Randy Siegel's Blog - Posts Tagged "self-esteem"
The Secret of Self-Worth
Few things impact our success, relationships, and overall happiness more than our sense of self-worth. In fact, I believe lack of self-worth is the root cause for almost all of our psychological and social limitations and issues.
Most of us tend to confuse self-confidence with self-worth, but the two are quite different. Self-confidence is situational; self-worth is not. Self-worth is based not on performance, but on our value and worth as a person. Most times I consider myself a self-confident person, but my sense of self-worth lags behind my self-confidence. Years of therapy have helped me uncover some of the reasons my self-worth is lacking, but these insights have done little to increase my sense of self-worth.
Not too long ago, a wise friend and I were discussing self-worth. When she asked a simple question, “Do you respect yourself?” I was quick to respond, “Yes!” “Then what’s the problem?” she asked. At the time, I thought her response was flippant; now I see its brilliance.
We base self-worth on self-esteem and self-respect. Like most, I leaned more heavily on self-esteem. Self-esteem depends on measuring ourselves against others, rather than on our inherit worth as a person. To esteem something is to hold it in high regard. As such, self-esteem depends on a successful result; self-respect doesn’t. With self-respect, we value ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do, or have or haven’t done. Put more simply, self-esteem responds to doing, while the basis of self-respect is being.
When we based most of our self-worth upon self-esteem, we are like a thermometer fluctuating to the rising and falling temperatures of our latest failures or successes. A wavering sense of self-worth not only negatively impacts social and professional success, it’s also harmful to our health. A University of Michigan study found that college students who based their self-worth on external forces such as academic performance and approval from others reported more stress, anger, academic, and relationship problems. They also experienced higher levels of alcohol and drug use and eating disorders. Conversely, those students who based their self worth on internal sources (self respect) received higher grades and were healthier and happier.
There’s power in knowing that when our self-esteem flags—as it will from time to time—it doesn’t necessarily have to impact our self-worth. We can make mistakes—even fail at times—and still keep our self-worth in tact by remembering that overall, we still respect ourselves.
Most of us tend to confuse self-confidence with self-worth, but the two are quite different. Self-confidence is situational; self-worth is not. Self-worth is based not on performance, but on our value and worth as a person. Most times I consider myself a self-confident person, but my sense of self-worth lags behind my self-confidence. Years of therapy have helped me uncover some of the reasons my self-worth is lacking, but these insights have done little to increase my sense of self-worth.
Not too long ago, a wise friend and I were discussing self-worth. When she asked a simple question, “Do you respect yourself?” I was quick to respond, “Yes!” “Then what’s the problem?” she asked. At the time, I thought her response was flippant; now I see its brilliance.
We base self-worth on self-esteem and self-respect. Like most, I leaned more heavily on self-esteem. Self-esteem depends on measuring ourselves against others, rather than on our inherit worth as a person. To esteem something is to hold it in high regard. As such, self-esteem depends on a successful result; self-respect doesn’t. With self-respect, we value ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do, or have or haven’t done. Put more simply, self-esteem responds to doing, while the basis of self-respect is being.
When we based most of our self-worth upon self-esteem, we are like a thermometer fluctuating to the rising and falling temperatures of our latest failures or successes. A wavering sense of self-worth not only negatively impacts social and professional success, it’s also harmful to our health. A University of Michigan study found that college students who based their self-worth on external forces such as academic performance and approval from others reported more stress, anger, academic, and relationship problems. They also experienced higher levels of alcohol and drug use and eating disorders. Conversely, those students who based their self worth on internal sources (self respect) received higher grades and were healthier and happier.
There’s power in knowing that when our self-esteem flags—as it will from time to time—it doesn’t necessarily have to impact our self-worth. We can make mistakes—even fail at times—and still keep our self-worth in tact by remembering that overall, we still respect ourselves.
