Randy Siegel's Blog - Posts Tagged "randy-siegel"

"There’s such a thing as unconditional expression,
That does not come from self or other.
It manifests out of nowhere,
Like mushrooms in a meadow,
Like hailstorms, like thundershowers."

Chögyam Trungpa
The Art of Calligraphy

Shoshin is a concept in Zen Buddhism that means “beginner’s mind.” Free of judgments, preconceptions, and assumptions, beginner’s mind invites us to see everything and everyone as if for the first time. Filled with curiosity, wonder—even awe—every image the eye touches is transformed into a work of art.

A while back, I attended an art exhibition at one of my favorite New York galleries that literally rocked the way I see the world. The concept was a simple one: the show consisted of everyday items, placed on black metal stands, and showcased in bright gallery lights. In a new context, a worn catcher’s mitt became a work of art. The beauty of its rich, worn leather nearly took my breath away, and the cracks of its aged surface evoked the same emotion as admiring the wise face of an elderly man whose wrinkled face reflects the roadmap of a rich life. A common garden spade encrusted with dried dirt became a precious object of beauty. My eyes followed the steep curve to its sharp point; its cool metal tip warmed by the rich black earth.

In beginner’s mind we are steeped in the present moment, and every second vibrates with possibility. For years, I’ve been studying the Alexander Technique, an educational method designed to help improve posture. Alexander has taught me a new way of standing—no, of actually being in the world—where my body is poised for whatever may occur. Instead of placing my attention forward, I am equally focused on the space to my right and left sides, above, below and behind me. Whatever the moment calls for, I am prepared to move. I am vibrating with possibility.

I often experience this feeling when I paint. With no perceived notion of what to paint, I pick up the brush and dip it into whichever color calls to me. Red? Yes, red. A red mark, now follow with green. Hours later, I stand in front of a portrait of a man I’ve never met. Perhaps this is what Chögyam Trungpa meant in the poem above about unconditional expression.

What would my life be like if I could live more of it in beginner’s mind—if I were more open, innocent, receptive, curious, attentive, and vibrating with possibility? Am I being unrealistic, only setting myself up for disappointment? My inner critic thinks so. He hisses, “Who are you kidding, Randy. That’s impossible.” Is my inner critic right? It’s true the moment something becomes familiar, my mind takes over, making assumptions, calling up memories, and creating expectations and fears that prevent me from connecting to the present moment. But while I don’t have control over many things in my life, I can control choice. When I catch my mind taking off, I can pause, take a deep breath, and choose to see whatever is in front of me with fresh eyes.

I may not do this often, but when I do reality shifts and I see the world in new ways—in perhaps the way it’s meant to be seen. Trees come alive and dance before my eyes, and I am filled with awe. I see the innocence in the eyes of a dear friend and feel my heart swell with love and compassion. Every object I see, every person I meet, and every activity I embark on becomes a new experience. Experience flows, changing second by second, as heart, mind, body and breath converge with the present moment. Life force freely flows through me. I am totally alive.

Another tragedy. The nation’s largest mass murder hits the airwaves with non-stop coverage, and the finger pointing begins:

It’s about guns!

No, terrorism. It’s ISIS.

Mental illness—that’s the root cause.

Politics! Look who we’re putting in office. What do you expect?

Hate! It’s about hate.

The list goes on.

And the body count mounts. Innocents die, and America—no, the entire world—is a house divided.

We are disillusioned. We are angry. And we are scared. If we can find the answer, then we can fix it.

Like everyone one else I search for answers. I ask, “What is the root cause?” And why now? America is a different place than the one I knew in my childhood.

It seems to me that it comes down to worth; it always comes down to worth—self worth. Fanaticism, extremism, terrorism—of any kind—feeds off our innate need to belong to something bigger than ourselves and to know that our lives matter.

Gradually we learn about the mass murderers’ lives. In every case, these men and women felt marginalized. They did not feel seen, heard, or understood. The promise of recognition, affirming their worth, and rewards far greater than they are experiencing on this plane was too seductive. Seductive enough to sacrifice their own life. And take the lives of many.

So what is the solution? Oh, if it were that easy. Force won’t do it. Neither will gun control (although, I believe in it). More money to treat mental illness? Again, a good thing to do, but it won’t eliminate the killing.

Our only chance is to change our attitude. We can change the way we interact with the world—and all the people in it. We may not love everyone—but we can respect them. We can agree to disagree, even when their strongly held beliefs are different than ours.

Am I being unrealistic? Too optimistic? Too much like Pollyanna? Perhaps. But what other choice do we have? It’s time for us to stop circling the wagons and open the circle—to recognize that our citizenry to the world trumps our citizenry to one country.

No longer can I sit here and say, “This is too big. There’s nothing I can do.” I can change my attitude toward my neighbor. I can see him and her as my brother and sister. I can retire judgment. I can seek understanding and compassion. I can strive to act out of love, not fear. With this person. Right now. In this moment. Praying that even the smallest of acts will help make our world a better place.

Princess Dianna exuded it; Prince Charles does not. Bill Clinton has it; Hilary has less. Jack Kennedy had it and so did Jackie. Call it life force, ju-ju, positive energy, spirit, spark, sparkle, fire, or passion; there’s an energy within us that when allowed to freely run through us makes us charismatic.

Some believe all of us have natural charisma, but we dampen it when we are afraid of being hurt. Being that open feels too vulnerable and scary. Here are six barriers to charisma. See if you recognize any.

One: We fail to put our focus and attention on the other person. Charismatic people have the ability to communicate with a person as if he or she was the only one in the room. Someone asked Queen Victoria once whether she preferred the company of Benjamin Disraeli or William Gladstone. She answered that when she dined with Gladstone she felt he was the most interesting man in England, but when she ate with Disraeli she felt she was the most interesting person in the world. Like Disraeli, we can put our egos aside and focus on the other person.

Two: We try to control others’ behaviors instead of our reaction to their behavior. When I try to control someone else, I cut off the flow. But when I focus on my reaction to their behavior, I remain more open because I can manage my reaction far easier than control what someone does or doesn’t do.

Three: We assume. Too often, we assume we know what others are thinking or how they may behave. It’s best to put assumptions aside and view every person and every situation with fresh eyes. Be curious, ask, and give charisma the space it needs to flow.

Four: We fail to see that bad behavior is often nothing more than a cry for love. Once we understand this, compassion comes. I’ve been a mentor to several boys in foster care. I’ve learned that the closer they get to finding a “forever home,” a family who wishes to adopt them, the more they act out. These boys are testing their new family to ensure they won’t abandon them if things get tough.

Five: We hold grudges. Few things block the flow of energy more than holding a grudge. Even if we can’t forgive another in the moment, we can set the intention that in the future we’ll forgive and release the resentment.

Six: We fail to give people the benefit of the doubt and look for their best. All of us are intuitive; we know if someone likes and respects us. Charismatic people help us to feel good about ourselves. F. Scott Fitzgerald is reported to have once said that the greatest gift you can give anyone is to see him or her exactly as he (or she) wishes to be seen.

Removing these barriers may not make you a charismatic person, but it’s an important start. I am learning that charisma is caused not so much by what we do, or don’t do, as much as our intentions. When we’re able to relax our defenses and place other’s interests first we invite charisma into our lives.

“I bet you’re excited about your art opening and book launch this week!” My friend emailed. She continued, “I’m sick I can’t be there. Know I will be with you in spirit.” My friend was one of the close to one hundred RSVPs “No” I had received in the past two weeks. Folks were traveling, and there were a number of competing events in Asheville. And despite 25 years of public relations experience, I had only been able to generate one tiny article, and that was three weeks ago. Was the Universe sending me a message?

On Tuesday, Don and I hung the show; it looked great, but as Thursday night closed in, my anxiety rose. What if only a few people showed up? I didn’t want to embarrass myself, and I didn’t want to disappoint my friends who were kind enough to offer the exhibition space.

I confided my insecurity with a group of dear friends. “Of course, you’re nervous, Randy,” they emphasized. “You’re sharing some pretty vulnerable stuff—not only in your art, but in your writing.” Another wise friend reminded me that the number of people who showed up for the opening wasn’t the only measure of success. I was attached to a specific outcome. For heaven’s sakes, it was an opening. Perhaps I needed to be a little more open.

I have been recently writing about the Buddhist notion of non-attachment, and now I had an opportunity to practice it. Paring the words with my breath, I silently repeated the prayer: “Into Your hands.”

Thursday morning, at my YMCA spinning class, I continued repeating my mantra. When the song “Tonight is going to be a good night” came on, I laughed knowing my prayer had been answered. It was going to be a good night—no, a great night—no matter who did—or didn’t—show up.

Don and I arrived a half hour early to set up the bar to find two beautiful floral arrangements sent by out-of-town friends. Fifteen minutes later, two friends walked in with two more arrangements composed of glorious flowers from their garden. As the guests started to trickle in, I was able to spend a little quality time with each. Unlike past openings, I was more relaxed and present. Before I knew it, a small crowd had gathered: old friends, new friends, and a number of people I had never met.

I had arranged for each guest to receive a “You are divine” sticker with the book’s logo. Standing in the middle of the room, I saw not only the stickers, but more importantly each divine soul wearing one. My heart swelled. Gratitude replaced anxiety, and love overcame fear.

Few things impact our success, relationships, and overall happiness more than our sense of self-worth. In fact, I believe lack of self-worth is the root cause for almost all of our psychological and social limitations and issues.

Most of us tend to confuse self-confidence with self-worth, but the two are quite different. Self-confidence is situational; self-worth is not. Self-worth is based not on performance, but on our value and worth as a person. Most times I consider myself a self-confident person, but my sense of self-worth lags behind my self-confidence. Years of therapy have helped me uncover some of the reasons my self-worth is lacking, but these insights have done little to increase my sense of self-worth.

Not too long ago, a wise friend and I were discussing self-worth. When she asked a simple question, “Do you respect yourself?” I was quick to respond, “Yes!” “Then what’s the problem?” she asked. At the time, I thought her response was flippant; now I see its brilliance.

We base self-worth on self-esteem and self-respect. Like most, I leaned more heavily on self-esteem. Self-esteem depends on measuring ourselves against others, rather than on our inherit worth as a person. To esteem something is to hold it in high regard. As such, self-esteem depends on a successful result; self-respect doesn’t. With self-respect, we value ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do, or have or haven’t done. Put more simply, self-esteem responds to doing, while the basis of self-respect is being.

When we based most of our self-worth upon self-esteem, we are like a thermometer fluctuating to the rising and falling temperatures of our latest failures or successes. A wavering sense of self-worth not only negatively impacts social and professional success, it’s also harmful to our health. A University of Michigan study found that college students who based their self-worth on external forces such as academic performance and approval from others reported more stress, anger, academic, and relationship problems. They also experienced higher levels of alcohol and drug use and eating disorders. Conversely, those students who based their self worth on internal sources (self respect) received higher grades and were healthier and happier.

There’s power in knowing that when our self-esteem flags—as it will from time to time—it doesn’t necessarily have to impact our self-worth. We can make mistakes—even fail at times—and still keep our self-worth in tact by remembering that overall, we still respect ourselves.

Like many of us, Randy Siegel felt paralyzed. He wanted to make a positive difference, but the world’s multiple ecological, economic, health, racial, spiritual, and social concerns felt too overwhelming. In his latest book Change Begins Here: Adopt the Mind of Christ and Build a Better World, Siegel turns to a number of faith traditions to conclude that as spiritual people we must awaken to the realization that change begins here—right now—with us. By adopting the mind of Christ, or Unity Consciousness, we can become the change we want to see in the world.

In his down-to-earth style, Randy Siegel shares how heaven is attainable when we adopt the mind of Christ. Not just for saints, sages, and shamans, Christ or unity consciousness is something all of us can employ regardless of our faith. Siegel explains how with three practical spiritual strategies supported by insights, practices, and exercises. The three strategies are:

One: Lean into The Longing: We are creatures who long, and the source of all longing is union, reunion, and communion with the Divine. When we lean into longing, nothing becomes more important than strengthening our relationship with God.

Two: Awaken to Our Presence: By being present to the moment, finding God in silence and stillness, and seeing divinity in all people, places, things, and situations, we strengthen our relationship with God and increase our capacity to receive and give love.

Three: Choose Love: We follow what Jesus called the greatest commandments—to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind and to love our neighbors as ourselves.
Change Begins Here: Adopt the Mind of Christ and Build a Better World is available on Amazon, and readers are invited to join the community Facebook page, Change Begins Here: Change Your Consciousness; Change The World.

Randy Siegel has written five books, including the Amazon best seller In Search of The One: How to Attract the Relationship You’ve Longed For. For more than thirty years, Siegel has been inspiring thousands of men and women worldwide to “stand in their power and become the full expression of all they are” through art, workshops, and writing. For more information on Randy Siegel’s work, visit LinkToRandy.com.

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