Tina Hallis's Blog

The first time (and only time) I went white-water rafting, I remember gripping the paddle so tightly my knuckles turned white. The rapids looked wild, the rocks menacing. (I’m the one in the pink jacket, a look of terror on my face.) My instinct was to fight—to dig in harder, steer harder, control the water. But no matter how fiercely I paddled, the river had the final say. AND, the river knew the way.

Life as a River

What if we thought of life the same way?

Sometimes it’s calm and gentle, smooth as glass. Other times, it surges forward, tossing us into rapids we didn’t ask for. There are calm pools, unexpected bends, and the occasional rock that seems to appear out of nowhere.

When we resist—when we fight against what’s happening—it can feel exhausting! Struggling doesn’t change the river’s course; it only makes the ride harder.

Flowing Instead of Fighting

But what if we could practice floating with the current? I find that things shift. Life feels easier, lighter. The current carries me forward, sometimes even to places and opportunities I never could have planned.

And when I follow my enthusiasm or curiosity (aligning with the current), taking action feels less forced or heavy. It feels natural, energizing—even joyful.

Trusting the Raft

Ready to take this idea to the next level? What if we trusted the current, we trusted that the “world is out to do me good.” It might feel like we’re navigating the river in a sturdy rubber raft. Even when the river gets rough, the raft holds us, protects us, and bounces us off the rocks. We’re still moving forward, still safe, even when the ride feels turbulent.

A Gentle Reflection

This analogy resonates with me and helps me rethink my perspective and how I can shift my thinking. If it resonates with you, consider –

Where are you fighting against the current right now?What would it feel like to relax and float instead?Can you trust that the river knows where it’s taking you?

The river is always moving. The question is—will we resist, or will we flow?

Have you ever been driving down the road on a beautiful sunny day, taking in the scenery, when suddenly—splat!—a bug smashes right into your windshield? Or maybe several bugs?

It’s gross, it’s distracting, and if you stare at it too long, everything else—the rolling hills, the blue sky, even the road ahead—starts to blur. That tiny spot (or spots) takes over your whole field of vision.

It occurred to me that life works the same way.

When we focus all our attention on that frustrating situation, that annoying habit of a coworker, or the stressful part of our day, it’s like staring at bug guts on the windshield. The more we zoom in on it, the more it blocks everything else—the supportive teammates, the opportunities in front of us, the things that are actually going well.

The truth is, the “bugs” aren’t going away. They’re part of driving … and part of life. But we do get to choose where we place our attention. We can either keep obsessing about the splatter or shift our gaze back to the bigger view—the people and moments that bring us joy, gratitude, and energy.

So next time something irritating shows up in your day, ask yourself: Am I staring at the bug, or am I looking at the road ahead?

Because when we stop giving the splatter all the power, the journey becomes a lot more beautiful—and a lot easier to navigate.

Most of us already know how increasing our positivity can boost our mood, improve our relationships, and help us navigate tough times with a bit more grace. But here’s something we don’t often talk about: positivity, when misunderstood or misused, can actually become a trap.

Have you ever caught yourself judging someone because they seem negative, dramatic, or “too much”? Maybe you think, “Why can’t they just focus on the bright side like I do?” I know I have! It can feel like we’ve somehow leveled up because we’ve trained ourselves to focus on gratitude or silver linings. But I’ve come to realize that part of real emotional growth includes more compassion for, patience with, and acceptance of others.

I’m an avoider, so I remind myself that positivity isn’t about ignoring uncomfortable feelings—ours or others’. In fact, when we use positive thinking to avoid hard emotions like sadness, anger, or fear, we’re not being stronger or wiser. We’re often just pushing down parts of ourselves that need care and attention. And those suppressed feelings? They don’t disappear. Have you noticed how they find other ways to surface—maybe as irritability, stress, physical symptoms, or burnout?

True positivity includes making room for the full human experience, even when it’s hard. It means recognizing that other people’s “negativity” might just be pain with a voice—or a need that hasn’t been met. Instead of judging, we can get curious. Instead of fixing, we can listen.

And yes, we still get to set boundaries. We can be kind and clear. Compassionate and firm. We don’t need to absorb everyone’s pain to be supportive. But I’m also reminding myself that I don’t need to put up walls just because someone’s emotions make me uncomfortable.

So the next time you feel tempted to “just stay positive,” pause. Ask yourself: Is there something here I need to feel first? Sometimes, the most positive thing we can do is to sit with what’s real—and love ourselves (and others) through it.

Joe.

Good-natured, smiles in the hallway—and yet in our team meetings, he became someone else. He challenged every idea I presented. Every. Single. Time.

He was the boss of several people on my project team who were in manufacturing. So his voice carried weight. And his interruptions? They weren’t just annoying. They made me look like I didn’t know what I was doing.

I started dreading our meetings. If I saw his name on the invite list, my shoulders would tense. I’d rehearse what I would say, triple-check my slides, prepare for battle. Because that’s how it felt: like a battle.

He always seemed so nice outside the meetings. But inside? It felt personal. Like he had it out for me.

I decided to confront him.

I scheduled a one-on-one meeting. A small conference room, just the two of us. My heart was pounding as I shut the door. I didn’t know how he would react, but I knew I had to ask.

“Joe,” I began, trying to steady my voice, “It seems like you always challenge me—my plans, my ideas—in front of the team. I have to ask… do you not like me? Did I do something wrong? Do you think I’m not capable?”

He blinked, stunned. The room was silent. Then he leaned back and said something I didn’t expect at all:

“I’m just trying to help. I care about my people. I want to make sure their voices are heard. I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought I was being supportive.”

And in that moment, everything shifted.

All that time, I thought Joe was my enemy. But really, he was just trying—awkwardly—to be an ally.

He wasn’t trying to sabotage me. He was protecting his people.

But I’d built an entire narrative about being under attack.

That meeting didn’t just help clear the air. It gave me a new lens. One rooted in curiosity, not judgment. But how often do we push past our assumptions and directly ask what the other person is thinking? Of course, sometimes our assumptions are accurate, but we often don’t really know. And often, we assume the worst.

Is there someone in your work or life you need to approach with curiosity instead of judgment?

Let’s be honest—we all want to feel seen, appreciated, and loved.

Sometimes it’s the praise we never got.

Or the hug we needed but didn’t receive.

Or those kind, supportive words we hoped someone would say… but didn’t.

Here’s a powerful shift that might just change everything: What you’ve been waiting for from others… might actually be yours to give.

That encouragement you long for?

That proud smile?

That gentle voice that says, “You’re doing great.”

You don’t have to wait for someone else to give it to you first. You can give it to yourself—whenever you want.

By tuning in and listening to what your inner parts are needing, and drawing from the calm wisdom of your inner Sage, you begin to fill those old empty spaces. And when you do, something beautiful happens:

Your relationships shift.

You’re no longer chasing validation—you’re living in self-love.

You’re not waiting for love, attention, or appreciation—you’ve already got it within you.

As Matt Kahn reminds us in Whatever Arises, Love That: “It’s not about waiting for the right person to show up. It’s about being the one who shows up for you.”

The next time you catch yourself wishing someone would appreciate or validate you, pause and ask: “What do I most need to hear right now?” Then say it to yourself—from the heart. Feel it and let it soak in! You don’t have to be your hardest critic. You can be your biggest fan and supporter.

You might be surprised how healing it feels to finally give yourself what you’ve always deserved.

 

We can all probably agree that our brains are incredibly complex and powerful. So, for a moment, visualize your brain as a state-of-the-art supercomputer — we’re talking NASA-grade, high-speed, multidimensional thinking power.

Now imagine that on this amazing supercomputer… you’re running a basic weather app. And not just any weather app — one that constantly predicts storms, catastrophes, and worst-case scenarios.

That’s what happens when you get stuck in worry, rumination, and overthinking. You’re using the most powerful tool you have — not to envision, create, or lead — but to replay loops of fear, doubt, and what-ifs.

Your Brain Was Built for More Than Survival

Sure, your brain has a built-in survival system — the part that scans for danger, anticipates problems, and tries to keep you safe. It’s brilliant at what it does… but it wasn’t meant to be in charge and run the whole show.

Your brain is capable of and meant for so much more! It has the power to generate creativity, insight, imagination, and anticipation. It’s what helps you dream of a better life, find solutions, and connect the dots between past experiences and future possibilities. It can help you navigate uncertainty with creativity, intuition, and brilliance.

But when we stay in survival mode — especially under chronic stress or fear — so much of that power and potential is lost. And our powerful supercomputer can spend too much time looping through the storms and bad weather.

What If You Broke the Loop?

A primary goal of my positivity tips is to help you break the loop and see beyond your survival instinct, so you can use your thoughts to make your life better.

You can start asking new questions like:

What else might be possible?What if this challenge is here to teach me something?What would I focus on if I trusted things were unfolding for me?

So today, take a breath. Pause. Ask yourself:

“Is this the highest use of my brain right now?”

And if not — choose again.

It’s time to put your supercomputer to better use.

Ever get irritated when someone tells you something you already know — even when they’re being nice about it?

I do. Even the kindest reminder can trigger that little voice in my head saying, “Do they think I’m clueless? Are they underestimating me?” It doesn’t take much for me to feel defensive or even snippy in response.

It’s even worse if I sense they’re talking down to me, or subtly judging. That’s when I know my status feels threatened — and according to the SCARF model (a neuroscience framework about how we react to perceived threats), a challenge to our “Status” can activate the same part of the brain that lights up when we’re physically threatened. So it makes sense that a harmless comment might set off a surprisingly strong internal reaction.

What I’ve learned from Internal Family Systems (IFS) has helped me understand this better. When I get triggered, it’s not my “true self” snapping — it’s a younger, protective part of me stepping in, saying: “I already know this! I don’t need to be told!”

Now, I try to pause and check in. I ask:

What part of me is reacting right now?What does this part need — to feel respected, seen, in control?Is this person trying to help me, connect with me, or control me?

Instead of reacting, I might say something like:

“Thanks — I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot already.”“I appreciate the reminder — I’m already on that, but good to hear it again.”

Try reflecting: Have you ever been triggered by someone telling you something you already knew? What part of you was being activated in that moment — and what might it have needed instead?

The next time it happens, you’ll be ready — not just to respond better, but to learn something about yourself, too.

Lately, I’ve been completely fascinated by Internal Family Systems (IFS), a powerful approach developed by Richard Schwartz in the 1980s. The idea is that we all have an inner family of “parts”—different aspects of ourselves with unique roles, preferences, and strategies for keeping us safe. I like to think of them as personas of our survival instinct.

For example, I have a part that craves control and resists chaos and change. Another part prefers to stay calm and suppress emotions to maintain professionalism. One part is highly skeptical and needs solid proof before believing anything, while another is incredibly trusting and open to new perspectives. Sometimes these parts work in harmony, but other times, they clash—triggered, arguing, or even outright fighting with each other. Sound familiar? It reminds me of the “saboteurs” we’ve talked about before.

Some parts even get frustrated with others—like the one that wishes my worrying part would just stop or the one that wants my serious part to lighten up and have fun.

At the core of all these parts is my true self—what Positive Intelligence calls the Sage. This self is always calm, patient, and wise. It sees beyond the noise and knows the best path forward.

In IFS, our true selves do not judge, dismiss, or fight against our parts but have great compassion for them. Our true selves welcome and appreciate all of our parts and how hard they work to protect us.

This is a life-changing idea for me! Instead of pushing away these parts I want to change, I can embrace them and ask what they are trying to tell me. I can listen like they are my board of directors. But ultimately, my Sage self will lead the way from a place of courage, confidence, and compassion.

This week, see if you can notice a part that is triggered, and then see if you can settle into your true self and welcome it, sit with it, and appreciate how it is trying to help you. Maybe even ask what it would like to tell you.

Recently, I’ve heard a lot about the harm that comes from suppressing negative emotions. Experts like Gabor Maté, Daniel Siegel, and Richard Schwartz emphasize that unprocessed emotions can linger in our minds and bodies, shaping our perceptions and behaviors for a lifetime. For instance, unresolved feelings can leave us triggered by certain situations, leading to unnecessary frustration or stress. Research also supports how past traumas can significantly affect our physical health.*

You might wonder how this aligns with Positive Psychology, which encourages focusing on the good in life. A key distinction is that suppressing emotions is not the same as shifting our perspective.

Instead of avoiding negative emotions, we can acknowledge, accept, and listen to them. What are they trying to tell us? Do they call for action, a conversation, or a shift in how we see things? We can fully experience our emotions and still choose a thoughtful response rather than reacting impulsively.

Take grief as an example. When we lose someone we love, denying our sadness won’t help. By allowing ourselves to feel the grief and asking what it needs, we might realize we need comfort or connection. This could lead us to reach out to a friend, family member, therapist, or support group.

Where might you be avoiding negative emotions in your life? This week, experiment with honoring and listening to your emotions while also managing your thoughts and responses.

*See research on ACE studies and books like The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

To me, the Holiday Season is a perfect time to think about love. After all, this is a common theme for many of our celebrations this time of year.

I used to think love was an emotion that was felt by one person for another, like the way a parent loves a child or the way a couple loves each other. But now I believe love is much bigger than that. It’s a force for good. It’s a power that can change lives. It’s a heart-centered approach to interacting with the world around us. It connects us with each other, with our purpose, and with our soul/spirit.

One way I’ve been working to nurture this love is to consider a variety of ways I can think about love in my day. Here are a few I often repeat to myself.

I give love.I receive love.I feel love.I radiate love.I am love.I do love.

I’ve found these to be very helpful, especially when I’m triggered. If something or someone has caused me frustration, disappointment, stress, worry, etc. I will take a breath, repeat them, and ask, what would love do?

The famous Bible verse commonly used at weddings comes to my mind.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

How do you nurture this kind of love in your life? Remember the saying, “All you need is love.”