Tina Hallis's Blog, page 23

This week, I’m grateful for the opportunity to share an excerpt from a fabulous “advice” article by Christine Carter, an author, sociologist and Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.

This person’s husband recently started a ketogenic diet (a very strict, specialized diet) so they decided to do it along with him. They researched, shopped for, and cooked very low-carb foods so that he could achieve his goals. This person was writing to Christine because her efforts have been met with complaints about the “stupid diet” rather than gratitude.

Here’s an excerpt from Christine’s response about the ungrateful partner.

I understand why you are hoping for a little more attunement to all the work you do to “run the show” in your household, why you expect a little appreciation. But feeling entitled to gratitude is tricky because entitlement is the opposite of gratitude—and rarely do we attract the opposite of what we feel. Just as your husband isn’t fostering your affection by complaining about the food you’ve worked to prepare for him, your entitlement (and the resulting resentment) won’t likely generate his appreciation.

Since you can’t change your husband—as you note, trying to change a grown man is a fool’s errand, not because they don’t change but because we can’t force change in other people—you’ll have to change yourself.

If he needs help with the shopping and cooking, let him ask you for specific favors. Decide on an individual basis which tasks you want to help him with. Don’t do any that will make you feel put out or burdened. You are not trapped in a role you didn’t choose. You are not a victim to his dieting whims, or his bad moods, or his health problems. As such, he doesn’t owe you gratitude.

Sometimes, when we overhelp people, we unconsciously send them the message that we believe that they can’t do it without us. This can make them feel criticized, or like they need fixing, and that can hurt. People don’t tend to appreciate it when their spouses (or friends or parents or children) don’t accept them as they are.

Fortunately, you can still aid Keto Dad in his quest for health and happiness by supporting the three basic psychological needs related to self-motivation: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

Support his autonomy by letting him retain control over his diet.
You can encourage his competence by helping him build the skills he needs—if he wants your help.
Finally, you can foster relatedness by getting your kids and other family members involved. How can you make it fun to do together?

How might this advice help you in a relationship where you feel unappreciated?

Have you ever been misunderstood or misunderstood someone else’s intentions? It’s because there’s a problem with our stories we tell ourselves.

As I was approaching the roundabout, I touched my brakes to slow down. All I heard was the grinding sound of the anti-lock braking system as I started to slide. I looked to my left and noticed a car coming and quickly realized that we would be at the exact same spot in the roundabout in the next second. I switched to the gas pedal to give some power to my front tires so I could at least steer to the right. I stayed next to the other car’s side in the roundabout and exited to the right as they continued around. Our cars never touched. Phew!!

I knew it was a close call, but I was also thinking of what must have been going through the other person’s mind. They may not have realized that I couldn’t stop and that I did my best to avoid running into them. Instead, they probably thought I was a crazy driver that didn’t look where I was going and didn’t yield to oncoming traffic. 

Later that day my husband was recounting his experience at that same roundabout. Some crazy driver had pulled out in front of him without yielding so he had to hit his brakes to avoid a collision. What a jerk!

I had to laugh as I shared my story from earlier that day. I told him, “Maybe that driver encountered the same icy patch as me. Maybe they couldn’t stop.” This new insight gave my husband a reason to reconsider the situation.

I’m always amazed at how often we tell ourselves stories, and how often we assume the worst. I’ve learned that this is a normal part of our survival instinct. The problem is that our negative interpretation of the situation can leave us feeling frustrated or upset (and sometimes saying or doing something unhelpful). But once we learn that our brains naturally jump to the worst conclusion, we can notice it happening and realize we can change our stories. Even if we’ll never know the true intentions of the other person, we can ask ourselves;

Do we know this story to be true?
What assumptions are we making?
Is there another explanation?

These questions can guide us to see other possibilities that have less impact on our mood.

Give it a try this week. See if you can notice when you jump to the worst conclusion and use the questions above.

How often do we think things like, Why does this always happen to me? Why do things never go my way? This is normal and automatic. It’s easy to notice when things don’t go the way we want.

But what about when things DO go our way? Are we tuned in enough to notice and appreciate them? Do we stop and savor these “small miracles?” 

My husband and I were reflecting on this idea recently. I had a project that took way longer than I thought. I needed to record and edit a bunch of videos for my new online course I was creating. But I kept procrastinating because it felt like a really big challenge that would take a lot of time and troubleshooting. It was turning into a stressful obstacle. At last, with some key help from friends, I was finished!! 

We had also been trying to sell our old pickup for several weeks. People would inquire but never call back. Finally, the right person came along and wanted it. When we started thinking from this perspective, we came up with a few other “small miracles” to savor. It felt really good!

Here’s one of my favorite recent miracles. My daughter couldn’t find her phone. We looked everywhere. She was extremely sad because she had saved to get the exact one she wanted. She would have to start over. As we retraced her steps, we realized she had had it in the car when we dropped her off for the bus. The next day, we returned to the drop-off point and there, laying by the side of the road in the snow, was her phone. Yes! We were amazed that it was intact; no one had run it over – yet.

What “small miracles” have happened to you this past month? Get help from a family member or friend if it’s hard. Spend some time appreciating what went your way. Notice how it feels.

Do we learn more when things go as expected or when they don’t?

When I was a scientist working in the lab, I would commonly spend my days setting up experiments. The goal was to develop assays that could be used to discover new drugs against cancer and other diseases. Sometimes my experiments would tell me what I expected, “Yes, this combination works well.” But most of the time I ended up learning what did NOT work.

Although this was extremely frustrating (projects go much faster when experiments give you the results you want), I soon realized that these were the times when I learned the most. After the feelings of disappoint and frustration started to fade, I knew that I needed to stop and think more deeply about why my experiment didn’t work so I could make informed changes for the next time. My mantra became, “This is an opportunity for us to learn more.”

“Negative results are just what I want. They’re just as valuable to me as positive results. I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.” Thomas A. Edison

It’s been more than 10 years since I’ve worked in a lab, but I still find this mantra very helpful for everyday work and life. Imagine a meeting or conversation that didn’t go well. Or maybe it’s a project you’re working on, or simply a situation you find yourself in. Later, you could consider, “This is an opportunity for me to learn more. What can I do better or differently next time?” 

It’s normal for our brains to get stuck focused on what didn’t work. The key is to practice recognizing this instinctive reaction and see that these challenges are not failures, mistakes, or obstacles. Instead of seeing them as making our lives or work harder, we can think of them as constructive feedback that can help us get better. This can shift our mood from stress and frustration to curiosity and optimism.

Be on the lookout this week. When things don’t go as you want, try using the mantra, “This ‘setback’ is an opportunity to learn more.”

Sheryl and her husband Dave were on a family vacation in Mexico. When Dave didn’t show up for dinner with friends, Sheryl rushed to the hotel’s fitness center to find him. To her horror, she learned that her husband had slipped and fallen, dying from a head injury at the age of 47. Sheryl and her two young children were devastated. You may have heard about this tragedy because the couple was Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and author of the best selling book, Lean In and Dave Goldberg, CEO of Survey Monkey. 

I’m telling you this story because it became the basis for a new book called Option B, Self-Confidence and Self-Compassion. It was co-written by Sheryl and Adam Grant, a professor of psychology at the Wharton School and a favorite thought leader whose wisdom I enjoy. Adam has been recognized as Wharton’s top-rated professor for seven straight years and as one of the world’s 10 most influential management thinkers and Fortune‘s 40 under 40.

The book is Sheryl’s personal account of how hard it was for her to deal with this tragic loss, but also shares research (courtesy of Adam Grant) about ways we can build our resilience and self-confidence.

Adam told Sheryl that to help her navigate the trauma, she needed to practice self-compassion. He said she should treat herself with the same kindness and understanding that she would show to a friend. He told her one trick to making this easier is to journal every night about three things she did well that day. Sheryl said that at the beginning, it was really hard.

“I made tea, I got through one meeting without crying or at least without crying a lot. But these were the small wins. And when I went to bed writing three things I did well, what I realized is that even before Dave had died, I went to bed every night worrying about what I did wrong.”

Why am I telling you this? Adam points out that this approach is great for building self-confidence in any situation, not just tragedy. Many of us could use help in this area because it’s natural for us to focus on our mistakes; to berate ourselves for not doing or being better. Give it a try. Write about three things you did well during your day for a week and see how a little self-compassion can make you feel.

Do you ever get mad at yourself for making a mistake?

I was slowly backing out of the parking spot when I heard my husband yell something from the passenger seat. Too late! A moment later, I heard a loud CRUNCH! #$!%!! I had caught the edge of one of the parking ramp pillars with the driver’s side door. Sure enough, there was a nice set of scratches and a dent in the door. How could I be so stupid?!

When mistakes like this happen, I’ve discovered that there are many lessons we can find.  

Self-forgiveness. Getting mad at myself won’t change what happened. I can beat myself up for hours or days, but it doesn’t accomplish anything except make me feel bad. Instead, it’s rich material to practice self-forgiveness and to give myself permission to be human.


What would I do differently next time to avoid a similar mistake? Well, I would try not to park next to a cement pillar. And if I have no choice, I would be even more diligent in checking my mirrors.


Keeps me humble. So the next time someone else makes a mistake, I can have a little more compassion and forgiveness for them. This is my favorite! 

A  few days later, my husband was backing out of our garage. When he came inside, he was mad at himself. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice how close I was to the side of the open garage door! I managed to hit the mirror and crack the housing around it. #$!%!!”

Hmmmm. What can I say to him? See #3 above. “I know how you feel!”

I hope you don’t make any mistakes this week. But if you do or if you catch someone else making one, give the lessons above a try.

I’m excited to share a guest blog with you this week from the funny and wise Chip Lutz. This is an excerpt from a longer article you can check out here. I’ve had the honor of getting to know Chip through our National Speakers Association Wisconsin Chapter meetings. 

I’ll admit it.  I have some hair triggers that push me past the point of good judgment.  I won’t name them and, most of the time, I have a really slow fuse in getting angry but there are some things that give me the crazy brain.  The crazy brain is when you say (or do) something in the moment and later, when calm, you think “Why did I do that!?”

How about you?  Do you have some hair triggers?  Some interaction with another person that spurs you to think (or say) things like…

“I can’t believe they did that!”

“I can’t believe they posted that!”

“Don’t they know how what they’re doing is impacting me?”

“I can’t stand the way they do that!”

You’re not alone.  It’s human nature and, quite frankly, it’s doubtful that the person that spurred those thoughts did it intentionally.  Granted, there are some that do go out of their way to be annoying but they are the exception and not the rule.  Further, I’d go as far as to say they didn’t even realize they were being “like that” and haven’t even given it another thought.

Like I tell my coaching clients (and my kids), “You’d be surprised at how much people don’t think about you as much as you think about you.”  So why hang on to it?  Hanging onto it only hurts you.  I know . . . I’ve been there.  It also degrades productivity and team trust.  I’ve been there too!

What we all need now is a little more grace and a little less anger.  You can call grace by a lot of different names and (in this case) I’m not using it in a religious manner at all.  We could refer to it as cutting someone some slack, turning the other cheek, giving them a pass, forgiveness (or any other phrase) but I really like the word grace.  And, since I’m writing this, that’s the term that I’m going to use.

For me, grace is giving someone the same consideration I would want if the conditions were reversed.

When my trigger is pulled and I feel my inner anger starting to bubble up,  here’s how I try to invoke that grace. Perhaps it will work for you as well.

Take a Breath.  Seriously, breathe.  Don’t say anything or do anything that you’ll regret when the crazy brain is gone.  Taking a deep breath triggers neurons in your brain that tell you it’s time to relax.


See it from their perspective.  Is that person really going out of their way to hurt you or is it your perception of the situation?  Most people are ignorant to how what they say or do impact those around them.  That doesn’t make them bad people, it just makes them people.  Take a moment to walk a few feet in their shoes.


Ask yourself if you’ve done the same.  Have you been misunderstood?  Have your intentions ever been misconstrued?  Have you ever done something really stupid?  Sure, we all have (me, more than most).


Pull out your grace wand.  Reach in your pocket, pull out your imaginary grace wand, wave it in the air and say, “I’m giving you grace on that.”  It’s the silliness of the action that really makes this work. 


Move on.  That’s it.  Move on.  Quit thinking about them because they’re not thinking about you.

 

Lieutenant Commander Chip Lutz, USN(Ret), MSEd, CSP, is the President and founder of Unconventional Leader, LLC. As a speaker, teacher, coach, and author, Chip uses an interactive style, humor and lots of practical, real-world solutions to share messages that improve leadership and teamwork.

Have you ever known someone who couldn’t agree to disagree? I was having lunch with a new friend. We were having a great conversation about our similar values and goals. Then she brought up something politically related. I made the comment that I didn’t like to talk politics. I find it can create tension, and sometimes people get so emotionally carried away that they can say hurtful things.

But my new friend wouldn’t let it drop, even after I asked if we could change the subject. She was upset that I wasn’t as passionate as her about this particular topic. I could tell that her strong feelings were triggering her cortisol, making her even more determined to convince me. However, I felt attacked and knew that her ranting was hurting our friendship.

I know I can easily become defensive and angry when someone has a different opinion than me. I’ve learned that this is a natural response. Our strong survival instinct warns us that anyone who disagrees with us may be a danger. I’ve also learned that we have the power to override this instinct and respect other people’s beliefs and opinions, even when we don’t share their passion or when we disagree. I’m far from perfect at this, but I’m working on it.

Have you ever noticed that even in some of your best relationships, you can find something you have different opinions about? Does this mean you can’t honor these differences and still be friends? It’s certainly a much nicer and closer relationship when both sides can offer this respect. Here’s a version of one of my favorite quotes (author unknown)

Just because I’m right, doesn’t mean you’re wrong. 

To be clear, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t voice our opinions if they differ from someone else’s. It’s important to stand up for what we believe in, and some people really enjoy debates. The key is to not lose our civility and respect for the other person. And if they ask us to drop the subject, we should honor their request. 

Have you ever become upset with someone about your differences in opinion? Next time try to honor their belief even though you disagree. 

When my dad was growing up, almost everyone in his family was a truck driver; his brothers, his dad, his uncle, and cousin. So naturally, that’s what he wanted to be when he grew up. When he was older, his dad would take him with on trips and show him the ropes. My dad knew he was ready.  Shortly after my mom and dad were married, his dream finally came true. He was driving across the country on his own. 

Despite a variety of challenges, he was very happy with his job. There was a lot to see and always something new to experience. But there was a problem. It was me.

After I was born, my dad would come home, excited to spend time with his new baby girl. But because he was gone for days or even weeks at a time, I would cry every time he held me. Apparently, I didn’t recognize this stranger. This tore my dad up! Something had to change. So despite his love of trucking, he made the hard decision to leave it behind and get a “regular” job so he could spend more time with his tiny daughter.

Eventually, when I was a little older, he found a trucking company that allowed him to be home every weekend and at least once during the week. This was the balance and quality of life he wanted. He spent the rest of his career behind the wheel of a semi. It’s no surprise that his CB handle was “Homesteader.”

I love this story because, to me, it highlights the priority he gave to his family. He was willing to step away from his dream to make sure that I came before his work. He knew he would not be happy if he didn’t make a change.

Of course, this was a big change and a big priority for him. But the message here can be applied to many aspects of our lives. Are we making decisions about our lives that align with what’s important to us? Everything we say “yes” or “no” to impacts this alignment and our happiness.

What priorities in your life need your attention? What has to change for you to find a more balanced alignment with them?

There’s so much to worry about, whether it’s our world, government, community, family, work, the list goes on. Does worry invade your mind and then set up camp? Have you ever noticed how hard it is to concentrate when you’re worried or how much worry can drain your energy? Here are some of my favorite strategies that I use to help me manage my worries.

Positive Emotions

Research shows that the more you focus on your worries, the worse you will feel. And the worse you feel, the more you will worry, and round it goes. It can be easier to break this vicious cycle with practices that help you spend more time feeling positive emotions like hope, gratitude, peace, and curiosity. Check out this list of ideas.

Understand Uncertainty

Uncertainty triggers a threat response in your brain that creates a feeling that you or someone you care about is in danger. Realizing that this is a normal instinctive response can be helpful. Then you can thank your survival instinct while also choosing to shift your thinking to something more useful. 

Categorize Worries

Get your worries out of your head by writing them down. Label them with an “A” if there is nothing you can do to change the situation. If you can take some action to reduce the risk, mark them with a “B.” Write down an action you can take for your “B” worries. Realize worrying about your “A” list is a waste of time and energy.

Worry Is Not a Strategy

If you worry about something and nothing bad happens, you may start to believe that your worrying helped prevent it. Even though you may realize this sounds silly, your subconscious can still store this connection. Notice any thoughts that suggest worrying is helpful. Realize needless worry is impacting the quality of your life.

Get Another Perspective

Share your worry with a trusted friend. Ask them to help you analyze the likelihood of your worry happening. Discuss what the worst possible outcome might be if it does happen and what you could do. Getting a second opinion can help put things in perspective.

Which of these ideas could you try this week?