C. JoyBell C.'s Blog, page 57
November 2, 2011
I find...
I find no importance in showing others that I am happy; it's not important to me that they know or think that I am happy but what is important to me is that I am happy. I am interested in being happy, not in making others think or know that I am.
– C. JoyBell C.
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– C. JoyBell C.
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November 1, 2011
The Nature Of Fear
I just wrote this today. It being Halloween and seeing every horror film known to man flash on the t.v. screen as I scan my television channels, I found the chance to sit down with my son Gilead, in front of a horror film, and explain fear to him, explaining the mechanisms of fear while watching it. I put the t.v. on mute and I showed him that we're not actually afraid of what we're seeing on the screen, but we're afraid of what we're hearing, because of the emotions evoked by the frightening sound track. My talk with him flowed and as we finished our discussion, the t.v. was off and we weren't even the least bit interested in turning it back on again; we were more interested in having discussed the nature of fear. This is something that I want to share with all of you. I didn't plan to write any such thing, but it happened, and so I hope that you will benefit from the writing below.
I used to battle fear as if it was a troll on my back. I would have actual panic attacks and couldn't even stand up! During that time, I got to know fear very well (how it smells, how it moves, how it rears it's ugly head). I want to share my knowledge of fear with you, during this time that all the world is celebrating it.
Dear one,
The nature of fear is that it feeds off of the knowledge that you are afraid of it. Fear to you, cannot grow unless it starts from the smallest thing and then feeds off of the knowledge that you are afraid of that small thing it has presented to you and then it feeds off of that, growing into something a little bigger, then into something bigger than that, and so on and so forth. Think of it as a succession of steps. You have to take the first step in order to get to the second, the second in order to get to the third, and its a lot of steps before you get to the top and become so consumed by fear that it's actually capable of paralyzing you.
The key is peace. An immoveable inner peace. Peace is a deep, permanent lake inside of your soul that is always still and calm no matter what may be going on around it. The eye of the storm. That immoveable, deep lake is always there no matter what, but if you don't know that it's there and if you don't believe in it, your battles with fear will always be futile, because one cannot combat fear with one's head. Fear is to be combated with the soul because it is a thing of the soul, it is not a thing of the material world. The truth is that, fear flees in the presence of peace that passes all understanding, peace is so much more powerful than fear, but you move away from that eternally serene lake the moment that you take that first step in the direction of fear. It begins with the smallest things, comparable to a tasty bait at the end of a fishing hook!
The answer to knowledge of the spiritual is not to seek out to understand evil, but it is to remain in peace. Remain is a strong word, it means that you are going to stay there with a choice to stay there; that means staying there no matter what. And the easiest way to lose your peace is by believing that you're not good enough to have it, because of all your humanly sins. Good for me, because I believe that I'm no longer accountable for any of my sins past present and future, because Someone made that ultimate sacrifice for me already, taking my place. No matter how human I am, I am worthy. I don't work to have peace, it's given to me, but I must choose to remain in it.
You must always remain in the peace that passes all understanding, remain in the eye of the storm, remember the deep, immoveable lake inside of your soul and when you do find this peace and dwell in it, I'm telling you right now, that you will have with you the greatest weapon of all!
xx
Bells
I used to battle fear as if it was a troll on my back. I would have actual panic attacks and couldn't even stand up! During that time, I got to know fear very well (how it smells, how it moves, how it rears it's ugly head). I want to share my knowledge of fear with you, during this time that all the world is celebrating it.
Dear one,
The nature of fear is that it feeds off of the knowledge that you are afraid of it. Fear to you, cannot grow unless it starts from the smallest thing and then feeds off of the knowledge that you are afraid of that small thing it has presented to you and then it feeds off of that, growing into something a little bigger, then into something bigger than that, and so on and so forth. Think of it as a succession of steps. You have to take the first step in order to get to the second, the second in order to get to the third, and its a lot of steps before you get to the top and become so consumed by fear that it's actually capable of paralyzing you.
The key is peace. An immoveable inner peace. Peace is a deep, permanent lake inside of your soul that is always still and calm no matter what may be going on around it. The eye of the storm. That immoveable, deep lake is always there no matter what, but if you don't know that it's there and if you don't believe in it, your battles with fear will always be futile, because one cannot combat fear with one's head. Fear is to be combated with the soul because it is a thing of the soul, it is not a thing of the material world. The truth is that, fear flees in the presence of peace that passes all understanding, peace is so much more powerful than fear, but you move away from that eternally serene lake the moment that you take that first step in the direction of fear. It begins with the smallest things, comparable to a tasty bait at the end of a fishing hook!
The answer to knowledge of the spiritual is not to seek out to understand evil, but it is to remain in peace. Remain is a strong word, it means that you are going to stay there with a choice to stay there; that means staying there no matter what. And the easiest way to lose your peace is by believing that you're not good enough to have it, because of all your humanly sins. Good for me, because I believe that I'm no longer accountable for any of my sins past present and future, because Someone made that ultimate sacrifice for me already, taking my place. No matter how human I am, I am worthy. I don't work to have peace, it's given to me, but I must choose to remain in it.
You must always remain in the peace that passes all understanding, remain in the eye of the storm, remember the deep, immoveable lake inside of your soul and when you do find this peace and dwell in it, I'm telling you right now, that you will have with you the greatest weapon of all!
xx
Bells
October 31, 2011
Ends are...
Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don't really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren't really an ending; some things are never-ending.
– C. JoyBell C.
– C. JoyBell C.
A Moveable Banquet
My greatest fear in life, is that I might forget to live in my pursuit and desire to write. I read about other authors who say that writing IS living and without writing, there is no life. But writing isn't living, writing is only a by-product of living, that is what I think. Henry David Thoreau once said: "How vain it is to sit down and write, when you have not stood up to live." and that quote resonates with me as an author; I think that through many various pieces, I have expressed my lust for life and my fear of losing life to the act of writing. I see too many authors spending 15 hours a day (or more) dedicated to writing, promoting themselves, marketing their work, building their name and it scares me because I don't want to become like that. They say that is the path that needs to be taken in order to become a successful author, but I doubt that nature of success. Is it really success when you forget your original dream in the race of fulfilling other people's expectations? Is it really success if it doesn't make you happy?
You will understand more of how I feel, while reading this short piece below, the first of others I have recently written that are similar to it in expressing the same sentiments...
A Moveable Banquet
If I write two hundred books, and through those books I give many people windows from which to jump out of and begin living, yet in doing so I have forgotten my own life; I will not consider myself to be successful. But it is when I reflect upon myself in a living, breathing, illuminated moment that I will catch a true glimpse of who I am and I will say "I am a success. I am alive. I am living."
I don't want to be standing on the sidewalk watching my life go by like a train bound for Rome, no! I want to be on that train, I want to live my life, every minute of it. This is my train, these are my tracks. I will stop at living gardens and succulent vineyards, flourishing festivals and dancing carnivals! And I will fill this train with all of my bounty! Wherever I am, there is a moveable banquet! Prepared and laden for me! I will not take one step towards the direction of the sidewalk, I don't want to miss even a single moment of this train ride, of this festival, of this moveable banquet!
Copyright © 2011 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.
You will understand more of how I feel, while reading this short piece below, the first of others I have recently written that are similar to it in expressing the same sentiments...
A Moveable Banquet
If I write two hundred books, and through those books I give many people windows from which to jump out of and begin living, yet in doing so I have forgotten my own life; I will not consider myself to be successful. But it is when I reflect upon myself in a living, breathing, illuminated moment that I will catch a true glimpse of who I am and I will say "I am a success. I am alive. I am living."
I don't want to be standing on the sidewalk watching my life go by like a train bound for Rome, no! I want to be on that train, I want to live my life, every minute of it. This is my train, these are my tracks. I will stop at living gardens and succulent vineyards, flourishing festivals and dancing carnivals! And I will fill this train with all of my bounty! Wherever I am, there is a moveable banquet! Prepared and laden for me! I will not take one step towards the direction of the sidewalk, I don't want to miss even a single moment of this train ride, of this festival, of this moveable banquet!
Copyright © 2011 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.
October 28, 2011
Learning How To Be Selfish
As many of you already know, I was away for a week with an injured arm. Over that course of time, I wrote many things that are very reflective and explorative in nature. I always say that my writings are not immediately reflective of the current situation of my soul, but I must say that the pieces I've written over the past week are. I'm happy to share with you my most recent writings and I will stretch them over the next coming days or week/s; I hope that you will be able to place yourselves in the middle of the stained glass window, and watch the colors transpire and reflect from either side of it.
Since the beginning, the description of me as an author has been the one who "strives to live life for herself and not for others" and I think that in reading this writing, you will be able to finally understand what that means.
Learning How To Be Selfish
Most people have to learn how to give, learn how to share. I, on the other hand, must teach myself to stop giving, to stop sharing.
People always wanted to come to me with their problems, come to me in search of a shoulder to cry on. They didn't really want a friend, they just wanted someone to take all the bad away for them. Then I decided I didn't want to be that shoulder anymore. And people have many good things to say about the generous and the selfless: "She's such a good person", "She's the sweetest soul" and etc. But do I live my life for the praises of other people? Do I live in order to reap praises from others? They say it is a virtue to be completely selfless, but is it a virtue, really? Is being selfless a virtue when in the end we are only responsible for ourselves and our children?
In the eyes of God, you are responsible for yourself and for your children. So who are we working for, when we want to count ourselves as accountable for everyone around us?
I know that there are many of those who are incapable of caring for others in a truly dense, deep, definitive way. If you have no deep and lasting affection for other people, don't read this because this is not written for you! But this is written for those who are like me, those who strive to learn how to be selfish!
A simple human life is extremely precious, overwhelmingly special. Just the thought that one little bullet could end a life, is excruciatingly painful of a thought to me. I feel the pain of a nation, I feel the pain of the wounded, I feel the pain of the dying, the sick, and the hurting. I feel, because I am also made of flesh and blood. Do I feel for honor, for respect, for a name? No. I feel because I am.
Nevertheless, if I am able to bless the lives of a million people but I am not there to bless the life of my own son, I have failed. If I am able to warm the hearts of a hundred and thousand individuals but the heart of my own child is cold, I count myself as a failure. If I change the world and at the end of my life while I lie in bed I cannot remember being madly in love and smiling, I will die considering myself a failure.
They tell me to store up my treasures in Heaven, but I don't believe that means denying me of myself. Why must Heaven have nothing to do with me and what I am? Why must I be nonexistent in order for me to get there? And why would I want to go to a place that has no part in me? Surely, I want to go to a place that knows me, a place that I am part of. So if I am not even worth anything as I am, then why I am here? If I'm supposed to be in Heaven, then why am I on earth? I don't believe in performing oaths and harvesting praises in order to "achieve" Heaven. Things are not achieved, things are freely given. What can we really achieve, anyway? If our life was not given to us, we wouldn't even be here in the first place. No– but ours is a journey into ourselves, a walk with God every day! Ours is a book that we write, a smile, a love, a tear, a lust, an awakening, a learning, a joy, a laughter, a memory, a dream, a vision, a love, a love, a love and a love. Our life is now. And Heaven is always there, but this life isn't always there, but this life isn't always here. Heaven is always there for us but this life is a gift to us!
So I will be sure to live my life for me. And for the ones I love and who love me, for without them, I am a flesh and a blood unconnected! A ship with no anchor, an isle that floats endlessly. And with every drop of blood in me, I will desire to live and to love... to remember all of my loves and my love and the smiles that they gave to me.
Copyright © 2011 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.
Since the beginning, the description of me as an author has been the one who "strives to live life for herself and not for others" and I think that in reading this writing, you will be able to finally understand what that means.
Learning How To Be Selfish
Most people have to learn how to give, learn how to share. I, on the other hand, must teach myself to stop giving, to stop sharing.
People always wanted to come to me with their problems, come to me in search of a shoulder to cry on. They didn't really want a friend, they just wanted someone to take all the bad away for them. Then I decided I didn't want to be that shoulder anymore. And people have many good things to say about the generous and the selfless: "She's such a good person", "She's the sweetest soul" and etc. But do I live my life for the praises of other people? Do I live in order to reap praises from others? They say it is a virtue to be completely selfless, but is it a virtue, really? Is being selfless a virtue when in the end we are only responsible for ourselves and our children?
In the eyes of God, you are responsible for yourself and for your children. So who are we working for, when we want to count ourselves as accountable for everyone around us?
I know that there are many of those who are incapable of caring for others in a truly dense, deep, definitive way. If you have no deep and lasting affection for other people, don't read this because this is not written for you! But this is written for those who are like me, those who strive to learn how to be selfish!
A simple human life is extremely precious, overwhelmingly special. Just the thought that one little bullet could end a life, is excruciatingly painful of a thought to me. I feel the pain of a nation, I feel the pain of the wounded, I feel the pain of the dying, the sick, and the hurting. I feel, because I am also made of flesh and blood. Do I feel for honor, for respect, for a name? No. I feel because I am.
Nevertheless, if I am able to bless the lives of a million people but I am not there to bless the life of my own son, I have failed. If I am able to warm the hearts of a hundred and thousand individuals but the heart of my own child is cold, I count myself as a failure. If I change the world and at the end of my life while I lie in bed I cannot remember being madly in love and smiling, I will die considering myself a failure.
They tell me to store up my treasures in Heaven, but I don't believe that means denying me of myself. Why must Heaven have nothing to do with me and what I am? Why must I be nonexistent in order for me to get there? And why would I want to go to a place that has no part in me? Surely, I want to go to a place that knows me, a place that I am part of. So if I am not even worth anything as I am, then why I am here? If I'm supposed to be in Heaven, then why am I on earth? I don't believe in performing oaths and harvesting praises in order to "achieve" Heaven. Things are not achieved, things are freely given. What can we really achieve, anyway? If our life was not given to us, we wouldn't even be here in the first place. No– but ours is a journey into ourselves, a walk with God every day! Ours is a book that we write, a smile, a love, a tear, a lust, an awakening, a learning, a joy, a laughter, a memory, a dream, a vision, a love, a love, a love and a love. Our life is now. And Heaven is always there, but this life isn't always there, but this life isn't always here. Heaven is always there for us but this life is a gift to us!
So I will be sure to live my life for me. And for the ones I love and who love me, for without them, I am a flesh and a blood unconnected! A ship with no anchor, an isle that floats endlessly. And with every drop of blood in me, I will desire to live and to love... to remember all of my loves and my love and the smiles that they gave to me.
Copyright © 2011 C. JoyBell C. All rights reserved.
October 19, 2011
from page 35
"Si WWII ne peut pas nous prendre, elle~même le diable en personne ne pourra nous joindre! ( IF WWII COULDN'T TAKE US DOWN, NOT EVEN THE DEVIL HERSELF CAN TOUCH US! )"
– Amaury Babin (Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948, page 35 )
– Amaury Babin (Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948, page 35 )
from page 101
"Lucy seemed to be imprisoned by a legion of people in her life who always wanted what was right for her. And as a result, in the eyes of everyone, she had everything... and yet she always, always felt she had nothing. No one."
– Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948, page 101
– Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948, page 101
October 17, 2011
It's time...
It's time that I stop referring to myself, thinking about myself, planning for myself, according to the gridlines and the timelines and the guidelines of people. I will expand in this universe, I will not stay on the lines nor within the lines written by this world.
– C. JoyBell C.
– C. JoyBell C.
October 16, 2011
Yes, you...
Yes, you are all beautiful miracles! But I– I am a beautiful myth!
– C. JoyBell C.
– C. JoyBell C.
from page 41
"You can see the whole entire world in the eyes of a person who knows how to simply stand there and take all of it into him but then you can look into the eyes of someone else and the whole entire world goes away and all that's left is you."
― Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948, page 41
― Saint Paul Trois Châteaux: 1948, page 41
