it will know already about Jendra and Amnesia.

I might be wrong but I wouldn't treat a sequel..."

Well, you are possibly right GG, for the readers that do know these characters.

I don't mean to come across as arrogant.

I am thinking that the blurb is short and informed readers will not object to a little more expansion.

As many will know, I am inexperienced in the balance between new/old readers and sequels - asking a related question myself very recently.

With due respect, Anthony, I have made it my decision, at least for a time, to go back to the positive direction the book blurb was taking before you began to post. (This is no slight to you, sir. But most of the folks here did not share your complaints.) Here is why.







These represent the sequel blurbs of my inspirations. (They are not chosen at random.) They also represent stories of a similar genre to my target.

Each is more involved than my blurb. Each gives details. Apparently, the hero has friends. Apparently, the hero also has enemies. I said as much. I also said further that heroes may seem like enemies and vice versa. But I did not identify any one of the characters as an ally or an enemy, as if to say, "Look out for this guy. He's going to be the villain." In fact, the reader knows even less about what to expect from my blurb than from any of these.

There is a mystery here, but that's not the most significant point. So I will return to and expound upon what I already had.

Anthony wrote: "I don't mean to come across as arrogant..."

Don't worry. You don't! :)

We're just discussing the blurb. And you're right about a shout line. Finding a good one isn't easy but the right one sure can catch the attention.

And I totally dig that idea. I'm not going to ignore that precious bit of advice. In fact, I might just know the one. I will post a revision soon. (Please understand, Anthony, I mean you no disrespect. In fact, it is very unfair of me to ask you all for help to create a blurb for a book you haven't read.)

If two people agree absolutely, one of them is no longer necessary.

I am terrible at blurbs, and I wish I had more to offer. I recently had my own blurb revamped with the help of some friends.

Charles wrote: "I am terrible at blurbs..."

Me too, buddy. I wish I could just write, "Read my damned book. You'll like it." on everything I write, but I have a feeling it wouldn't work.

Hmmm... maybe I should try it and see.

You do that one, and I'll try "Don't read my damned book. It's too good for you." and we'll see which one works best. :D

Picture of me on the cover with a shotgun.

I hate blurb writing and owe a debt of gratitude to some of the good folks here for helping turn my scattered thoughts into something resembling a product description

This is attempt two:

Racing to Amnesia’s aid has left Jendra stranded with her on an alien world. Yet on their first night together, as Jendra gazes into a starlit sky for the very first time, she imagines she may have found the world of her dreams.

Alas, dangers lurk in the night, and life is about to change in ways Jendra never could have imagined. As Amnesia tries to unlock the secrets of her past, she becomes caught up in a sinister deception that might just be her downfall. When the world of Jendra’s dreams is transformed into a chaotic nightmare, can the friends band together against a menace who threatens to tear them apart?

Deception is the second adventure in the sci-fi fairytale series Forgotten Princess.

(Note: This may be cliched and cheesy. Keep in mind this is an early draft, and I am willing to make any adjustments necessary.)

As far as shoutlines, I have a few ideas. These all are spoilers to some degree, however. (I want to inform anyone who may consider at some point reading this book.)

One is from the first book. A couple are from the second book. But they seem too long and clunky to narrow down. Here's what I mean.

My favorite passage in the first book was when Amnesia was being examined by the doctor. (Yes, Amnesia has amnesia.) He says:

“You could be a very different person than you were before. Having no memories, you could reinvent yourself. And you wouldn’t even know it.”

Actually, after he says that, Amnesia has this really uneasy feeling for quite some time thereafter.


In book 2, a woman is explaining the conspiracy about Amnesia this way:

"I’m afraid you’ve found yourself in the midst of a grave conspiracy. You see, she was imprisoned for crimes against the kingdom of Aerelon. She tried to usurp the throne and killed her own father, the king, in the process. She escaped, and we haven’t been able to find her yet. She’s very dangerous though. She’s been trying to secure another kingdom for herself. And from what we’ve discovered, she killed your father."

Finally, there's a passage where Jendra and her companion Leon are speaking. He says, “You know, they generally leave this sort of thing to professional Karesh scientists,” Leon said.
“Well, too bad,” Jendra replies. “They’re getting amateur gwalf superheroes today.”


Now, I'm not sure what if anything to hone in on, or if I've even picked out the right stuff.

Iffix wrote: "With due respect, Anthony, I have made it my decision, at least for a time, to go back to the positive direction the book blurb was taking before you began to post. (This is no slight to you, sir. ..."


Sorry for not being positive. I wanted to delete my post when GG said its a sequel, but I just agreed no editing LOL.

I don't get the point your making with your examples though, I have been saying I think your blurb is very short and you are saying they are all more involved.

You can give lots of detail from the start of the book and set up the conflict.


I think the shoutline should come from the book itself, think of it as you see an actor sayimg something in a trailer clip.

"Flash, I love you, but we've only 14 hours to save the universe." LOL

It is a bit spoilerish.

I claim no authority in this. Just my two cents, or my tuppence.

You could focus on something a character says that triggers the conflict.

Sorry again.

Iffix wrote: "This is attempt two:

Racing to Amnesia’s aid has left Jendra stranded with her on an alien world. Yet on their first night together, as Jendra gazes into a starlit sky for the very first time, sh..."

I like this.

I have to agree with Anthony (and Anthony stop apologizing! You did nothing wrong.). I don't see the point of your exercise. The only shout line I keep seeing in my head is the one you said yourself: Amnesia has amnesia. I have no clue if it'd work though.

I am sorry folks. I haven't been approaching Anthony's critique in the right frame of mind.

The point I was attempting to make with these examples was that each had plenty of spoilers. You can't actually write backcover copy without saying anything about the book. In fact, from what I've read, I need to say more about the book. And yes that may appear spoilerish.

In the example from Sanderson, he states that the city becomes surrounded by three armies. Approaching the book without reading that copy, (because I got the Graphic Audio version) I was stunned when it occurred to me what was actually happening. And to see it on the back cover takes away the excitement. So that is a spoiler.

In the examples from Colfer and Carman you see almost an entire synopsis of the book. (Not the first 25% but the entire arc up to the resolution.) These too have plenty of spoilers.

But if, as writers, we state something that makes the reader ask more questions than they can answer, we reel them in. I could be wrong in that, but it's what I am seeing.

Now, why did I target Anthony's post?

Until that first post, Anthony, which I consider the "devil's advocate" post (and from where I stand that's a very good thing. Every group who works like this should have at least one DA.) most even had me convinced I was going in the right direction. (I really should have worked harder to embrace opinions to the contrary. And for that Anthony, I need to apologize, not you. So, I am sorry. Please don't give up on me.)

Whatever the case, I want to thank you all for your help. This tagline thing makes a lot of sense. I will look for it in the weeks to come, as I am performing more edits on the book.

Anthony wrote: "Iffix wrote: "This is attempt two:

Racing to Amnesia’s aid has left Jendra stranded with her on an alien world. Yet on their first night together, as Jendra gazes into a starlit sky for the very f..."

I like this.

Was all of it better? Or just the intro?

How about something simple like: Jendra's Paradise is About to be Shattered?
Granted, it's not from the book copy, but it's a hook.

G.G. wrote: "Anthony stop apologizing!" sorry GG
;)



Was all of it better? Or just the intro?


All of it. I just read it again and I really do.

Thanks for helping me fix it, Anthony! You rock!

That post was badly edited. I didn't mean to make it look like GG asked that question, but i am not going to fix it by editing and i am not sorry. :p

Anthony wrote: "That post was badly edited. I didn't mean to make it look like GG asked that question, but i am not going to fix it by editing and i am not sorry. :p"

Rofl

J.G.G.R.O.F.L.

Huh, I may never get the hang of this texting lingo.

And, since I missed your posts somehow, thanks for the encouragement from everyone who didn't make me feel like a lonely idiot who couldn't write a blurb to save his life.