Beth Labonte's Blog, page 8
May 10, 2012
Nation’s Moms Glad You Have Nice Office Job
According to a study released by the United States Department of Labor, and longtime confidante and neighbor, Barbara Heffernan, the nation’s moms are just so glad that you found yourself a nice office job.
Over 85 million moms were very concerned that you might end up like your cousin, Ben Foster, who is too busy working as a famous Hollywood actor to call home very often. It’s not as if they’re asking to hear his life story. But would it be a crime to call and say hello and maybe ask about his father?
While the souls of the nation’s children are being slowly crushed by tedium and poorly ventilated office space, the nation’s moms have had a huge weight lifted from their shoulders.
“This is Marvin,” gushed local mom of thirty-six years, Donna Porcello, energetically passing a photo around 9:00 a.m. Zumba class. “He’s an accountant. It’s wonderful, just wonderful. He writes me on the email at least twice a day.”
The nation’s moms don’t want to tell you this, but they breathed a huge collective sigh of relief when you decided that you would just stay here, rather than leave and have to hear them complain about it for the rest of your life.
“Sure, we had a bit of a scare during David’s last year of college,” nodded Joan Nash, 65, from her place in line at J.C. Penney. “He mentioned something about using his Archaeology degree to go on this ridiculous “dig” of ancient Rome. Thank God my friend Mary was able to pull some strings and get him that position at the state offices.”
When asked if sacrificing the opportunity of a lifetime for a 10 x 12 foot office and thirty minutes for lunch, local son, David Nash, refused to comment.
“Oh please,” added Joan. “He probably would have strained himself with one of those shovels.”
While the nation’s children may argue that “that’s not the point,” the nation’s moms remain adamant that choosing a nice office job, with excellent benefits and a thirty-two minute commute, really makes the most sense at this time in your life. Especially if you're planning to start a family soon.
“We just want you to be happy, safe, and nowhere near icy roads, criminals, or airplanes,” said spokeswoman for all mothers, Nancy Hunt. “I mean, unless you decided to become a doctor like we originally asked you to, an office job is everything a mother could have hoped for.”
Over 85 million moms were very concerned that you might end up like your cousin, Ben Foster, who is too busy working as a famous Hollywood actor to call home very often. It’s not as if they’re asking to hear his life story. But would it be a crime to call and say hello and maybe ask about his father?
While the souls of the nation’s children are being slowly crushed by tedium and poorly ventilated office space, the nation’s moms have had a huge weight lifted from their shoulders.
“This is Marvin,” gushed local mom of thirty-six years, Donna Porcello, energetically passing a photo around 9:00 a.m. Zumba class. “He’s an accountant. It’s wonderful, just wonderful. He writes me on the email at least twice a day.”
The nation’s moms don’t want to tell you this, but they breathed a huge collective sigh of relief when you decided that you would just stay here, rather than leave and have to hear them complain about it for the rest of your life.
“Sure, we had a bit of a scare during David’s last year of college,” nodded Joan Nash, 65, from her place in line at J.C. Penney. “He mentioned something about using his Archaeology degree to go on this ridiculous “dig” of ancient Rome. Thank God my friend Mary was able to pull some strings and get him that position at the state offices.”
When asked if sacrificing the opportunity of a lifetime for a 10 x 12 foot office and thirty minutes for lunch, local son, David Nash, refused to comment.
“Oh please,” added Joan. “He probably would have strained himself with one of those shovels.”
While the nation’s children may argue that “that’s not the point,” the nation’s moms remain adamant that choosing a nice office job, with excellent benefits and a thirty-two minute commute, really makes the most sense at this time in your life. Especially if you're planning to start a family soon.
“We just want you to be happy, safe, and nowhere near icy roads, criminals, or airplanes,” said spokeswoman for all mothers, Nancy Hunt. “I mean, unless you decided to become a doctor like we originally asked you to, an office job is everything a mother could have hoped for.”
May 9, 2012
Gotta love a brand name that basically says "Yeah, you kn...
Gotta love a brand name that basically says "Yeah, you know, they sell our stuff at Marshall's. There might be a hole in this. Whatever."
May 8, 2012
April 8, 2012
Don't childproof your house...cage your children!
There are a lot of people in the world who should probably lose their jobs. One of them is the guy at Wendy's who would read my order back wrong every single time because he thought it was funny. Another is whichever marketing genius came up with this ad for the North States Superyard (a product intended for "young toddlers or small pets"):
One might surmise that this child (who we can all agree is neither a young toddler nor small pet), was put in there to keep him safe from the roaring fireplace. Well, dear marketing executives, even my two year old gets the concept of "fire hot" and manages to stay away on his own. It is more likely that he was confined to this 15 square foot hexagonal hell because his mother is a raging psychopath. The main piece of evidence from which I drew that conclusion is that she's wearing a button up shirt just to hang around the house. The second piece of evidence is that the house is immaculate and the only evidence that a child lives there is a wagon and a book entitled "Christmas" (and oh what a sad, sad, Christmas it's going to be).
Here's an idea - lose the antique urn and get the kid some Matchbox cars. That wagon isn't cutting it. Sure he might like to wheel it around to kill time until he turns eighteen, or better yet, use it as a way to climb out, set fire to that bouquet of dried peonies, torch the place, and escape into the night. But until he plans all that out, it's really going to suck taking one step and banging into a wall over and over again.
So listen up North States: if you find yourself in need of a consultant who knows the appropriate age range for a kiddie corral, give me a call.
Or, if you're just looking for a new secretary, I type 80 wpm.
One might surmise that this child (who we can all agree is neither a young toddler nor small pet), was put in there to keep him safe from the roaring fireplace. Well, dear marketing executives, even my two year old gets the concept of "fire hot" and manages to stay away on his own. It is more likely that he was confined to this 15 square foot hexagonal hell because his mother is a raging psychopath. The main piece of evidence from which I drew that conclusion is that she's wearing a button up shirt just to hang around the house. The second piece of evidence is that the house is immaculate and the only evidence that a child lives there is a wagon and a book entitled "Christmas" (and oh what a sad, sad, Christmas it's going to be).
Here's an idea - lose the antique urn and get the kid some Matchbox cars. That wagon isn't cutting it. Sure he might like to wheel it around to kill time until he turns eighteen, or better yet, use it as a way to climb out, set fire to that bouquet of dried peonies, torch the place, and escape into the night. But until he plans all that out, it's really going to suck taking one step and banging into a wall over and over again.
So listen up North States: if you find yourself in need of a consultant who knows the appropriate age range for a kiddie corral, give me a call.
Or, if you're just looking for a new secretary, I type 80 wpm.
April 6, 2012
OnlyIndie
Check out OnlyIndie - this is a different kind of e-book store where all books are priced at $0 until they are downloaded 15 times. After that, the price increases by a penny each time it's downloaded, up to a set maximum price. Nifty idea!
You can find What Stays in Vegas there too.
I can't ask you guys enough - if you've read my book and enjoyed it, please leave me a positive review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble! Positive reviews are the best thing ever to an author (well, the best thing ever would be millions of dollars, a publishing contract, and a movie deal. Baby steps.).
You can find What Stays in Vegas there too.
I can't ask you guys enough - if you've read my book and enjoyed it, please leave me a positive review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble! Positive reviews are the best thing ever to an author (well, the best thing ever would be millions of dollars, a publishing contract, and a movie deal. Baby steps.).
April 2, 2012
March 8, 2012
You Guys Are Gonna Miss Me Until The Temp Shows Up
Man, oh man. You guys don't know how good you have it right now. Maybe you haven't thought about this, but someday, maybe soon, I won't be working here anymore. Someday I'm going to move on to bigger and better things, and suddenly everything is going to blow up in your face. That's right. The phone that I'm always answering? Someday it's going to be ringing off the hook and you'll say to yourself "Crap! Who's going to answer that before the temp gets here in twenty minutes?" And the answer to that question will be, "One of the other secretaries that still works here."
It is at that moment that you'll realize how truly screwed you are until the temp is able to find a parking space downstairs.
I've worked for this company for almost ten years. I've built up trust and confidence with our clients, and I've learned all of the ins and outs of this company. I know where you get your haircut and how you like your turkey sandwiches. Experience like mine should not be taken for granted. So until a girl who looks exactly like me from the back figures out where the elevator is, the shit is going to hit the fan. I'm just letting you know.
I probably shouldn't even mention all the filing that's going to pile up without me around. I mean, who do you think is going to painstakingly file away each document in the next few minutes before the temp figures out if she should turn left or right at the end of the corridor? I think you know the answer.
I almost feel sorry for you people. Helpless. Incompetent. Unable to manage the simplest administrative tasks until Randstad types a few keywords into their database and finds a recent college grad to send over for ten bucks an hour. But hey, that's life. Most of us never realize what we have until the temp gets stuck in traffic on I-495.
So let's use this as a learning opportunity. Toss a "thank you" my way once in a while. Don't skip Administrative Professionals Day. And in return, maybe I'll stick around for another ten years.
Because I think I'd really miss you guys until a way better job showed up.
It is at that moment that you'll realize how truly screwed you are until the temp is able to find a parking space downstairs.
I've worked for this company for almost ten years. I've built up trust and confidence with our clients, and I've learned all of the ins and outs of this company. I know where you get your haircut and how you like your turkey sandwiches. Experience like mine should not be taken for granted. So until a girl who looks exactly like me from the back figures out where the elevator is, the shit is going to hit the fan. I'm just letting you know.
I probably shouldn't even mention all the filing that's going to pile up without me around. I mean, who do you think is going to painstakingly file away each document in the next few minutes before the temp figures out if she should turn left or right at the end of the corridor? I think you know the answer.
I almost feel sorry for you people. Helpless. Incompetent. Unable to manage the simplest administrative tasks until Randstad types a few keywords into their database and finds a recent college grad to send over for ten bucks an hour. But hey, that's life. Most of us never realize what we have until the temp gets stuck in traffic on I-495.
So let's use this as a learning opportunity. Toss a "thank you" my way once in a while. Don't skip Administrative Professionals Day. And in return, maybe I'll stick around for another ten years.
Because I think I'd really miss you guys until a way better job showed up.
February 14, 2012
Free book!
Get a copy of What Stays in Vegas FREE until February 21st with coupon code VC94N from Smashwords - versions are available for all e-readers.
Show authors how much you enjoyed their books by leaving them positive reviews on Amazon or Barnes & Noble!
Show authors how much you enjoyed their books by leaving them positive reviews on Amazon or Barnes & Noble!
Happy Valentine's Day
From my office cleaning lady to yours:
February 9, 2012
Corporate Jargon Conversation Hearts
Dear Necco,
Picture this. It's February 14, 2013. You're in a conference room filled with high powered executives. A man, late forties, is concluding his Powerpoint presentation. He's been in the advertising industry for twenty years, but it never gets any easier. Winning this account would be everything. It would mean that trip to Ireland he and his wife have been dreaming about. It would be the highlight of his career.
He glances at the executives seated around the table - and at one in particular. A woman, mid fifties, is scribbling on a pad of legal paper. The decision is hers, but she remains stone-faced. After what seems an eternity, she looks up and reaches into a small bowl that has been sitting unnoticed on the conference room table. With a wry smile she tosses the man a Sweethearts Conversation Heart candy. Relief and joy wash over him as he catches it with sweating palms and reads the simple phrase:
And so, I present to you - Corporate Jargon Conversation Hearts. Certain to delight both the executive in your life, and the people in your life who can't stand executives.
Should this new line of candy make you millions of dollars, I only ask that you give me some of it. I don't need any of the candies, as I think they're kind of gross.
Sincerely,
Secretary4Life
Be My Low-Hanging FruitLet's Circle BackYou're On My Plate
We've Come Full CircleCan I Bend Your Ear? 
On My RadarWe're A Win-Win
