Tina Hallis's Blog, page 24

Do you ever feel like other people are happier than you? I have a dear friend who is one of the most positive and happiest people I’ve ever met. She is always upbeat, energized, and optimistic.

I generally think of myself as a fairly positive person, but I can’t begin to compare to her. When I’m feeling down or unmotivated, I can feel guilty. My friend would never struggle with these feelings. She would know just how to lift her mood, assuming she ever needed to.

And she’s not the only person who I would consider happier than me. How can I be more like them? Or should I even try?

Here are two things I’ve learned that I’ve found helpful.

We don’t always know what people are really feeling on the inside. Some individuals are skilled at acting as if they’re doing great, but if we knew the truth, we would discover that t hey struggle, too.

We all have different “set-points’ for our baseline positivity. Studieson fraternal and identical twins show that a significant portion (around 50%) of our ability to feel upbeat is due to our genetics. Wow!

The important takeaway is that we should NOT compare our level of happiness to others. Instead, we should realize we are all different. And no matter where we are starting from, we can take small steps to spend more time in positive emotions. It’s not about trying to be like someone else; it’s about working to be a little more optimistic, grateful, and enthused next week compared to today so we can enjoy a higher quality of life.

Are there people who seem happier than you? How could you use these ideas to help you stop comparing and just focus on your own journey?

When I first learned of Positive Psychology and this entire science of how we can become more positive, I remember wondering how it might impact a person’s motivation to get ahead. After all, if I’m grateful for all that I have, and I’m spending more time feeling contented and satisfied, wouldn’t that undermine my desire for wanting more in my life? Like more money? Greater achievement? Nicer things?

This was also a question I’ve been asked by a couple of audience members. During my early talks, I didn’t know how to answer. One enthusiastic person of German heritage pointed out that Germans made great contributions in the area of innovation because they weren’t satisfied with the status quo. He commented that people from his country weren’t focused on happiness but on how to make “stuff” better.

As I’ve continued to learn, teach, and apply these concepts, it’s become clear to me that wanting more in life doesn’t have to originate from a negative mindset. It’s about being both grateful for what you have and being excited about getting more, accomplishing more, and making progress.

It’s finding a balance between contentment with the current moment and enthusiasm for more in the future. 

When I feel frustrated because of something I wish I had, I try to channel that negative energy into eagerness and motivation for how I might get to where I want to be or what I want to have. I’ve found that when I can use my feelings of wanting more to increase my enthusiasm and gratitude for possibilities, it shifts my thinking so I don’t get stuck in a negative mindset. As I practice this strategy, I notice that it not only puts me in a better mood, it also helps me come up with new ideas. Studies show that when we are in a positive emotion, we actually see more information and possibilities and feel more motivated. 

Try it for yourself. How could you channel your wish for something more into motivation and enthusiasm instead of focusing on the negative feeling of not having it?

Just a quick note for this holiday season. If you’re feeling stressed, frustrated, or a little melancholy, give this simple trick a try; look for the boring, little, good things in your day, your family, your home, your life . . .

Maybe you’ve heard me mention Rick Hanson’s saying,

“Our brains are like Teflon® for the good and Velcro® for the bad.”

(Rick Hanson, Ph.D., is a psychologist, Senior Fellow of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, and New York Times best-selling author.)

Remember that our brains ignore the boring good stuff because it isn’t a threat; we don’t need to take action to keep ourselves safe. Our brains are wired to focus on dangers and problems as part of our survival instinct.

So this holiday season, take a moment now and then to notice some little things that are easy to take for granted. Here are a few I’m feeling grateful for;

My soft, warm bed
A vehicle with a heater that is comfortable to drive
Indoor plumbing (remembering stories from my grandmother about the cold outhouse)
My comfortable and warm slippers

Hmmm. There seems to be a theme of comfort and warmth to my list.

But I don’t wanna . . . clean the toilet, exercise, balance my checkbook, work on this project, etc. 

Do you have a task you’re trying to avoid? How can you overcome the hurdle of not wanting to do something? When we keep putting it off, it can hang like a dark cloud, casting a shadow on our day. I can always find something else that needs doing or a distraction that helps me delay tackling my to-do. But it’s always there, lurking in the back of my mind until I finally muster up the willpower to get it done. Here are some helpful tips I’ve learned:

Tell yourself you’ll just work on it for 5 minutes. Sometimes we just need to get started to get some momentum.
Reward yourself at different time points. Breaking it into smaller chunks makes it seem less daunting and having something to look forward to can help, too.
Tell someone else about your task and when you plan to do it. We don’t like to let people down.
Make it easier and more convenient. Make not doing it harder. Maybe it’s moving, getting rid of, or adding something so it’s easier (or more difficult) to do.
Focus on how you’ll feel once it’s done. Think of that feeling of accomplishment and pride or just relief that it’s done.
Find a way to get excited about it. How can you make it fun? Do you need to change your attitude or how about doing it with someone else? Can you add music?
Don’t spend time thinking about it. The longer you dread it, the harder it will seem.
Ask yourself why it’s important. Spending time reflecting on why it needs to be done can provide some motivation.

If you’re procrastinating about something you know you should do, pick a couple of these tips to try. You’ll feel better (and happier) once you finally get it done.

Knowing is not the same as doing. We all know this. If you know how to drive a car but don’t actually ever get behind the wheel, you won’t go anywhere. If you think about exercising but never do it, you won’t get stronger or build your endurance. 

Knowing about positive psychology, learning tips and insights, is great, but there is only a change, an improvement, when we actually use the information, apply it, and practice.

That’s why I write these tips; to give you different options to actually try and see how they work for you. Just reading them is not going to make a difference. It’s testing them out in your real, busy, hectic life where change will happen.

Maybe one of these tips will bring you a little less stress and more resilience when things go wrong. Maybe it will help you be more patient when you’re feeling frustrated. Maybe it will help you notice all the good things in your life so you can feel more gratitude. Maybe it will make your day a little bit better.

I want you to enjoy more happiness, more peace, and less stress in your life. It is possible! Just a minute here and there; just a baby step or two, can move you toward a better life. I’ve seen it in my own life, my relationships, and my work. I’ve heard about it making a difference for others.

So go, right now, spend a minute or two checking out some of my positivity tips here. Choose one and decide how you are going to use it this week. Because,

If you change nothing, nothing changes. – Joyce Brothers

I recently saw this post and loved the message so I wanted to share it with all of you. Just a clarification – doing what you love refers to your spare time, after you’ve done what has to be done (like your job). This excerpt is reprinted with permission from Scott H. Young. You can read the entire article and learn more about Scott here.

Loving the things you do is what makes for greater happiness; more than money, fame or status. But it takes courage and discipline to do what you love. 

Courage, because the shoulds and socially-acceptable activities you merely like, often are the default. The general tone of society isn’t love (or happiness), but mild irritation, so being someone who does what you love automatically makes you a little weird.

Discipline, because our society is full of addictive behavioral loops that hijack our impulses, without providing deep satisfaction. I love learning new things, painting, programming and spending time with friends. But I’m often watching only mildly interesting YouTube videos because the app on my phone becomes the perfect variable reinforcement schedule to give me just the right dose of intrigue for the lowest possible effort to keep me engaged.

If you want to do more of what you love, here’s how:

Write on a list all the things you love to do. That means you enjoy doing them, but also they give you a deeper satisfaction and meaning.
Write also a list of things you might love to do if you gave them a chance. They might be things that intrigue you, but that you haven’t mastered to a point that would make you feel good consistently while you do them.
Write out a list of the things you do regularly, that you merely like (or even dislike!).
Step-by-step, seek to eliminate those in #3 and replace them with those in lists #1 or #2. You can do this by changing your habits, putting restrictions on your phone, television or computer to limit usage, or simply by signing up more of your time for what you love so the things you merely like get pushed out.

While this may sound like a strategy for those with the luxury of lots of time, it’s actually the opposite. If your life is filled mostly with things you have to do (like your job), then it’s even more important that what little time remains is spent doing things you really love, and not wasted on the things that you merely like or feel you should do.

Scott H. Young is a writer, programmer, traveler and avid reader of interesting things. For the last ten years, he’s been experimenting to find out how to learn and think better. Learn more about Scott and his business here.

The holidays and the upcoming New Year make this a great time to reflect and be thankful for all we have. The spirit of Thanksgiving is a perfect example. Yet, it can be easy to get caught up in the busyness of the season and not take the time to really feel gratitude. We may quickly come up with a list of things we’re grateful for without noticing a connection with them.

Research shows that if we want to truly experience and enjoy the many benefits of gratitude, it needs to be heartfelt and more than just a thought. It’s funny how I can notice the difference. When I focus on a deeper connection, there is an emotional and physical shift. Studies show that this is caused by chemical changes in our body that improve our physical and emotional wellbeing. In his book, “The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time,” Dr. Alex Korb shares that gratitude acts like an antidepressant, increasing the feel-good neurotransmitters serotonin and dopamine.

How can we move beyond thinking about gratitude to feeling it? Various approaches will work differently for each of us, but here are some of my favorite strategies you can try:

Have a discussion with someone else. Share what you’re grateful for and provide background and context to the other person. Talking can help bring it to life.
Reflect on why you’re grateful for something or someone. Why is it helpful or beneficial for you or your life? Keep digging to find the true “Why.”
Consider how your life would be without this thing or person. The trick is to do this without taking it to the point that you feel sad about the possibility of losing it or them—just enough to really feel appreciation.
Create a mood or environment that makes it easier to feel the emotion of gratitude. Maybe it starts with listening to a favorite song that touches your heart or remembering a special time that helps you feel heart-centered.

Give one or two of these a try this month and reflect on the difference between just thinking vs. feeling gratitude. Things you might choose to appreciate could include a person, a place, a situation, a thing, an opportunity, or even something you’re glad you don’t have. You could find things from your current life, your past, or even things you’re looking forward to. It might just make your holiday season even more enjoyable and meaningful.

I have to be honest. This time of year can be difficult for me. And I’ve been hearing from a number of other people that the same is true for them. There are long stretches of darkness as the days keep getting shorter that leave me tired and unmotivated. Many days here in Wisconsin are cloudy and gray in November, making it even harder to feel upbeat. The weather turns cold. I need a coat and long underwear to venture outside. My hands hurt from the cold as I drive my car, waiting for the heater to warm it up – and that is while wearing winter gloves. My muscles get tight from hunching my shoulders to keep the coldness away from my neck. I could go on complaining. 

If you love this time of year, I’m very jealous! But if you’re like me and could use some extra tips for keeping a positive attitude despite the cold, gray, and dark, keep reading. Here are some of my favorites that really help. The key is that we have to be very intentional about using them and not just let ourselves enter a downward spiral focusing on the things we don’t like about winter.

Use strings of LED lights around your home to add a warm glow.
Listen to music; maybe its holiday music, oldies from long ago, or the most recent ones that energize you.
Make plans for fun outings with friends, a vacation, doing something different like taking a class or attending a new type of event.
Refresh your hobbies. Dig out those crafting items, woodworking tools, recipes, or head to an indoor gym for some hoops or squash.
Get outside. Bundle up with whatever it takes to stay warm and go for a walk and get some fresh air.
Tackle a project. Dig into an indoor project you’ve been putting off because you were too busy with outside stuff.
Remind yourself to be happy that you’re not itching from mosquito bites.
Realize you have extra time now that you’re not mowing your lawn or doing yard work.
Cuddle up in some fleece; maybe it’s fleece sheets, a jacket or a blanket that feels soft and warm.
Get a new book that is fun and entertaining to read. Maybe it even takes place somewhere warm.

My 13-year-old daughter suggested these ideas:

Buy fresh flowers for your home.
Put screensavers of warm, sunny places on your devices.
Listen to summer birds and water sounds on YouTube.
Eat lots of chocolate.

What other ideas do you have that make these days a little brighter? Make a list and purposely add these things to your day. 

I had the pleasure of speaking at a conference this past week where I shared my program on understanding and appreciating our differences for improved communication, collaboration, and connection. A very valuable insight came out of some of the discussion that I really appreciated.

We were talking about different ways coworkers could get to know each other and better understand what shapes their perspectives. A suggestion was to have potlucks and other company gatherings. One person complained that not everyone would come. One person in the room commented that she would be one of those people because she would NOT enjoy such an event. She shared that she is quiet and reserved and gets stressed around groups of people. I’m a bit of an introvert and can relate to how she feels at times.

I’ve also seen how some people who are more reserved can be labeled as stuck-up or not a team player. We may see this person as being negative because of the way we interpret their behavior. And our culture and our work environments tend to value those people who are more outgoing and assertive. As Susan Cain, the author of “Quiet” notes,

“Many people believe that introversion is about being antisocial, and that’s really a misperception. Because actually, it’s just that introverts are differently social. So they would prefer to have a glass of wine with a close friend as opposed to going to a loud party full of strangers.”

As part of my training with Everything DiSC® personal styles, I’ve learned some important insights about these differences in preferences and styles:

One personality style is not better than another, although we may tend to think ours is the best. Each one is valuable with its own strengths and challenges.
Understanding our own personality can give us insights into how others perceive us.
Knowing someone else’s personality can give us a deeper understanding of their preferences and perspective (like wanting to avoid company gatherings).
Once we know their style, we can then adapt our behavior to better connect and communicate with them, making our interactions easier (like having a one-on-one conversation with someone who’s quieter).

I believe if we could understand and appreciate other people’s personalities, we would have more peace and harmony in our relationships, our work, and even in the world.

Think of someone in your life who has different preferences than you because they have a different style. Maybe it’s that person who is more reserved or who is more outgoing than you. How might your interactions and attitude change if you were more understanding of their differences, remembering that it’s just part of their personality?

After I started my own company, I remember complaining to my husband that I was too busy and had too much to do. He so wisely remarked, “Don’t you get to set your own schedule now that you are your own boss?” His comment made me stop and reflect. He had a point. There were so many things I could work on to develop my new business, and I was trying to do them all at once. Why was I creating a life that felt more like a race?

I decided to cut back on my networking events and my schedule in general. I still made time to be with friends, and I set aside time for yoga every week. I spent more time going for walks with my husband and doing fun things with my daughter. I tried hard to create a life that didn’t feel rushed. 

In today’s society, it seems there is a worthiness, a value in being busy. Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.points out in her article titled, “Busyness: The New Status Symbol,” that “Success and status are measured by how busy you are. The busier, the better. So busy that you can’t take time off. So busy that you carry your laptop with you everywhere. So busy that you check email right before closing your eyes and right after opening them. So busy that you work right through the weekend. So busy there’s no time to call your mom let alone have lunch with her.”

It’s interesting to notice my reaction when other people tell me how busy they are and list all the things they have going on. There is a moment when I feel less important, less worthy because of my more “leisurely” lifestyle. I have to remind myself that I’m working to purposely design my life to be aligned with my values. It’s far from perfect, and I still get too busy, but it’s better.

“Know that you don’t have to be everything to be enough.” – Yvonne Tally, author of Breaking Up with Busy.

Do you often wish you were less busy? You have more choices than you realize. Find a better balance by taking a hard look at how you’re spending your time and your priorities. Reflect on the kind of life you want to have.