Tina Hallis's Blog, page 16

This Sunday morning I was walking back to my car after enjoying some lovely outdoor yoga in a park. I was chatting with a couple of the other students as we walked across the footbridge that crosses the river. When we reached the other side, one of my fellow yogis whispered, “Do you think they’re going to jump?” I hadn’t noticed the person sitting on the bridge on the other side of the safety fence, but she had. The river was high from the recent rain and this was a rocky stretch with rapids. If they jumped headfirst, they could easily break their neck and drown. 

I waited as she walked back to talk with them. When she returned, she told me she had asked them if they planned to jump. Their answer made my stomach clench. “I haven’t decided yet.” They made it clear they wanted her to leave and not bother them. My heart felt heavy and my eyes watered thinking about the pain this person must be in to even think about ending their life. I remembered the terrible tragedy of how our community had just lost a local 10-year-old girl to suicide a few days ago.

My fellow student called the local police dispatch to tell them about the situation. They were sending someone right away. She had training in suicide prevention and told me she would keep an eye on this person until the officer arrived.

As we talked, I thought of how lucky I am. My life is so wonderful! I have so many good things in my life with my family, friends, my career, my home, and the list goes on. I instantly realized how much I take it all for granted. And how so many people in my community are struggling in ways I can’t imagine.

This week, who can you reach out to who may be struggling? Just knowing someone cares can make a huge difference. And how can you see the challenges in other people’s lives as a reminder to be grateful for all the good in yours? Today’s events remind me of one of my favorite quotes;

“What a wonderful life I’ve had. I just wish I’d realized it sooner.” – Sidonie Gabrille Colette

How do you feel after you watch the news? The media definitely understands our brains’ wiring to focus on the negative!! They will feed us reams of bad news because they know it will keep our attention. They know all about our brain’s survival instinct and use it to get more viewers. Now more than ever, there can be a fine line between “helpful to know” news and stories that just bring us down.

In his most recent newsletter, Dr. Colin Champ noted this about watching the news;

“Frankly, I liken it to sitting in a dark room surrounded by angry people yelling negative comments at me until I feel terrible about myself and everyone around me. How is this even considered a sane activity?”

What other content and messages do you feed your mind? Consider the TV programs, videos, movies, podcasts, music, websites, books, etc. that you choose. If we purposely surround ourselves with messages that focus on things that are helpful, encouraging, and positive, we give our brains good information to think about.

It’s not about ignoring the bad stuff; it’s about finding a healthier balance. This not only makes us feel better, but it’s also better for us mentally and physically. Kelly Turner, Ph.D., author of Radical Remission, writes that,

“Positive emotions are like rocket fuel for the immune system.”

We need to pay attention to the topics we discuss with friends and family. Instead of commiserating about upsetting events in the media, ask them to tell you about some of the good things happening in their lives. What are they looking forward to? It’s also great fun to reminisce about a past good time you shared.

I always feel energized and happier after hanging with some of my fun friends! And the boost continues as I remember our conversations and savor their friendships.

The type of information we feed our brains is analogous to the food we feed our bodies. If what we eat is healthy and nutritious, we feel better. If our mental diet is healthy, we feel better. Without intention and guidance from us, our brains would “chew on” the negative “junk food” they’re naturally wired to consume.

How can you add some good “food” and boost your mental and emotional nutrition?

I’ve learned how the questions we ask ourselves play a big part in shaping our thinking, which then impacts our emotions and mood. With all the turmoil in our world, I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions. I’ve noticed how it’s easy for me to focus on ones that get me stuck in worry and discouragement. Questions like,

“When will things get back to normal?”
“Why can’t people accept each other (and be nice to each other)?”
“What is the truth and what are the facts that I can trust?”
“What if things get worse?”

Can you relate?

So I’ve been trying to ask better questions. Instead of just seeing the current challenges as problems, what if we could see this time as a wake-up call? A time to evaluate our life, who we are, and what’s important? Here are some different questions I’ve been thinking about:

What do I miss because of social distancing that I used to take for granted? What other things am I taking for granted now?
What has changed for the better?
What can I learn about myself based on how I’ve reacted to the news and changes in society?
What do I have control over?
What am I worrying about that’s outside of my control?
What’s important to me in my life?
What kind of life do I want to create for myself?
What do I want to change in my life to make it better?
What’s getting in my way of living a better life?
What kind of person do I want to be?
What’s getting in my way of being a better me?
What brings me joy?
How can I be a light to others?
How am I judging others?
How can I be more patient and accepting of others?
Am I using my time and my days in ways that help me move forward?
What are the opportunities in this situation?

“We live in the world our questions create.”  – David Cooperrider

Notice which ones resonate with you. Consider making a list to post on your bathroom mirror or by your computer. Are there other questions that would help you?

Meet Terri and Chris. They are both nice people. (Random names assigned to fictitious people)

Terri is very worried about the state of the world. They believe that things are falling apart and they’re only going to get worse. They watch the news every night and constantly check headlines throughout their day. They stress about the current state of affairs and about the future. They share their worries with friends and family. Their conversations focus on all that’s wrong. All they can think about are problems. Their stress leaves them feeling short-tempered, tired, and discouraged.

Chris is worried, too. They believe we’re going through a time of change that’s causing a lot of strong emotions. They know that this large of a shift in our way of living, our beliefs, and our mindset can be confusing and disturbing. Chris checks the news every other day and carefully selects the sources. They are curious to learn more about different perspectives. They listen to the concerns of their friends and family and also share their optimism about the future. The situation leaves them feeling curious, hopeful, and compassionate.

Even though I describe two different people, these are really two different mindsets I notice I can experience. My goal is to spend more time as Chris and to catch myself when I think like Terri. Not only will I feel better, I know this will help me be more patient, accepting, and grateful, all traits that will help me help others, too.

I’m also reminded that there are two kinds of worry. I want to get better at realizing when my worry is within my control or outside of my control. I don’t want to consume my time, my energy, my health, and my life stuck focused on things I can’t change!

“What consumes your mind controls your life.” – Anonymous

If you would like to spend more time like Chris, join me in finding time for self-reflection and self-awareness. I’ve found that practicing and using the “Pause, Notice, Choose” tool makes a huge difference.

Meet Terri and Chris. They are both nice people.

Terri is very worried about the state of the world. They believe that things are falling apart and they’re only going to get worse. They watch the news every night and constantly check headlines throughout their day. They stress about the current state of affairs and about the future. They share their worries with friends and family. Their conversations focus on all that’s wrong. All they can think about are problems. Their stress leaves them feeling short-tempered, tired, and discouraged.

Chris is worried, too. They believe we’re going through a time of change that’s causing a lot of strong emotions. They know that this large of a shift in our way of living, our beliefs, and our mindset can be confusing and disturbing. Chris checks the news every other day and carefully selects the sources. They are curious to learn more about different perspectives. They listen to the concerns of their friends and family and also share their optimism about the future. The situation leaves them feeling curious, hopeful, and compassionate.

Even though I describe two different people, these are really two different mindsets I notice I can experience. My goal is to spend more time as Chris and to catch myself when I think like Terri. Not only will I feel better, I know this will help me be more patient, accepting, and grateful.

I’m also reminded that there are two kinds of worry. I want to get better at realizing when my worry is within my control or outside of my control. I don’t want to consume my time, my energy, my health, and my life stuck focused on things I can’t change!

If you would like to spend more time like Chris, join me in finding time for self-reflection and self-awareness. I’ve found that practicing and using the “Pause, Notice, Choose” tool makes a huge difference.

Now more than ever, people are struggling with an overwhelming influx of negativity. With all that’s happening in our world today, no wonder people are experiencing unprecedented levels of anger, stress, frustration, and discouragement. For some, these feelings are being channeled into action. It may include letting our voices be heard, while for others it’s reflecting on our own beliefs and biases. I believe our world is going through a huge change on several fronts. It’s not surprising such transformation is accompanied by upheaval, strong emotions, and confusion. But as an optimist, I believe we will come out of this stronger, wiser, and with greater understanding for each other.

Yet, while we are in the midst of this chaos, we need to take care of ourselves and set boundaries so these feelings don’t drag us into a downward spiral. We need to build our positivity so we can be more patient, more resilient, and calmer, especially when faced with other people’s stress. We can be the positive ripple that spreads empathy, peace, and acceptance.

These efforts don’t just increase our own happiness and wellbeing; they have a strong effect on those around us because of things like social and emotional contagion. In a nutshell, human beings tend to influence and copy one another. In fact, studies have revealed that this contagion can impact people’s weight, smoking, alcohol consumption, loneliness, divorce, and tastes in music, books, and movies. The great news is we can take advantage of this effect to be a positive influence.

As you go through this week, I wanted to share the three self-care questions I found from one of my favorite Positive Psychology teachers, Dr. Maria Sirois.

What is one thing you can do that calms you?
What is one thing you can do that strengthens you?
What is one thing you can do that inspires and energizes you?

Charge your positivity battery so you have enough energy to be a positive ripple.

I’m grateful for the wisdom of my friend, Jason Kotecki, and his permission to share this excerpt from his wonderful perspective that brought tears to my eyes. You can find the full post here.

_______________________

The bald eagle has long been a symbol of our nation. This painting is a symbol of how our nation is feeling right now.

There is a lot of anger.

We are angry at the injustice that has gone on too long.

We are angry at people who don’t seem to understand our point of view.

We are angry at the unproductive violence and destructive looting taking place in our communities.

We are angry at our leaders and the media and this damn virus.

First of all, let me say this: It’s ok to be angry. 

I am all for being optimistic and positive thinking. But life is meant to be lived and it’s meant to be felt. Putting on a happy face to mask some sadness is not all that different from using food or drugs or alcohol to numb some deep pain.

Right now, we are angry and we are hurt.

People have been hurt by racism.

People have been hurt by poverty.

People have been hurt by political divisiveness.

People have been hurt by this pandemic: physically, financially, and emotionally.

Something Kim and I try to teach our kids and thus remind ourselves of is this:  Hurt people hurt people.

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” –Yoda

We are afraid that we might lose our life, our livelihood, or someone we love.

We are afraid that what we have will be taken from us.

We are afraid that we or someone we love will suffer great injustice.

We have lost so much, and are afraid that we will lose even more.

The way forward is not to keep hurting one another. That is not who we are. We are America. We are a melting pot of beautiful cultures and diverse perspectives unified under a banner of freedom and a spirit of courage, compassion, and cooperation.

It’s okay to be angry. But may God give us the grace to transform it into a righteous anger that fuels ruthless, senseless acts of love.

That’s the prescription: do something recklessly generous in the next few days for someone who won’t see it coming. Something that goes against the narrative that’s been fed to us by our news media.

 

Jason Kotecki is a professional speaker and artist. He and his wife Kim are the co-creators of Escape Adulthood, a company and lifestyle brand that helps people rediscover the secrets of childhood in order to build better lives, businesses, and teams.

When you were little, do you remember how important it was to win whatever game you were playing with family or friends? I remember games like Go Fish, Clue, Scrabble, and Monopoly. As I got older (my 20s and 30s), winning became less important, but it was still the reason for playing. After my daughter started getting old enough to play, I wanted her to win.

Then one day I had an epiphany. My daughter was probably six or seven years old. She was getting frustrated with the way the game was going. As I watched her emotions build, I thought, “What’s the purpose of playing this game?” It hit me. This was supposed to be fun!! If we weren’t having fun, could we just stop playing and do something else? Was it legal to just quit a game before somebody won? I decided to give it a try. The result? My daughter and I were both happier!

I took this newfound freedom a step further. I became open to changing the rules of different games. Why can’t every turn in Pictionary be an “all play?” It’s no fun just sitting there and watching the other team draw and guess.

Yesterday, I had another epiphany. Could these same ideas be applied to life in general?? What if life is not about “winning” but instead is about having fun? And that we can stop or change those parts that aren’t fun? Are the “rules of success” that we’re taught meant to be shaped to our own needs?

I’ve heard from and read about people who’ve rediscovered their values and priorities during these days of immense uncertainty, social distancing, and working from home. Some have commented on how they actually want to keep some of the changes. Maybe for some, it’s living at a slower pace, spending more time with family, or finding more balance. For many of us, this is a time of reinvention. Why not reinvent a life that we like even better?

As we move through the next phases of “new normals,” what things could you stop or change to make your life more fun and enjoyable?

If you’re an optimist; if you expect things to go your way, if you expect good things will happen, if you give other people the benefit of the doubt, I guarantee there are times you will be disappointed. You will be frustrated, discouraged, and maybe even mad.

Life is unfair! Bad things happen. Other people treat us unfairly. If something can go wrong, it sometimes does. If you keep your expectations and your hopes low, you will be disappointed less often. Pessimists or even realists avoid being let down, mislead, or used as often as optimists. Optimism is full of pitfalls!

But . . .

When I’m optimistic; when I believe the future is bright and there is abundance and people are good; when I believe that there can be silver linings in even the darkest clouds, I feel happier and more enthusiastic. I have more motivation and energy for my business and my life. I am more patient, generous, and understanding of others. I feel better emotionally, mentally, and physically. Life is easier and more enjoyable.

You could say that optimists pay a price. For me, the price is well worth it!!

Yet, there are still times I still fall into pessimism, into a mindset of scarcity, of protecting myself, of mistrust. Sometimes it’s warranted. But many times it comes from unnecessary anxiety and worries. Sometimes I “catch” it from other people. I try to notice when this happens, but it can be difficult.

Here are a few ideas to make optimism a little easier.

Spend time with optimistic friends.
Remember or journal about a time when a situation went really well. (This can be challenging because we’re wired to ignore it when things go well.)
Imagine what it would feel like to be optimistic. Imagine what you would be thinking and how it would feel physically and mentally.
Envision a future situation turning out exactly as you want. Think about each detail and what would go right.

Pessimists are right; things do go wrong, people mistreat us, and life can be hard. But I want a life filled with more hope and happiness. I’m willing to pay the price. How about you?

Because of the lock-down and social distancing, I’ve definitely noticed how much I miss other people. And that’s coming from an introvert! I can’t imagine how tough this must be for my highly extroverted friends. (I’m sending you virtual hugs…)

This made me think about all the VIPs (very important people) in my life, now and in the past, who’ve encouraged me, supported me, believed in me, cared about me, and helped me in so many ways. So I started making a list. It was easy to think of friends and family who are an important part of my life today. But then I also thought back to different parts of my life and the people who made an impact on me. School, college, different jobs, different friends and neighbors, and more. The list was getting long.

As I sat back and read through the many names, I noticed I was feeling incredibly grateful!! I was also enjoying several fond memories. What a boost to my mood!

I’ve learned how important our social connections are to our physical and emotional health. As a species, we need other people in our lives (even introverts like me). So it’s important to nurture these relationships with phone calls, emails, messages, video platforms like Skype or Facetime, and even handwritten notes when we can’t see them in person.

Another way we can benefit from our VIPs is to spend time thinking about them. Try making a list and see how you feel. Keep your list somewhere handy and read through it for another boost. You might even remember someone you want to reach out to with a note.