Tina Hallis's Blog, page 5

We’d been planning this camping trip for a year, and I couldn’t wait to spend some quality time with my dear friend, Cheri Neal! I was bringing our popup camper so we could camp in style and hopefully stay a little warmer than a tent. We had spent Friday morning hiking 7 miles and were looking forward to getting to our campsite and cooking some dinner.

I was proud of myself for backing the camper into place without too much trouble. As I prepared to unhook and start the setup, I was hit by a horrible realization – I had forgotten to bring the keys for the camper!! Oh no!! When I left that morning, I knew I was forgetting something.

It was a 2-hour drive back to my house. So I called my husband. He offered to come to the rescue and meet us halfway! Cheri said she would drive and that the important thing was for us to spend time together. She wasn’t upset, although I felt embarrassed and frustrated.

I could have continued to beat myself up, but the positive attitude of my friend helped me realize that this was rich material. I also remembered my tip from a couple of weeks ago – What if You Believed that Things Happen as They’re Supposed to?  I was able to quickly recover my joy of spending time with my wonderful friend.

Life is constantly giving me opportunities to practice what I preach. And my experience totally aligned with a discussion I had with Cheri about the human operating system. We have an experience. How we think about that experience creates an inner state. That inner state influences how we respond to that experience.

Another way to think about it is –

In Every Set of Circumstances, We Get to Create Our Experience.

Think of a recent experience where you could have created a better experience by changing how you thought about it.

A short but sweet tip this week.

I was listening to Raj Jana’s podcast where he interviewed Karlee Fain about boundaries (episode 138). It was fabulous!!

At the beginning, they talked about the difference between being selfless and selfish and how to find the proper balance in the middle where we can be self-full.

Self-full means we take care of ourselves, our body, mind, and spirit, so that we have the capacity to give to others. But if we give away too much, we are no longer self-full, and we feel it.

Where are you on the spectrum right now? Many of us tend to be too selfless and don’t take time for ourselves because it feels too selfish. But our body, mind, and spirit can only take so much neglect before things break down. The result might be too much stress and frustration that harm our relationships, our peace of mind, and our overall wellbeing. It might show up as serious health issues as our body cries for help.

What do you need to say “no” to?

What do you need to let go of?

What do you need to forgive yourself for?

What do you need to stop doing?

 

It was a beautiful morning, so I was excited to be headed to yoga in the park, the only day that week that the studio offered yoga outside. But before I left, I needed to clean our camper for the next set of renters. We were really enjoying offering our popup camper to families through the Outdoorsy website.

As I was putting on the finishing touches, the lights in the camper went out. What?! I thought my husband had done something, but no, they just went out. That meant quickly doing some electrical troubleshooting before the renters arrived. That also meant no yoga in the park.

Years ago a situation like this would have made  me resentful and put me in a bad mood. I was definitely disappointed, but I remembered my new adage, it’s easier to believe that things turn out for the best. Maybe there was a reason I wasn’t supposed to go to yoga that day. I may never know for sure or know why, but maybe it was better this way.

This may sound silly or preposterous, but taking this approach brings me so much peace of mind and much less stress resisting what is.

I have experimented with this idea for several years now. If I forgot something at home and had to turn around, instead of feeling upset, I would shrug and think, that maybe by turning around I was avoiding an accident or some other incident. No stress.

If I had plans to meet up with a friend, but something came up and they had to cancel, I would tell myself that it was for the best.

Sometimes this approach is easier than others. If it’s something I’m really looking forward to, it can take me a while longer to shift. But the more I can shift, the easier life gets.

Just to be clear, I’m talking about things we can’t control. I’m not saying we shouldn’t stand up for injustices or push back when it’s appropriate. But so often our plans are interrupted and we can adapt or we can resist.

This week, look for little things in your day that go “wrong.” Experiment with telling yourself a different story. Maybe it’s better this way.

Here was a teacher and a former dean at a local highschool sharing his struggles with depression and anxiety with a bunch of teenagers. And the kids absolutely loved it! He was an adult that could understand what it was like to question your self-worth and your feelings. He didn’t pretend to be perfect or to have all the answers. And that gave him credibility; it built trust, and it built connection.

I was honored to be part of a winter wellness event for teens a couple of years ago. We learned about mental health resources, did some fun art projects, and enjoyed a great yoga class. But the kids really connected with the teacher who could be vulnerable and talk about his personal challenges.

Isn’t it funny that we relate more to people who share their imperfections, yet we try so hard to make it appear that we have it all together?? It feels like a bizarre catch-22. We feel the need to appear “perfect,” but that can actually distance people. And it makes us feel alone and isolated, like we’re the only one who struggles with the voice in our heads.

I was surprised to learn that even successful people feel insecure. In the book Positive Intelligence, Shirzad Chamine did an anonymous survey of 100 CEOs that were attending a leadership development retreat. He asked them to share something about themselves that they had never shared before because they were afraid of losing credibility and respect. He read them out loud; confessions of feeling inadequate, undeserving, flawed, and incompetent. After a stunned silence, the CEOs said they felt relieved that their “inner torment was commonly shared.”

The lesson I’ve learned and the point I want to emphasize is that no one is perfect.

“There’s no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.” ? Ziad K. Abdelnour,

If you find yourself having these feelings, remind yourself that it’s part of being human, and you are not alone.

What do you use to inspire peace, happiness, purpose, and well-being in your life?

Here are just a few of my favorites!

What music do you listen to?

Be the Change by Donna De Lory, anything be Eva Cassidy or Jason Mraz, and so many more!

What books do you read?

The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor, Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine, The Shift by Wayne Dyer

What emails do you read?

From David Romanelli, Abraham-Hicks, Melli O-Brien, Jason Kotecki

What people do you talk to or spend time with?

I’m grateful to have so many friends and family that lift me up!

What activities do you do?

Go for a bike ride, go for a walk, pet my cats and dog, garden, watch my chickens, dance, yoga

What moments do you take to just “be?”

When I’m sitting on my deck or porch, riding my bicycle, meditating, PQ reps, praying, during yoga

There are so many things we can’t control in the world, but we can purposely add more of the things that bring us joy and fill us with gratitude. Make your own list. Which ones are you going to make sure you choose to enjoy this week?

Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair; It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. – English Proverb

I have to constantly remind myself of this deeply wise proverb. I worry about my daughter as she starts her senior year of high school and starts her applications to colleges. Is she ready to leave home? I worry about finances and my investments. Is a recession in the near future? I worry about the health of my family. Should I be doing more to help them eat better and exercise more?

I know it’s normal to worry. But if I get stuck in these negative thoughts and emotions, it comes at a cost – a cost to my well-being, my quality of life, and my ability to be a good parent and partner.

I know the solution is NOT about ignoring these problems or avoiding the feelings they bring. That’s not helpful or healthy either. I’ve learned that our frustration and stress can be great motivators for us to take action to make things better, to fix problems, and to right wrongs. The trick is to recognize when we can channel this negative energy into making a difference vs. when we’re simply wasting our energy and our life on things we can’t control.

Instead, my goal is to find a better, healthier, more enjoyable balance. It’s about using my negative emotions, getting the information they’re trying to tell me, and then moving on without getting stuck.

Here is a process that I find helpful.

Tune in and notice my thoughts and emotionsWrite them down and get clear on what they areDecide what is in my control and what isn’tRecognize and let go of those things I can’t controlConsider how to channel negative emotions into productive action

Sometimes it’s valuable to recruit the help of a friend or family member. I was recently sharing a situation that was making me worried with my daughter. Her thoughts and perspective made it easier to work through theses steps.

Try tuning in and experimenting with the bulleted points above to help you achieve a better balance of your emotional energy for a higher quality of life. Don’t waste your days stuck in a rocking chair!

At the end of a rough day, do you ever vent or complain?  Maybe you had to deal with a difficult customer, or there was a frustrating meeting, or you just had too much to do. It’s normal for us to remember and share all the bad things that happened to us. It’s part of our survival instinct to replay and dwell on problems and stresses in our lives.

The great news is that we can make it easier to shift our thinking and to have more enjoyable days by also remembering the good things that happened. This is not natural for us and takes some effort, especially at first. That’s because our brains are designed to ignore all of the positive stuff; we don’t need to notice the good stuff because it’s not a threat and doesn’t require us to take action to protect our survival. In fact, our brains would call anything positive “Boring! Who cares?”

For example, how often do you appreciate the green lights when you’re in a hurry?  How often do you notice the easy customers compared to the difficult ones? How often do you thank your helpful co-worker compared to complaining about the one who never seems to get their part of the project done?

Remember, this is normal! But the good news is we can train our brains to get better at also noticing the good.

I’m part of a team that starts it’s meetings by having everyone share a high and a low. It adds a few minutes to the meeting, but it’s a great way to get to know each other, and it gets our minds looking for the good, not just the bad. Give it a try this week. You can use the high/low activity with your workgroup, friends, or family.

It’s a Monday morning, so I have to wake up extra early because I have to help my daughter get ready for school.  I have to pack her a lunch and a snack for school.  Then I have to do some laundry – the clothes are piling up!

Next on my list, I have to work on an article for my business, and then I have to start prepping for a talk I have in a few days.  There are some emails and calls I have to return.  Phew!  So much I have to do!

Reading this makes me feel overwhelmed and exhausted!

Going from “have to” to “get to”

Watch what happens when I make a simple switch from the word “have” to the word “get.”

It’s a Monday morning so I get to wake up extra early because I get to help my daughter get ready for school.  I get to pack her a lunch and a snack for school.  Then I get to do some laundry – the clothes are piling up!  Next on my list, I get to work on an article for my business, and then I get to start prepping for a talk I have in a few days.  There are some emails and calls I get to return.  Phew!  So much I get to do!

This version leaves me feeling grateful and upbeat.  It helps me realize how fortunate I am to be able to do all these things, and it helps me appreciate all the good things in my life – my daughter, my business, my health, even my clothes, washing machine, and computer.

Give it a try.  Write down all the things you have to do.  Then switch out the words so it says all the things you get to do. Notice a difference?  If you need an even bigger shift, imagine something in your life has happened so that you need to switch “get” to “don’t get” to do. I don’t get to pack my daughter her lunch. I don’t get to do my laundry.

I would like to thank my dear friend Jen Wilson of New Leaf Coaching for sharing this powerful insight with me.

What do you see in the picture? Is it a bird? Or do you see a rabbit?

Our brains are always looking for patterns. We take some information, do a quick analysis, make some assumptions and jump to a conclusion. But what if you’re discussing a project with a colleague at work, you both look at the same data and information, and they see a “bird,” but you see a “rabbit?”

Or what if you’re going on an outing with your partner and they have a very different interpretation of the plans you two made? You thought you had agreed on going on a picnic, but they thought it was a hike with a stop for ice cream.

We think we see (and hear) things as they really are, but the truth is that we are always interpreting the world around us. AND we often interpret it differently than other people because we all have our own unique perspective.

The trouble with these differences is two-fold. First, we like our own perspective. It makes sense to us; we’re comfortable with it; it feels safe. Second, when our perspective feels threatened, it triggers our survival instinct. We can get defensive and go into fight or flight mode.

Your partner wants to go for ice cream when you spent an hour packing a picnic basket? Well! Just forget the whole thing, and let’s go home! Humpf!

One of the things that I’ve learned and teach in my workshops is the magic of staying calm and curious.

Take a breath, pause, and notice yourself getting defensive and frustrated. Then choose to be curious. I wonder why they thought we were going for a hike?

Just imagine how different your tone and words will be if you’re curious instead of frustrated. And then imagine how that will impact their response!! It can mean the difference between a fun and memorable afternoon or friction in your relationship. It can mean the difference between a collaborative and engaging project or stress and conflict at work.

Try staying calm and curious in some simple situations this week and see what a difference it makes.

Have you ever wished you could change topics in a conversation? Maybe someone is going on and on about their problems or the world’s problems. It could be someone who is often negative. Or maybe it’s someone who’s stuck in complaining mode because they’re having a bad day.

You might feel obligated to listen because you’re their parent, partner, friend, etc. But what about those times you need to protect your own energy and attitude? How can you also take care of yourself?

I would love to hear what’s worked for you! And here are some additional indirect and direct approaches you might consider trying.

Take a break. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to go __________.” (to the bathroom, make a call, check on xxxx.)Use flattery. “Wow! I’m impressed that you _________.” (know so much, were able to xxxx.) This might shift their perspective.“It sounds like you’ve had a tough day. I’m sorry about (their details), but could we change the topic? I just don’t have the capacity/energy to talk about this right now.”“I agree that this isn’t fair/right, but I don’t feel like we can solve this problem, and we’re just making ourselves frustrated. Can we talk about something else?”“Can we change the topic? This doesn’t feel like a healthy/helpful conversation.”

The other person might not like being asked to switch focus, but if they care about you, they should understand. It might take them a while to come around, but they will.

If they don’t care about you, then you might be less worried about their reaction. If you have a strong avoider or pleaser saboteur like me, you might find this difficult. But a little practice can make it easier. Remember that self-care is important to our happiness and wellbeing.

If it’s someone who is chronically negative, you might explain to them that you’re trying to stay more positive. You might even share your personal reasons why you think it’s important. You might suggest limiting the amount of time your conversations focus on problems, etc.

What other tips do you have for stopping negative conversations?