Beth Labonte's Blog, page 3
February 17, 2014
Cozy Coupe Carts
Once you have kids, there are a few things that you wish had never been invented:
1) Stuffed animal claw machines2) Food with cartoon characters on it3) Arcades 4) Drugs4) These:
The above is an average sized one from the grocery store, which is bad enough. Over at Lowes they have these seven foot long blue race cars that weigh about 400 lbs empty, never mind after you load it with your child, chainsaws, sledgehammers and whatever else I think people buy at home improvement stores. God help anybody that gets in your way when you're navigating around corners - it's like you're steering the back end of a fire engine.
I have occasionally pushed my son around in one of these at Stop & Shop, and I have occasionally ended up jammed in the checkout lane. Seriously, THEY DON'T FIT THRU THE CHECKOUT LANE.
This was me:
"Oh you just have to back it in," said the cashier after I was already hopelessly fucking stuck. Thanks for the tip. I basically destroyed the gum and candy rack, as well as a display of beef jerky, trying to unjam myself. Finally I backed it in. Okay, now what? Frontwards or backwards, I'm still trapped at the back of the cart and can't reach my groceries because there's a CHILD'S OUTDOOR TOY CAR blocking access to the front. Am I going to need to ask my kid to get out of the Coupe, climb up onto the roof, and hand me each item? Is that what they want me to do?
I obviously can't reach the stuff by squeezing around the sides, because to do that I would need to have the body mass of a paper doll. Do we not live in a society where half of the population is obese? What are all the other mothers doing? Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe there's an Eject button that I don't know about, and you press it and the Cozy Coupe detaches and your kid just drives away and meets you out in the parking lot. Otherwise, I just don't understand it.
Does anyone else detest these things as much as I do?
1) Stuffed animal claw machines2) Food with cartoon characters on it3) Arcades 4) Drugs4) These:
The above is an average sized one from the grocery store, which is bad enough. Over at Lowes they have these seven foot long blue race cars that weigh about 400 lbs empty, never mind after you load it with your child, chainsaws, sledgehammers and whatever else I think people buy at home improvement stores. God help anybody that gets in your way when you're navigating around corners - it's like you're steering the back end of a fire engine.I have occasionally pushed my son around in one of these at Stop & Shop, and I have occasionally ended up jammed in the checkout lane. Seriously, THEY DON'T FIT THRU THE CHECKOUT LANE.
This was me:
"Oh you just have to back it in," said the cashier after I was already hopelessly fucking stuck. Thanks for the tip. I basically destroyed the gum and candy rack, as well as a display of beef jerky, trying to unjam myself. Finally I backed it in. Okay, now what? Frontwards or backwards, I'm still trapped at the back of the cart and can't reach my groceries because there's a CHILD'S OUTDOOR TOY CAR blocking access to the front. Am I going to need to ask my kid to get out of the Coupe, climb up onto the roof, and hand me each item? Is that what they want me to do?
I obviously can't reach the stuff by squeezing around the sides, because to do that I would need to have the body mass of a paper doll. Do we not live in a society where half of the population is obese? What are all the other mothers doing? Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe there's an Eject button that I don't know about, and you press it and the Cozy Coupe detaches and your kid just drives away and meets you out in the parking lot. Otherwise, I just don't understand it.
Does anyone else detest these things as much as I do?
February 14, 2014
How We're Celebrating Valentine's Day At The Office
1. Romantic working lunch for seven.
2. Leaving pair of pink furry handcuffs for each of the secretaries.
3. Hating anybody who gets flowers delivered.
4. Checking if flower delivery guy has plans for tonight.
5. Serving up a bowl of Corporate Jargon Conversation Hearts.
6. Waiting on top of photocopier with long-stemmed rose between our teeth.
7. Waiting in backseat of office crush's car with box of chocolates and ski mask.
8. Consoling best friend in ladies room.
9. Wearing this to staff meeting:
Under this:
10. Signing off all emails with excerpt from Gustave Flaubert's 1846 love letter to his wife:
I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy.I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh, so that you faint and die.
2. Leaving pair of pink furry handcuffs for each of the secretaries.
3. Hating anybody who gets flowers delivered.
4. Checking if flower delivery guy has plans for tonight.
5. Serving up a bowl of Corporate Jargon Conversation Hearts.
6. Waiting on top of photocopier with long-stemmed rose between our teeth.
7. Waiting in backseat of office crush's car with box of chocolates and ski mask.
8. Consoling best friend in ladies room.
9. Wearing this to staff meeting:
Under this:
10. Signing off all emails with excerpt from Gustave Flaubert's 1846 love letter to his wife:
I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy.I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh, so that you faint and die.
February 12, 2014
Valentine's Day eBook Sale!
We’re spreading the love this Valentine’s day. Ten fabulous (and mostly chick-lit) authors have teamed up to offer you an amazing ebook promo. See below to download FREE or hugely discounted bestselling books. Valentine’s Day only!What Stays in Vegas - FREE - Valentine's Day only!
"What Stays in Vegas is a quirky, fun, chick lit novel written by someone who has seen it all firsthand in the corporate world - a self-professed "worst best secretary you'll ever have the pleasure of reluctantly doing business with." - Chick-Lit Books.com
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#1 Amazon Bestseller (Humour)
#1 Amazon Hot New Releases
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One Summer in France - FREE Valentine's Day only!
Amazon Humour and Memoir bestseller. From the author of 'Bunny on a Bike' (humorous memoir of a Playboy croupier)
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February 3, 2014
Advertising Awfulness
Thanks to both my Friday night viewing of Pretty Woman on the Oxygen channel, and the approach of Valentine's Day, I've been overwhelmed by some seriously annoying women-centered advertisements lately.
"I always eat it all…just not all at once" says the voiceover. So here we have this skinny woman eating what I imagine to be a mustard and lettuce sandwich alongside her 32 oz cup of Crystal Light. After giving it a few seconds of thought - IF I DON'T EAT MORE I'M GOING TO PASS OUT IN FRONT OF THIS FOOD TRUCK - she closes the lid and decides to take the second half home for later. Seriously? The sandwich wasn't even that big, never mind that there weren't any chips or fries or pickles anywhere to be seen. So we're teaching women to feel guilty if the don't split a 300 calorie sandwich between two meals? I don't think this is healthy advice even if you are 700 lbs. And guess what? THIS WOMAN ISN'T EVEN REMOTELY FAT. Thanks Crystal Light. I bet that giant glass of aspartame that you're encouraging us to sip on all afternoon is way healthier than a few extra slices of turkey. #Tinywin!
"My routine? Gym. Coffee. HauteLook." Fuck off. You want to know my routine? It involves going to work. You know, that mysterious place your husband goes to while you're sitting around in yoga pants ordering crap off the Internet? Who would produce this commercial and not think for a minute "Hey, this might fill people with blinding rage." It's not like this is what this woman does on a Sunday. No, it's EVERYDAY. It's her ROUTINE. Monday was full of "must haves" and Tuesday was about "changing up his look." God your husband must hate you. "I know that my day hasn't really started until I've gone to HauteLook." YES, THAT'S CALLED A SHOPPING ADDICTION. You're filling your house up with stuff in order to fill some void in your life. You know it, I know it, the UPS guy knows it. And what exactly do you do with the rest of your day, once you've exhausted HauteLook? Volunteer at the nursing home wiping old people's butts? Or head on over to Amazon? I thought so.
Then there was this cute little Pandora ad:
"You love that he loves you. Now love what he gives you."
Can't wait to see what he gives you when he figures out a Pandora bracelet, plus fourteen charms, will run him close to $800.
"I always eat it all…just not all at once" says the voiceover. So here we have this skinny woman eating what I imagine to be a mustard and lettuce sandwich alongside her 32 oz cup of Crystal Light. After giving it a few seconds of thought - IF I DON'T EAT MORE I'M GOING TO PASS OUT IN FRONT OF THIS FOOD TRUCK - she closes the lid and decides to take the second half home for later. Seriously? The sandwich wasn't even that big, never mind that there weren't any chips or fries or pickles anywhere to be seen. So we're teaching women to feel guilty if the don't split a 300 calorie sandwich between two meals? I don't think this is healthy advice even if you are 700 lbs. And guess what? THIS WOMAN ISN'T EVEN REMOTELY FAT. Thanks Crystal Light. I bet that giant glass of aspartame that you're encouraging us to sip on all afternoon is way healthier than a few extra slices of turkey. #Tinywin!
"My routine? Gym. Coffee. HauteLook." Fuck off. You want to know my routine? It involves going to work. You know, that mysterious place your husband goes to while you're sitting around in yoga pants ordering crap off the Internet? Who would produce this commercial and not think for a minute "Hey, this might fill people with blinding rage." It's not like this is what this woman does on a Sunday. No, it's EVERYDAY. It's her ROUTINE. Monday was full of "must haves" and Tuesday was about "changing up his look." God your husband must hate you. "I know that my day hasn't really started until I've gone to HauteLook." YES, THAT'S CALLED A SHOPPING ADDICTION. You're filling your house up with stuff in order to fill some void in your life. You know it, I know it, the UPS guy knows it. And what exactly do you do with the rest of your day, once you've exhausted HauteLook? Volunteer at the nursing home wiping old people's butts? Or head on over to Amazon? I thought so.
Then there was this cute little Pandora ad:
"You love that he loves you. Now love what he gives you."
Can't wait to see what he gives you when he figures out a Pandora bracelet, plus fourteen charms, will run him close to $800.
January 28, 2014
Basketball
My 4 year old, Max, is taking a basketball class at the YMCA. It's supposed to be for three and four year old kids, but there's this one kid who is basically this guy:
Maybe, maybe, he's almost five….it's possible. It's also possible that he can get into R rated movies.
Anyway, the class is held every Saturday morning for about a million weeks - seriously, I don't think this class ever ends - and is a nice activity to give Max a break from the Netflix film festival that our lives have become. It's hard to get dressed and out of the house so early though, what with the cold weather, and the snow, and the fact that Amazon now streams Team Umizoomi.
But it is always worth it, as there are a few interesting parents in attendance. Luckily these are pre-schoolers, so we don't yet have the red-faced, thick-necked dads screaming things like LET'S GET SOME HUSTLE!! and CAN'T WE GET SOME DEFENSE?!? (these are all things people scream at sporting events, right?). We do however have these guys:
1) The lady who is out there doing literally everything with her kid. Like, everything. Time to do drills? She's out there galloping sideways down the court. Time to shoot the basketball into a hoop that's like three feet off the ground? She shoots, she scores! Time to hop like a frog? There's a sight I will never be able to erase from my brain. Although, last week she stayed on the sidelines and her kid spent the entire class running back and forth across the court wearing a superhero cape. So maybe she knew what she was doing.
2) The dad who shows up in head to toe Addidas athletic gear, and then sits there on his iPad. What are you doing? I mean, you looked like you were either going to assist the coaches against their will, or you were going to leave and go workout. But you're doing neither of those things. You're sitting in a chair playing Rayman Fiesta Run and not even looking at your kid. You could have at least worn jeans.
Then you get the older kids that come in and are just waiting around for the class to end so they can use the court. They start dribbling and doing all this other basketbally type shit on the sidelines, and then one of their red-faced, thick-necked dads comes along and starts clapping and saying things like LET'S GET THAT DEFENSIVE STANCE GOING. Or whatever. He doesn't actually say it in all caps, but that's how I hear it because I AM TRYING TO WATCH A CLASS OF 4 YEAR OLD CHILDREN. Would it kill you to just wait quietly out in the hall? The world will not end if you have to stop dribbling for fifteen freakin minutes. Here, I'll give you a book to read.
After class, we stop in this play area that looks like a giant tree with a slide built into it, and kids randomly drop their socks on my head while I send text messages to my husband who, for some reason, got to go wait for us in the car.
In conclusion, I'm glad that we are getting out of the house and that Max is getting some exercise. And once it's over, we get to watch four straight hours of Team Umizoomi with a totally clear conscience.
Basketball!
Maybe, maybe, he's almost five….it's possible. It's also possible that he can get into R rated movies.
Anyway, the class is held every Saturday morning for about a million weeks - seriously, I don't think this class ever ends - and is a nice activity to give Max a break from the Netflix film festival that our lives have become. It's hard to get dressed and out of the house so early though, what with the cold weather, and the snow, and the fact that Amazon now streams Team Umizoomi.
But it is always worth it, as there are a few interesting parents in attendance. Luckily these are pre-schoolers, so we don't yet have the red-faced, thick-necked dads screaming things like LET'S GET SOME HUSTLE!! and CAN'T WE GET SOME DEFENSE?!? (these are all things people scream at sporting events, right?). We do however have these guys:
1) The lady who is out there doing literally everything with her kid. Like, everything. Time to do drills? She's out there galloping sideways down the court. Time to shoot the basketball into a hoop that's like three feet off the ground? She shoots, she scores! Time to hop like a frog? There's a sight I will never be able to erase from my brain. Although, last week she stayed on the sidelines and her kid spent the entire class running back and forth across the court wearing a superhero cape. So maybe she knew what she was doing.
2) The dad who shows up in head to toe Addidas athletic gear, and then sits there on his iPad. What are you doing? I mean, you looked like you were either going to assist the coaches against their will, or you were going to leave and go workout. But you're doing neither of those things. You're sitting in a chair playing Rayman Fiesta Run and not even looking at your kid. You could have at least worn jeans.
Then you get the older kids that come in and are just waiting around for the class to end so they can use the court. They start dribbling and doing all this other basketbally type shit on the sidelines, and then one of their red-faced, thick-necked dads comes along and starts clapping and saying things like LET'S GET THAT DEFENSIVE STANCE GOING. Or whatever. He doesn't actually say it in all caps, but that's how I hear it because I AM TRYING TO WATCH A CLASS OF 4 YEAR OLD CHILDREN. Would it kill you to just wait quietly out in the hall? The world will not end if you have to stop dribbling for fifteen freakin minutes. Here, I'll give you a book to read.
After class, we stop in this play area that looks like a giant tree with a slide built into it, and kids randomly drop their socks on my head while I send text messages to my husband who, for some reason, got to go wait for us in the car.
In conclusion, I'm glad that we are getting out of the house and that Max is getting some exercise. And once it's over, we get to watch four straight hours of Team Umizoomi with a totally clear conscience.
Basketball!
January 24, 2014
"The first step to becoming a writer is to admit that you...
"The first step to becoming a writer is to admit that you have no idea what you're doing and that all of your ideas are shit. The second step, after completing the first step, is to go on the Internet." - Beth Labonte, Writer
January 21, 2014
How Are We Preparing For The Storm?
1. Lowering our coworker's raised wipers.
2. Using vacation time in order to leave early.
3. Still expecting Fed Ex guy to come.
4. Wearing ski boots into staff meeting.
5. Screaming "We're all gonna die!" every time a client calls.
6. Hoarding coworker's lunches in our desk drawer.
7. Sending intern to deliver package to New Hampshire.
8. Vending machine smash & grab.
9. Sleeping at the motel across the street like we've done every night since Linda threw us out.
10. Praying that polar vortex annihilates office.
2. Using vacation time in order to leave early.
3. Still expecting Fed Ex guy to come.
4. Wearing ski boots into staff meeting.
5. Screaming "We're all gonna die!" every time a client calls.
6. Hoarding coworker's lunches in our desk drawer.
7. Sending intern to deliver package to New Hampshire.
8. Vending machine smash & grab.
9. Sleeping at the motel across the street like we've done every night since Linda threw us out.
10. Praying that polar vortex annihilates office.
January 16, 2014
Secretary Will Make Great Secretary Someday
According to recent performance evaluation results, local secretary, Jennifer Schmidt, has what it takes to be a great secretary someday.
"Jen's unique talents for problem solving, reading people, and thinking outside the box, will lead her into a bright future in the same exact position that she's always had," typed boss, Mike Hardy, into the Career Goals section of the evaluation form.
Schmidt, who began her secretarial career nine years ago as a secretary, has since been promoted to secretary, secretary, and most recently in 2013, to secretary. It is the vast experience that she has gained in such areas as billing, contracts, and corporate travel planning, that has led Schmidt to move horizontally along the bottom rung of the corporate ladder.
"We at Carter & Duff are always keeping our eyes open for employees that have what it takes," said Branch Manager, Alan Murphy, nodding in approval after signing off on the evaluation. "And from what I see here, Ms. Schmidt will be on the fast track to the job she currently holds in no time."
While total career stagnation has not always been a goal of Schmidt's, she admits that hearing it from her boss has really made her think about the future.
"I never thought I had it in me to completely plateau by the age of thirty-three," said Schmidt. "But hearing it straight from Mike, that means a lot. Now I have the confidence to continue down this path that will eventually loop around to where I started nine years ago. It's all very exciting."
"She's always been secretarial material," said Hardy. "From the first day that she walked in here I said to myself 'that secretary is going places'. Of course none of us realized at the time that those places would be the same ones she's already been going to for nearly a decade."
If Schmidt continues with this career plan, executives at Carter & Duff have indicated that she can expect a salary equivalent to the one that she receives today, as well as the same job description as the twenty year old temp who was brought in last week to answer the phones.
"I'm really going to miss her when she takes her new position," said Hardy. "Thankfully, she'll still be here."
"Jen's unique talents for problem solving, reading people, and thinking outside the box, will lead her into a bright future in the same exact position that she's always had," typed boss, Mike Hardy, into the Career Goals section of the evaluation form.
Schmidt, who began her secretarial career nine years ago as a secretary, has since been promoted to secretary, secretary, and most recently in 2013, to secretary. It is the vast experience that she has gained in such areas as billing, contracts, and corporate travel planning, that has led Schmidt to move horizontally along the bottom rung of the corporate ladder.
"We at Carter & Duff are always keeping our eyes open for employees that have what it takes," said Branch Manager, Alan Murphy, nodding in approval after signing off on the evaluation. "And from what I see here, Ms. Schmidt will be on the fast track to the job she currently holds in no time."
While total career stagnation has not always been a goal of Schmidt's, she admits that hearing it from her boss has really made her think about the future.
"I never thought I had it in me to completely plateau by the age of thirty-three," said Schmidt. "But hearing it straight from Mike, that means a lot. Now I have the confidence to continue down this path that will eventually loop around to where I started nine years ago. It's all very exciting."
"She's always been secretarial material," said Hardy. "From the first day that she walked in here I said to myself 'that secretary is going places'. Of course none of us realized at the time that those places would be the same ones she's already been going to for nearly a decade."
If Schmidt continues with this career plan, executives at Carter & Duff have indicated that she can expect a salary equivalent to the one that she receives today, as well as the same job description as the twenty year old temp who was brought in last week to answer the phones.
"I'm really going to miss her when she takes her new position," said Hardy. "Thankfully, she'll still be here."
January 10, 2014
Goodbye Old Friend
NOT. You sucked and I am thrilled to shove you into a drawer never to be used again. This is my Panasonic micro cassette transcriber, for those of you who never had the pleasure. We've finally moved on to digital recording devices, or at least I have. There are some in my office who are resisting technology. They prefer to listen to tapes that sound as if they were recorded from within the sunken remains of the Titanic. Face it ladies, we're all going to be replaced by robots someday. And when our robot overlords get here, wouldn't it be nice to be able to converse with them about current technology? You think Zorax57#1029@6 wants to talk to you about typewriter ribbon? No. He'll blast you with his ray gun. But if you say something like "I really like this new Olympus VN-702PC Voice Recorder with 2 GB of internal memory, how 'bout you?" he might just let you live.
January 2, 2014
The Worst Movie That Ever Was And Ever Will Be
I got a bad review of my book the other day. On New Year's Eve, actually. It was a really hurtful, bitter review, left by someone who was overly angry at a book that she probably paid nothing for. I was upset about it for a while, then I decided not to waste my time dwelling on such a miserable person's opinion. I didn't want to become someone who focuses only on the negative. If I were to do that, then I would be like her. I decided to start 2014 with only positive thoughts!
And then I went to see Walking With Dinosaurs.
Fuck. And I mean fuuuuuck. If Fifty Shades of Grey is the worst book that ever was and ever will be, then Walking With Dinosaurs is the worst movie that ever was and ever will be. At least until the Fifty Shades of Grey movie comes out. But even that is debatable. If I had to choose between sitting through Walking With Dinosaurs for a second time, and watching Anastasia Steele get repeatedly railed by that sick twisted s.o.b., I might have to go for the latter.
And now let's begin:
Walking With Dinosaurs was produced by BBC Earth after the success of their 1999 miniseries of the same name. It was originally made as a silent film. A silent film that would have been AWESOME and gorgeous and totally enjoyable to watch. But then some Hollywood executives came along and said "Hey, what would be better than this really awesome silent dinosaur film that would be unlike any other dinosaur film ever made? I know! Let's dub it with the voice of that guy from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Justin Long. Yeah, that guy. We want him! And don't forget John Leguizamo!"
My. God.
I read the bad reviews before we went into the theater, but I still didn't quite comprehend. I thought, how bad can it be? My four year old will like it, and I just want to look at the dinosaurs. Who cares about the script? You know who definitely didn't care about the script? Whoever wrote the fucking script.
The movie starts off in present day with this paleontologist guy driving his niece and nephew up into the mountains of Alaska to look for dinosaur bones. The teenaged nephew is all into his cell phone and doesn't care about paleontology in the slightest. He's all "Who cares about science? Science didn't build my iPhone! CANDY CRUSH SAGA!!!!!!!" The uncle parks the car and takes off with the niece and leaves the dopey nephew to wait in the car. About three seconds later this wisecracking Latino bird flies down and starts speaking to the kid. Maybe the kid was doing mushrooms in the car while he waited, I don't know. They didn't show that part. Anyway, this talking bird, voiced by John Leguizamo, shows up, and tells the kid that the ancient past is really way super cool and that he's going to tell him all about it. Then he morphs into this dinosaur bird, unfortunately still voiced by John Leguizamo, and away we go!
The worst bird in all of history
I think I'm just going to make a list:
1) The voices. My God, the voices. First of all, since the movie was originally meant to be a silent film, the dinosaurs mouths don't move. There's just this weird voiceover throughout the entire thing, where it looks like the dinosaurs are communicating telepathically. It made it very difficult to figure out who the hell was talking. Unless, of course it was John Leguizamo, then all you said to yourself was "Shit, that annoying bird's talking again."
2) The main character is this teenaged dinosaur (was that a thing?) named Patchi, who goes on a migration with his herd. Along the way he falls in love with this other teenaged dinosaur and the two of them get separated from the herd and run into all sorts of dopey trouble. Whatever. Who cares. All I could focus on was the absolute garbage that kept spewing out of Patchi's mouth. Endless references to modern day things, like calling bird-like dinosaurs "Turkey bird!" as an insult. Turkeys? Why would dinosaurs know about turkeys?? And ninjas! And he talked as if he were typing status updates on Facebook. "Worst. Migration. Ever." He says this. HE ACTUALLY FUCKING SAYS THIS.
I'm happy you guys are extinct3) I'm always up for a poop or a fart joke. I'll even take a vomit joke if it's all you've got. This movie dumped all of the above on us within the first ten minutes, and did so with such awful delivery that all I could do was roll my eyes. You know who used to roll her eyes at poop jokes? My mother. This movie has turned me into my mother.
4) The main character has this permanent hole in his head from where he was attacked when he was a baby. Countless times we were subjected to jokes about his hole. This movie that only appeals to children under age 3, makes countless references to a dinosaur's HOLE. Like his butthole, get it?!? The producers really wanted you to get it - that's why they made the joke fifty-seven times.
5) Patchi's brother, Scowler, is a total douche-bag. He talks like Biff from Back to the Future. He says things like "Hey losers! Ha Ha! They looked!" That's all I have to say about him. I wish he'd died.
Scowler
6) At one point, when all the dinosaurs were walking across a frozen lake, I wished that they would fall in and drown so that I could go home.
7) At the end of the movie we get to see the dopey human kid again. Apparently he's watched the same movie that we just did even though he was standing out in the Alaskan wilderness. He's suddenly all "PALEONTOLOGY ROCKS!!!" and even his uncle is like "Woah, it's not that cool." Then the bird, who literally made me feel like I was being stabbed in the brain with a fork, came back to end the movie with one more lame joke. Then he burst out of the movie screen and followed me to the car saying things like "I know you are, but what am I?" into the back of my head.
In conclusion: Don't see this movie. Don't take your kids to see this movie. Don't remind me that I've seen this movie. The script was so bad that I wasn't even able to concentrate on how awesome the special effects probably were, and that's a pretty big shame.
And then I went to see Walking With Dinosaurs.
Fuck. And I mean fuuuuuck. If Fifty Shades of Grey is the worst book that ever was and ever will be, then Walking With Dinosaurs is the worst movie that ever was and ever will be. At least until the Fifty Shades of Grey movie comes out. But even that is debatable. If I had to choose between sitting through Walking With Dinosaurs for a second time, and watching Anastasia Steele get repeatedly railed by that sick twisted s.o.b., I might have to go for the latter.
And now let's begin:
Walking With Dinosaurs was produced by BBC Earth after the success of their 1999 miniseries of the same name. It was originally made as a silent film. A silent film that would have been AWESOME and gorgeous and totally enjoyable to watch. But then some Hollywood executives came along and said "Hey, what would be better than this really awesome silent dinosaur film that would be unlike any other dinosaur film ever made? I know! Let's dub it with the voice of that guy from Alvin and the Chipmunks. Justin Long. Yeah, that guy. We want him! And don't forget John Leguizamo!"
My. God.
I read the bad reviews before we went into the theater, but I still didn't quite comprehend. I thought, how bad can it be? My four year old will like it, and I just want to look at the dinosaurs. Who cares about the script? You know who definitely didn't care about the script? Whoever wrote the fucking script.
The movie starts off in present day with this paleontologist guy driving his niece and nephew up into the mountains of Alaska to look for dinosaur bones. The teenaged nephew is all into his cell phone and doesn't care about paleontology in the slightest. He's all "Who cares about science? Science didn't build my iPhone! CANDY CRUSH SAGA!!!!!!!" The uncle parks the car and takes off with the niece and leaves the dopey nephew to wait in the car. About three seconds later this wisecracking Latino bird flies down and starts speaking to the kid. Maybe the kid was doing mushrooms in the car while he waited, I don't know. They didn't show that part. Anyway, this talking bird, voiced by John Leguizamo, shows up, and tells the kid that the ancient past is really way super cool and that he's going to tell him all about it. Then he morphs into this dinosaur bird, unfortunately still voiced by John Leguizamo, and away we go!
The worst bird in all of historyI think I'm just going to make a list:
1) The voices. My God, the voices. First of all, since the movie was originally meant to be a silent film, the dinosaurs mouths don't move. There's just this weird voiceover throughout the entire thing, where it looks like the dinosaurs are communicating telepathically. It made it very difficult to figure out who the hell was talking. Unless, of course it was John Leguizamo, then all you said to yourself was "Shit, that annoying bird's talking again."
2) The main character is this teenaged dinosaur (was that a thing?) named Patchi, who goes on a migration with his herd. Along the way he falls in love with this other teenaged dinosaur and the two of them get separated from the herd and run into all sorts of dopey trouble. Whatever. Who cares. All I could focus on was the absolute garbage that kept spewing out of Patchi's mouth. Endless references to modern day things, like calling bird-like dinosaurs "Turkey bird!" as an insult. Turkeys? Why would dinosaurs know about turkeys?? And ninjas! And he talked as if he were typing status updates on Facebook. "Worst. Migration. Ever." He says this. HE ACTUALLY FUCKING SAYS THIS.
I'm happy you guys are extinct3) I'm always up for a poop or a fart joke. I'll even take a vomit joke if it's all you've got. This movie dumped all of the above on us within the first ten minutes, and did so with such awful delivery that all I could do was roll my eyes. You know who used to roll her eyes at poop jokes? My mother. This movie has turned me into my mother. 4) The main character has this permanent hole in his head from where he was attacked when he was a baby. Countless times we were subjected to jokes about his hole. This movie that only appeals to children under age 3, makes countless references to a dinosaur's HOLE. Like his butthole, get it?!? The producers really wanted you to get it - that's why they made the joke fifty-seven times.
5) Patchi's brother, Scowler, is a total douche-bag. He talks like Biff from Back to the Future. He says things like "Hey losers! Ha Ha! They looked!" That's all I have to say about him. I wish he'd died.
Scowler6) At one point, when all the dinosaurs were walking across a frozen lake, I wished that they would fall in and drown so that I could go home.
7) At the end of the movie we get to see the dopey human kid again. Apparently he's watched the same movie that we just did even though he was standing out in the Alaskan wilderness. He's suddenly all "PALEONTOLOGY ROCKS!!!" and even his uncle is like "Woah, it's not that cool." Then the bird, who literally made me feel like I was being stabbed in the brain with a fork, came back to end the movie with one more lame joke. Then he burst out of the movie screen and followed me to the car saying things like "I know you are, but what am I?" into the back of my head.
In conclusion: Don't see this movie. Don't take your kids to see this movie. Don't remind me that I've seen this movie. The script was so bad that I wasn't even able to concentrate on how awesome the special effects probably were, and that's a pretty big shame.
