Beth Labonte's Blog, page 9

Did they use pink soap to write the note too?  

IT professional of eleven years, Chuck Brennan, 44, was in the middle of a complex firewall installation on Thursday, when asked if he wouldn't mind putting together the new bookcase that just came in, when he gets a chance.

Brennan, who has neither the experience nor the desire to perform the degrading manual labor often asked of him, is unsure where exactly in his job description it says that he's the office fucking handyman.

"I have a Master's Degree in Information Technology" stated Brennan, gesturing toward the multitude of framed certificates displayed on his cubicle walls.  "But because I'm over forty, wear jeans to work, and made the mistake of mentioning a fleeting interest in Big Buck Hunter, people suddenly think I want to help them clear out the storage room."

The bookcase, which Brennan barely even knows how to get out of the God damned box, requires the use of a wrench - a tool that everybody assumes he has because "he's got all sorts of plugs and stuff over there."

"A wrench, yeah I've got a wrench," said Brennan, setting aside the fate of company security so that office manager, Shannon Cresley, will have somewhere to stick her binders.  "I had to buy a wrench last month when they assumed I knew how to fix a pipe in the break room sink."

"Thank God for eHow," he added.

In addition to maintaining network servers, performing daily backups of critical company files, and training the entire worthless organization on the use of Microsoft Office 2010, Brennan has also been able to add "vacuuming up rodent droppings" and "figuring out why it's fifty degrees on this side of the office, but hot as hell on the other side" to his resume.

"It's cool though," said Brennan, hammering the last nail into the company's new bookcase/proverbial coffin.  "Come Monday, when my latest Trojan is running buck wild through their wide open network like a pack of rabid hyenas, we'll just see who has the time to assemble furniture."

"Or, you know, go to lunch."

This cracked me up....it's a modern day interpretation of Lord of the Rings by Noelle Stevenson, an illustration major at Maryland Institute College of Art:








The hobbits are hipsters, the Nazgul are on bikes, and here is Saruman tweeting to Sauron on his laptop:


I love what you can find on a random Google search. 

January 3, 2012 - At precisely 9:37 a.m., amidst whispered words of encouragement from conference call participants, the first corporate jargon of the new year was quietly welcomed into the world by Boartman Consulting Project Manager, Peter Holloway, 36.

"Look," said Holloway, speaking to Director of Marketing for Taco Bell's Northeast Division, Ryan Berkley. "I'm not sure if an Asian fusion breakfast Chalupa is going to be in your best interest at this time of year. But, you know, we'll run it up the flagpole."

As soon as the adorable bundle of brainless mumbo jumbo made its way into the world, Holloway slumped back in his chair - clearly exhausted - while secretary, Amber Goldstein, wiped the sweat from his brow.

"I'm just so, so, lucky to have been able to share in this today," said Amber, her eyes growing damp with thoughts of the overused miracle she just witnessed. "I know these sayings happen every day, sometimes up to three times in one sentence, but there is just something special about the first one of the new year."

This was a joyous event for employees of Boartman Consulting, as the first hackneyed gibberish of 2011 did not appear until January 5th, after complications arose and an emergency team meeting needed to be held.

"It was pretty touch and go back in '11," said last year's proud Account Manager, Todd Berger, 47. "I was a few days overdue and I thought maybe I just didn't have the strength to bring a new stale colloquialism into the world. But with lots of meaningless PowerPoint slides, several cups of coffee, and two lines of coke in the men's room, 'fail to plan and plan to fail' made its way into the world at a healthy seven syllables."

As the proud spurter of this year's New Year's jargon, Holloway will receive an extra shitload of work, plus a minimum of six abusive status update telephone calls from the client.

"Nobody said it would be easy," said Holloway, reclining in his leather desk chair and sucking on ice chips. "But it's the only way to ensure that our race of uninspired, insipid, drivel continues for generations to come. If we didn't do it, the world might be left with nothing but original thoughts and ideas."

As employees excitedly pressed their faces up to the glass door of Holloway's office, taking photos and waving teddy bears, Goldstein gently closed the blinds in order to allow her boss some much needed rest.

"Beautiful, simply beautiful," said receptionist, Marge Anderson, 64, reluctantly returning to her desk. "What better time to recycle the same old bullshit phrases you've been using for the past three decades, than at the start of a brand new year?"

I find little in this world more frustrating and humbling than trying to detach the end of a roll of commercial toilet paper. One is left weeping and pantless beside a pile of one ply shards.

"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end… because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing… this shadow. Even darkness must pass." - LoTR

There was a dark time in my life when I didn't even know what a hobbit was. And I had never heard of a Bilbo. Thank goodness that shadow has passed.

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Can more than one thing be the "last" thing that you feel like doing? Because I've got a whole list of them at work today.

After twenty-five minutes in front of the gift card display at her local Stop & Shop, Annabeth Miller is still undecided on which shitty $5 gift cards to purchase her coworkers for Christmas.

"My cube neighbor, Jim, he never has time for lunch," said Miller. "So I thought I could get him one to McDonald's. It won't cover a full value meal, but that's the beauty of it. If he just wants to grab a snack wrap or something off the dollar menu, this will be perfect."

"And Melanie and Marjorie are always drinking coffee, so I thought I'd get them each one to Starbucks." Miller plucked two cards from the display, then quickly swapped them back for two Dunkin Donuts cards. "No, these are better. If they use it for a coffee at Dunkin they could probably also be able to afford a donut. Probably not a muffin though." Miller stared thoughtfully at the gift cards for an additional fifteen seconds before hanging them back up on the rack as well.

"You know, I did see some cute Santa mugs that are filled with hard candies over on the seasonal aisle. A cup of coffee only lasts a few hours, but those they'd be able to eat for a long time," said Miller, shuffling off to the seasonal aisle and returning with two tacky Santa mugs filled with an unappealing assortment of root beer and butterscotch flavored lozenges. 
The most wonderful time of the yearShe then proceeded to swap the McDonald's gift card for Sonic, Coldstone, Sonic again, Chipotle, Rite-Aid, and Subway, in that order, before putting them all back and grabbing a plain blue beer koozie out of the Manager's Special bin. "Maybe I'll just get Jim one of these. I mean, he doesn't even leave the fucking office."

While she was at it, Miller also grabbed worthless $5 gift cards for her hairdresser, nail technician, and mailman, stating that "everybody loves eBay," before changing her mind and exchanging them all for Taco Bells because "you can also use those at KFC."

"God, I almost forgot about Susan," said Miller, speaking of Susan Warner, her long-time coworker and confidante. "Susan and I have had so many meaningful talks over the years - I really want to make her five dollars special. I was thinking Red Lobster." Miller eagerly searched the display rack for the familiar red crustacean logo, only to be met with a "This item is temporarily out of stock" placard hanging solemnly in its place.

"That's a real shame," lamented Miller. "I don't know how I would get through each day without Susan to confide in." Upon being informed that there were plenty of $15 Red Lobster gift cards available, Miller simply laughed.

"You're funny," she added, her fingers accidentally grazing a $10 Amazon gift card before snatching a plastic snowman filled with M&M's from a nearby shelf. "One time the vending machine gave Susan a bag of M&M's instead of an Almond Joy. She made a bunch of jokes about how it was the 'final blow to her crushed spirits' since Almond Joy is her favorite. So this will be hilarious. Yeah, I'm going to get her this, and maybe I'll grab a nice card on the way out."

After fifteen more minutes of debate, Miller was spotted filling her basket with travel-sized body lotions before abandoning all the gifts in a Pepperidge Farm display on aisle six.