Tina Hallis's Blog, page 22

When you get home from a rough day, do you ever vent or complain?  Maybe you had to deal with a difficult customer, or there was a frustrating meeting, or you just had too much to do. It’s normal for us to remember and to share all the bad things that happened to us. It’s part of our survival instinct to replay and dwell on problems and stresses in our lives.  

The great news is that we can make it easier to shift our thinking and to have more enjoyable days by also remembering the good things that happened. This is not natural for us and takes some effort, especially at first. That’s because our brains are designed to ignore all of the positive stuff; we don’t need to notice the good stuff because it’s not a threat and doesn’t require us to take action to protect our survival. In fact, our brains would call anything positive, “Boring! Who cares?”

For example, how often do you appreciate the green lights when you’re in a hurry?  How often do you notice the easy customers compared to the difficult ones? How often do you thank your helpful co-worker compared to complaining about the one who never seems to get their part of the project done?

Remember, this is normal! But the good news is we can train our brains to get better at also noticing the good. 

Try this exercise. Every evening at dinner or bedtime, think back on your day and recall three good things.  These can be simple, easy things like having that green light when you were late or the fact that your favorite socks were clean. Then either write them down or share them with a friend or family member to change your brain even faster. I’ve been doing this with my daughter almost every night when I tuck her into bed for the last five years. I want her brain to have a better balance of also paying attention to the good that is all around us.

Have you ever shaken your head in wonder at someone’s social media post? You thought they were a nice person but here they are seemingly trying to offend or insult others by their rude and hurtful comments. My husband was sharing an experience like this with me the other morning. We were noticing how it seems to be happening more than ever.

I realized that some of the psychology and neuroscience I’ve been learning has given me a whole new perspective on why this happens. 

Usually, this person is passionate about a certain topic; let’s say politics. With this passion comes strong emotions, especially when they get triggered by something in the news, a discussion with friends, or even another social media post. Now their body is flooded with cortisol. Their brain sends out signals that this is an emergency. There is no time to think or reason. It’s all about survival and the “fight or flight” response. The reasoning part of their prefrontal cortex shuts down because that takes too much time and energy in a survival situation. The brain is now fully relying upon it’s more primitive instincts. In a previous post, I called this the Cortisol Demons. 

This is not a good time to make a decision, take action, or even say anything. Yet, our survival instinct is strongly urging us that action is needed. We are in danger! And so, in our emotional state, we attack. We write how we are feeling and then we post it. We don’t see it as an insult or rudeness. Even after our emotions calm down, we see it as justified because we have a strong need to be right.

Here’s the scary part. When people act out of strong emotions instead of thoughtful reason, there is a domino effect. It’s contagious. And it can escalate. Instead of just words, it can become action. Think road rage.

But when we strengthen our emotional muscles, we can pause and notice that we are flooded with cortisol. And then we can realize we should wait to post, to speak, and to act until we can calmly evaluate the impact and choose a respectful, helpful response. 

Awareness is the first step. This week be on the lookout for other people’s emotional reactions and see if you can catch yourself before you say or do something that only feeds the Cortisol Demons. 

I was dozing in and out of sleep, looking forward to a long, weekend’s rest. Then, suddenly, I remembered the bill that had come in the mail from our accountant that day. I couldn’t believe how high it was! It was at least twice as much as what I was expecting. And, they had charged me for the time I had spent on the phone with them helping them fix a mistake they had made!! Ridiculous! I would have to call them and find a new accountant . . .

My thoughts were in a downward spiral, replaying how unfair their bill was and what I wanted to say to them. This thinking was making me stressed and upset; not conducive for getting to sleep. I knew I had to find a more relaxing thought.

Has this ever happened to you? You feel like you’ve lost control over your thoughts and they are in charge? It was like a tug-of-war as I tried to shift to a different thought.

I had to quietly laugh as I realized that this was my survival instinct in full swing. My threat response was fully triggered by this situation that felt unfair, and it was determined to keep me safe by making sure I had a plan. This instinct is super fast and requires no attention or effort on our part. Quite the contrary, overriding this threat response takes a lot of effort and concentration. So I kept trying to bring my thoughts back to things I am grateful for. Again and again and again. It took some time, but eventually, I did “win” and fell asleep.

Fast forward to my walk the next morning. I’m enjoying the sound of the birds and noticing how everything is turning green on this beautiful, sunny spring morning. WHAM! There it was again! I realized I had totally forgotten about enjoying my walk and had returned to my feeling of frustration around the bill. Too funny! I had to laugh again. As I tuned in, I thanked my survival instinct and turned my focus to my surroundings once more.

This week, see if you can notice yourself going into a downward spiral over some recent (or past) situation that made you upset. Then laugh as you thank your survival instinct and intentionally choose a better thought. Gratitude can be a great antidote.

 

We had a busy weekend planned. My sister-in-law was staying overnight on her way home from a long trip. She lives 7 hours away, so we don’t get to see her that often. My daughter had a piano festival event, and she had been practicing hard to play for the judge. Then we also were having company over for dinner. I had recently met Nancy through our networks and we totally connected. We had struggled to find a time for our families to meet and this was finally the weekend it would happen. I couldn’t wait! And it was going to be one of the first warm and sunny spring weekends. Woohoo!

Then at about 4 am on Sat morning, my 13-year-old daughter woke up and told me she didn’t feel well. It turned out that this was the beginning of a 24-hour stomach flu. She was down and out, totally miserable. There went our plans. My first priority was to take care of my daughter and try to make her comfortable.

I realized I had a decision to make. Was I going to feel upset or sad because our plans were out the window? Or was I going to accept that “it is what it is?” Or maybe there was even something good that came out of the change in plans. I felt grateful that I was home to take care of my sick daughter and that she wanted me there. It was a bonding experience, even though it wasn’t fun.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that we have a choice. We may feel we have every right to be upset, or sad, or even angry. It can be challenging to see past our initial reaction. This week, look for opportunities to remember that you can decide how you feel and respond when things don’t go the way you planned.

Do you remember when you were learning how to ride a bike? I remember a very helpful and fascinating piece of advice my dad gave me. He said I should focus on where I want my bike to go and NOT where I didn’t want it to go. He told me NOT to concentrate on the rock or stick I was trying to avoid because the bicycle will go where I look.

Really? I found that advice counter-intuitive. If I wanted to avoid hitting a big rock and getting knocked off balance, I should look somewhere else? My instinct was to stare at the obstacle so I could keep track of it.

Yet, when I tested his advice, I was amazed at his wisdom. It was true! I soon learned that the trick was to focus on the part of the path I wanted to travel; between any sticks or stones or ruts. Have you noticed this phenomenon, too?

I was reminded of this experience during a recent event where my daughter and I had the great fortune to hear Dean Graziosi, Tony Robbins, and other life-changing speakers. Dean was telling us how we need to know where we want to go in our careers and our lives. AND that we need to focus on this clear vision and how we’re going to get there. He said that most people focus on what they don’t want and all the obstacles that are preventing them from achieving their dreams.

It’s incredibly similar to the bike analogy. It seems easy to worry about things that could become obstacles, that could knock us off our bike or our path; when we should be giving our time and energy to our vision, the path that leads us to what we want in our lives. As Tony Robbins says,

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”

What “potential” obstacles are you wasting your energy on? How can you shift your focus to the path you want to travel?

Have you ever taken a wrong turn because you weren’t paying attention? Sometimes, when I get to the roundabout a few miles from my house, I’m distracted with other thoughts and forget which direction I need to go. I have to laugh at myself on those occasions I go around more than once or have to turn around because I wasn’t paying attention.

Then it hit me! Not paying attention to which direction I want to go ahead of time is a great analogy for how I can spend my day. If I don’t have a plan of what I’m going to get done, I can take a wrong turn, get distracted, and waste a lot of time. Without a clear direction that aligns with my goals and priorities, I make very little progress. Has this ever happened to you?

Make a plan

I find that if I make a list the night before, I start my day with a clearer focus, and I get more done. It takes a lot of self-discipline because there are so many projects I could work on. And then there are all the distractions with emails and other interesting headlines on the internet. Don’t forget the household distractions like laundry and cleaning and projects around the house.

I’ve realized that focus is a trait I continually need to work on improving. If I’m intentional, I pick the one or two things that are my top priorities for that day and make a list of the next actions I need to take to make progress on them. In the morning and throughout my day, I will reread my list to make sure I haven’t taken a wrong turn.

How does this relate to positivity? Studies show that having goals and moving forward on them helps us feel in control, provides purpose, and makes us happier. I know I feel a sense of satisfaction and greater self-confidence when I have a productive day. 

Give it a try. What are you going to get done tomorrow? Break it down into the next actions you need to do. Plan it out. Working towards our goals is really about paying attention to the direction we want to go and spending less time going in circles. 

This week I’m excited to bring you a guest blog from Judy Ringer, a conflict expert, author, speaker, and trainer. I love how Judy uses the martial art of Aikido as a valuable metaphor and method for managing conflict in business and leadership settings. This is an excerpt from her article, Working with Difficult People: Turn Tormentors Into Teachers. 

Kurt Vonnegut uses the phrase “wrang-wrangs” to describe great teachers who are placed in our life disguised as difficult, confrontational, disrespectful, and sometimes horrible people. “Wrang-wrangs” are placed there on purpose and can teach us important lessons, if we’re willing to listen and learn.

It’s hard to like everyone. Some colleagues are great partners; we know their style and blend easily with them. We “dance well together.” With others, we always seem to be out of step. We wonder, How can they be that way? or What makes them tick? Or worse – we don’t care; we just want to be as far away as possible.

The problem is we still have to work with these people, and our reactivity in their presence gives them a kind of power over us. However, by seeking to understand the opponent, we take the initiative. At worst, we learn something. At best, we may turn them into an ally and improve the quality of the work environment.

But how do you turn a tormentor into a teacher? Begin by asking yourself some questions about who they are and why they behave the way they do.

 Who is this person away from the workplace? See the different parts of this person – the parent, grandparent, friend, dancer, skier, singer, or loved one (of someone!). Chances are you’re only seeing the annoying part of your tormentor. Widen your perspective.

What is their positive intention? Underneath the disrespectful behavior, what do they really want? Respect? Independence? Control? Acknowledgement? Attention? You may realize that you have similar goals, though you seek them differently.

Why do you think they behave as they do? It’s useful to adopt the attitude that their actions have little (if anything) to do with you. Most people operate out of habit. Even if they don’t get the respect or attention they desire, they can’t change because they don’t know any other way. Maybe it falls to you to help them find it. Suggest ways they might achieve their aims more effectively. Be their teacher.

As you read this article, think of someone with whom your “dance” feels like a struggle. Then, instead of wishing they would change, start with yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong, at fault, or will change your opinion. It means that in order to resolve the conflict it works better to begin with what you can control – you. Remember that you’re doing this for you. You’re stuck and you want to get unstuck.

 

Judy Ringer is a conflict and communication skills trainer, black belt in Aikido, and founder of Power & Presence Training and Portsmouth Aikido. Check out her books, Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict and her soon to be released, Turn Enemies into Allies:  The Art of Peace in the Workplace.

I hear messages about how important it is to take care of myself, and I hear messages that true happiness comes when I focus on helping others. If you’re like me, maybe you find these conflicting ideas confusing. Which is it?

I was recently at the World Happiness Summit (WoHaSu) (Beyond cool!!) and had the opportunity to hear one of my favorite Positive Psychology experts, Tal Ben-Shahar, address this confusion. He talked about the importance of thinking “Yes, and . . .” Is compassion and generosity towards others important? Yes! AND compassion and generosity towards ourselves are important, too. He said we need a balance between being selfish and selfless so we can be self-ful. 

Tal pointed out research from Adam Grant’s book, Give and Take – A Revolutionary Approach to Success. Adam compares the performance of givers, takers, and matchers (I’ll give you as much as you give me).

The top-performing category was dominated by givers. The middle performers were predominantly takers and matchers. The surprising finding was that the bottom performers were also givers!! As they dug into the differences between these givers and the givers that were great performers, they found that the top performers also gave to themselves! The givers in the bottom category only gave to others so they suffered from burnout. It wasn’t sustainable.

Tal shared a quote from the Dalai Lama,

“Caring for others based only on your sacrifice doesn’t last. Caring must also feed you.”

How can we use this advice in our daily lives? So much in our lives is about balance, which requires constant adjusting based on our current situation. Each time we’re faced with a choice that means serving others or serving ourselves, we need to check in. Are we feeling overextended and stressed? Is it time for some self-care? Or are we ready and able to give to others? Will it feel like a heavy chore or a gift we want to give?

Really? Hope can help me reach my goals? This article caught my attention! I can use all the help I can get.

According to Ryan Niemiec, a licensed psychologist and education director of the VIA Institute on Character, it’s uncommon for us to have hope as one of our top 10 character strengths. Yet hope is an important part in helping us achieve our goals. Ryan points out that hope is made up of the will and the way.

“The will is our motivation and our belief we can reach a goal. The way is our ability to come up with the options to get that goal.”

This idea really resonated with me. I’ve been working on a big project for almost a year now. (I’m super excited to tell you more in the next month.) Deep down, I believe I can do it, but I struggle to stay motivated through some of the parts that go into the project. They either feel tedious and never-ending, or I’m unsure of the best way to get them done. Now I see that this is the way piece.

So if hope is more elusive than many of the other 24 character strengths, what can we do? Ryan has three suggestions:

Visualize your best future-self. He suggests looking ahead to one year from now. How can you use your most prominent strengths to help you get there? 
Identify a goal for yourself, then write down at least three things you can do to help achieve your goal. Don’t forget to write about the reasons why you can achieve it. 
Write about one good experience in your life, why it will last, and what actions you’ve taken to make it happen. Then write about a bad experience, why it will pass, and why it’s not completely your fault. Try doing this every week.

As I look back at some of my struggles with this project, I now see that point #2 above helped me find the way. One of the main things I did that helped was sharing my goal and my struggles with other people. They not only made it easier for me to find my way, but they also made it possible for me to see why I could overcome my obstacles. They offered encouragement, ideas, and sometimes their personal help so I could move forward. Asking for help can do wonders for boosting our hope!

Could you use help with one or more of your goals? Consider if you struggle with the will or the way or both. Try one or more of the suggestions above to increase your hope.

Do you hate asking for help?

Today I was thinking about two very dear friends in my life. One has a much easier time asking for help compared to the other. 

I get it. I don’t like to bother people. I don’t want people to think I’m taking advantage of our friendship. And I feel like I should just do things myself; be independent. I don’t want to be seen as incompetent or weak.

But here’s what I’ve learned from my friend who’s provided more opportunities for me to help her.

She freely offers her help so others feel more comfortable asking her for help. They know she enjoys helping others.
We’ve had some great times together when I’m “helping.”  We can have fun while getting stuff done.
I feel valued and special when she asks me for help. I feel like she trusts me and sees me as a helpful person.
I feel more comfortable asking her for help. I struggle with this, so she makes it easier for me by asking first.
I’ve been able to learn firsthand how much easier things can be when I ask for help. We can make more progress and achieve greater goals when we have help.

Studies show that helping others can boost our mood and wellbeing. But if we’re afraid to ask for help or refuse help when others offer it, we are withholding this opportunity for them. We are also limiting our own potential and the impact we can make by struggling to do it all ourselves.

The idea of asking for help applies at work, too. According to Professor Wayne Baker at the University of Michigan Ross School of Business and a faculty member of the Center for Positive Organizations, “It seems like leaders are always lamenting the lack of cooperation and collaboration in their organizations. But more often than not, the culprit isn’t their employees’ unwillingness to give others a hand — it’s the fact that most people simply don’t, or won’t, ask for help.”

Right now, take a moment to consider if there’s something you could use help with. Who could you ask? Is there someone that could use your help?