Beth Labonte's Blog, page 15

It's a treadmill! It's a desk! It's a treadmill desk! It's over two thousand dollars! And much to my dismay, this ridiculous looking piece of office furniture actually receives rave reviews all across the Internet. 





It's like nobody has realized they should be making fun of it. To remedy the situation, I've made up (and then answered myself) some very informative Treadmill Desk Q&A's:

Question: One of the best parts of an office job is that I get to sit on my ass all day. Why would I possibly want to change this? 

Answer: It is important to get at least 30 minutes of exercise each day. By using The Treadmill Desk, which has absolutely no place to put a chair, you will now get 8 straight hours of exercise per day. 

Question: Yes, but as a human being with physical limitations, I would probably collapse after, say, one hour. 

Answer: In case of collapse, The Treadmill Desk comes equipped with a magnetic safety clip. 

Question: Okay, but I'm a woman who likes to wear high heels to the office. Now what? 

Answer: Just switch to unattractive brown sandals like the woman in the picture. She feels energetic already. Another popular option is wearing a dress skirt with white socks and gym sneakers. You've probably seen this look on women in the city racing for the train.  

Question: I find it hard enough to read the closed captioning on an episode of 7th Heaven while I'm running on the treadmill at the gym. How do you expect me to get actual work done with all that up & down motion? 

Answer: You are not supposed to run on The Treadmill Desk. That would be stupid. You are supposed to walk slowly, at 1 mph, for 8 hours straight. Duh. 

Question: But won't my co-workers laugh at me? 

Answer: Yes. They will also be $2,000 richer than you. 

Question: Can I stop for lunch? 

Answer: Only if you walk by a Subway. 

Question: I noticed that a mouse, keyboard, and monitor are not included. Are there any other items that are not included? 

Answer: A giant fist punching you in the stomach for being such a tool is not included. However, one will be provided by the guy in the next cubicle. 

I could go on and on. But I suppose if you're that interested in getting exercise, who am I and my unused gym membership to judge? In fact, I encourage all employees to spend their hard earned cash on one of these as soon as possible.

It's a win-win: You get your exercise, and I'll laugh my ass off. 




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Read this and similar office humor articles at The Collared Sheep

Just parked in front of Starbucks and blew my nose into a Dunkin Donuts napkin.

"What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer." ~ Doug Adams

"What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer." ~ Doug Adams 

Well folks, it's official.  Instead of only having boring old Donut Wednesday and Bagel Friday, we are now instituting No Bra Thursday and Wet T-Shirt Wednesday.   At least that's what I would be saying if I was Trudy Anderson from Utah County who is suing her ex-employer for suggesting that slightly inappropriate schedule of work attire.  Here are a few more reasons she's suing:


Repeatedly asked Ms. Anderson about her breast size and talked about her breasts in front of other employees.
Slapped Anderson on her buttocks and asked the woman for oral sex several times.
Offered the woman a recipe for "sex cake."
Told Anderson he was installing a shower so they could shower together.
Said he would "give her a mammogram for free" when she asked for time off to see the doctor.


This is all very reminiscent of Ashley Alford who was recently awarded 95 million dollars in damages after her boss put his penis on her head. You heard me.  I'm guessing these guys are no strangers to mace.




A word of advice to Ms. Anderson's employer, and to anyone else who thinks Tube Top Tuesday sounds like a good idea.  Have you ever been to a nude beach?  When I was on my honeymoon in Jamaica our hotel room just happened to overlook one, and I can tell you this - the majority of people who are ready and willing to take it all off, are usually gross.  So instill Bikini Top Friday if you'd like.  Not only will you get your ass sued off, but Sandy McMillan will be the only one who complies:

One of the most annoying tasks I have to do at my job is to mail out notifications to people who live close to the fast food restaurant that we're remodeling, just in case somebody objects. 



Us: Hi, we'd like to add more trees and outdoor seating to your local shitty fast food restaurant.

Neighbor: If you remove the Mayor McCheese jungle gym, I'll fucking kill you.



Only crazy people like that would have a problem with it.  So what possible way could there be to make this task even more revolting?  Aahhhhh yes, maybe if I used bacon flavored envelopes:

So, after thousands of years and kajillions of horrible tasting
envelopes licked, we're happy to report that J&D's Bacon-Flavored Mmmvelopes™ are here to save the day. No longer will envelopes taste
like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead.

Hey maybe it's good, I dunno.  I was also reluctant to try pineapple on my pizza, and now I'm a full fledged Hawaiian pizza eating machine.  But at least pineapple's, you know, made out of food.  So I think I'll just stick with glue flavor envelopes. 



Or, better yet, tape.





No thanks, I'll just chew on these envelopes. 

When I was a kid I loved my dollhouse.  But what I loved even more than the house and the dolls, were all the accessories: the little books, the little boxes of cereal, and the little loaves of bread to put on the table.  When I saw these bread paperclips from Small Idea on Etsy, that's exactly what they reminded me of:


I would love to have these if it weren't for the fact that they're way too nice to use at my office.  But at least they reminded me of the fun I used to have playing with these guys:
What?  Your dolls looked like humans?  Pffft!  I had Sylvanian Families raccoons, rabbits, and bears, and I'll have you know that they all got along splendidly in their one bedroom Colonial.

I've never heard of Bento before until I stumbled on this article from Parenting.com. In Japan, Bento is a single portion meal arranged in a box shaped container, that can also be elaborately designed to look like animals, flowers, cartoon characters, etc. It's a cool idea and beautiful to look at, but come on...who has this kind of time?

Take me, for example, who at ten o'clock at night exclaims "Shit! I forgot to make lunch for tomorrow!" Cut to the next morning when I'm throwing an entire package of turkey and a jar of mustard into a plastic bag to be assembled later at the office. Even harder to imagine is making one of these for each of your kids to take to school. Even if I was a stay at home mom, I think that by the end of the day, when the kids are finally in bed, I will have better things to do than stand in the kitchen shaping a slice of cheese into a lion's head and baby birds out of...of....whatever the heck that is. Mozzarella? 


In conclusion, I will never make these because a) I like to enjoy a wee bit of time to myself in the evening, and b) As a kid I remember my lunch ending up at the bottom of my backpack underneath 15 lbs of textbooks.

Thank you @officethingy for bringing this video to my attention.  Perhaps Bert missed his true calling as a secretary: