Goodreads Authors/Readers discussion

In general, it looks quite good. However, I would caution you that each publisher has something different that they want in their query letter, and not all of them accept unsolicited manuscripts. You might want to visit http://www.writersmarket.com/ to get an idea of what your target publisher is seeking. (This used to be a big fat book in the reference section of the library.)

Najeev Raj wrote: "then later went onto pursue..."

Reading your example, my only advice would be to replace the word "onto" with the more appropriate (two word form) "on to."

Best of luck to you!

Right on! Glad to help.

You have the right idea when it comes to creating a sort of template, and then adjusting it per each editor's needs or requirements. It certainly saves time and reduces headaches. As far as your letter, in my opinion it's a very solid start, but as an editor I would see it, as it is now, as exactly what it is: a letter from someone newly attempting to enter the market. Not a bad thing at all. But I think it needs a little more confidence and power. The following are things I noticed:

"Fire and electricity, which once helped support life and paved the way for the progression of humanity, now summon baneful creatures spawned from darkness as dream castings."--I would make this description two sentences, say first what fire and electricity were, and then with a followup sentence describe what they've become. The long sentence leaves room for confusion and causes a need to re-read. Best to save editors time. Any small thing that is unclear can lead to a dismissal of the entire query.

"fire-razed", not two separate words. The language in your description is good, by the way.

I'd consider rewording the pitch for consideration that follows. Such as, "For your consideration, Dreamcaster is my debut, a fast-paced, 86,000 word mainstream fantasy novel set in a post apocalyptic Toronto." And then maybe add a brief statement of why the location/setting is appealing and unique. It demonstrates your awareness of the market without obviously sounding like a salesman. After all, you're into marketing, not sales, right?

The last paragraph, honestly, will not matter to most editors if they read that far. Information about yourself is important because it personalizes the correspondence, but when I worked as an editor, any submissions with that kind of information hit the trash. Not always, but usually after a few of the long-winded stories about the author's background, my team and I would change the rules of screening. It just happens when editors and publishers get overwhelmed with the same submissions. So, respectfully, I recommend trimming down the biographical information, leaving only the English studies at the university, the postgraduate certificate, On the Danforth and Novalis as standout highlights. The first two sentences can be erased. The last sentence mentioning a sequel being underway is smart and shows your commitment to your writing, so include that as well. Remember, as soon as your book is edited and you are ready to start seeking publication, you are a marketer. It took me a lot of kicking and screaming to switch off my creative brain and turn on the business thinking. So I feel your concern for getting it right. You're doing a great thing by reaching out for ideas.

Your enthusiasm is evident, and your approach is strong and thoughtful. Keep going! Best of luck. And, importantly, I hope you enjoy the process.

Warmly,
Damon Ferrell Marbut

I agree with Damon here. As an editor, you would've lost me at the biographical section - especially the part that say "I've honed my craft for the past 9 years". I recommend, esp for a newbie, not mentioning how long it took you to write the book, or how long you've been writing. The question might pop up in the editor's mind that "If it took this author 9 years to write this, will this book be a flash in the pan?"

I also suggest you provide only the relevant English studies info in your bio, to show your background with the language.

As for the book description, the second paragraph should come first, imo, just to give the editor an idea what they're about to read in the description. So start with "DREAM CASTER is...", and don't use fast-paced (or any other adjective to describe your work. Let the editor come to his/her own conclusion, and this is done through your blurb. Add something like "in a race against time" to suggest that it is fast-paced, rather than say this outright in the tag line.

And what is the Cloaked War? I would be curious, and there's no other mention in the blurb.

On the whole, the format is right and you show enthusiasm and dedication to the craft, but you can still polish this and up the stakes to make the blurb more riveting.

Hope this helps. :)

Glad if we've been of any help :)

If you need new eyes on the query redo, don't hesitate to post.

First let me say I am not personally experienced with queries, I struggle with them as well.

I would be hesitant to open saying you are seeking representation, based on this query critique I have read by an agent.

http://slushpiletales.wordpress.com/2...

I won an agent critique of my query letter earlier this year--she told me to basically introduce the first 2/3 of the story in the novel pitch part. Of course, it's hard to do when a standard query letter should be no longer than 350 words!

In your revised letter, I do have some notes:

1. You say that fire and electricity are "no more" --and I assume that means they no longer exist--but then you go on to say that they are forbidden and forgotten about, which isn't the same thing. And then you say fire and electricity DO exist and call forth these "baneful creatures." I'm confused right off the bat. That's an opportunity to streamline and make things less contradictory, I think.
2. There might be a little too much backstory here and not enough about your main character and the plot. I'm not very clear on what the stakes are--what's going to happen if Weaver doesn't master his abilities? It doesn't feel urgent enough to me, I guess, if that makes sense.

I hope that's helpful. Good luck!

Agree with Nicole - the stakes (esp in relation to the race against time) are not well shown.

Overall the structure is good. :) And yes, 'seeking representation' is if you're looking for an agent. 'for your consideration' would work for an editor.

Najeev,
You can use a query letter for either--depending on your goals. Some publishers accept direct queries from writers, although with the Big 6 (and many small presses) you have a better chance of having your manuscript noticed if it's subbed through an agent.

Coincidentally, I used the phrase "for your consideration" in my own query letter to agents, and it was just fine (it worked). I forget which agent recently said this, but the gist is that you don't hire a lit agent; you seduce them into offering representation. I don't know--I kind of think the "for your consideration" is appropriate.

So, what I'm getting from the revision is that fire and electricity are sentient beings or things that are actively fighting against humans by summoning "baneful creatures." And I'm assuming, since fire is working against the humans, the razing of Weaver's village is intentional. Is that really important for the pitch?

I'm confused about "the man who usurped our world" and broke "it asunder"--is this the same unknown man you talk about earlier who brought about the war?

The last line...denial of what? Also, I'm having trouble following the last part of that sentence.

Who is the villain in all this? The ability itself? The baneful creatures? This unknown man? It's not 100% clear.

Good luck, Najeev! The art of condensing a novel into a clear and urgent uber-short pitch is tough!

If it helps, I'm happy to PM you a copy of my agent-approved query letter. Totally different genre, but you never know what might be useful.

Najeev, the description of the book (that 1st paragraph) should read like the back cover blurb you'd expect to see on this book when it comes out. Not too much backstory, just enough mystery, clearly stating who the protagonist is, and what the Goal-Motivation-Conflict is.

I wrote a post on a blog about coming up with blurbs - you can find it here, if you want to take a look

http://tabithablake.blogspot.com/2011...

And yes, queries are for agents AND editors, depending on which you're targetting the language used (for representation OR for consideration) varies between the two. :)