Tina Hallis's Blog, page 18

I’m excited to share a guest blog from the wise and wonderful Nancy Kalsow! You know how sometimes you meet someone and you feel an instant connection? That was how I felt when I first met Nancy and am so grateful for her and our friendship. She has a beautiful heart and asks great questions. You would think she is a coach. Oh, wait, she is! You can learn more about relishing in Acre 16 of her new book, Acres of Life.

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I believe experience is the best teacher in life. Those experiences shape our future.  We may not like everything about our pasts. But we can learn from it.  So slow down for just a minute and think about your past. What’s a powerful lesson you have learned and how have you put it to use today?

One of my most powerful life lessons came from my Aunt Jeanette, who was also my Godmother.  Relish in the moment, for the moments become your memories.

My Aunt Jeanette taught me how to “relish”.  It was her version of what today we call “mindfulness”.  She would stand in my closet and ooo and ahhh over my simple church dresses – relishing in the fact that this was something she did not get to do raising four boys. We would take long slow walks and look at the detail of the landscape and the homes. We’d picture how it would look with a splash of purple here or some shutters on that house. We slowly cooked meals together, first selecting just the right produce, then preparing the food in various stages, smelling the steam waffling through the air. We’d pour a glass of wine halfway through our preparation and share a toast. And finally, after hours of putting it all together, we’d sit at her dining room table to share what we had prepared.

I didn’t always enjoy relishing.  It often felt like a waste of time. Yet, the experience shaped me. Today, I practice relishing in a variety of ways that bring me peace and contentment.  From journaling to walking my family farm acreage. I take time to inspect a flower or snowflake up close, to notice how the sun feels on my face, to use the passing time as I sit on the back of my husband’s motorcycle to reflect on who I am, and as Tina shared in her last blog, I’ve become really good at using the words “I get to..”

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.”

– Alice Morse Earle

At this time tomorrow, Today will be in the past. It will be history.  Think of life as an experiment. Experiment with today. So often we are busy wondering what will come of tomorrow that we forget about this moment in time. Today, as you experiment with your beliefs, values, skills, talents, knowledge, relationships, travels, and lifestyle…. What lesson will you take to shape your future?

 

Nancy Kalsow is a Certified Professional Life and Career Coach (CLC, CPC, ACC) and has been facilitating, coaching and mentoring individuals and teams for over 30 years. Nancy believes everyone needs someone in their corner. Her goal is to be that person for her clients. Learn more at KalsowCoaching.com and learn more about her new book, Acres of Life.

Here was a teacher and a former dean at a local highschool sharing his struggles with depression and anxiety with a bunch of teenagers. And the kids absolutely loved it! He was an adult that could understand what it was like to question your self-worth and your feelings. He didn’t pretend to be perfect or to have all the answers. And that gave him credibility; it built trust, and it built connection.

I was honored to be part of a winter wellness event for teens this past Saturday. I talked about the power of our thoughts and the ability to “think about what we think about.” We learned about mental health resources, did some fun art projects, and enjoyed a great yoga class. But the kids really connected with the teacher who could be vulnerable and talk about his personal challenges.

Isn’t it funny that we relate more to people who share their imperfections, yet we try so hard to make it appear that we have it all together?? It feels like a bizarre catch-22. We feel the need to appear “perfect,” but that can actually distance people. And it makes us feel alone and isolated, like we’re the only one who struggles with the voice in our heads.

I was surprised to learn that even successful people feel insecure. In the book, Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine, he did an anonymous survey of 100 CEOs that were attending a leadership development retreat. He asked them to share something about themselves that they had never shared before because they were afraid of losing credibility and respect. He read them out loud; confessions of feeling inadequate, undeserving, flawed, and incompetent. After a stunned silence, the CEOs said they felt relieved that their “inner torment was commonly shared.”

The lesson I’ve learned and the point I want to emphasize is that no one is perfect. Some are better at hiding it than others. So we shouldn’t feel like we’re the only one who questions our own self-worth, our abilities, our right to be happy and enjoy our life.

If you find yourself having these feelings, remind yourself that it’s part of being human and you are not alone.

I’m always on the lookout for fast and easy tricks to shift our thinking and to feel better. So I’m excited to share something new that combines two of my favorites; a fake smile and happy memory. I first learned about this approach during a meditation practice my awesome yoga instructor, Tatsiana O’Neil, led after class. I absolutely loved it so I wanted to tell you about it. Here’s how it works.

Get into a comfortable sitting position. You can lie down if you know you won’t fall asleep.

Smile and make sure you are activating the muscles at the edges and under your eyes like in a real smile. It can be a small smile with a slight curve to your lips, but make sure you’re “crinkling” your eyes.
Close your eyes or let your gaze drop to the floor if you’re sitting. Keep those eye muscles engaged!
Here’s the fun part! Think of memories that make you smile. It could be a person, pet, place, situation, or even a movie scene.
Keep the smile going and keep focusing on different memories that make you feel good or stick to one if you can make it last for at least five minutes.

You can practice this tip for as little as five minutes or much longer if you’d like.

When I have the “fake” smile, I find I more easily remember happy times, and then the good memories make it easier to smile, so they reinforce each other. When I’m done, I feel genuinely better.

You can do this any time throughout your day. Try it before you get out of bed in the morning or before you go to sleep. Give it a try at lunchtime or after work. I would love to hear what you think!

It’s a Monday morning so I have to wake up extra early because I have to help my daughter get ready for school.  I have to pack her a lunch and a snack for school.  Then I have to do some laundry – the clothes are piling up!

Next on my list, I have to work on an article for my business and then I have to start prepping for a talk I have in a few days.  There are some emails and calls I have to return.  Phew!  So much I have to do!

Reading this makes me feel overwhelmed and exhausted!

Going from “have to” to “get to”

Watch what happens when I make a simple switch from the word “have” to the word “get.”

It’s a Monday morning so I get to wake up extra early because I get to help my daughter get ready for school.  I get to pack her a lunch and a snack for school.  Then I get to do some laundry – the clothes are piling up!  Next on my list, I get to work on an article for my business and then I get to start prepping for a talk I have in a few days.  There are some emails and calls I get to return.  Phew!  So much I get to do!

This version leaves me feeling grateful and upbeat.  It helps me realize how fortunate I am to be able to do all these things and it helps me appreciate all the good things in my life – my daughter, my business, my health, even my clothes, washing machine, and computer.

Give it a try.  Write down all the things you have to do.  Then switch out the words so it says all the things you get to do. Notice a difference?  If you need an even bigger shift, imagine something in your life has happened so that you need to switch “get” to “don’t get” to do.

I would like to thank my dear friend Jen Wilson of New Leaf Coaching for sharing this powerful insight with me.

I never knew that my emotions were trying to tell me something! Especially my negative emotions. I just thought they were meant to make me feel bad. But Positive Psychology has taught me that they actually serve a greater purpose – they are a warning signal, instructions that I need to take action. But how often do we miss the purpose of the instructions and instead just get stuck feeling discouraged, frustrated, or mad? 

For example, does your inner voice ever complain that you shouldn’t have to be the one to do “everything?” Maybe you think this when you’re putting stuff away, washing the dishes, shoveling the driveway, or mowing the yard. Maybe you think this when you’re coming into work on the weekends, reminding teammates to finish their part of the project, or just cleaning glasses out of the lunchroom sink. The more you replay this frustration at the lack of appreciation, the bigger and louder it gets.

Now you’re in a bad mood. Not only does this negative energy not feel good, but it also gets in the way of your motivation, your ability to focus on your work, and it hurts your relationships. It’s easy to let that bad mood permeate your interactions; especially with those people that are the cause of your aggravation, which only makes things worse.

Instead of focusing on this negative emotion, what if you interpreted the thoughts and frustration as a signal, as instructions? It could be a message that you need to have a conversation with the other person to respectfully share your concerns. Or maybe you need to broaden your perspective and realize all the stuff the other person does that you don’t notice. Or maybe you need to reflect on the situation when you’re calm and see if it really is an issue.

Give it a try this week. When you notice yourself feeling upset, instead of getting stuck feeling bad, look for the instructions.

I don’t know how you do it! You’re busy with your work, taking care of your home, all your commitments, and hopefully a little time for a hobby or volunteer work. AND maybe you have a partner or kids that require your time and energy! Add all the distractions in your life with texts, calls, emails, social media, etc. and you don’t have a spare minute to even remember any of the tips and strategies I share.

No problem! Here are some easy ideas that can help.

Passwords – Every time you type in your password, it could be the first letter of every word of the strategy you’re currently focused on.  TIM2BG4@ could stand for “There is much to be grateful for” and a symbol if your system requires it. Or you could include just the consonants and a number so that PsNtcChs2D is a reminder to pause, notice, choose today. Another option is to use your password to boost your positivity by having it remind you of a favorite memory or your favorite song.

Pictures & Quotes – You could post pictures or quotes that remind you of a positivity tip you like. You could have them on your devices, your bathroom mirror, your fridge, or your cubicle. It could be a picture of you or someone you love with a big smile to remind you to use a fake smile to feel happier. Or maybe it’s a quote that really resonates with you and reminds you of what’s important in life.

A Bracelet, ring, or stone – You could designate a piece of jewelry or a stone in your pocket as a reminder for a specific strategy. Then every time you notice it, you remember. Maybe it reminds you to take a few deep breaths to relax and lower your stress. Or maybe it’s a trigger for you to do something nice for someone else.

Brushing Your Teeth – Every time you brush your teeth, you could use it as a time to also think about a particular idea you want to use that day. Maybe you want to reflect on trying to be more patient with a particular coworker that day. Or maybe you want to envision a successful outcome at an important meeting.

Red Lights – Red lights are a great opportunity to take a moment to think of something we’re grateful for. Or you could use them as a reminder to practice your fake smile.

Pick one of these to experiment with this week. Or maybe this list gave you another idea you want to try. Life is busy but we can use everyday moments to remind us what we can do to be more positive.

Have you ever heard these quotes from the late President Nixon? ”I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.” Or, “I’m not a crook.” It may seem like a common occurrence for politicians, business leaders, and celebrities to get called out on something they’ve done or said (or posted on social media) and then publicly deny it. Can’t they see all the evidence that shows they were wrong?

I’ve been reading a fascinating book that dives into the psychology behind why we refute information that goes against our beliefs, that proves we’ve made a mistake, or that shows we’ve said or done something that goes against our values. In “Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts,” Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson provide intriguing research and humorous examples of the self-defense mechanism we use to protect our integrity called self-justification.

For example, when someone feels that they are a law-abiding citizen, but they frequently go over the speed limit, they may unconsciously justify it. It’s not a big deal. Other people do it too. (I can relate.) If the act is more serious, they may even convince themselves that they never said or did it at all! “I’m not a crook!” We may know they’re lying, but they’re convinced they’re right. At first, it sounds crazy, but the book provides numerous studies and examples from the news and from our own lives.

This same phenomenon reinforces our current beliefs even when we’re confronted with strong evidence that we’re wrong. Self-justification creates a filter; if we’re forced to look at evidence that contradicts our beliefs, we find a way to criticize, distort, or dismiss it. But we embrace information that reinforces our beliefs or actions and feel validated. See! Just like I’ve always said.

Our brains are wired to find consistency between what we do and the desire to feel good about ourselves. When there is cognitive dissonance, where the information contradicts our integrity, we try to salvage our self-esteem rather than own up to our mistakes.

“The brain is designed with blind spots, optical and psychological, and one of its cleverest tricks is to confer on us the comforting delusion that we, personally, do not have any.”

So, how does this relate to positivity? As you know, our relationships and interactions with others have a huge influence on how we feel. The more we understand why people say and do the things they do, the more understanding and hopefully patience and empathy we can have for each other. Awareness of the internal force of self-justification is key. See if you can notice any self-justification in others or yourself (much more difficult) this week.

DARN! My paperwork for the project was due yesterday. I had been busy with other stuff and had never finished it. Now, here was an email from the team leader asking me when I was going to submit it.

I didn’t like being late. My mind instantly went into defense mode. But I had other stuff to do, too! Why did it matter if I turned it in yesterday or today? I bet I wouldn’t be the only one who missed a deadline in this project. 

I could feel some tightness in my body as my thoughts built momentum. I was a hard worker and a good employee. They should be happy that I’m on this project. They had no right to be upset with me! 

Has something like this ever happened to you? You anticipate someone might be upset with you and your mind quickly gets ready for battle?

Luckily, I didn’t email the team leader back right away. I finished my paperwork and sent it with a brief comment saying I was sorry I was late. Their email back simply said, “Thanks!” The next time I saw them everything seemed fine. I had put myself through all that anxiety for nothing.

This happened years ago, before I’d ever heard of Positive Psychology and learned that this is an instinctive reaction. But I was reminded of it because something similar happened yesterday with my husband. In the morning, he had asked if I could help him cut up trees for our wood-burning stove later that day. I totally forgot and was busy with my own stuff. When he came in the house to ask if I had time to help, I was on the phone. As he left, I started to imagine that he must be upset with me. I had let him down. The excuses and defensiveness began to bubble up.

Then I caught myself; I didn’t know what he was thinking. I was jumping to the worst conclusion and making up a story of how he felt. I paused, noticed my thoughts, and told myself to stay calm and not worry. I walked down to the woodpile, and instead of being defensive, I pleasantly asked how things were going. Everything was good.

Can you remember a time when you jumped to the worst conclusion about what someone else was thinking about you? Next time remind yourself that we’re wired to jump to the worst conclusion and try to stay calm before you check in with them.

Happy New Year! This time of year brings a mixture of emotions for me. Sadness that the holidays and festivities are over. Sadness that there are still many long, dark, cold days left in winter. And excitement at the prospect of a new year, a fresh start, and new possibilities.

Whether you have big plans, new goals, or are just hopeful for a good 2020, I would like to share a few ideas to make it easier to have your best year yet. I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that these ideas are centered around ways you can spend more of your time feeling good.

Just think about it; have you noticed how feeling more positive makes everything else easier? When I’m calm, grateful, or optimistic, I’m more patient, motivated, and can think more clearly. When I’m less stressed and frustrated, it’s easier to deal with life’s everyday challenges.

So if you would like to make it easier to achieve your goals, to have better relationships, and to be happier in 2020, consider trying these ideas when you need a boost:

Change your thinking to notice more of the good. This goes back to the idea that we can get better at pausing, noticing our thoughts and feelings, and choosing what we focus on.
Change your body to mimic a happy, positive stance. Try a fake smile and an open posture. Our body language provides feedback to our brains on how we feel.  
Change what you’re doing. Do something that makes you feel good or brings you joy. Listen to upbeat music. Talk to a friend. Spend time doing a hobby. Get moving. 
Change where you are. Move to a different environment, room, or get outside. Our surroundings can impact our mood and sometimes we just need a change of scenery to shift how we feel.

This next year is going to go by fast! It’s so easy to spend a lot of time in our natural default mode of feeling stressed, worried, and discouraged. But if you use some of these ideas, even just once in a while, you can make this year your best year yet.

The whole class had been working hard on creating their paper Santas. I loved art and so I was trying to make the best Santa possible. The cotton balls had to be pulled apart and glued on just the right way for the fur hat and beard. It was the fourth-grade, and I was in my glory as I carefully cut, glued, and colored with four other kids at my table.

Suddenly, to my surprise and horror, one of the other girls reached across and pulled some of the cotton balls off of MY Santa!! I was outraged! To me, it seemed she had ruined my perfect artwork on purpose. I did the first thing that came to my mind; I pulled a bunch of cotton off of her Santa. Apparently, she didn’t think that was fair and soon we were in a fight.

I don’t remember the details, but I’m pretty sure the teacher had to intervene. I’m guessing we both claimed that the other kid had started it. What I do remember is the overwhelming feeling of injustice and wanting revenge. This other person had caused me harm (at least to my Santa) and it was only right that I hurt them back.

To me, that memory is an example of our normal reaction when we feel hurt by others; we want to hurt them back. Maybe the other person criticized us, treated us unfairly, or made us feel stupid, embarrassed, or left out. I’ve learned that these types of situations can trigger the threat response in our brains, which makes us feel like someone is physically trying to harm us. It’s instinctive to react as if our life is in danger. Wow! No wonder I felt the instant desire to destroy her Santa.

I’ve also learned that we can get better at recognizing this reaction so we can pause in the moment, notice how we feel and choose a better response. Getting curious is a handy antidote. I wonder how things would have been different if I would have asked, “Why did you pull the cotton from my Santa’s hat?” Maybe she thought it was hers. Maybe she thought I had done something to her artwork. I will never know.

This week, be on the lookout for any situations where you feel hurt by someone. Do you notice yourself wanting to get back at them? Can you get curious instead?