Tina Hallis's Blog, page 29

Imagine you’re working hard on a project; maybe your sculpting, painting, cooking, woodworking, crafting, etc. You’re busy creating something you’re excited about. You’re trying different techniques, putting in lots of time and energy. 

You’ve been working hard so you’re getting tired and decide to take a break. 

Awhile later, you come back to work on it some more, the final vision of it in your mind. But when you enter the room, you’re met with a big surprise.  There sits your wonderful creation completely done! Ta dah! It’s exactly what you wanted to make yourself! Someone, perhaps a teacher, a partner, a mentor decided to save you time and finished it for you.  At first you’re happy.  You don’t have to struggle with it any more.  But how fulfilled do you feel?  How proud are you of this piece of art?  How confident are you that you could create another one yourself?  How do you feel about yourself and your abilities?

This analogy and how it applies to our life really hit home with me. Those accomplishments and successes that we’ve struggled to achieve are what bring us fulfillment, pride, and confidence.  Those things that come too easy or are given to us without any work on our part can feel empty. 

Suddenly I had a new appreciation for the times in my life where I struggled to finish a project or achieve a goal. I think about saving enough money so we could buy our first house. I think about overcoming my fear of heights so we could reshingle the roof on our house ourselves. I think about studying for my entrance exams for graduate school after I’d been working for 5 years. I think about managing my blood sugar levels when I had gestational diabetes while I was pregnant so I could protect the health of my unborn daughter.   

Think back on your life.  What accomplishments and projects caused you to struggle?  Take some time now to be proud of the challenges you overcame. Consider a current goal you’re struggling to achieve.  How could this analogy help you appreciate the journey? 

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Tina Hallis, Ph.D. is   Chief Positivity Officer of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping people and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures. She is certified in Positive Psychology, an authorized partner for Everything DiSC®, and a Professional Member of the National Speaker’s Association

The post What if Someone Finished It for You? Appreciating Struggle in Our Achievements appeared first on The Positive Edge.

This particular Sunday morning was spectacular!  It was one of the first warm, spring mornings where I could sit outside in my PJ’s on the deck and not get chilled. There were so many birds singing, I could hardly make out the different songs.

I could smell the lilacs and see the multitude of different greens as the new leaves were starting to open on the trees.  The bright sun was lighting up our freshly mowed yard.  It felt like paradise and I sat and soaked it in. Ahhhhh!

Then I started to notice things.  Hmmmm.  We’re going to need to stain the deck again this spring.  I could see some spots where it’s wearing off.  And there’s a couple of trees that are sprouting some small branches from the base of their trunks that need trimming.  And the patio table is full of pollen.  I definitely need to get that cleaned before we eat out here.  All these to-do’s started popping into my awareness. Yuck! 

Luckily I caught myself and remembered that this tendency to focus on all the things that are “problems” is wired into our brains.  And as adults, our work experience reinforces this tendency.  Our jobs are all about fixing problems and getting things done. That’s what we get paid to do, so that’s what we notice.  We don’t get rewarded for paying attention to the things that are fine or good, so we don’t spend any time focusing on them. After all, what’s the point?

Remembering this helped me tune in and switch back to enjoying the beautiful morning. Ahhhh!

Can you remember a time when you were enjoying something, maybe a person, a situation, etc. and then you started thinking about the problems – what needed fixing or doing?  How could being aware of this tendency help you catch yourself getting sidetracked into “focusing on fixing?”

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Tina Hallis, Ph.D. is   Chief Positivity Officer of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping people and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures. She is certified in Positive Psychology, an authorized partner for Everything DiSC®, and a Professional Member of the National Speaker’s Association

The post I Was Enjoying a Beautiful Sunday Morning Until . . . Focusing on Fixing appeared first on The Positive Edge.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The day was October 1st, 1999. It was my cousin’s birthday and everyone was gathered together to celebrate and spend time together – something we used to do a lot when I was growing up. Everyone was gathered in the family room for cake and I was helping hand out slices to be sure everyone got a piece. 

After handing out the last one, I went in to grab a piece for myself. And as quickly as I grabbed it, I heard a voice, a voice that would change my life forever. “Of course you would grab the biggest piece of cake,” one of my relatives bellowed from the corner of the room, glaring at me like I had just got caught stealing. Confused, I stood still in my tracks and looked at her. And then she repeated herself, “Of course you would grab the biggest piece of cake”.

These words cut through me like the knife I had just used to cut through the cake. “Of course you would grab the biggest piece of cake.” These words imprinted on me and I was no longer the same. I was no longer a free-spirited kid blind to the societal pressures and ideals lurking around the corner. The veil had been lifted and I was now a part of a culture filled with self doubt, pain and loneliness.

I looked down at my body, confused and fearful and the first thing I remember thinking was, “Am I fat?” At the time, I was just 11 years old so I didn’t have the insight I have now to understand there were likely a multitude of reasons she said what she said. All I could see was that A must lead to B and so, the only logical answer was that I was fat. My heart sank. My head rushed with thoughts. “What do I do now?…What do others think of me?…How am I ever going to find a boyfriend?…Am I the fat friend?” The sounds of laughter and joy from the living room had all been drowned out and I remember for the first time, feeling a deep isolation and sadness that I unknowingly would carry with me for years.

From that day on, I started noticing not only my body, but how my body compared to others. I noticed the flat stomachs my friends had that I began to long for. I watched my cousins play sports without breaking a sweat whereas I could barely make it 5 minutes in my soccer game without needing a sub. I started to hate shopping because all of my friends were wearing sizes 3 and 5 whereas I was wearing sizes 7 and 9. Magazines, music videos, movies, etc were no longer forms of entertainment but became the barometer within which beauty lied and I was determined to figure out a way to fit in. This one event set off a cascade of events that led me straight into the arms of one of the most abusive partners one could have – my eating disorder, or as she so fondly became know, ED. One comment. A few seconds. That was all it took.

Now it is important to note, I am not blaming my relative for my eating disorder. Not only do I refuse to give her that much power in my life but I now understand how the feelings I had, the loneliness I felt, were not because of her comment but by what was waiting behind her comment – a society with completely messed up ideals and values. No matter what, her comment was terrible. Even now, understanding A does not mean B and being able to surround this experience with knowledge and empathy, there was nothing well-intentioned about it. The problem is, I don’t think she would even remember saying that. I doubt she has any idea how her words affected me. And I don’t think she would even understand why what she said would hurt me so much.

As I said, we have all been there. We have all had something change us in ways we couldn’t have possibly imagined – both good and bad. The problem is, once we have these experiences, we no longer have the option of life the way it was before. Better or worse, this is the life we have now and we must learn how to respond to it.

This is still something I have to work on daily. Even as a mental health professional, helping clients every day break away from the chains of their past, I still oftentimes find myself shackled. Like the screams of a dying animal, I still hear these words loudly and clearly – often played on replay as they have become one of ED’s favorite songs, playing it in the hopes of luring me back into her arms.  This is why I fight. This is why I keep pushing into every inch of my discomfort to be bold and say the things no one wants to say and call out a culture we tout as superior and forward-thinking that is riddled with oppression and “otheredness”. We deserve a world where kids can be kids and grabbing the biggest piece of cake doesn’t change their lives forever but is simply a big piece of cake and a possible stomach ache later. Change can happen, but I need you to stand up too. We may not be able to protect everyone or stop every cascade but we can bring light to as many cracks and holes as possible and hold out our hand in the hopes of creating connection where it is needed most.

Want to know the weirdest thing? I never ended up eating the cake. And I don’t even think she noticed.

Kyira Hauer is an artist, speaker, community advocate, and therapist. She is the founder of Kinda Creative, LLC and the energy behind the #ReclaimBeauty project.  Visit her web site http://www.kindakreative.com to learn more.

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Tina Hallis, Ph.D. is   Chief Positivity Officer of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping people and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures. She is certified in Positive Psychology, an authorized partner for Everything DiSC®, and a Professional Member of the National Speaker’s Association

The post The Biggest Piece of Cake that Changed Her Life Forever- The Power of Words appeared first on The Positive Edge.

I’m a lousy frisbee thrower. I usually fling it off in the wrong direction so the other person doesn’t get many opportunities to actually catch it. But this new, large frisbee was working much better for me. I was playing with my daughter and actually getting it to her most of the time. I was feeling proud of myself. Maybe there was hope after all.

A little later my husband came over to watch and made a snide remark about my incompetence with a frisbee. It was an appropriate comment based on my history with frisbee throwing, but at that moment it triggered me. He hadn’t even seen how well I was throwing! I was instantly defensive and mad. I made some irritated comment back and walked away.

I admit, I’m sensitive to a number of different triggers – situations that provoke an unreasonably strong reaction. For example, I think I’m a fairly patient person, but I can get impatient when I feel like other people are wasting my time. It could be getting the runaround on the phone when I’m trying to get technical help with my website, or when someone is over-explaining something I already know. In those moments when I have a strong reaction, I sometimes show my irritation with a not-so-nice tone of voice and comment. Has this ever happened to you? 

In the past few years, I’ve learned an approach that has really helped me recover faster (and apologize more easily). Now I try to notice my reaction and then I try to get curious.  How curious that I’m having such an unreasonable reaction and feeling such strong emotions! I notice the physical effect it has; maybe a tightening in my chest or jaw. I try to put my response in perspective and ask if this is how I really want to feel and act. Sometimes I can do this before I say or do something I might regret. It takes practice but I do think I’m getting better at managing my triggers.

What situations trigger you?  Are there any upcoming situations you could practice being curious about your reaction? Imagine the scenario in your mind for some virtual practice.  

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Tina Hallis, Ph.D. is   Chief Positivity Officer of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping people and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures. She is certified in Positive Psychology, an authorized partner for Everything DiSC®, and a Professional Member of the National Speaker’s Association

The post Do You Ever Get Triggered? Curiosity Can Help appeared first on The Positive Edge.

We’ve all probably heard the adage that it’s better to give than receive. But this isn’t just a saying, there’s actual research that shows this is true for our success and wellbeing.  The “giving” I’m referring to is social support – being there for someone else emotionally, showing you care, and offering help as needed.

When we’re there for our friends, supportive of our family, and encouraging to coworkers, we are actually better off.  Research shows we’re more engaged and satisfied with our jobs and that leads to more success at work. Giving this support also has many health benefits including reducing our stress, lowering our blood pressure, and even helping us live longer.  

Some important points to note – these benefits don’t necessarily hold true for caregivers, who can end up with lower well-being and higher risk for depression. Also, researchers found that receiving was less important than giving support except when received from a spouse or sibling.  

Looking at these studies made me reflect on examples in my own life.  I greatly appreciate offers of help and encouragement from my family and friends, but I also feel really good when I get the opportunity to give to others.  It’s so fun to help my friends remember and celebrate their progress and achievements.  When someone is feeling discouraged, I find it so rewarding to help them shift to see how far they’ve come and how much they’ve learned.  It’s very fulfilling when I can share something I’ve learned to help someone else.

It reminds me of the quote by Zig Ziglar, “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.”

In what ways have you supported and encouraged others lately?  This week try experimenting with offering more social support to others and see how you feel.  What are some examples you could try? 

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/02/160211184959.htm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201602/3-specific-ways-helping-others-benefits-your-brain

https://academic.oup.com/psychsocgerontology/article/65B/3/351/640520/Is-It-Better-to-Give-or-to-Receive-Social-Support

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Tina Hallis, Ph.D. is   Chief Positivity Officer of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping people and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures. She is certified in Positive Psychology, an authorized partner for Everything DiSC®, and a Professional Member of the National Speaker’s Association

The post Is It Better to Give than Receive? The Research Says Yes appeared first on The Positive Edge.

Out of all the information that surrounds us coming in from all of our five senses, we actually only notice an extremely small percentage. According to Shawn Achor in his book, Before Happiness, the human brain receives more than 11 million bits of information per second, but can only process or “notice” about 40 bits per second.

Wow!  That’s an amazingly small percentage! How does it decide which bits to notice?

Out of the mammoth influx of sensory input, our brains have to decide what’s most important and helpful. As you may remember from my past tip, we notice what we look for, and our brains are heavily biased to notice the negative as part of our survival instinct.  Any potential danger or problems may require action on our part so it’s given the highest priority.  

In his book, Shawn also talks about how the things that our brains choose to pay attention to determine our reality, and our reality determines what we think is possible. He points out that there are many different realities to choose from with their own set of possibilities because there’s so much information to choose from.  

If we let our instincts with their strong negative bias decide what we pay attention to, our reality can start to look pretty dismal. For example, if I let my brain focus on my mistakes and failures, I may believe that I’ll fail in my future endeavors. If I pay attention to all the bad news in the media, I may start to believe that the world is a terrible place. If I notice all the things that my coworker (or partner or kid) do that bug me, I may believe that they’re always irritating and that I don’t like them, or that I don’t want to be around them. Just think about all the possibilities that these mindsets eliminate!

So why not strike a more accurate balance by training ourselves to see more of the good? Then we not only create a higher quality life, we also access possibilities that can provide more opportunities and success in our relationships, in our health, in our work, and in our lives. 

 As Henry Ford said, If you think you can or if you think you can’t, you’re right.

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Tina Hallis, Ph.D. is   Chief Positivity Officer of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping people and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures. She is certified in Positive Psychology, an authorized partner for Everything DiSC®, and a Professional Member of the National Speaker’s Association

The post Be Careful What You Notice – It Creates Your Reality and What’s Possible appeared first on The Positive Edge.

I was talking with a close friend who was sharing how she was feeling unmotivated and discouraged lately.  She wasn’t sure why, but it was really bothering her.  As we talked, she commented how she’d been working on a big project lately so she’d been spending a lot of time at home on her computer. She hadn’t been out to see her friends or go to any gatherings in a few weeks. 

I knew this was a big deal because my friend thrives on being around other people.  Could this be at least part of the cause for her gloominess?  She agreed it probably was.

A couple of days later I had another friend share how her husband needed his time in his art studio.  As a family, they decided to prioritize making sure he had time at least one day a week for his creativity outlet.  They had seen what happened when his schedule didn’t allow for studio time and it wasn’t pretty.

Just a few days after that I was chatting with another friend about the idea of knowing what fuels us and making sure we’re including enough of it in our lives.  I knew one thing that was important for her mood was getting outside.  She totally agreed and said that she knew when she was feeling down, she needed to get out for a walk or run.

Do you know what fuels you?  I’m not talking about a temporary mood booster, but something specific that you’ve found is an important contributor to your overall wellbeing.  Maybe it’s one main thing or maybe you have a few.  Try discussing possibilities with a friend or family member if you’re not sure.  In the last several years I’ve found that yoga at least once a week makes a big difference in how I feel. I also know I need my alone time to refuel.  When I start feeling unmotivated, these are a couple areas I need to look at.

Reflect on things that fuel you.  How can you make sure you prioritize these into your schedule?

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Tina Hallis, Ph.D. is   Chief Positivity Officer of The Positive Edge, a company dedicated to helping people and organizations increase their positivity to improve the quality of people’s work lives and the quality of company cultures. She is certified in Positive Psychology, an authorized partner for Everything DiSC®, and a Professional Member of the National Speaker’s Association

The post Are You Getting Enough of What Fuels You? appeared first on The Positive Edge.