Beth Labonte's Blog, page 17
July 7, 2011
Four Ways to Survive the Summer While Stuck in a Cubicle
Everybody seems to be coming up with a list of ways to "survive the summer" while being stuck in a cubicle. And since I am a) stuck in a cubicle, and b) totally okay with stealing other people's ideas, I present you with my own list:
Four Ways to Survive the Summer While Stuck in a Cubicle
1. If you have younger friends and relatives who are still in school, do yourself a favor and hide them from your Facebook news feed. If you are like me, you spend a good part of your day reading people's useless status updates while you are pretending to work. The last thing that you need to see while trapped at your desk are pictures of tanned college kids frolicking at the beach in the middle of the God damned afternoon. Yeah, we know, you shop at Hollister. You'll just end up filled with rage, shouting "get a job!!!" at your iPhone while your boss walks by wondering what that blank Excel sheet did to upset you so much. It's best to just pretend that college kids don't exist. Rather than basking in rays of sunshine, you can instead bask in the thought that someday soon they will graduate and be as miserable as you are.
2. Get some good island-y music going. If my son didn't demand to listen to Could This Be Love on a loop during every car ride we take, I would probably be listening to Bob Marley right now. But there are plenty of other reggae artists out there and infinite Pandora stations to choose from. Or, if you don't like reggae, you can always make a playlist consisting of Kokomo and that Paris Hilton song from a few years ago. Remember, the one that made you want to kill yourself? Well now it's going to make you feel terrific. This kind of music will lighten your mood and make sorting that 3-foot stack of filing seem like you're building a sand castle. Or, if you're not delusional, it will make sorting that 3-foot stack of filing just a little less sucky.
3. Go out and get an ice coffee. I don't care if they give you diarrhea. GO OUT AND GET AN ICE COFFEE. They're delicious, they caffeine you up real nice, and unless you work at Google and there are ice coffee waterfalls literally cascading down the God damned corridors, it'll get you out of the office for a few minutes. Leave your purse at your desk and some kind of boring report up on your screen so nobody will notice that you're out. If you want to get fancy, I recommend a Coconut Mocha Frappuchino from Starbucks, or a Mocha Ice Coffee from Dunkin Donuts. And don't worry about the money. Remember, it's summer and getting an ice coffee is pretty much all that we have to live for. So spend it.
4. Take advantage of office road trips. Okay, yes, I turned down a drive into Boston last week. But me driving your precious delivery into Boston is the equivalent of me driving it straight into the Atlantic Ocean. Those roads are like the moving staircases at Hogwarts. But if something needs to be delivered anywhere else in the tri-state area, I'm all over it. One of the best work days I ever had was spent delivering plans to New Hampshire on a Friday afternoon in April. It was 75 degrees outside, I had my ice coffee (see above), I opened the sun roof, and I took a nice jaunt up I-495. Take your time. Fabricate traffic jams. However, stick to simple drop-off/pick-up road trips only. If the trip involves any kind of jerk caveat like "By the way, you have to first stop in Lawrence and get signatures from these three homeless guys," then simply pass the road trip along to an intern.
Four Ways to Survive the Summer While Stuck in a Cubicle
1. If you have younger friends and relatives who are still in school, do yourself a favor and hide them from your Facebook news feed. If you are like me, you spend a good part of your day reading people's useless status updates while you are pretending to work. The last thing that you need to see while trapped at your desk are pictures of tanned college kids frolicking at the beach in the middle of the God damned afternoon. Yeah, we know, you shop at Hollister. You'll just end up filled with rage, shouting "get a job!!!" at your iPhone while your boss walks by wondering what that blank Excel sheet did to upset you so much. It's best to just pretend that college kids don't exist. Rather than basking in rays of sunshine, you can instead bask in the thought that someday soon they will graduate and be as miserable as you are.
2. Get some good island-y music going. If my son didn't demand to listen to Could This Be Love on a loop during every car ride we take, I would probably be listening to Bob Marley right now. But there are plenty of other reggae artists out there and infinite Pandora stations to choose from. Or, if you don't like reggae, you can always make a playlist consisting of Kokomo and that Paris Hilton song from a few years ago. Remember, the one that made you want to kill yourself? Well now it's going to make you feel terrific. This kind of music will lighten your mood and make sorting that 3-foot stack of filing seem like you're building a sand castle. Or, if you're not delusional, it will make sorting that 3-foot stack of filing just a little less sucky.
3. Go out and get an ice coffee. I don't care if they give you diarrhea. GO OUT AND GET AN ICE COFFEE. They're delicious, they caffeine you up real nice, and unless you work at Google and there are ice coffee waterfalls literally cascading down the God damned corridors, it'll get you out of the office for a few minutes. Leave your purse at your desk and some kind of boring report up on your screen so nobody will notice that you're out. If you want to get fancy, I recommend a Coconut Mocha Frappuchino from Starbucks, or a Mocha Ice Coffee from Dunkin Donuts. And don't worry about the money. Remember, it's summer and getting an ice coffee is pretty much all that we have to live for. So spend it.
4. Take advantage of office road trips. Okay, yes, I turned down a drive into Boston last week. But me driving your precious delivery into Boston is the equivalent of me driving it straight into the Atlantic Ocean. Those roads are like the moving staircases at Hogwarts. But if something needs to be delivered anywhere else in the tri-state area, I'm all over it. One of the best work days I ever had was spent delivering plans to New Hampshire on a Friday afternoon in April. It was 75 degrees outside, I had my ice coffee (see above), I opened the sun roof, and I took a nice jaunt up I-495. Take your time. Fabricate traffic jams. However, stick to simple drop-off/pick-up road trips only. If the trip involves any kind of jerk caveat like "By the way, you have to first stop in Lawrence and get signatures from these three homeless guys," then simply pass the road trip along to an intern.
July 4, 2011
Free Book From Smashwords!
This month only you can get an Epub copy of my book, What Stays in Vegas, FREE from Smashwords! Just enter code SSWSF at checkout.
June 28, 2011
Always Something Kinda Gross at DD
June 23, 2011
Tear in Space-Time Continuum Linked to Incomplete Timesheets
Despite several friendly reminders issued throughout the day on Friday, not a single employee of Burke & Wagner, P.C. has bothered to complete their timesheet before leaving for the day, resulting in a potentially serious tear in the space-time continuum.
"Yep, that looks like your classic Schwarzchild wormhole," said head of Payroll, Michelle St. Pierre, shaking her head and crawling backwards out of the black, swirling, vortex located in the third floor IT supply closet. "Last time we had one of these was the day before Thanksgiving."
As twenty-seven somewhat bewildered employees from an alternate version of Burke & Wagner emerged from the wormhole, twenty-seven employees from the original version of Burke & Wagner emerged happily into the parking lot to begin their Fourth of July weekend.
Don't let this happen to your office
"They never take me seriously," said St. Pierre, ducking into her office to avoid running into the slightly thinner, twelve-toed, version of herself rounding the corner. "They're always too busy for timesheets. Well tell me this, how do they think they're going to get paid? And what do they think is holding together the fabric of the universe?"
It is a little known fact among the scientific community that failure to complete ones timesheet, particularly after receiving an email reminder with a clip art sun waving an American flag at the bottom, will cause the opening of a once thought impossible "traversable wormhole" that can be used to cross between universes. It will also cause HR to be super bitchy.
"If this happens again, I'm not sure our universe will survive it. Timesheets need to be completed by 5:00 p.m. on Fridays for a reason, no exceptions!" shouted St. Pierre as her office, both legs, and left arm flickered in and out of existence. "Well, except for Dave who showed up from Universe 176Q a few months back. He can't enter a timesheet with just a dorsal fin, but he turned out to be one hell of an engineer."
"Yep, that looks like your classic Schwarzchild wormhole," said head of Payroll, Michelle St. Pierre, shaking her head and crawling backwards out of the black, swirling, vortex located in the third floor IT supply closet. "Last time we had one of these was the day before Thanksgiving."
As twenty-seven somewhat bewildered employees from an alternate version of Burke & Wagner emerged from the wormhole, twenty-seven employees from the original version of Burke & Wagner emerged happily into the parking lot to begin their Fourth of July weekend.
Don't let this happen to your office"They never take me seriously," said St. Pierre, ducking into her office to avoid running into the slightly thinner, twelve-toed, version of herself rounding the corner. "They're always too busy for timesheets. Well tell me this, how do they think they're going to get paid? And what do they think is holding together the fabric of the universe?"
It is a little known fact among the scientific community that failure to complete ones timesheet, particularly after receiving an email reminder with a clip art sun waving an American flag at the bottom, will cause the opening of a once thought impossible "traversable wormhole" that can be used to cross between universes. It will also cause HR to be super bitchy.
"If this happens again, I'm not sure our universe will survive it. Timesheets need to be completed by 5:00 p.m. on Fridays for a reason, no exceptions!" shouted St. Pierre as her office, both legs, and left arm flickered in and out of existence. "Well, except for Dave who showed up from Universe 176Q a few months back. He can't enter a timesheet with just a dorsal fin, but he turned out to be one hell of an engineer."
June 22, 2011
Classy
June 14, 2011
Cookies
June 11, 2011
One of About a Thousand Great Quotes
From the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:
"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons." ~ Douglas Adams
"For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons." ~ Douglas Adams
June 9, 2011
Somehow I Manage
If you're a fan of The Office, you surely know about the management manual Michael Scott cleverly called "Somehow I Manage." You can actually read a few extremely short chapters of "Somehow I Manage" (and by chapters I mean paragraphs) on NBC's website.
I was reminded of this is because I was in my boss's office today and saw a book on his desk called "Don't Take the Last Donut: New Rules of Business Etiquette."
Me
Once I got past the sheer ludicrousness of not taking the last donut (Do we just stand around the last donut saying things to each other like "After you, sir," and "No, I couldn't possibly take that donut my good fellow," and "Please, YOU have it, I insist," until one of us gets a phone call and the group disperses and the last donut goes to waste? Fools!) I started wondering how many other business books have similarly stupid titles. I remembered seeing one at work called "Eat That Frog!" with the exclamation point and everything. A quick Google search tells me that the title is from a Mark Twain quote:
"If you eat a frog first thing in the morning that will probably be the worst thing you do all day."
That's actually a pretty good quote, and I like Mark Twain, so let me stop making fun of it and get on with making fun of other books that I haven't put any effort into researching:
Poke the Box
Unfolding the Napkin
Who Says Elephants Can't Dance
Juggling Elephants
Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite
The No Asshole Rule
Fish!
Whale Done!
Now let me come up with a few of my own:
Smelling Your Cubicle
Help! I Spilled Gatorade on my Pants!
Some Enjoy Marmalade
Rollerblading Douchebags
Bringing Back the Bowl Cut
Work First, Self Last
If you think up any of your own, please post them below. Whale done everybody!
I was reminded of this is because I was in my boss's office today and saw a book on his desk called "Don't Take the Last Donut: New Rules of Business Etiquette."
Me
Once I got past the sheer ludicrousness of not taking the last donut (Do we just stand around the last donut saying things to each other like "After you, sir," and "No, I couldn't possibly take that donut my good fellow," and "Please, YOU have it, I insist," until one of us gets a phone call and the group disperses and the last donut goes to waste? Fools!) I started wondering how many other business books have similarly stupid titles. I remembered seeing one at work called "Eat That Frog!" with the exclamation point and everything. A quick Google search tells me that the title is from a Mark Twain quote:"If you eat a frog first thing in the morning that will probably be the worst thing you do all day."
That's actually a pretty good quote, and I like Mark Twain, so let me stop making fun of it and get on with making fun of other books that I haven't put any effort into researching:
Poke the Box
Unfolding the Napkin
Who Says Elephants Can't Dance
Juggling Elephants
Whatever You Think, Think the Opposite
The No Asshole Rule
Fish!
Whale Done!
Now let me come up with a few of my own:
Smelling Your Cubicle
Help! I Spilled Gatorade on my Pants!
Some Enjoy Marmalade
Rollerblading Douchebags
Bringing Back the Bowl Cut
Work First, Self Last
If you think up any of your own, please post them below. Whale done everybody!
June 2, 2011
What Stays in Vegas
My first full length novel, What Stays in Vegas, is now available for 99 cents for Kindle, Nook, and Sony Reader:
Nook
Kindle
Sony Reader
Description
Bored administrative assistant, Tessa Golden, is trapped in a life of lousy weather, irritating bosses, and mind-numbing secretarial work. Her dreams of being an artist have rapidly deteriorated into building things out of paperclips while on hold with tech support.
To make matters even worse, the love of her life has gone off and married another woman.
So when Tessa is suddenly transferred to the Las Vegas branch of her company – playing wingwoman to her freshly divorced boss, juggling a client from hell, and catching the eye of one very eligible coworker – will her life finally be shaken up enough to straighten itself out?
An Excerpt
I stood looking up at the giant wall of reflective glass, tilting my head back as far as it could go to see to the very top of 1414 Howard Hughes Parkway. Palm trees lined the walkway leading into the home of Flamhauser-Geist's Las Vegas branch, which occupied three levels of this gorgeous architectural monstrosity. Nothing was visible through the windows. No desks, no photocopiers, no conference rooms full of stressed out engineers. All that could be seen from the outside of the building was the reflection of palm trees swaying peacefully in the breeze, as if the inside did not exist. I caught my own reflection in the first floor windows, staring up in awe like an uncouth hillbilly, but for the moment I didn't care. They don't often make buildings like this back home, and when they do they certainly don't reflect palm trees and sunshine. Working behind that glass, it seemed, could be nothing less than magnificent. I was lucky to be able to walk down this pathway each day, to pass by sand and cactus, and never catch a reflection of myself looking bedraggled and miserable from the rain or snow.
I smoothed out the new outfit that I'd bought during my shopping trip on Sunday – sky blue blouse, black skirt, zebra print heels. One paycheck down, six to go. Hey, first impressions are important, right? And to my delight, my sunburn had developed into quite a nice little tan. I was looking good and feeling ready to take on the role of Administrative Assistant to not only the manager of this branch, but also the daughter of Mr. Sean Flamhauser. This was a man who had grown up in the slums of Boston, graduated in the top of his class at Northeastern University, and became co-founder of one of the most respected civil engineering firms in the country. I felt every bit the hot shot as I walked through the front doors and immediately tripped over the carpet.
Nook
Kindle
Sony Reader
Description
Bored administrative assistant, Tessa Golden, is trapped in a life of lousy weather, irritating bosses, and mind-numbing secretarial work. Her dreams of being an artist have rapidly deteriorated into building things out of paperclips while on hold with tech support.
To make matters even worse, the love of her life has gone off and married another woman.
So when Tessa is suddenly transferred to the Las Vegas branch of her company – playing wingwoman to her freshly divorced boss, juggling a client from hell, and catching the eye of one very eligible coworker – will her life finally be shaken up enough to straighten itself out?
An Excerpt
I stood looking up at the giant wall of reflective glass, tilting my head back as far as it could go to see to the very top of 1414 Howard Hughes Parkway. Palm trees lined the walkway leading into the home of Flamhauser-Geist's Las Vegas branch, which occupied three levels of this gorgeous architectural monstrosity. Nothing was visible through the windows. No desks, no photocopiers, no conference rooms full of stressed out engineers. All that could be seen from the outside of the building was the reflection of palm trees swaying peacefully in the breeze, as if the inside did not exist. I caught my own reflection in the first floor windows, staring up in awe like an uncouth hillbilly, but for the moment I didn't care. They don't often make buildings like this back home, and when they do they certainly don't reflect palm trees and sunshine. Working behind that glass, it seemed, could be nothing less than magnificent. I was lucky to be able to walk down this pathway each day, to pass by sand and cactus, and never catch a reflection of myself looking bedraggled and miserable from the rain or snow.
I smoothed out the new outfit that I'd bought during my shopping trip on Sunday – sky blue blouse, black skirt, zebra print heels. One paycheck down, six to go. Hey, first impressions are important, right? And to my delight, my sunburn had developed into quite a nice little tan. I was looking good and feeling ready to take on the role of Administrative Assistant to not only the manager of this branch, but also the daughter of Mr. Sean Flamhauser. This was a man who had grown up in the slums of Boston, graduated in the top of his class at Northeastern University, and became co-founder of one of the most respected civil engineering firms in the country. I felt every bit the hot shot as I walked through the front doors and immediately tripped over the carpet.
