G.L. Lambert's Blog, page 27

Far From BasYc

Nobody enjoys dating. The process of meeting new people. Do you wait for someone to approach you in public? Do you jump on a dating app? Do you take things into your own hands and shoot your shot by flirting with that guy at the gym or by sliding in the DMs of that cute guy who always likes your pictures? Even after you meet someone, then you have to actually “date” which means going out and getting to know them. Are they a texter or a talker? Do they want to go out on a proper date or are they trying to Netflix and chill you? How many dates before it’s official? How many dates before sex? Should you or shouldn’t you date more than one person at a time? The life of a single person is full of anxiety because they overthink everything listed above. I wrote numerous books on how to date step by step, yet so many women have yet to Spartan Up and apply these rules to their lives, some have used these tools others haven’t…

You may be one of those who don’t have time to read or listen to an audio book of mine, or you may just be of the mindset of “I DON’T NEED ADVICE, I GOT THIS”. I’ve helped women for nearly a decade and the lazy or stubborn type NEVER win they ALWAYS settle. They either sit on the bench and wait for some guy to fall in their lap or they keep recycling the same penis they’ve known for years because the devil they know can’t truly break their heart.

Let’s cut to the root of the problem—TRUST. You don’t want to meet a new man that seems great then turns out to be more of the same, so you play it safe and boring. I get it. Men are sneaky, flaky, and filled with contradictory behavior, so you never know who wants you or wants to use you. “Tell men how to be REAL men,” I already do that, I’ve even written a book for them (fellas click here), but let’s keep it real, preaching to men won’t save YOU. The solution isn’t to fix the broken males, it’s to hop over the trash men so you can attract and secure a quality one. The first step in that is knowing the game as played by my fellow men…

Common Sense Isn’t So Common When You’re In Lust…



Common Sense Dating Secrets:

All Men Prioritize Sex First, Money Second, Love Third.

When A Man Says, “I’m Not Looking For Anything Serious” He’s Leaving Off “With You”.

Men Are Competitive So They Run Back When You Find Someone, But They Don’t Actually Want You Back.

There’s No Such Thing As Too Busy.

Older Guys Settle For Women They Dogged When Younger Because They Know They’re Push Overs.

Men Will Use You As A Placeholder Until They Come Across the Trophy They Really Want.

A Woman Can’t Change A Man. He Either Changes On His Own Or Not At All.

The Majority of Men Think Women Aren’t Very Smart…

You all know this… I would hope, but you still fall for game because by nature you’re nice and give people the benefit of the doubt. Nice doesn’t win in this world. I hate seeing smart women get played by guys who come with the most transparent tactics. I’ve done a lot of these things personally, and as I matured I felt it a duty to put women up on game, not as Karmatic repayment, but because this world is dependent on strong women. Relationships and how to maneuver this world remains the biggest challenge for even the most book smart or successful women. So today I’m going to show you how any woman can rise up and get the type of love she deserves, not the kind of love she’s offered.

PROLOUGE: No More Excuses



Why does he chase me so hard only to walk away so easy after he gets what he wants?

Where you live. How You Look. Men Are Trash. These three things are the crutches that many women prop up as to why they’re just going to focus on self and be content with their vibrator. I hear it all the time: GL, only ugly guys approach me, and the cute ones are either broke, taken, or have a reputation. GL, guys go for my friends over me because I’m not as pretty. GL, I live in a wack city where everyone knows each other, all the men are hoes, there’s no hope for me. The first step in righting the wrongs of your love life is to stop making excuses as to why you haven’t been successful. I’ve literally talked with women from every state in the union and those from Europe, Asia, and Africa. Not once has the city, their looks, or the lack of quality men stood in the way of those women finding love, it was their methods. I could fly to your city tomorrow, be your wingman, and find a hot spot where you would be introduced to someone new and interesting who you would have never ran into on your own. How? Because you don’t go anywhere but the same old tired spots with the same old tired friends because you’re not creative in your approach to being social. It’s not about the clubs, the parties, or the concerts nor is it about swiping on Tinder until you come across a cute guy. Connections can only be made when you step out of your comfort zone long enough to be friendly.

PART 1: Baiting A Man



Men are attracted to soooo many types, you can pull guys you feel are out of your league

The Odds Are Set To 80%: Every woman breathing has an 80% chance of pulling any man she encounters. Are you going to dwell on the 20% chance that you’ll run into someone that isn’t impressed or has something else on his plate? Most of you will. That slim chance that someone will take your number but won’t call you or someone who your inbox won’t take it further than a casual “hey” scares the piss out of you. Fear keeps you in a box where the only men you will come across are the extra-friendly ones that come at you first, and trust the same way they’re being extra-friendly with you is being repeated with multiple women because quantity > quality. So here you are, stuck in the same old basic chick cycle of dealing with a man you didn’t even like but who was there. Months pass and it ends, and you realize that you wasted all that energy on someone that wasn’t even up to the standards you have in your head. Why? Because you don’t risk rejection—ever!

Dating, meeting men, it all becomes a lot more fun when you realize that your vagina is literally an Infinity Gauntlet. 80% is high, and it ticks up depending on how pretty you are. Let’s say that the average man would rate you a 7, maybe an 8 with makeup on. You’re already above that 80% and close to 95% odds that you won’t miss any shot you shoot. How do I know this? I’ve seen it all my life. I’ve coached girls to swing for the fences. And the statistics all line up with what I’m telling you. For example, I became friends with this girl from Atlanta who’s far from skinny, and really worked on her self-esteem. She went on to date one of the biggest rappers in the world, someone most women openly lust for, and she had him blowing up her phone. She wasn’t built like Draya, but she understood her strengths and played up to them. The secret that will lay the foundation going forward is to know that it’s a very slim chance that you will get rejected. It could happen, but guess what? There are more men out there, and the more you repeat it, the less scary it feels. It’s always worth going for what you want. Ask the girl’s that’s smashing your favorite rapper who was in your same place a year ago.

GO OUT BY YOURSELF: Where do you go to meet men? Most likely the internet, work, or you meet them through a friend. You’re boring, all you do is nap, work, and online shop so of course your options for guys are thinner than Anne Hathaway in Yoga Pants. Here’s a secret for those of you that embraced the confidence of the 80% rule—you’re a magnet. Let’s talk about attraction on a real level. You are a pretty woman that has a vagina that half of the population would dive into if given an opportunity. The problem for men is how do they get to you? Girls are like wolves, they usually move in packs with their friends, their sisters, their cousins, even other men. These people are walls. An aggressive man will run up on you because, again men take advantage of opportunity, but there are legions of other males that will keep walking by because they don’t want to interrupt in a group.

Your excuse will sound like this, “I need a man with the heart to approach me no matter where I’m at, that’s telling me he really wants me.” Okay, Basica, go back over there and have quiet time. Logic and your track record with men has proven that just because a man tries to holla at you, doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. It just means he’s bold. Here’s something to test out. The next time you’re hungry or bored, go out by yourself. It could be Starbucks to order coffee and sit at a table and read a book. It could be the mall food court to sit and just eat a damn pretzel. The longer you’re out, the more eyes are on you. We as men don’t think, “look at this werido by herself.” That’s what your negative mind thinks because you’ve been programmed to be under people or a part of a group. Men will look, some will speak, some will even walk over to you. As a single person, you should want this. Of course, there will be some lames that you brush off, but there will also be guys that are your type that catch your eye. The most successful tip I’ve seen played out is women who sit at the bar counter when eating or having a drink. Two years ago, I had a girl meet her now husband at the Buffalo Wild Wings bar when she sat next to him and asked to see a menu. Just last week, my lesbian friend met some girl at a brunch by sitting next to her and complimenting her purse. Finding someone is no longer about waiting, it’s about putting yourself out there.

Three ways to get a man: Shoot Your Shot verbally, Flirt & Give Him An Opening, or Bait Him

MEN LOVE AGGRESSIVE WOMEN: Let’s recap. You have the confidence of Thanos because you know you can have virtually any man you set your sights on. You aren’t afraid to go out in public to create an opportunity for an off-line connection. How do you turn that into actual GAME? A lot of women don’t know how to flirt. They know how to be sassy, how to tease, and how to give attitude when they secretly like a guy, but they don’t know how to say without words, “hey I like you.” Here’s the secret—you must become Sasha Fierce. Every woman, even Beyoncé, has an alter ego character she stores in her head. That bad ass chick who speaks her mind with no filter. You must let the other side of you loose around men. It was cool to giggle around men and say corny stuff like, “stop playing,” when you were 19. A grown woman doesn’t giggle, she smiles with her eyes. A grown woman doesn’t turn her glance away, she stares through a man like she would eat him alive. A grown woman doesn’t have awkward silences, she questions—how are you? That’s a nice shirt, where did you get it? Your girlfriend let you out of the house?Does that sound scary? Is talking to a strange man you think is cute too nerve wrecking for you to be that free with your words? Then you failed the first part! Your confidence has to be on Floyd Mayweather anytime you’re in the room with the opposite sex. I’m not saying that shy girls don’t get men, I’m saying that an aggressive woman steals a man’s soul.

What makes men talk to you and walk away without getting your number? It’s probably not your breath. It’s the lack of impression. Guys mastered this for the most part. They make jokes, they compliment, they use sexual undertones, all to make you smile or react. Why? Because he knows when you go home you’re going to still be thinking about how cool and fun he was. That’s an impression. The size of your butt in those jeans shouldn’t be the only impression you leave on a man. Personality is the most important weapon in any woman’s armory. When you’re on Snap or IG it’s easy to get your personality through because you’re performing for the camera or captioning a pretty picture with something witty. That stuff goes out of the window when you must speak face to face. The light switch in your head should be like a Power Ranger morphing. He’s sitting next to you or asking you your name, you can’t just grin and look like a deer in the headlights. In your head, you morph. “Watch me eat this mother***ker alive!” From there it’s not about what you say or reading a script, it’s being yourself but turned up to 10.

PART 2: Hooking A Man



Men still date, still spoil, and still use romance to win over what they want.

VERBAL CONVERSATIONS: Women who email me usually run into a problem most of you can relate to—my text got taken the wrong way. We live in a world where texting has replaced the phone call. The problem with that is the first week that you’re talking to someone, there is a huge margin for error tone wise. You can’t read sarcasm that well through text. It’s hard to get to know a person just typing in that format. What ends up happening is a bunch of chit-chat, some sexual flirtation, and him asking to see you soon. By the time you do meet up, he’s being overly sexual because he mistook you for a thotty from your text conversation. You’re into him, but you’re not an object, you want to go out and talk and actually get to see how this guy thinks and share your own life story. This is no exaggeration, I’m talked to over a thousand women who have slept with men who they didn’t even know basic things about like his last name or what he did at work. When I question these ladies, it all comes back to, “we didn’t really talk, we texted all day.” Stop being so dense! Texting is to supplement verbal conversations not a replacement for them.

Once you get past the meet and greet stage and are about to go on that first date, you must talk to him with your actual mouth. I don’t care if it’s telling him to call you after work or you doing a FaceTime session. Listening to how someone talks and what they talk about even before you sit down for a dinner date or go out to do some activity is crucial in establishing a bond and weeding out obvious red flags. I have friends who are the biggest dogs in the world, and they get away with a lot of it because all they do is text various girls BS that soothes their egos, set up night time chill sessions, and keep it moving. Who is this man? Where does he live? What was his last relationship? What does he do for a living? If you text this, you get cut and dry answers. If you ask it with your damn mouth, you hear the lies in his tone. You can sniff out hesitation. Talking allows you to poke holes in a man’s story in ways texting never could. Stop being afraid to talk, and if he doesn’t want to call you or pick up, that red flags dictates that he gets thrown back in the sea with the rest of these clown fish because he’s up to something.

TALK PRESENT NOT PAST: Just as important as hearing a man’s story out is sharing your own life. The secret to initial conversation is keep your cards close to the vest. Why are you on a first date talking about your ex-boyfriend and all the ways he did you dirty? Because he asked? Who is he to know that? We as men know that women over-talk about things they’re affected by. Work beefs, friend drama, exes… they will run off at the mouth venting. Through that venting you learn her weaknesses. Think about a first phone call or a first date. You tell him your ex cheated on you. He’s going to want to know how you found out, how long it was going on, if you knew the girl. He’s doing research to see how dumb you are. This is lost on you because you’re tied up in telling a story that’s been pissing you off for a long time. In the end he’ll tell you that your ex was trash and he would never do you like that. He won’t because he’ll do it better now knowing how that other dude messed up.

This isn’t just with exes, it’s with any past failure. You didn’t finish school, or you couldn’t get a job in your major, your family issues, it all creates a character profile to be exploited. So, what should you talk about besides him in order to give insight into your bomb personality? You share your strengths like it’s a job interview. It’s not about where you work now, it’s how you’re rising the ranks or how good you are at your job. It’s not about your ex, he had issues, but he taught you valuable lessons. That’s all you need to say about that man. It’s not about how your Dad did your Mom or how he treated you. Give an anecdote about growing up but this isn’t the time for a therapy session. The point is, you’re a strong woman who was forged by that hard knock past, show her passion not her pain.

“But they will think I’m a Hoe” Who cares what men think! Be flirty, be shocking, they love it.

FUNNY X NASTY: Every man thinks he’s Kevin Hart when he’s on a date because women love two things: Laughing and eating. Being a good time is mandatory for a man to win you over, he knows that. As a woman you’re most likely clueless who how to win a guy over from lust to genuine affection. Let’s drop the ego for a second. When I say “win a man over” it’s not saying you need to bend over backwards and give him head on the first date or buy the dude an Apple Watch. The same way a guy is trying to either entertain you or spoil you to get brownie points, you have to think about how you can show him you’re truly different from the other girls he dated in the prior months. The secret that most women don’t know is that as men we see the same exact personality patterns. I went on a date with a girl who lived in Santa Monica who acted the same way as a girl from South Philly. Talked about the same things, laughed the same way, played shy at the same moments, and even gave up the panties in the same manner. It’s all parody because women are taught to dumb down their personalities around guys they like instead of being that fun person they are when with friends or family.

ARE YOU FUNNY? I’m not talking Tiffany Haddish, perform a damn stand up funny. Can you verbally spar with a man? Do you have wit? Can you recall a funny story? Are you able to point to something in the vicinity and make a funny observation? If the answer is “yes” then congratulations because not many women do that. Are you nasty? Yeah, you can recite rap lyrics about getting your ass ate and if this date goes well you might send him a nude, but 9 out of 10 women do that. In my book Ho Tactics, I broke down the psychology of what turns a man on because so many females are way too conservative to tread into that realm. You don’t want to come off like a hoe or a freak. Common sense dictates that a man will assume he’s going to hit by the end of the night regardless of what you say. You could read Bible verses and he’ll still try to get your bra off the moment you’re alone. Don’t let opinions curve your seduction techniques. When I say get nasty, I’m talking about promoting the idea of you as a sexual being. The way you dress. The way you yawn. The way you touch his hand or shoulder when he makes you laugh. It should all spell out S-E-X. When you’re talking, there is always an opportunity to say something slightly filthy. “Work has been killing me this week.” Smile, and grin, “See, I was hoping you had stamina.” That kind of daring retort will have a man in the palm of your hand. The more you bait him with lines like that or accidental touching, the more he wants you. By the time you give him a goodnight hug, there won’t be a doubt that he’s going to do whatever he can to see you again because you inspired lust and you left an impression with your personality. You’re the kind of Unicorn other girls only pretend to be.

PART 3: Securing the Right Man



Vetting = Taking time to learn a person’s true self via dates. Use This Always!

FOOL’S GOLD: “GL, I did everything in your book and I ended up with a guy, but he turned out to be trash just like the rest of them.” Is a real email I received. This woman and I corresponded for about a month and she laid out the entire relationships and without me saying anything she realized why she ended up with a trash ass man—she ignored the red flags because she really wanted him to work. We’re all in a rush. It’s an A.D.D generation where we want to stop dating and get into a relationship. Ladies, everything I write has been proven to work. Not because of me, but because you all are capable of Bossing up and taking what you want—men, job opportunities, anything. The warning label on life reads that not everything you want or attain will be right for you. You can make a list, do a vision board, manifest what you put your mind to, and then realize it wasn’t at all what you imagined. Know that you will have to let go of people, that you will misjudge character, and that some masks don’t come off at first pull. Fool’s Gold shines like the real thing, but it doesn’t hold up to constant inspection. That’s why you can’t afford to put all your eggs in ONE basket.

DATE MULTIPLE MEN: Every single woman should date multiple men. This doesn’t men sleep with, spend the night with, or even kiss multiple men. Dating means dating. You allow each man you deem worthy to take you out in order to impress you enough for another date. Simple. You meet Robert this week and yet met Jake last week. You don’t choose one or the other, you let them both take you out and see who is the most impressive. When men compete—YOU WIN. No excuse about how you don’t have the time or energy to juggle that many guys. If you can have ten tabs open on your phone and switch through four social media apps like it’s nothing, you can set up a date for Saturday and a date for Sunday. It’s not that hard. What you’re doing is trying to play nice. You want to seem like a loyal woman. LMAO! You’re loyal to an actual boyfriend not a guy who’s taking you out to AMC for popcorn and a movie. By dating multiple men, you level the playing field and keep yourself from being desperate. A woman with no options is more likely to settle than a woman with a roster.

A not so secret is that the more jealous you can make a man, the better. I’m not talking about flirting with guys in front of him or telling him he’s the third date of the week. Be smart and strategic. If he asks if you’re dating other people, tell him you’ve been testing the waters like any single woman should then flip it back on him. If he wants to know more details about other men, be aggressive and stern by telling him to focus on the two of you because he currently has your attention. Basicas never do this because they are scared to death about turning a man off. Spartans do it all the time because they understand that a man who knows he’s not your only option will work harder. Inside every grown man is a little boy that still has to be first. Use this knowledge! 

Remain vocal, never become a “Yes Woman” who wants to just lay up under a man

SAY WHAT YOU WANT: Today’s men no longer have to play along as if they want to be your man. “I’m not looking for anything serious,” or “I’m cool with being friends,” works in terms of getting sex. There are women that will actually go along as if they don’t have feelings for a guy. Get sucked into his world. Start to really like him and allow him to get girlfriend benefits as—just friends. Are you crazy or stupid? Pussy runs this world! You don’t have to compromise with a man to keep him around. If you want to build to a relationship not a situationship, tell him. If you know that “Friend” is a code word, object and tell him you’re not looking for a friend, you’re looking for someone that can potentially grow into a man. It doesn’t matter if a man is claiming he’s too busy, that his heart is still healing from the last girl, or that he’s just not sure, you are the master and commander of who you give your time to. Stop holding your tongue and going with the flow. “I’m not dating anyone else, no harm in just having a friend.” Yes there is, because you’re leading yourself on with a man who is going to end up choosing someone else in the end. She’ll get an easy lane to his heart and you’ll feel like a sucker for believing the excuses that he gave to you that suddenly don’t apply to her. You’re a grown ass woman, the moment you feel that a man has potential open your mouth. Don’t text it. Don’t beat around the bush. Say what you want. And if he doesn’t feel the same way—GOOD! You just saved yourself months of playing house to some one that was looking to lease not buy.

Epilogue: Prioritize Yourself

She comes before he. Your plans shouldn’t be compromised for his. Being a partner is a two-way street, just like he can reschedule, move you around, and cancel, you should never feel guilty if things pop up that will benefit your life. He will complain, suck his teeth, and get in his feelings. But the woman that does her, despite a man’s objections will always train her mate to respect her time, not waste it.

I’ve gone deeper on a lot of these topics in my books and on my site, but for those of you lost in the sauce, let this be a smack in the face to take the next step on the road to Spartanhood.

Tweet

Thanks for reading Dating Secrets That Every Woman Should Know

It’s that season, to let someone you didn’t even like at first, waste your time for no reason…If I allowed you all to peek into some of the emails I get around the turn of the year, you would see things like, “He’snot my type but…” “He’s married but…”“He used to talk to my former best friend but…” “I’m not physically attracted to him but…” even, “I’m not a lesbian but…” Each of these stories have one thing in common, they show women making exceptions in terms of who they date because it’s the winter time aka SETTLE SEASON.

It was once written that from the day after Halloween to the day after Valentine’s Day, a man has his best chance to convince a woman to take a chance on him. Think about that from the POV of a Top Shelf Woman. You’re single, the parties are drying up, it’s becoming too cold to go to the club, and holiday fever begins to pelt your brain with this idea that you need someone to share these special times with. Thanksgiving brings the interrogation by family members about who you’re talking to or why haven’t you found that “right boy” yet. Christmas is a month-long build around who’s going to buy you something, take you somewhere, or be there to cuddle up and watch Love Actually with you. New Years is a celebration of the future, a proclamation this coming year will be better than next, but it’s hard to keep a hopeful spirit when you’re ringing in the new year alone as fuck, watching people on TV or at a party kiss as the ball drops. From there, it’s a blitz towards V-Day where our culture makes it clear that if you don’t have someone by the 14th of February then there must be something wrong with YOU. It’s all manufactured sadness, but that doesn’t make the emotions you feel any less real. The truth is you’re tired of being alone…

The solution for most women isn’t to Spartan up and go find the kind of man they want, it’s to be more receptive to hearing offers from damn near anyone that approaches her in public, slides in her DMs, or tries to get a friend of a friend to set him up. From work or school guys, to ex-boyfriends (yours or your former friends), and internet strangers, the winter isn’t as lonely as it seems because you will get pressured from all walks of life. The catch is 4 out of 5 of these men will be considered “not my type” based on looks, personality, or overall energy. Still, it’s cold, you’re not as busy as the summer or fall, and those jewelry commercials are making you long for someone to spoil you. What follows is you give your attention to one of these guys, he takes the ball and runs with it to the point where you kind of like him, and the next thing you know you’re either boo’d up or getting dicked down by the type of guy who you feel embarrassed by or suspect is using you.

One of my oldest readers reached out to let me know she was finally listening to the audio version of MDLWLY. People don’t just message me to tell me that, something was off. The real reason she returned to that book was that she was confused. She started to entertain a man who was suspect because it’s cold on the East Coast and she was bored. This guy was on his best behavior, got the sex, then started acting weird. She KNEW what was going to happen. She’s smart, very pretty, and well read in terms of all that I write, but she still got caught slipping because, say it with me- it’s settle season, and that’s what far too many great women do—settle for something warm and hard. Today I’m going to talk to those of you experiencing this or who will soon experience it before the season changes.

Warning 1 – Boredom Upgrades

Lust causes temporary insanity. It makes a committed man risk it all when alone in a room with a tempting woman. It makes an educated woman go dumb over a fuck boy when he’s spraying the right compliments in her ear. It makes everyone reading this, go against their own common sense, and end up right back here going through my archives for advice. Human beings are impulsive to the point where we get tunnel vision and convince ourselves that we should have what we want in the moment with no regard to the next day. One reason you should avoid committing during settle season is that you’re not thinking properly. Your brain will make an excuse at every red flag, which will then cause several signs of toxic behavior to be missed on the road to catching feelings and/or having sex too fast.

He’s not that funny, you’re just bored. He’s not that handsome, you just don’t have anyone else flattering you and showering attention. His dick isn’t that bomb, you’re just insanely horny. That Ex is not a changed man, he’s just wearing a tighter mask to hide the fact that he’s the same piece of shit you used to know. The guy at work is not really into you, he just sees that you’re being more receptive than normal so he shoots his shot. That corny guy with money is not a sucker who’s going to trick and spoil you, he’s just a treat who’s going to spend enough to create the illusion until those legs spread. Always give yourself a cooling off point to analyze why you want a person. Lusting after attention, sex, money, or general companionship blinds your common sense, and by the time you realize it the damage will already be done. “What was I thinking dealing with him,”you weren’t thinking, and that’s the problem.

Ladies, I know the game. I’ve run the game. I have buddies who are currently knee deep in this game and winning. Stop saying, “But what if”as you look to make him the exception and instead pump your breaks. If this guy is a stranger that’s worth your time, an ex that seems remorseful, or any viable option, what’s wrong with being patient? Stop rushing to let him come over because it’s cold and you don’t want to date properly. Stop texting him every day because life is slow, and you need entertainment. Stop being lazy and sloppy! Check your hormones and learn to masturbate before you allow the long days to make you easier to fuck than usual. If he wants you and if you want him,cool, but this time should be used to build not already hook up on an accelerated schedule, so you can live out some Zale’s commercial fantasy.

Warning 2 – The Options Test

Someone made a joke that Lira Mercer and Kaylar Will didn’t have any standards because they let some ugly rich dude bust them down raw. I shook my head at that level of judgement because the same woman tweeting that joke once slid in my DMs crying about an ugly broke dude who hit it and ghosted her. Pot calling Kettle, do you copy?

The fact of the matter is most of you reading this date down because the type of men you want don’t come your way… and if they do, you’re too shy to talk or flirt with them. ‘Tis the season to let all kinds of men who you wouldn’t talk to in the summer infiltrate your mind, heart, and vagina. A woman with a lack of options transforms into a woman with lowered standards because the lack of success rattles her confidence to the point where she damn near anyone in. So how do you keep yourself honest so that the standards in your head match those in real life? I want each woman who gets approached over the next few months to run a test on themselves.

Step 1) Does this guy meet your minimum standards of looks,career, ambition, and respect for women?

Step 2) If you were alone at a bar, is he the type of guy you would blindly start talking to or engage with if he spoke first?

Step 3) If you had another guy on your roster, would you still be giving this guy your time?

The fact of the matter is women don’t date multiple men,they date one at a time, allowing that ONE man to monopolize her time and steal her heart. The irony is that women are very picky on the surface. Most can look at a guy on a Reality Show and judge how unattractive he is. Yet, in real life they give their numbers out to guys who don’t look as good as the guy who they deem ugly on TV. My friend in Atlanta had a list that she would use when texting men before she allowed them on a date, but she only used it once and went back to dating whoever asked nicely take her out. I point these things out because each of those steps above you think you can do… but when push comes to shove it takes energy to date with standards, and a lot of you don’t want to put energy into your love life, you just want Magic Mike to drop in your lap.

Why do men who aren’t that attractive approach you? It’s not because you’re ugly. Why do players approach you? It’s not because they think you’re dumb. Men take calculated risks, no matter if he’s ugly, fat, broke, has a girlfriend already, or is misogynistic, he’s banking on catching you at the right time when your self-esteem is low. Most of these men won’t meet your standards, but you will give them a shot because you don’t have anyone else. Most of these guys aren’t the type you would approach or even chit chat with if you were in the same line at Starbucks because they don’t have the swag you desire. Finally, most of these guys wouldn’t even get a text back if you had another man trying to win you over. Nevertheless, he sneaks into your life, he wins you over, and he proves that you aren’t as picky as you are in your head. I don’t give a fuck how lonely you get, how bad you want a Christmas present, or not to be alone on NYE, if the guy chasing you doesn’t past the Options Test from above, then you shouldn’t be talking to him.

Warning 3 – Catching Feelings

I get it, you’re a grown ass woman who can date, fuck, or simply kill time with whoever she wants to, and you don’t see the crime in that. I know that personality type well, but I also know how those strong and stubborn women ultimately end up when they play with a fire called “emotional bonding”. While there are those who can have casual sex, smoke and watch Netflix, or simply partner up with a guy to cuddle and make out with for a few months, it’s rare. We as men are possessive and competitive. Think about how men act like we DON’T want anything serious, only to amp up our behavior and treat you like it is serious? It’s confusing right?Men aren’t bi-polar, they’re just full of shit. Show an egotistical or narcissistic guy a woman who just wants to chill, and I’ll show you a man that keeps upping his game until she’s more like his wife than his Ozark cuddle buddy. He doesn’t want you for real, he just wants to prove to himself that he has the power to win you over, despite whatever “I’m not looking for a relationship” excuse you gave at the start.

You hear what I’m saying but you’re not the type to get caught up. Yeah, okay… One of the main reasons you shouldn’t commit or give too much of your energy during settle season is that feelings aren’t like faucets. Every woman has an emotional trigger. A guy who doesn’t want anything can be a turn on that makes certain ladies chase. A guy who opens up about his life and even sheds tears can win over a woman who used to think all men were cold and detached. A guy who speaks your love language and shows you the level of attention you’ve always wanted will be a shock to your system that has you falling in love (and on his dick) without warning. I don’t care how hard you are or how emotionless you pretend to be, if you spend enough time with someone that responds to your personality in a positive way, puts a smile on your face, and touches your heart, you will catch serious feelings even in a casual situationship. Don’t be one of these women that think they’re in control, only to realize that some guy she never took seriously has her in her feelings.

Waring 4 – Catching The Holy Ghost(ed)

Ghosting before Christmas, Ghosting at the top of the new year, Ghosting before V-Day plans get solidified. I’ve seen it all over the years and it’s usually those women who said they wouldn’t catch feelings that are left looking like idiots.

Spartan Lesson 36: Men will win you over just to prove they could win you over, feel satisfied with their conquest, then leave you without warning to go chase someone new.

Are you a Spartan or are you a Basica? Basicas don’t see this hustle coming because they’re filled with lust, are thirsty for winter company, or are too high on their own ego to recognize that even a man that isn’t handsome, isn’t rich, and isn’t very smart can still play you. “He didn’t use me, I used him.” If that were true you wouldn’t be stalking his IG, searching for pictures of his new girl, and venting about the situation to everyone who will listen.

If you only wanted to use a guy as a winter-time boy toy then you should have fucked him twice and blocked his number. You kept fucking him, you kept bonding with him, you kept allowing that little Disney Princess mentality that you have yet to banish from your mind gas you up into thinking this guy you barely wanted may be what you needed. Of course, it hurt like hell when he ghosts you because your ego blinded you to the fact that you’re not as irreplaceable as you tell the internet you are. Every woman can get played if she opens herself up to manipulation. Over-stand that before you blindly hook up with someone you don’t think is a threat to your heart.

Bonus – Men Settle Too

There are just as many insecure men as there are women. It may seem like females struggle with love the most, but males, especially those under 30, are so scared of rejection that during settle season they go for what they consider low hanging fruit. The woman at his job that’s not as pretty as the other ladies– and knows it. The voluptuous woman who thinks she’s too fat to find love. The young chick who’s naive and inexperienced– but legal enough that it doesn’t seem creepy for him to holler. These are just a few of the types guys with low self-esteem chase after, sweep off their feet, then realize that something isn’t right. If you want to understand the mind of men, look no further than how hot he runs when in the grip of passion, then after it wears off he’s distant and mumbling shit like, “I need to figure myself out first…“ Um, shouldn’t you have figured that out before you stuck your dick in her and told her you loved her, playboy?

I write a lot about male confidence building in my book She Ain’t It, because it’s a waste of time to go after those you feel are flawed in order to get the level of love you want from your ideal woman. It’s not that these men are bad guys or even plan this out consciously, it’s often a knee jerk reaction that has them flirting with someone against type, and because he’s just as lonely and as just as horny as the woman he’s pursing is, and it goes too far. Of course this leaves those women asking, “Why did you even chase me if you didn’t want me.” To which that confused man is left shrugging his shoulders. Ladies, these men are emotionally stupid. Hopefully by hurting your feelings he will learn to mature, but in the meantime you have to look out for yourself. If someone is suddenly showing you more attention than normal or being extra, ask yourself what his agenda is before gobbling it up.

Warning 5 – Getting Stuck

The final reason to stay single during Settle Season is simple. Your options will improve along with the temperature. Think about how happy people are in summer, energy radiates, that positive vibe you feel projects outward. If you want to talk about the Law of Attraction, then why wouldn’t you attract more during a season where you feel the best? Men will come out of nowhere trying to talk to you, you’ll be bold enough to flirt with guys randomly, you may even bump into an old crush who finally takes notice. All these romantic gifts will keep rolling in, but you can’t do shit about it because you chose to settle down with a guy that wasn’t your type. One by one guys who you would take down in an instant pop into your life and you must force yourself to stay positive about a winter time“something to do” project who you ignorantly chained yourself to.

I talk a lot about toxic men, but there are just as many, if not more, guys who are total sweethearts and who won’t play you, ghost you, or manipulate you in any way. As you know, being nice and sweet doesn’t make him right for you. One email I received years ago was from a woman who cheated on her “nice guy” because he wasn’t exciting. In her story she wrote that they met when she went out Thanksgiving night, she only gave him her number because she hadn’t been on a date in six months, and they ended up official because he did treat her special during that first 3-month honeymoon stage. Her GUT INSTINCT told her he wasn’t it, but she pushed it down and kept going as if this “nice guy” was a messenger from god. Here she was by May, bent over another man’s couch, unsure how to breakup with a boyfriend she no longer wanted. Cold World.

Ladies, I know you want to live the prototypical winter love story and have someone you can bundle up with when there’s little to do and every commercial is about being in love. Fuck that noise. You’re going to make a bad decision because you can’t see the forest through the trees! Your social life will pick up again, you’ll be able to go out and look cute in your spring outfits or rock that new hairstyle minus a hat or coat, and there will be various men who are drawn to you once you are in a better mood. To short change yourself for temporary relief is a crime against your own future!

This isn’t to say, “don’t date at all”. This is a warning to always date, but to do so at the highest level regardless of the season. What do I write about in all my books and throughout the archives of this site—Date smart, date fearless, and date like you’re the prize because you are. Let go of that basic mindset that you’re not going to find anyone new, that one option is better than no option, or that you’re not good enough to attract what you really need. Have faith in yourself, Queen.

Take numbers, be open minded, stay aggressive, and go on dates, but never let a lack of instant success force you to give up a roster spot if you’re not truly blown away. It doesn’t matter what month it is, what situation you’re recovering from, or how low or high you’re feeling about your dating life, your self-worth must remain untouchable. Walmart has 50% off holiday sales, not Gucci. You’re a luxury brand, act like it.

Tweet

Life could be so simple if the man you like/love/crush on would just stop playing games. Why is he so hot and cold? Why is he unwilling to fully commit? Why does he push you away only to pull you back in? Is he testing you? Is it your fault? Him Him Him, is all you think about and it’s driving you crazy! Truth Bomb: The man you want doesn’t actually want you. He can say that he loves you, explain all the reasons why he needs more time, or shift the blame to you as the reason he acts the way he does, but regardless of the details, it doesn’t change the fact that you are sinking in a boat known as “Relationship Purgatory”. The dark side of dating is that for every cute social media couple there even more messy situationship couples who are trapped in one of the following:

On Again Off Again – Two people that are technically in a relationship but are always going on break then getting back together to the point where neither knows what they are anymore.

Friends With Benefits – Two people that have agreed to use each other for sex and/or company with a loose agreement that neither wants something serious.

Stalled Dating Stage – Two people that are deep into the dating stage, but no one has brought up exclusivity, therefore both remain single, frustrating the person who wants to be in a real relationship.

Unofficial Yet Official – Two people that agree not to see anyone else and do everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do, yet keeps the option for someone new open by not committing to a label or title.

Few people in those relationships listed above are happy, they’re content and satisfied in the moment when they’re with that person, but no woman wants to be in some half-ass relationship where she doesn’t 100% know what to label it. You’re giving Girlfriend Benefits to a man who isn’t even sure about you– you proud of that? You’re giving Wife Benefits to a guy who doesn’t even return your calls– this the life you imagined? As you all know, I get an enormous amount of email each week. A constant question is, “How can I get him to be like he used to?” or “How can I tell him that I changed my mind and want a commitment?” I bet the most googled question after the guy you’re crazy over has YET to text back is: Why won’t he let me go if he doesn’t want me.

“This Could Be Us But You’re Playing“. Ha! In a man’s mind there is no “us”. If he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen. If he’s “playing” then he’s telling you to read between the LINES: He doesn’t want to live a fairy tale with you, he just wants to keep milking the cow for free until a better version of you comes along! Common sense isn’t so common when feelings get involved. No matter how smart you are, falling in love will make you do some basic ass things, like hold on for too long and allow a man to waste the best years of your life. Today I’m going to talk about insight into the male mind. I’ve written about the solution to this problem in my book, but sometimes it’s not about what to do, it’s about the “why”. When your heart is breaking, you don’t want someone telling you to walk away, you just want to know why this man has changed—Is it you? Is it another woman? Is it him? There’s no way to jump into the mind of all men and generalize, but I will try to shed light on the top reasons I’ve seen, heard, witnessed, and even done myself.

You Lost Your Luster

Looks. Personality. Attitude. If any of these things change in a man’s mind while dating or in a relationship with you, he will lose interest quick. Let’s backtrack and take you through each trait starting with Looks. As men, we go for looks above all else, you know that. The thing 90% of women lose track of is that when we talk about “looks” it isn’t about being Magazine Cover pretty, it’s a wide net that encompasses a bunch of x-factors which inspires LUST. Men chase their fetishes. All any woman has to do to attract a man is to have some trait that taps into a fetish, which then inspires his lust. He’ll give chase, and at that point you’re in control. While he’s hypnotized and thinking with his dick or getting overly romantic, that’s when you can fully win him over with your personality and attitude. Sounds easy right? No, because most women don’t understand male lust enough to use it against them. They see a cute boy chasing them, get excited, and give in to him without exercising power over his lust-filled MIND. For example, I once dated a girl who had these incredible breasts but an okay face. It was only after sex that the lust dissipated and I realized that she wasn’t at all what I wanted. My hormones fetishized her and there was no real personality trait that changed my mind to look past that. This is how men operate on a subconscious level. Other men may be more into a big butt, a certain skin tone, lip size, shit I even have a friend who is obsessed with extremely muscular women. The point is, each man you meet will take a look at you and like you on the surface because no matter how you look, there is a fetish aspect that triggers him to chase you… at first that is.

Personality and Attitude are deeper than looks, but it can also be misleading. When you first met this guy, he saw you on your best behavior. On a date or during that first week of texting, you’re a novelty act, saying all the right things and having all of those exciting new conversations where you talk about your past and future. Men aren’t these tough creatures, we fall fast and get swept up in the idea of a woman we first meet because she’s new and vibrant. The attitude you display matches this positive personality because you have no reason to get smart, be defensive, or raise your voice this early on. If you have above average charm, then that first week or so you’re going to come off like the perfect woman. You’re being different from these Basicas he’s used to dating, and he repays this by giving you his attention and affection to the point where it feels like you’ve finally won at love. This is the point where most of you were the happiest. It seemed to be going up up up…then suddenly the wheels fall off. Why? The luster wore off on either your Looks, Attitude, or Personality.

No matter how tight your vagina is, sex alone won’t keep his attention after he’s had his fill.

Being pretty eventually wears off, and he goes from “oh my god” to “oh, it’s her“.

If your personality gives way to normal chit chat and redundant questions, he becomes bored.

Losing your luster happens silently. He doesn’t say anything, but you feel it, don’t you? It drives you crazy that you can’t read his mind to ask him why he’s not reacting to you like he used to or why his energy level is dying out. But you don’t need to read his mind to understand what’s going on. When a man is inconsistent, isn’t trying to move forward, or giving you bullshit reasons for why the relationship has stalled, think about Looks, Personality, and Attitude. He most likely doesn’t think your “pretty” is worth it anymore. Why? The fetish has been satisfied. He had sex with you or got to the point where sex with you wasn’t even something he wanted any longer because you stopped turning him on. Next up is personality. In this case, he still wants you physically but now that he’s gotten to know you emotionally he doesn’t like the things you’re into or talk about. Finally, you have your attitude. He’s no longer trying to make things official because your attitude is shitty. Maybe you do have an attitude problem that makes you annoying, but most likely it’s him not being able to handle the real you. Now that you’re comfortable around him you stand up for yourself or argue points more than you did when you were in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Remember that some men like the novelty of new women because it’s fun and they can get away with things, once you two bond and you start to speak your mind or make demands, it turns off controlling or narcissistic men. He didn’t sign up for a strong woman, he wanted the weak, nice, and submissive, so now that the luster is gone he’s waiting for the right time to ghost you or have a reason to cut ties.

You Weren’t Who He Thought You Were

It would be unfair for me to blame the man for everything, there are many cases when the cooling off isn’t due to his own ego or immaturity, but yours. I’ve come across several women who needed to work on themselves, not date, because their entire disposition was toxic. A wise person never points fingers outward until they first point them inward! Who are you as a woman? Are you nagging? Are you clingy? Are you annoying? Are you jealous? Are you eternally pessimistic? Do you overthink everything? Do you like to argue just to argue? Are you a boring homebody? Are you an attention seeking party girl? Do you live for internet likes? Do you live for gossip? Do you actually have things you’re doing with your life? Are you the type of woman that leads or follows? It may seem like men only care about sex, but we do pay attention to deep character traits as well. The reason he doesn’t want you anymore could have everything to do with you not measuring up to the high expectations he projected when you two first met.

“She was so cool at first,” I’ve heard my male friends say this line time and time again. It’s only a matter of time before everyone’s masks comes off, and they’re exposed as either the love you wanted, or the wake up call you needed. For instance, my friend dated a woman who was all about being an entrepreneur and had some great business ideas, then her talk stopped, and her demons came out in the form of drinking too much and blaming all of her setbacks in life on her mother. Again, who are you? Are you fake-deep, fake-positive, or just on a high after reading the latest gimmick self-help book? The Daddy Issues will come out and he won’t want you. The pain from your ex will come out and he won’t want you anymore. The self-loathing you carry around will come out and he won’t want you anymore. Men aren’t trying to fix what another man broke! He’ll hang in there, pretend that everything is fine, but all he’s doing at that point is waiting for a right time to exit your life.

You Were Just Something To Do

Let’s keep it real, many of you will become involved with men who don’t think that you are that attractive, that charismatic, or that interesting. Why would any man chase a woman he doesn’t think highly of? Because men always need something or someone to do, when bored! You were a woman who happened to be at the right place during the right time in his life, and he pursued you because it was convenient and easy. That may hurt to read, but I’m not going to hold your hand and sugar coat this, so you keep allowing men to pick you up and put you down like some toy. You need to know how guys think so you can stop letting your ego blind you. You are a good time girl, low maintenance, and require little energy exertion because you just want to be picked. Any savvy man can spot a weak and lonely woman with little to no options, so he will keep you around until he totally exhausts your usefulness. That’s it. All of the sweet words he says—lies to keep you on the leash. All of the nice things he did for you—keeping up appearances so you stay put. All of the things you swear prove that he cares about you—just a magic trick to maintain the status quo. You’re a placeholder, a seat filler, Ms. Inconsequential.

He Wants Someone Else

There are men who truly love you, at one point maybe they were even In Love… but he was presented with the temptation of something better and now he’s souring on you as “the one”. Shit happens. We live in an age where even the most average guy is exposed to beautiful women who are only one keyboard stroke away. We live in a world where single women are often turned on by a taken men, and don’t mind showing your “guy friend” she’s a better fit. Men who were never truly in love are easily tempted. How do you know it’s another woman and not one of the other things I’ve listed? You will notice a change overnight when he’s set his sights on another woman. Men can juggle women in terms of sex, but few can juggle them in terms of emotions. If his mind is filling with thoughts of her, he doesn’t want to take you on dates, do romantic things, or give you any of the treatment you were accustomed to because that energy is reserved for this new girl. Sure, he can still fake a kiss, sex, and play the role of putting you first, but the fact that he’s changed up and is confusing you with his actions is usually proof that another woman has replaced you on the pecking order. Maybe he’ll leave you for her once he finds the courage to break the news to you. Maybe she really doesn’t want him and he’ll be forced to stick it out with you for a little longer. Either way, trust your gut when it whispers, “He must have found a new girl,” because 8 out of 10 times, it’s true.

He’s A Coward

Not every male you meet will be a man. There are countless guys with little boy mentalities when it comes to love. Relationships scare emotionally immature men because they know they have flaws that will eventually lead them to screwing up a good thing. It doesn’t matter how loyal, considerate, or drama free you are, if a guy has a history of heartbreak he won’t know how to receive what you’re trying to give. The more energy you poor into trying to get him to trust and love you, the more he will push you away because it’s not about you fixing him, it’s about him needing time to grow into a man on his own. A “good woman” is not the cure for a broken man! If you’re feeling confused as to what you’re doing wrong or guilt over not being able to make him act right, you need to stop buying into this idea that love cures all. A lot of these men are damaged, emotionally stunted, and flat out cowards who only know how to behave during that honeymoon period. The more they start to feel vulnerable, the more they start to panic. Fear of being loved causes anxiety. They lash out at you, throw other women in your face, or ghost you, because they are afraid to put their heart in the hands of a woman who could hurt them. Once his anxiety dissipates, he comes running back with hollow words of appreciation, gifts, and maybe a few weeks of consistent behavior that wins you back. It’s a hustle, beloved. Stop trying to convince him you’re not like the rest, and find someone that is healthy enough to recognize, receive, and repay real effort and love.

Accept That He Will Never Be Into You

“Why is he being so hard to read?” He isn’t being hard to read, he just doesn’t like you. The problem is you can’t accept that someone who got to know you, slept with you, and witnessed the best you had to offer can still be like—Nah this ain’t it. Your ego pushes you on the defensive and you think of every other excuse as to why this man is acting different… except the obvious fact that you’re no longer his type or were never his type from the beginning. Stop trying to rationalize toxic male behavior by looking for clues and look dead in the face at what his actions are telling you. His inconsistency is proof that he’s gone cold on you. Move. The. Hell. On.

BUT G.L., he keeps reaching out to me to apologize, he is starting to act way nicer, I blocked his number and he still found ways to contact me. This effort proves that a part of him DOES want me….

Oh Basica, let me break this down one last time– Most men don’t like to burn bridges. So long as he can get sex, attention, or other benefits that you’ve spoiled him with, he will not let you move on. If you try to give him an ultimatum, he’ll fight to keep you, not because he loves you, but because he loves having control over you. If you try to get another man, he’ll act jealous, not because he wants you back, but because he’s greedy and competitive. A man being nicer than before or making an effort AFTER the fact, isn’t proof of change, it’s proof that he always knew how to treat you, but never felt a need to do so until you fell back on him. What’s wrong with your mind that you think chasing you is the same as caring about you? Stop reading too deep into the basic actions of manipulative men and find a guy who will give you that energy the jump! You can’t allow mixed signals to chain you to a hot and cold man that pushes you away then pulls you back. You can’t allow the fear of never finding someone as compatible as he is to make you settle for being a placeholder.

All these women out here, why does he stick around if he doesn’t want me? Because you allow it. No man has power over you unless you give it to him. You keep trying to make it work, you keep hanging in there, you keep looking for ways to make him love you for real, you keep rewarding his behavior with loyalty. Enough is enough! “Let me go, since you act like you don’t want to be with me,” must be replaced with, “I’m gone.” Take control of your life, don’t be a victim.

Tweet

A woman dates a man for three months and after they finally have sex, she pushes him for a commitment. The guy goes to the bathroom, comes back ten minutes later and confesses that he loves her BUT already has a girlfriend and he wouldn’t feel right. He felt right about dating this woman. He felt right about texting her nearly every day. He felt right about putting his face between her legs… but now he’s thinking about his girlfriend. The woman who told me this story vented about how horrible men are and how she’s through with dating. I simply asked— Did you miss the red flag of his relationship because he was that good at hiding it or did you blind yourself because you wanted him to work?

A man courts a woman for the better half of a year, then they agree to give a real relationship a chance. Not even a week later the girl is in his apartment going through his closet, demanding the passcode to his computer, and accusing him of cheating. Even after the man gives her full range of all of his devices, she’s still not satisfied and it’s an argument every time he doesn’t answer the phone or isn’t home by a certain time. Finally, the man runs into a friend of a friend who says, “Yeah, she burned her ex with an iron while he was sleep.” The guy telling me that story was pointing out to me that no matter how nice you treat females, they’re all crazy and will find a way to push a “good man” away. I simply asked—Did you miss the red flags during the entire year you were dating her because she was that good at hiding her damage or did you blind yourself because you wanted her to work?

Not all men are users and predators and not all women are crazy and overly emotional, if this is all you know, then it’s time to look at the choices YOU MAKE when dating. No one should jump in a relationship after a few weeks, the dating process should last at least 1-3 months before you make a final choice. In that time, you mean to tell me you miss all the signs that this person is sneaky, jealous, has anger issues, or is prone to lies or exaggerations? I know that Red Flags can be hard to spot when you’re caught up in the moment of new love/lust/like but you’re an adult who must take responsibility for his or her choices. This isn’t about easy stuff like if they drink too much, don’t have a job, or any surface level traits you can pick up on. The red flags that ruin most of you are the things you need to look for over time. Don’t cry about effort and not having time to be a detective; a lasting relationship isn’t like a damn Disney movie, it requires actual work. Your only job is to be careful with your heart because the person you’re dating damn sure won’t. If you’ve been on the wrong end of a bad relationship that you now regret, then the security system to your heart and mind is defective. Maybe it’s your ego. Maybe you’re naïve. Maybe you’re plain old slow. Either way, it’s time to fill those holes so no one can every play you for a fool again.

Dating Stage Red Flags

Consistency Holes: The first week or two of dating will have that person on their best behavior, but there are several things you can do to poke holes in their act. For instance, a woman that’s trying to hustle a man out of money or just wants male attention will tease, but she won’t get too intimate. Any smart man knows that body language, if she allows him to kiss her, and her overall energy when reaching out to him will give away her true feelings. “I’m shy… I like to take it slow…” should fade after a few dates, if not that’s an obvious Red Flag that she’s hustling you. The same goes for dating women who are carrying some kind of damage. Snapping when you don’t text back, getting a random attitude, allowing one comment to drastically change her mood. That’s not a result of you not knowing how to talk to women, that’s proof that she’s battling some kind of internal demon. Fear of being rejected, played, or not being good enough will drive a seemingly great girl to sabotage and expose her true self because mentally she’s not built to deal with any man except her asshole exes or similarly damaged guys who speak her toxic love language. As I wrote in She Ain’t It, most men ignore everything I just wrote, not because they’re “Captain Save-A-Ho” but because it’s hard to see past that pretty face or insane body to do the work in the moment.

Women tend to miss Red Flags like Shaq missed free throws. Why? Because men often mask their flaws behind nice treatment. Ladies, think about the blitz a man puts on you when he first meets you. He’s trying his best to impress you and he’s showering you with attention. Even during his “nice guy” sales pitch, there are ways to expose the Red Flags. Communication is a big one. You can’t allow a man to just text you and see you. If he’s hiding a girlfriend, if he doesn’t actually do the work he claimed to do, or if he simply sees you as a new vagina not really worth his time, the communication will be limited to the easy text chit chat. Liars don’t want to get on the phone. On the phone you can ask questions, you can hear what’s going on in the background, you can catch him in his lies instantly. His best bet is to keep it text based and say, “I don’t really like the phone.” Men in relationships can only see you during certain times or call you during certain times, right? Instead of going with the flow, throw a wrench in their game. They text you—call them. They want to go out at 8pm on Friday, tell them to make it for the next night. What this does is open the door to hearing their excuse for not being able to do it, then later testing that excuse…

Red Flag Test: A man that’s juggling other women or who doesn’t really want to date you seriously will ignore your phone call and text back later… he was sleep, didn’t have his phone near him, or in a place with bad service. Obvious lies! A man that has a live-in girlfriend or has another date can’t take you out other than the time he gave you because his weekend is booked. Instead he’ll tell you, “Oh I have to do something for my mother that night.” Another lie. Not every excuse is bullshit, but early on you must push these people outside of their comfort level to see if they keep coming up with similar excuses. If he does that same “my phone didn’t have service” lie the next week—Red Flag. If he can’t meet up on a different day than he tried to arrange for a second week in a row—Red Flag. If the only thing he’s consistent about is trying to see you so he can try for sex and the rest of his life remains a mystery—Red Flag. Stop wasting multiple weeks or months on these clowns, and apply pressure during that first week. If you allow yourself to be led and charmed, you’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, and by the time they show their true colors you’ll feel stupid because you had a chance to stop yourself from falling hard early on.

Crooked Answers: Actions take time to test, but words are instant. When you’re on the phone or in person, your best weapon when vetting is asking deep questions. I wrote about this in MDLWLY and so many women have written in about how it was a life saver. The goal isn’t to catch someone in a lie. The goal is to listen to them tell on themselves or dodge questions. If you ask a woman who just got out of a bad relationship where she was the negative force, what happened to her last boyfriend, you will get a bias and pre-planned response. Everyone is prepared to answer the easy question about why they are currently single, and every will give you a version that makes them seem like the victim. Your job is to flip the script and ask, “What was the last big argument you got in with a man,” and watch how her wheels start spinning. Everyone likes to tell stories and express themselves, right? That question will cause her to open up a little, knock up against some personal pain, and give you a way to easily keep pushing her until she gives away more than she wanted.

The same thing applies for women who are dating men who are full of shit or hiding baggage. Ladies, you will meet guys who lie about everything from the job they have, to the car they actually drive, to their relationship status. Don’t sit on the phone or across from him on a dinner date and let him just flirt and blow smoke up your ass about the moves he’s making, how his ex-girlfriend cheated on him, or any tall tale that makes him a saint. Ask specific things about his job title. Ask about the people he knows. Talk about popping up to visit him at his home. Push him to tell you a real story from his past relationship, not just the generic, “she was crazy,” lines. Liars get nervous when you get near the truth! Dates are meant to softly interrogate not giggle and talk about your horoscopes.

Lazy Effort: A huge Red Flag will come in the form of effort… or lack thereof. The first month or two is the honeymoon period, right? They like you a lot, they’re trying to see you twice in a row, they’re trying to make big plans. It’s a gold rush. Maybe this impassioned effort is because they see you as special or maybe it’s to get you comfortable to the point where they can have sex or exploit you in other ways. Men especially deal in equity. If he took you to a good dinner, brought you something, or did you a favor—He loosens your suspicions. Most of you reading this have dealt with men who didn’t treat you to nice things or weren’t romantic, so to meet a man who goes above and beyond puts him ahead on the score card. Now that he’s ahead on the score card you may notice something interesting. No more fancy dates. No more gifts. No more favors that he has to go out of his way to do. You can’t get too mad, because self-guilt dictates that he did all of that stuff before, so he’ll do it again soon. Soon never comes, and by the time you figure out he hustled you he’s already gotten you to agree to house dates, had sex, or won you over with his personality to the point where you aren’t going to stop talking to him, despite him not treating you the way he did when you first met.

A person’s effort towards you tells you everything you need to know. Expose this Red Flag by keeping your foot on the gas during the dating stage. If you’re not in an official relationship, stay demanding! It’s too early to always want to chill at the house. It’s too early to be telling you they’re too busy or don’t feel like seeing you. It’s too early to be taking you for granted like you’re just some Basic ass side project. If the way they treat you dips each week you know them, it’s not a coincidence, it’s proof that they’re trying to train you to settle for less. Don’t roll with the punches, don’t buy into the excuses that they’re tired or busy, don’t let them guilt you by bringing up the things they did for you in the past. This is the real them, that other person was just a representative. Take this lazy effort seriously as a sign that if you do continue on, things will keep declining to the point where you will be yet another person stuck in an unfulfilling relationship.

Relationship Stage Red Flags…

Runs Away from Talks: Communication is King. It sounds cliché, but most of you don’t know how to communicate about how to communicate. Follow me? You know how to bring things up after the fact, you know how to act passive, you know how to erupt when you’re sick of holding it all in. But do you know the art of killing arguments before they form? Every couple needs at least an hour of alone time to just talk. Forget Netflix, forget going out, forget vacations—you need to talk for an hour at least three times a week. In long relationships the conversations become about nothing. How was work—No one cares. Guess what mess your friend got into with her boyfriend—No one cares. What do you want to eat—No one cares. Real talks disappear in long term relationships and gets replaced by chit chat and gossip. Isolate each other from that world and open up about larger topics. Mentally how do you feel? How do they feel? Bring up a TEDTalk or a book you read. If something is bothering you ask for advice. If you have a problem with something they recently did, now’s the time to bring it up calmly. You should be constantly getting to know each other even in a relationship by having Quality Time. If the person you’re with stone walls you, gives you one sentence answers, or isn’t interested in being transparent about their own inner thoughts, then you have a problem. Distance can’t grow if you two are open books. If they shut down or want to keep it chit chat, then it’s only a matter of time before the relationship crumbles.

Attitude Around Others: Watch your girlfriend or boyfriend around other people. Observe how they talk to your friends, how they look at your co-workers, and the comments they make in public about service workers or even random strangers that you come across. I get a lot of email from women who found themselves in abusive relationships. The common trait most times was that their boyfriends isolated them from their friends, talked down to other people, and showed all the signs of being a narcissistic asshole months before they turned their sites on the woman. In the early relationship stage, miserable, angry, and bitter people will direct that energy to other people because it’s too early to take shots at you. Don’t laugh when he says racist remarks, don’t think he has your back when he’s talking down about your friends being snakes, and don’t think he has your back when he nods along that your family members have issues. Once he divides you from your support system, it’s game over. It’s easy to manipulate with half-truths, “I thought you said she was a liar, now you’re listening to her about us?” or “Didn’t your mother say that about your last boyfriend, you know she’s just jealous of you.” Don’t confuse protecting you with preying on you!

Look for a partner who has positive things to say about friends and family or if there are issues, observe how they give you the floor to talk without feeling a need to double down and cosign. A decent person will be all ears, they won’t automatically jump to the negative that they need to be cut off. Give them time alone with your friends or associates, like when going to the bathroom or networking at a party. The more rope you give a person to do something sneaky the greater odds they will do it. When you wait too long to expose the fact that they’re overly flirty, talk too much about personal issues, or puts you down behind your back, you won’t want to address it because you’re in too deep. Use other people as tools to test the person behind the mask sooner than later.

New Routines: How can you grow apart from someone you still love? How can distance form even when you sleep under the same roof? Easy, first the communication breaks down, then the excitement fizzles, and in turn you go from being a couple in love to…furniture—you’re just there. I talk to a lot of women who grow bored with their boyfriends’ lack of romance or creativity, so they start to take on “friends” or hang with girlfriends that are still single and down to have fun. In EVERY one of those cases the girl ends up having a physical or emotional affair because the other guy (or even girl) lights a fire that her boyfriend doesn’t. I personally know several men who can’t stand to be at home with their girls on the weekend and are constantly looking to have a guy’s night or go drinking. Just the other week I got hit with, “Come out with us, your wife got your balls in her hands?” The difference was, I enjoy hanging out with my wife, he loathes hanging out with his girlfriend.

In your relationship, there’s space, and then there’s straying. Pay attention to the Red Flag of new routines because while they start off as innocent they can quickly evolve into something that will tear you apart. Affairs, new circles of friends, and even the realization that they are happier being single without you. If you see this happening, don’t yell, don’t try to limit where they go, hit the source of the problem—why don’t we do things together anymore? Once again, communication is needed along with patience. If you have a talk about incorporating each other into more exciting things and going out more, but they continue to run off to do them, it’s already over.

 

Situationship Stage Red Flags…

Control Minus the Label: Many of you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have a “friend”. Someone that understands that you don’t want anything serious (or so you claim) and is there to scratch your emotional or physical itch while you’re trying to figure out what you really want. The problem with situationships are that they are rarely balanced. A huge Red Flag is when your situationship bae begins to dictate what you can and can’t do and lays a guilt trip when you go against their wishes. For example; If you’re a woman who has a fuck buddy that you see every Saturday, take a week off from seeing him. If he responds by accusing you of seeing someone else, tries to guilt you, or any mind game tactic, then he’s showing you that this isn’t Friends with Benefits, he sees you as his concubine. He wants boyfriend benefits minus the title, because he wants to still sleep with other women as they pop up, while holding onto you. Some women and men don’t mind being controlled because they’re hoping the situationship grows into something legit. Spoiler Alert it doesn’t. For more on that Read THIS ENTRY.

Ghosting: The move of the century is Ghosting. A manipulator realizes that walking away without explanation mindfucks a person to the point where they want them even more. Think about human psychology. No one likes to be ignored. Email, text, DM, phone call—to reach out and not be acknowledged hurts your ego because the other person is basically saying you’re not worth their time. Here you are thinking you’re the shit, and they’re like, “Nah, you’re corny.” In situationships, Ghosting is the lasso that puts you back in place whenever you try to stray. I get at least ten emails a month asking how to turn a friend with benefits situation into a real relationship. Most from women who have already tried gimmicks. Those gimmicks like, ignoring him, going on dates with other men, and making ultimatums don’t work because these ladies aren’t committed to change, it’s a bluff.

Tell a man who sees you as a sex toy or good time girl that he either makes it official or you walk. What happens is that he will give you a heartfelt excuse, then disappear. The key to ghosting is that there is no closure. It’s not, “I can’t be with you, sorry, go live your life.” Instead you get, “I got a lot going on, but let’s talk about it this weekend.” The weekend comes, and he’s gone. You text text text then call call call, and nothing. Instead of being happy that you’re free of this fuck boy, anxiety sets in. You’re now afraid that you pushed him away, and panic. You brainwash yourself to think that he wasn’t that bad, and now will do anything to talk to him so you can clear the air, thus you lower your standards and go back to normal. In the end, he wins because your weak ass emotions made you cave in. You enter back into the situationship with even less power than you had before, because that man now knows that you need him more than he needs you. Ghosting is a powerful weapon when used on a weak mind.

Ego Checks: Words not only hurt, they beat a person down until they no longer have the will to do better. The biggest Red Flag you will ever expose comes in the form of how someone talks down to you. Nothing in life is as simple as it seems, so while you may think you would never let someone disrespect you, reality shows that it happens to even the strongest of minds. Ego checks start off as jokes or side comments. “Getting a little fat,” “Still working that same old job,” “Good job, genius.” Your weight, your career, your intelligence are the easiest things to attack under the cover of “just kidding” but nothing’s funny about Gas Lighting. These manipulators need you to feel like they’re the only ones who want you, that you’re so damaged and flawed that your best bet is to stick it out with them. Spartan Up and understand what’s going on in the moment. They are pinpointing your insecurities and taking shots like a sniper. The moment you hear a cruel joke—check them. The moment they criticize in a way that puts you down without trying to give helpful advice—check them. The moment they curse at you or threaten you, then blame it on their temper, alcohol, or any other factor—leave them. Life is too short to keep giving second and third chances to someone who’s goal is to beat you down until they feel better about themselves.

It’s Okay To Start Over

Every romantic relationship is replaceable. Affirm that right now because the only reason Red Flags slip by is because YOU want to believe in the potential of the person more than the reality of their actions. No matter how good they look, how successful they are, how good they are in bed, or how pretty their words sound, keep your eyes open to the small, yet telling, negative qualities they show over time. Push out this thought that you aren’t good enough to find someone else or that it’s better to stay with the devil you know. You’re more than enough! Flawed individuals want you to buy into the fact that they’re rare, that they’re trying to change, and that you’re going to regret leaving them. It’s all a con job. YOU are the rare one in the relationship, you have the power to find something better, and they will be the ones filled with regret over not treating you better. Know your worth, get your worth, and never tie yourself to a mediocre person when your future has so much better in store for you.

Tweet

Dating should never feel like hard work and relationships should never feel like an everyday struggle. Nevertheless, if you hear the average man or woman talk about the process of finding “the one” you get an earful of doubt. It’s hard out here… I don’t have time… People are so fake… I’m tired… Blah blah blah! Not only is that a trash ass mentality, it’s the sole reason your results are either mixed or limited. As long as you THINK finding someone special is hard, pointless, or that it’s not going to work out for you because it never does, your Universe will grant that wish as those thoughts become reality. You aren’t getting the best results because you’re buying into the brainwashing that life is about being damn near perfect or getting lucky. Wrong. Over the years I’ve personally helped toxic people hit reverse and become successful, coached immature men into husbands, and took women who thought they weren’t attractive and proved that the could snatch a man’s soul! Life is about power. Those who know how to use this power will get what they want, those who don’t will continue to cry and settle. If you’re tired of being a bystander in your own life, read on.

Change Your Mindset

The reason romance is stressful is that most of you are guilty of forcing the issue with people who aren’t compatible. Think about the process of meeting, getting to know a person, and then trying to figure out if you mesh. It’s all done while filled with lust and/or anxiety. How can you be relaxed and impressive when you’re worrying if someone will like you or not? How can you stick to the game plan of getting your value when you’re horny and they’re applying sexual pressure? You can’t prove you are different when you’re giving into basic traits that lead to basic behavior! In order to perform to your best ability no matter if it’s a first date or the first year of a relationship, you need to change your mindset when it comes to your internal weaknesses. Key word being “your“. Most of you give great dating and relationship advice to your friends but your own love life is trash. When you’re talking to other people or looking from the outside in, you don’t have to worry about feelings. Turn the tables and you rarely take your own advice because you’re bias. Why? You haven’t done the internal work, you remain gassed off your ego and defensive attitude.

Let’s pretend that you are a typical woman who knows how everyone else should date, but can’t apply it to her own life. You go on a date with a guy that’s a perfect 10, but in your mind that doesn’t matter because you’re not thirsty… or so you claim. After dating guys you barely like for months, what would your actions show us on the first date when presented with someone who looks good but has red flags? He’s obnoxious, a little too cocky for your taste, and he asked you to pay for drinks on the first date. If that was your friend, you would say, “Make that the last date, he seems like an asshole already.” But this isn’t your friend, it’s you in the driver’s seat which means you judge him based on your options or lack thereof. Yeah, he’s obnoxious but he’s fine as hell and the right kind of tall. Yeah, he’s cocky, but you kind of like having a man that’s sure of himself and can put you in your place. Sure, he asked you to pay, but you aren’t looking for a Sugar Daddy, you’re happy to prove that you’re not a broke bitch. No matter what negatives this man shows on your first date, your brain twists them and makes them “not so bad” because he has pros that turn you on plus you think the alternative is going back to less unattractive or confident men.

I see this story play out weekly when women email me for advice. Ms. High Standards turns into Ms. In Love With An Asshole because she makes the easy choice to keep dating that kind of guy she swore she was better than. Not all men exploit and overachieve because they lie to women, most win because women settle! The hole in your game isn’t that you aren’t smart enough to see when a man isn’t everything you’re looking for, it’s that you are so tired of looking that you settle for the most basic qualities—Looks and Attitude. Exhaustion makes you sloppy, and right now you’re sick of tired of having to do so much work to be happy. You just want “your type” to fall in your lap. Instead “fool’s gold” falls in your lap disguised as your salvation, and because of that exhaustion, you will end up getting used, played, pregnant, or your time wasted. I repeat– CHANGE YOUR MIND FROM THIS LOW VIBRATION.

The best relationship advice I can give any woman who is sick of dating or broken by their current relationship is to remember who you are. This idea that you have to take what’s given is bullshit. This idea that there is one man for you and that if you pass him up you’ll be single forever is propaganda to keep you chained to a mediocre prospect. This idea that you’re not girlfriend pretty, don’t hit the right number on the scale, or lack the personality to make a man fall in love is a lie that you tell yourself. Who are you? Either you’re a woman who has bought into the story that you won’t get what you want and will always have to settle for the best available option or you’re a fucking Spartan Queen who knows no limits to her ability to attract the best of the best.

GODFIDENCE

Your face is as pretty as you believe it is when you look in the mirror. Your body shape is as sexy as you believe it is when trying on clothes. Your personality is as electrifying as you make it when you open your mouth and speak with full confidence. Strength doesn’t come form the external factors, designer brands, college degrees, work titles, waist size, butt size, or what car you’re driving. You’re a woman! Your smile can pull a man into your orbit. Your gaze can make a man nervous. The way you hang on your words can make a man instantly hard. You have so many tools at your disposal, but you rarely use them because you’re stuck in your own head. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s just after sex? Maybe I need to wait until I lose a few more pounds. I wished I looked like my cousin, guys are always chasing her? Why can’t I just find a man that comes up to me, first, I’m sick of putting myself on the line. Hear that? Your mind is filled with weak basic bitch thoughts that destroy your self-esteem and transform you into just another woman struggling to find love. Spartans don’t give into weak thoughts. Spartans don’t let the negative “what if” fester. Spartans don’t make wishes, they make shit happen! Which is it? Are you a Basica or are you a Spartan? Are you going to keep crying about “it’s so hard out here, I’m just going to give up” or are you going to make this world your bitch?

Define what you want in your head, stop going out into the world unsure because all that will lead to is conflicting results. Define what you want in a relationship by using your voice to tell that person your needs. Understand what I’m writing– Don’t assume, don’t shy away, don’t put your future in a man’s hands. Tell him what you’re looking for and know up front if he’s on the same page. Define who you are by being a woman whose actions match her words. You can’t brag about how you’re hard to get then sleep with a guy who did the bare minimum. You can’t claim to be looking for something serious then give your all to someone who is just trying to chill and build. Stop crying about being lied to when you’re the one lying to yourself about how much someone cares about you. You know damn well that their actions don’t measure up to their words, but you’re afraid to admit it! If they wanted you they wouldn’t treat you like shit. If they wanted you they wouldn’t keep stalling. If they wanted you they wouldn’t put you second. Hold yourself accountable for each person you give your phone number to. Make them earn that first date, second date, and free time by consistently proving that they are looking for the same things you are. The days of contradicting yourself, going with the flow, and being low maintenance are over. Nobody is a One of One to be clung onto! Remember, what they won’t do, the next one will.

Remember who you are! You’re not ugly, you’re not a fetish, you’re not a placeholder, you’re not a toy, you’re not cursed or unlucky. Stop hiding your True Self. Show your personality without being tripped up by your nerves. Show your sex appeal without fear of coming off as awkward. Attack life like the Goddess you are because regretting your choices 20 years from now will hurt a lot more than the possible rejection of today. You are a Spartan. Affirm that. Live That. Become that.

You Can Have Anything… Yes, Anything

Tweet

Black Girls Are Easy

As soon as you get into a relationship it’s like a Cuffed Alert goes off and everyone’s suddenly interested. Look at the options when you’re single versus when you’re in a relationship, it’s like the Universe is playing a cruel joke. Between relationships you can’t attract anyone who consistently blows you away. Instead, you keep running into struggle baes who aren’t as good looking, established, or honest as you hoped. Dating is like produce shopping at a 99cent store, you know 9 out of 10 of those apples are going to be rotten by the time you get it home. Then things change… you find the person of your dreams, make it official and all is well, until BLAM! The glow of your commitment shoots up like the Bat Signal, and everywhere you go people are trying to get at you. The irony is, it’s no longer the 99cent brand, it’s Whole Foods quality—every exotic option you always wanted to try is now in your face. Where were they when you were single and lonely as fuck? And more importantly, what do you do when someone you’re feeling puts your relationship to the test?

[image error]

The cliché saying of “the grass isn’t always greener” is just that, a saying. Some times it’s greener as fuck… others times it’s worse. I know a person who broke up for someone new and that relationship ended up being just as bad… but I also know a couple who started off creeping, yet ended up happily married. Each one of you is on an individual journey so you can’t look at anyone else’s results as law. There is no such thing as right and wrong, it's all about who fits you best.Click To Tweet No matter if you have an official boyfriend or girlfriend or someone you’re exclusively talking to, you will meet someone that makes you wonder if you’ve gotten it wrong. In that moment of temptation you THINK you know how you will handle it, but real life plays out different from theory. Over the past year I’ve received emails from women who have cheated or are considering leaving their current boyfriend (or girlfriend) for the potential of another. Here’s an abbreviated version of one of them…

Breaking Up For Someone Better

[image error]India’s Email: “Hey G.L. since we last spoke things have improved but I didn’t quite take your advice. Remember **** the coordinator guy? I confided in him about my boyfriend around the same time I sent you that birthday recap and we have been talking after work like every day. It has gone from sitting in his car to grabbing dinner. Last Monday he made his move and kissed me. I did tease him about being afraid of me a few times, so I won’t sit here acting like it was unprovoked. I kissed him back but that’s all, I swear. Today we had a talk about it and he told me that he wants me to leave **** and start seeing him without all of the secrecy. He has made it clear that he is not a homewrecker and I believe that. He’s such a great guy who wants to take things slow and he understands me on a level that **** doesn’t. I know what you’re going to say, but wouldn’t it be smart if I played along and dated him while still in my relationship with ****? Also, what are your thoughts on sex at this stage? I don’t want to be that dummy that leaves her man for a guy with a trash penis lol. I think I know what to do but I’m scared, please help…”

By the time I was able to respond “India” had already fucked the new guy. By the end of the month the new guy had called India’s boyfriend and told him what went down and laid claim to her. Then all hell broke loose at home and at her job because both men became really petty. Right now, India’s single and neither man is talking to her. In short, she handled a delicate situation in the most Basica way ever. That’s not to pile on India. Most of you are in this same position or will be in the near future. In the age of social media, you will be tested by something that looks too good to resist. In the age of aggressive shot takers, “I have someone,” will only make them try harder. So many men crack at the first pretty girl that throws it at them and so many women are emotionally unprepared for romantic pressure from men that check all of her “husband material” boxes. There are people you will come across who compliment you much better than the person who you thought was your so-called “soul mate” and it’s time to take a realistic look at it.

[image error]I’ve written about how to take someone’s boyfriend, but I’ve never explored getting rid of your own for something new. The truth is that we’re all subject to temptation, especially when we’re in a relationship that isn’t going as great as it once was. There will always be other people who look better, talk better, or just have that vibe that makes you consider a switch. No matter if it’s someone new at work, an ex from the past, or a stranger who catches your eyes in public or on social media, you can easily get caught up. If there’s doubt or curiosity, love alone isn’t going to stop you from entertaining what they have to say. You just had a fight—they’re there to remind you that you have another option. You don’t feel appreciated—they’re there to offer you attention. You’re feeling irritated and distant—they’re there to put a smile on your face and breath new energy into your day. It’s not about sex or being greedy, it’s about the fear that you chose wrong. The more cracks in your relationship there are, the more tempted you will be to give that person a shot at proving that they can treat you better. Even if you try to fight it at first, each new argument or problem will make you think, “Damn, I should give such and such a chance.” This is not something you can talk to people about because you don’t want to be judged as disloyal or a cheater. Yet, despite the guilt, the feelings remain… Is this person better for you than your current boyfriend or girlfriend? There’s only one way to find out. Let’s start with the women then get to the men.

The Four Men That Will Ruin You

There’s no such thing as a soul mate or ONE person for each of us. Logically and scientifically you all know that’s myth making and social conditioning meant to keep women in that Disney Princess state of mind. There is a very real chance that the man you met months or years ago stops being consistent, stops growing with you, or simply annoys the fuck out of you after awhile. People change throughout a relationship, but it’s often for the worst. The guy who felt so magical now feels pedestrian and the thought of “is this what love is,” creeps into your brain. Most women ignore these feelings and keep trying to repair that relationship because that’s what little girls are trained to do “stand by your man.” The want for something more is a slow boiling feeling, and that’s where these four men come into play. Let’s be clear, no one can infiltrate a truly solid relationship, but most of your relationships aren’t solid. We as men can sense when a woman has a crack in her relationship, sometimes even before she realizes it. It’s in your eyes, it’s in the tone of your voice, it’s in your laugh, it’s even in your body language. “I have a boyfriend,” means nothing when your eyes lock and give away the truth of your situation.Click To Tweet

[image error]The New Guy That Has You Crushing Hard: Most of you will find yourself dealing with someone totally new and foreign to you. It could be the new hire at work who always asks about you or goes out of his way to speak. It may be some guy that pops up on social media following you and giving you extra attention. It could even be a stranger you bump into whom you have a legit reason to stay in contact with. Some examples I’ve seen have been mechanics who can help out with car issues, business owners who promise to hook you up, people in an industry who you want to network with, etc… All of these men start off innocent and platonic. In your mind you have someone, you’re not the kind of person who cheats, but these new guys know that once you crack the door to your heart, they can push all the way in. Work “husbands” turn into happy hour drinking partners. It’s only social media, until you two start DMing each other every day. The guy that helped you out with your flat tire, soon becomes that guy you text for advice. Dude who was trying to help you get your side hustle off the ground, starts looking like a snack, and you find yourself thinking about him more than your man.

[image error]The Ex That Promises to Do Better: Humbling the fuck out of an ex is an emotional orgasm. To have someone come crawling back admitting that they were in the wrong and begging for a second chance isn’t just an ego stroke, it’s a “what if”. To have loved and lost someone who is now back doing exactly what you wanted from the start will confuse your senses. These exes know you still have feelings, so they purposely play off the past while showing proof of change in the present. Your ex-boyfriend may come back with a “just friends” angle where he checks on you, makes sure you’re good, and that’s it. Your ex could also go the aggressive route and start buying you gifts, offering to do favors for you or family members, and pouring out his heart in ways he never would when you were a couple. Regardless if his approach is sneaky or direct, all it takes is you showing him signs that your current relationship is rocky, and he’ll keep reminding you that he was always your soul mate, he just needed a chance to mature.

[image error]The Platonic Friend That Wants More: 90% of you reading this has a guy in the friendzone who is dying to make his move. This could be your childhood bestie, someone from college who you friended on Facebook, a cousin or brother of one of your girlfriends, or even someone you once liked but decided you were better as friends. Of all the men you may be tempted by, this is the sneak attack few of you see coming. This friend who you’ve confided in knows the right things to say. He’s not a sexual threat so he can get you to lower your guard quicker than a new guy in terms of intimacy. This friend who genuinely loves you can make a case that he will never hurt you, and when your main guy isn’t acting right sometimes that’s all you need to hear to risk it all. In vulnerable times, it doesn’t matter if he isn’t your type, if he feels more like a brother, or that it’ll ruin or change the friendship dynamic going forward. The best relationships need strong foundations of friendship, and your platonic bestie has already passed that test, so of course he seems like the perfect solution.

[image error]The Unhappy Taken Guy: You meet a guy who’s nice, charming, and in a miserable relationship. Like most women you want to be helpful, so you proceed talk to him, advise him, and be positive about his choice to either stay or leave his current girlfriend. The guy begins to lean on you more and more, and that kind of vulnerability from a man is sexy. In response you begin to open up about your own relationship not being as good as it once was… and in that moment of “I wish she was you” the lines blur and you end up in a full-blown affair. I’ve seen this play out with everyone from NBA Players and Actresses to Nurses and Doctors. Nothing bonds two unhappy people than being able to vent about their significant other to someone who truly understands them.

How To Handle These Feelings

No matter what type of man suddenly has you in your feelings, it only takes three steps to sort it out, so you can make an honest and definite decision. The first step is to take your head out of your ass and use logic. Step out of the fantasy of being chased by something new and remember that you’re still being pursued by someone with an agenda. He says he has money but does he really? He says he can treat you better but is he just more of the same? He claims to be looking for something real, but is that all game? You can’t afford to get open off of TALK TALK TALK, you need to investigate your feelings by making sense of his. Start by breaking it down in these two ways…

Maybe He Wants To Love You: There are men who won’t let a preexisting condition called “She Has A Man” stop him from snatching his Queen. Guys who have loved and lost and have sampled all the dating scene has to offer and he will know with great certainty when he’s in front of a Game Changer. Think back to everything I’ve written on this subject especially MDLWLY and The Unicorn Delusion. If a man is trying to snatch you up and make you his, he does specific things to show it, he doesn’t just tell. Is this love or is it lust? Until you figure out his angle, you don’t have sex, you don’t leave the person you’re with, and you don’t lose yourself in his promises. The idea that it’s love and all the sweet things he’s drilling into your ear should be downplayed as infatuation.

[image error]Maybe He Wants To Fuck You: Doesn’t matter what he says, how he treats you, or the vibe he’s giving off, every man is chasing after pussy until he proves he’s not. “How can I get him to prove it without having sex,” if you thought any variation of this, then you need to start in the archives of this site because your way behind the Spartan Game. Remember that men come into your life wearing masks. Doesn’t matter if it’s an ex or a friend you’ve known for years, he’s going to put on an act in order to get you where he wants you, it’s the way ALL MEN hunt. When you’re already in a relationship, that mask becomes even harder to spot because you’re not in the “game” anymore. A woman that’s single is on high alert because she’s used to guys being full of shit, but your bullshit meter is rusty. Predators ask you questions about your relationships, pinpoint the weak spots, and turn up the heat by doing things he knows your man doesn’t do. It’s an emotional blitz that will take you by surprise. In the end the emotional affair will turn physical and you find yourself cheating or leaving your current boyfriend.

The fallout isn’t guilt, it’s the revelation that he was running game. He only wanted to fuck you because you were new, or it was a rush to take another man’s woman. Once that novelty wears off, he ghosts you or fakes an argument to push you away. Now you’re left feeling dumb and trying to get back with your ex. Most times your ex will take you back just to hate fuck you or to stroke his ego, but the trust is gone, and he’ll never love you the way he once did. In short order you’re back single and full of regret because you didn’t do your homework.

Test Drive

The next step is to put him to the test in a real way. How? You Interview this motherfucker for the next four weeks. If you were being courted normally you would date him to see if he treats you with value. If you were trying to work Ho Tactics on him, you would test him to see if he has money to spend and doesn’t mind spending it. No matter what you are looking to get from a man, it all begins with pressing him until he shows you what you need to see.

[image error]“Why Me” Conversation: It’s not enough for a man to like you just because he does. Typical women fall in love with those that flatter and kiss their ass. What is your appeal? Are you that cute, that funny, that engaging or are you just his latest project. Is it the personality or are you low hanging fruit? Maybe it’s the fact that you already have a man that makes you a must have. C’mon ladies, you know that men love to conquer things that are seemingly hard to get. The first conversation you have once you decide he may be worth your time is what drew him to you. This conversation needs to force him to give you specifics. No shallow answers like “your energy” or “your smile”. Also talk about your relationship in a real way. What happens if you don’t ever leave your man? Is he afraid that some other guy will come in and do the same thing he’s trying to do? Really make him uncomfortable by pointing out that you aren’t some damsel in distress. He can’t see you as just a fantasy, he has to see you as a woman with complex feelings who isn’t perfect.

Spend A Day: Women are the best kind of sneaky, so don’t act like you can’t get away from your current man for a day. Once you vet his interest in you, the time will come to normalize your feelings by hanging out. Under regular conditions you would go on dates, but you don’t have time for that. Instead, you need to play an entire day from afternoon to evening, where you spend time together. The purpose behind this is that fantasy thinking makes ordinary men seem special. Sneaking to text, getting pictures, him popping up, or making up excuse to hop on the phone, these things take you to a teenager mindset. Is it really them or is it the rush of being bad? The only way to keep your feelings honest is to spend time with this man for a long period of time. I have countless stories of how women no matter if it was long distance or creeping, realized after a bad date or a long weekend that the guy wasn’t what she really wanted. Watch how he pressures you for sex, listen to how he talks when you’ve run out of “I miss you” chit chat, observe how he spends money, pay attention to how he handles the other girl’s he’s dating or talking to in terms of ignoring calls or texts. The circus only lasts for two hours because kids get bored. Affairs usually don’t end in a real relationship because people get bored. Test yourself by spending real time at least once a week for four weeks.

[image error]Space: Are you making this too easy for him? Doesn’t matter if he’s the one chasing you, calling you, and trying to arrange dates to see you, are you giving in every time he reaches out or are you making him work? I’ll be honest, the women with boyfriends who I’ve messed with (messed with = fucked) were easier to get than single women. Single women required dates, they were aloof at times, they masked their feelings and played hard to get. Girls with boyfriends don’t play these games! I remember this one girl would always pick up on the first ring, she would be down to see me whenever I wanted, and she didn’t act shy or reserved when I went for sex. Never lose sight of how much adrenaline plays in romance. You have to pump your own breaks and remind yourself that this isn’t a case of you just wanting to get your pussy destroyed by something new, it’s real feelings about if this guy is a better fit universally. To throw the pussy at him without making him earn it in a real way can sour him on how much he actually wanted you from the jump.

Go a few days without speaking to him at a time. Don’t return every text or call. Stand him up. This is all a test. If he really wants to be with you his actions will adjust to prove it. If you’re just a notch on his belt he’ll show his true colors. Does he talk shit when he can’t get his way? Does he throw other women in your face to prove that he has options? Does he threaten you with telling your boyfriend? Does he start acting like a stalker? Trust me, you need to push this man to his limits to see if you can shake off his mask. Again, it doesn’t matter if it’s a new guy, a friend who you thought you knew, an ex, or a guy with his own girl, they all are the same until you push their buttons.

Honesty Hour: At the end of these four weeks, if he’s passed each test with flying colors, then you must have a come to Jesus moment with yourself. Do you still like this guy? Is he consuming your thoughts more than your current man? Do you want him physical and emotionally? No more of this “I don’t know,” indecisive bullshit that basic women do because they’re afraid to be real with themselves. I’m not asking you if it will work out, about karma, or about morals. Even after a month of vetting your feelings towards him and his consistent actions, have your feelings deepened or lessened for this disruptor? If the answer is “yes,” then the choice is clear, you need to break up with your current partner. “But I don’t want to hurt—” shut the fuck up and stop being a coward. We all are guilty of crushing on other people, we all have fantasies, but if you’ve taken it to the point where you legitimately enjoy someone else’s company over the person you’re with, then it’s time to end it.

It’s Not Him… It’s Him

Spoiler Alert: This had nothing to do with leaving the person you’re with for someone better, this was about you taking inventory of your relationship and coming away with proof that it was dying a slow death. This isn’t about the new guy being better, it’s about the old guy no longer working! I don’t want you to swap out the old for the new, I just want you to be honest. The hardest thing to do is to breakup because when there’s not a big argument or event, people keep holding on under the pretense of “it’s not that bad,” when it truly is that bad. You’re unhappy, you’re wasting both of your time, and you need to put an end to it, so you can move on the right way.

Maybe It’s You

[image error]I knew a married woman who was seeing a single man. When the man told her, he was going out to see a “friend” the married woman waited for five hours in front of his apartment complex, watched him come in with his “friend” and then slit the tires to his car. I asked her way was she so jealous when she had a WHOLE HUSBAND at home. Her response, “What’s mine is mine.” Not only do you need to look at the agenda of these men that come into your life, you have to take a hard look at what you’re trying to get out of this side dish relationship. Most times it’s not his dick, it’s his attention. Your own relationship is not good enough, so you’re getting high off the way a new man chases you. You’re telling him you love him. You’re threatening his other women. You’re forgetting that you’re the one in a committed relationship, not him. If you exhibit any of these signs, then you need to meditate or seek therapy on the deeper reasons behind your lust. Dick doesn’t make women crazy, the crazy is already there. Other people can’t take you from the one you’re with, you were already ready to leave, you just needed an excuse. Point the finger at all the ways they aren’t holding up to their side of the relationship to justify your emotions and actions, but in the end, you have to decide to do something about it, not just switch out one man for another man and hope you picked right this time around.

Healing

How do you move on romantically? Date this new guy? Assemble a new roster? Keep your ex around until you’re 100% sure you can’t work this out? You need alone time, princess. Understand that this was never about some new guy being your true soul tie, soul mate, or whatever fake deep word you read on the internet. This was someone who simply showed you that you have the potential to be happier. That other guy exposed the holes in your dream house, but you knew you had leaks all along. The last thing you need is to break up and jump into the arms of yet another man while you’re still unsure of what you need to be happy. Any man can treat you good for the honey moon period, any man can fuck you like he’s fresh out of jail when high on new lust, and any man can promise to never change when you’re living in a bubble. We don’t date in a bubble, we don’t love in the honeymoon period, relationships aren’t just hard work, they’re proving grounds that are supposed to bring you closer even during the bad times. Take time to find yourself. Don’t date at all until you’re ready. Take out your Spartan journal and write down how you got swept up in a weak relationship and then write down all the reasons you will never let it happen again. Life is a lesson. You’re either learning or losing.

For the Men Stuck with A Placeholder

[image error]What about the men? Guys routinely seek out new pussy then return to their same woman because they weren’t looking to upgrade. Some get their Diddy on and quickly switch out old bae for a new bae that looks just like old bae. Men have a hard time dealing with breakups and the falling out of love process because we’re internally stunted. I challenge every man to take self inventory of their current relationship and here’s a story that proves my point to the max: My good friend had been flirting with a few different women over the past three months and his thirst in general had began to rise as if he didn’t have a longtime girlfriend. My sister-in-law visited to celebrate her birthday here in LA, and during a drinking game we were all instructed to “drink if you’re single” he quickly took a shot and said, “Well I’m not married so I’m single, right?” This wasn’t a joke as he flirted with my wife’s sister all night long. A few weeks later it was a new woman at work that had him open. They went out to talk business, then it ended with drinks, and a weekend of sexting. Then yet another girl caught his eye, and he was sending me screenshots of their conversations. At NO point did he tell any of these women he had a girlfriend. I asked him straight up, if this were your girl doing these things how would you feel? He shut down.

[image error]In that moment I thought about my readers, those women who are in love with men who really don’t want them but will never leave no matter how much advice I give. I couldn’t let it keep going on, so I told him directly that it’s not about new girls or his thirst for sex, it’s about his dissatisfaction with his woman. The same woman who he told me he wanted to marry by next year. Think about that. He was in the midst of planning an elaborate engagement, but secretly he wasn’t sure. It took those new women to shake up his world, and me to talk to him man to man and tell him to take a break. He did break up, but so many other guys are out here wasting the time of women who are fully committed. Fellas, you know when it’s about sex and you know when it’s about unhappiness. If you have a woman who has slowly declined into a Placeholder, you have to make the mature decision to cut her loose. My own friend just wasted years with a woman who was always going to be a Placeholder, and now she has to pick the pieces and go back to the dating game older and damaged. Women stick around and ignore the red flags more often than not, so I’m challenging any man that’s feeling unfulfilled to do right by the both of you and walk away because you can’t assume she will get the hint.

Finding Your Game Changer ASAP

What’s next? Moving on is hard, vetting people seems like a chore, and sometimes settling for a Placeholder seems safer than going for what you really want. Fuck that. I invite each one of you, men and women, to read She Ain’t It: Platinum Edition. It’s an updated version of the book complete with FIVE NEW CHAPTERS that takes you from the meeting stage all the way to relationship problems and how to fix them before you break up. While aimed at men, this book is a MUST READ for women, as it sheds light on personality traits you may no know that hold you back as well as insight into what quality men are looking for in a Game Changer Vs Placeholder.

*UNTIL THE END OF OCTOBER anyone who downloads and leaves a review will receive ONE FREE EMAIL QUESTION, send your purchase/review screenshot and question to [email protected] with the header SHE AIN’T IT.* It’s available right now on Amazon:

[image error]

Click Here To Download

Tweet

Thanks for reading Breaking Up For Someone Better

Toxic As Fuck – Is Your Energy Holding You Back

If they wanted you then why aren’t they with you? If they’re trying to build with you, then why is communication inconsistent? If they cared about you, then why is your gut screaming, “they don’t really give a fuck”? You’re a stereotype. A sucker for love. An educated fool that gets ghosted and plays dumb about what happened. A loyal soul that gets cheated on or undervalued. You give everything and get the bare minimum in return, then have a nerve to complain about it but never do anything about it. If you want more, why don’t you go get more? If that person doesn’t treat you like you feel you deserve, why don’t you find someone new? If you’re so smart and know that a person is lying or full of shit, then why do you continue to entertain their nonsense? Instead, you hope, you pray, and wish upon a star that the person you’re into treats you fair. Ha! I repeat, you’re a stereotype. You’re fake-strong, fake-confident, and full of excuses as to why you can’t get your life on track. I know the real you. You’re lazy, vulnerable, and stuffed with fear. The buzz word of the day is “Toxic”. People accuse others of being toxic whenever they feel like they’re the victim. What’s really toxic is your lack of self-esteem that has you trapped in this cycle of mediocrity.

Why do you think you’re unworthy of a healthy relationship? Why do you think that love has to be a struggle? Why do you keep living in this world of delusion where you keep being nice to people that constantly show you they don’t give a fuck about your feelings? You can’t stop this unhealthy way of living because you’ve been brainwashed to settle for less. Toxic thoughts tell you that you can’t get what you want. Toxic actions keep you dating the same old types, sticking with the same bad relationship, or giving people that already disrespected you another chance. Toxic emotions have you sitting up at night depressed over your lack of results. Face it, you live everyday with toxic feelings, attract toxic people, play out toxic situations with those people, then wonder why you’re unhappy.

Fellas:  That so-called “Hoe” who is out to use you or play you, is she that good at acting or are you so hard up that you miss the red flags? Manipulators become transparent to a man with self-confidence and who isn’t high off new pussy lust but you’re a sucker flying blind because you’re chasing validation.

Ladies: That “Mr. Perfect” you met  off some dating app wouldn’t even make it to a second date with a woman who was secure in her power, but he gets to fuck you in short order only to toss you to the side because you continue to date with unaddressed insecurities that cause you to overthink, second guess, and cloud your mind long enough for a player to wreck you.

I don’t deserve this… Why is this happening… Why can’t I just be happy? You’re so full of shit! You know why life, relationship, career, and the like aren’t working out. No matter if you’re a man or a woman, if your life is a mess, it’s because your mind is a barrel of negative counter-productive and basic thoughts. I’m not trying to drag you, I’m trying to lift you back to your feet because you deserve more out of life than being wasted potential.

Fellas, Sometimes You’re Just Dick:

There are women who just want to fuck you. No dates. No texting. None of that mushy shit you’re used to from chicks who are openly or secretly looking for a boyfriend. There are also women who just want attention. Text her when she’s bored. Take her out on the weekends. Give her the feeling of being wanted so she can go brag about it. Normally these are perfect situations, all the fun none of the stress. The difference is that when a woman is in control, making the rules, and free to deal with you and a handful of other men as she chooses, jealousy sets in. Narcissistic men are nothing more than dorks who are afraid to be hurt, so they try and build up this powerful persona. When these types of men run up against a female who gives them her ass to kiss, he cracks like a fucking egg. The little Basica that’s waiting by the phone for you to call or the thirsty relationship girl that’s offering to pay for an Uber to come see you, they don’t have any power. The woman that only calls you for a dick appointment or leaves you on “read” until she’s in the mood to pick you up and play with you—she’s God. You hate that she doesn’t need you, doesn’t really want you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

We as men aren’t used to being controlled by women, it goes against every macho bone in our body and every tough talk we’ve had in the barbershop. Internally it cuts deeper than most of you probably know. She’s rejecting the idea of you as a serious option. You’re unworthy of her exclusivity. Why? Her actions spell it out, “You’re good enough to fuck or talk to, but she’s still searching for something better.” Even the defense of “I still beat,” crumbles because if you deal with a woman like this long enough, sex-lust gives way to genuine love. The fact that she’s not acting typical makes her superior to other women, and thus a Must-Have. The world is filled with over-talkative, boring ass women who are easy to get, but you want that which doesn’t want you—A Unicorn.

Tell a man he can’t have something, and he wants it 10x more. What happens when you keep chasing this woman who sees you as just another dick? Frustration sets in followed by anger. You’re pissed off at the world because she’s denying you. You’re ready to cut her off because she’s making you feel inadequate. This is where you brain waves stray from your normal behavior. In order to prove your worth to her you start acting weird. Stalking, arguing, going after other men she may be dealing with, buying her gifts, giving her money, and the list of emotional shit goes on…  I’ve gotten several emails that read, “I had to cut him off because he started getting too clingy.” Confident women with options don’t kneel like desperate birds. The moment you blow up on her, start acting jealous, or try reverse psychology—she’s ghost. Go ahead and blast off a dozen “bitches ain’t shit” tweets or write a novel under her IG pictures, it won’t change the fact that this isn’t about her—it’s about you.

Let’s list some possible causes of internal negativity: You don’t have that much money. You don’t do anything spectacular for a living. You have the same dreams or side hustles as every other generic guy. You pretend to be living large and making moves, but you’re living off borrowed money or scams. Doesn’t matter what the exact reason is, the result is that chip on your shoulder keeps growing because you have some flaw that makes upper echelon women look down on you.

Men don’t go to therapy as much as women, it’s emasculating to say you’re falling apart, so you go in alone. You smoke, pop pills, drink yourself pissy, and try to ignore your problems. The irony is that Broken & Damaged Men can still get women—ones who are just as mentally weak and insecure. In comes a woman with low self-esteem to the rescue. The overweight chick, the girl that you don’t think of as traditionally pretty, the women with kids, or the women that have been broken by past relationships. Keep in mind, you don’t want any of these ladies, you want that Unicorn who denounced you as “average”. Instead of loving or appreciating these women that see the greatness in you, those toxic emotions lead to resentment. You don’t want her fat ass, her ugly ass, her passed around ass, her bi-polar ass—Listen to those negative thoughts. You’re projecting hate towards them because you hate yourself for not feeling good enough. As a result, you mistreat these women, you unfairly judge these women, and you use these women in the same way you got used because they’re Placeholders. Your toxic mind attracted that and will keep attracting it until you right the wrongs of your own negative thoughts.

Ladies, Sometimes You’re Just Pussy:

It’s easy for a woman to fake confidence on the internet, at work, or during that first week or so of dating. Your attitude pushes you forward and protects you from scrutiny. You talk slick, you dress nice, you can be funny, and you can be deep. But what happens when someone sees through your weak ass self-esteem and little girl toughness? Experienced men test ALL WOMEN. I’ve written books about this process, but in the end so many women still fall victim because they think with common sense, but don’t date with it. How will you react when he pushes for a house date? How will you react when he pushes you for sex and he barely knows you? How will you react when he makes a comment about your weight, your hair, how another girl looks compared to you? How will you react after he showers you with attention and pipe dream promises only to fallback? Don’t lie and say you will react in the right way 10 out of 10 times. All it takes is that ONE GUY who is everything you’re looking for to do one of those things, and you’ll respond in the same basic way as those women you make fun of do. I can give you all the game in the world, and you will still allow “your type” to slip through your defenses.

Who is the real you? Are you this amazing woman who just had a weak moment or are you a weak woman who only has spurts of being amazing that she can never live up to? You consistently come off like just another chick who a man thinks is only good for sex because that’s how you see yourself. Look inside your brain. Are you as pretty as you want to be? Are you as smart as you wish you were? Are you as interesting as those girls in the YouTube videos you watch? Are you as strong emotionally as you hope? No. One of these things or several of these things bother the fuck out of you because your entire personality, image, and way of life is based on a false projection. It’s only when a man disrespects you, another girl insults you, or your bank account balance humbles you that you’re forced to accept the fact that you’re not happy with who you are. Each day you look for someone to point a finger at, someone doing worst than you to gossip about, or numb yourself by scrolling social media or shopping for shit you think will make you feel better about yourself. None of it works.

“Everyone will find their soulmate in the end,” they lied to you sis, you aren’t going to find shit but settle dick and heartbreak out in these streets. Life isn’t a fairy tale, you don’t get a happy ending just because you think you deserve it. Your thoughts are the foundation of your universe. Keep bottling up all that negativity, self-loathing, resentment, or jealousy and watch how successful you’ll become. Your relationships keep failing and your business ideas never get off the ground because you keep doing things the same way that fits your comfort level. It’s time to live up to your full potential and redefine how the rest of your life will play out by taking real chances. Stop waiting for help, and start helping yourself.

Refocus Your Energy

“That’s the kind of energy I need in my life,” is said whenever someone sees a positive image or reads a positive affirmation. It’s another one of these New Age gimmicks that don’t really invoke real change. The internet hijacks the lingo of positive people to make toxic folks feel like they can also achieve a higher vibration of thought. You can’t, and you won’t because you’re being phony. It doesn’t matter what TV shows you stop watching, who you follow on social media, or how many books on spirituality you read. The problem isn’t out there with them, it’s in there with you. What are you running from? Daddy issues, mommy issues, being teased when you were younger, the death of someone close, sexual abuse, verbal abuse? Maybe it’s just the frustration of growing up in 21st century world where everyone seems to be balling while you’re still struggling to pay all your bills on time. Everyone has baggage. I don’t want to hear that you didn’t ask for this life you’re living; NONE OF US DID. You take what you’re given and turn it into a win, don’t keep crying about fairness because that line of thinking is what’s keeping you enslaved! Hollow quotes on the power of positive thinking aren’t going to change your life. You aren’t going to magically get rich overnight, find love by the end of the year, or come to grips with that person standing in the mirror by praying, holding a crystal, or squeezing your eyes and chanting. You must dig into your pain, confront your past, pause your ego long enough to admit that you don’t know as much as you wish you did, and let go of this negativity that surrounds you. Who are you, really? Why do you  carry so much regret, envy, or hate? Over-stand that it’s all connected. Be accountable for your own toxic aura because that’s the magnetic field you’ve been walking around with for too long.

Where do you start? Take it day by day. Instead of complaining, shut the fuck up, and solve the problem. Instead of falling into group think with the rest of sheep who do nothing but criticize, go read a book or meditate. Instead of talking about how a person is treating you badly, remove them from your life. Instead of being a cog in the machine where you wake up, work, eat, shit, waste time on your phone, and repeat, how about you set some weekly goals that can actually bring you joy? Instead of looking at other people as the enemy, start looking at them like mirrors that reflect back that same energy you give off. All the ignorant shit you think about people at work, school, or even strangers on the street, that’s bringing your vibration down. All the energy you give to hating celebrities or politicians, that’s bringing you down. All the self-doubt you have when deciding if you should shoot your shot, go on a date, or text someone first, is counterproductive. You’re nothing but a ball of doubt, fear, and anger—unravel that! It takes 21 Days to form a new habit. I dare you to spend the next three weeks thinking differently, acting differently, and looking at the world differently. The old way has gotten you how far? You’re bitter, sad, and secretly depressed. Switch it up! Take control over your thoughts, redefine your past, re-imagine your present, and watch how much better your near future plays out.

 

 

Tweet

Black Girls Are Easy

Toxic As Fuck – Is Your Energy Holding You Back

If they wanted you then why aren’t they with you? If they’re trying to build with you, then why is communication inconsistent? If they cared about you, then why is your gut screaming, “they don’t really give a fuck”? You’re a stereotype. A sucker for love. An educated fool that gets ghosted and plays dumb about what happened. A loyal soul that gets cheated on or undervalued. You give everything and get the bare minimum in return, then have a nerve to complain about it but never do anything about it. If you want more, why don’t you go get more? If that person doesn’t treat you like you feel you deserve, why don’t you find someone new? If you’re so smart and know that a person is lying or full of shit, then why do you continue to entertain their nonsense? Instead, you hope, you pray, and wish upon a star that the person you’re into treats you fair. Ha! I repeat, you’re a stereotype. You’re fake-strong, fake-confident, and full of excuses as to why you can’t get your life on track. I know the real you. You’re lazy, vulnerable, and stuffed with fear. The buzz word of the day is “Toxic”. People accuse others of being toxic whenever they feel like they’re the victim. What’s really toxic is your lack of self-esteem that has you trapped in this cycle of mediocrity.

[image error]

Why do you think you’re unworthy of a healthy relationship? Why do you think that love has to be a struggle? Why do you keep living in this world of delusion where you keep being nice to people that constantly show you they don’t give a fuck about your feelings? You can’t stop this unhealthy way of living because you’ve been brainwashed to settle for less. Toxic thoughts tell you that you can’t get what you want. Toxic actions keep you dating the same old types, sticking with the same bad relationship, or giving people that already disrespected you another chance. Toxic emotions have you sitting up at night depressed over your lack of results. Face it, you live everyday with toxic feelings, attract toxic people, play out toxic situations with those people, then wonder why you’re unhappy.

[image error]

Fellas:  That so-called “Hoe” who is out to use you or play you, is she that good at acting or are you so hard up that you miss the red flags? Manipulators become transparent to a man with self-confidence and who isn’t high off new pussy lust but you’re a sucker flying blind because you’re chasing validation.

Ladies: That “Mr. Perfect” you met  off some dating app wouldn’t even make it to a second date with a woman who was secure in her power, but he gets to fuck you in short order only to toss you to the side because you continue to date with unaddressed insecurities that cause you to overthink, second guess, and cloud your mind long enough for a player to wreck you.

I don’t deserve this… Why is this happening… Why can’t I just be happy? You’re so full of shit! You know why life, relationship, career, and the like aren’t working out. No matter if you’re a man or a woman, if your life is a mess, it’s because your mind is a barrel of negative counter-productive and basic thoughts. I’m not trying to drag you, I’m trying to lift you back to your feet because you deserve more out of life than being wasted potential.

Fellas, Sometimes You’re Just Dick:

[image error]There are women who just want to fuck you. No dates. No texting. None of that mushy shit you’re used to from chicks who are openly or secretly looking for a boyfriend. There are also women who just want attention. Text her when she’s bored. Take her out on the weekends. Give her the feeling of being wanted so she can go brag about it. Normally these are perfect situations, all the fun none of the stress. The difference is that when a woman is in control, making the rules, and free to deal with you and a handful of other men as she chooses, jealousy sets in. Narcissistic men are nothing more than dorks who are afraid to be hurt, so they try and build up this powerful persona. When these types of men run up against a female who gives them her ass to kiss, he cracks like a fucking egg. The little Basica that’s waiting by the phone for you to call or the thirsty relationship girl that’s offering to pay for an Uber to come see you, they don’t have any power. The woman that only calls you for a dick appointment or leaves you on “read” until she’s in the mood to pick you up and play with you—she’s God. You hate that she doesn’t need you, doesn’t really want you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

We as men aren’t used to being controlled by women, it goes against every macho bone in our body and every tough talk we’ve had in the barbershop. Internally it cuts deeper than most of you probably know. She’s rejecting the idea of you as a serious option. You’re unworthy of her exclusivity. Why? Her actions spell it out, “You’re good enough to fuck or talk to, but she’s still searching for something better.” Even the defense of “I still beat,” crumbles because if you deal with a woman like this long enough, sex-lust gives way to genuine love. The fact that she’s not acting typical makes her superior to other women, and thus a Must-Have. The world is filled with over-talkative, boring ass women who are easy to get, but you want that which doesn’t want you—A Unicorn.

[image error]Tell a man he can’t have something, and he wants it 10x more. What happens when you keep chasing this woman who sees you as just another dick? Frustration sets in followed by anger. You’re pissed off at the world because she’s denying you. You’re ready to cut her off because she’s making you feel inadequate. This is where you brain waves stray from your normal behavior. In order to prove your worth to her you start acting weird. Stalking, arguing, going after other men she may be dealing with, buying her gifts, giving her money, and the list of emotional shit goes on…  I’ve gotten several emails that read, “I had to cut him off because he started getting too clingy.” Confident women with options don’t kneel like desperate birds. The moment you blow up on her, start acting jealous, or try reverse psychology—she’s ghost. Go ahead and blast off a dozen “bitches ain’t shit” tweets or write a novel under her IG pictures, it won’t change the fact that this isn’t about her—it’s about you.

Let’s list some possible causes of internal negativity: You don’t have that much money. You don’t do anything spectacular for a living. You have the same dreams or side hustles as every other generic guy. You pretend to be living large and making moves, but you’re living off borrowed money or scams. Doesn’t matter what the exact reason is, the result is that chip on your shoulder keeps growing because you have some flaw that makes upper echelon women look down on you.

Men don’t go to therapy as much as women, it’s emasculating to say you’re falling apart, so you go in alone. You smoke, pop pills, drink yourself pissy, and try to ignore your problems. The irony is that Broken & Damaged Men can still get women—ones who are just as mentally weak and insecure. In comes a woman with low self-esteem to the rescue. The overweight chick, the girl that you don’t think of as traditionally pretty, the women with kids, or the women that have been broken by past relationships. Keep in mind, you don’t want any of these ladies, you want that Unicorn who denounced you as “average”. Instead of loving or appreciating these women that see the greatness in you, those toxic emotions lead to resentment. You don’t want her fat ass, her ugly ass, her passed around ass, her bi-polar ass—Listen to those negative thoughts. You’re projecting hate towards them because you hate yourself for not feeling good enough. As a result, you mistreat these women, you unfairly judge these women, and you use these women in the same way you got used because they’re Placeholders. Your toxic mind attracted that and will keep attracting it until you right the wrongs of your own negative thoughts.

Ladies, Sometimes You’re Just Pussy:

[image error]It’s easy for a woman to fake confidence on the internet, at work, or during that first week or so of dating. Your attitude pushes you forward and protects you from scrutiny. You talk slick, you dress nice, you can be funny, and you can be deep. But what happens when someone sees through your weak ass self-esteem and little girl toughness? Experienced men test ALL WOMEN. I’ve written books about this process, but in the end so many women still fall victim because they think with common sense, but don’t date with it. How will you react when he pushes for a house date? How will you react when he pushes you for sex and he barely knows you? How will you react when he makes a comment about your weight, your hair, how another girl looks compared to you? How will you react after he showers you with attention and pipe dream promises only to fallback? Don’t lie and say you will react in the right way 10 out of 10 times. All it takes is that ONE GUY who is everything you’re looking for to do one of those things, and you’ll respond in the same basic way as those women you make fun of do. I can give you all the game in the world, and you will still allow “your type” to slip through your defenses.

[image error]Who is the real you? Are you this amazing woman who just had a weak moment or are you a weak woman who only has spurts of being amazing that she can never live up to? You consistently come off like just another chick who a man thinks is only good for sex because that’s how you see yourself. Look inside your brain. Are you as pretty as you want to be? Are you as smart as you wish you were? Are you as interesting as those girls in the YouTube videos you watch? Are you as strong emotionally as you hope? No. One of these things or several of these things bother the fuck out of you because your entire personality, image, and way of life is based on a false projection. It’s only when a man disrespects you, another girl insults you, or your bank account balance humbles you that you’re forced to accept the fact that you’re not happy with who you are. Each day you look for someone to point a finger at, someone doing worst than you to gossip about, or numb yourself by scrolling social media or shopping for shit you think will make you feel better about yourself. None of it works.

“Everyone will find their soulmate in the end,” they lied to you sis, you aren’t going to find shit but settle dick and heartbreak out in these streets. Life isn’t a fairy tale, you don’t get a happy ending just because you think you deserve it. Your thoughts are the foundation of your universe. Keep bottling up all that negativity, self-loathing, resentment, or jealousy and watch how successful you’ll become. Your relationships keep failing and your business ideas never get off the ground because you keep doing things the same way that fits your comfort level. It’s time to live up to your full potential and redefine how the rest of your life will play out by taking real chances. Stop waiting for help, and start helping yourself.

Refocus Your Energy

“That’s the kind of energy I need in my life,” is said whenever someone sees a positive image or reads a positive affirmation. It’s another one of these New Age gimmicks that don’t really invoke real change. The internet hijacks the lingo of positive people to make toxic folks feel like they can also achieve a higher vibration of thought. You can’t, and you won’t because you’re being phony. It doesn’t matter what TV shows you stop watching, who you follow on social media, or how many books on spirituality you read. The problem isn’t out there with them, it’s in there with you. What are you running from? Daddy issues, mommy issues, being teased when you were younger, the death of someone close, sexual abuse, verbal abuse? Maybe it’s just the frustration of growing up in 21st century world where everyone seems to be balling while you’re still struggling to pay all your bills on time. Everyone has baggage. I don’t want to hear that you didn’t ask for this life you’re living; NONE OF US DID. You take what you’re given and turn it into a win, don’t keep crying about fairness because that line of thinking is what’s keeping you enslaved! Hollow quotes on the power of positive thinking aren’t going to change your life. You aren’t going to magically get rich overnight, find love by the end of the year, or come to grips with that person standing in the mirror by praying, holding a crystal, or squeezing your eyes and chanting. You must dig into your pain, confront your past, pause your ego long enough to admit that you don’t know as much as you wish you did, and let go of this negativity that surrounds you. Who are you, really? Why do you  carry so much regret, envy, or hate? Over-stand that it’s all connected. Be accountable for your own toxic aura because that’s the magnetic field you’ve been walking around with for too long.

[image error]

Where do you start? Take it day by day. Instead of complaining, shut the fuck up, and solve the problem. Instead of falling into group think with the rest of sheep who do nothing but criticize, go read a book or meditate. Instead of talking about how a person is treating you badly, remove them from your life. Instead of being a cog in the machine where you wake up, work, eat, shit, waste time on your phone, and repeat, how about you set some weekly goals that can actually bring you joy? Instead of looking at other people as the enemy, start looking at them like mirrors that reflect back that same energy you give off. All the ignorant shit you think about people at work, school, or even strangers on the street, that’s bringing your vibration down. All the energy you give to hating celebrities or politicians, that’s bringing you down. All the self-doubt you have when deciding if you should shoot your shot, go on a date, or text someone first, is counterproductive. You’re nothing but a ball of doubt, fear, and anger—unravel that! It takes 21 Days to form a new habit. I dare you to spend the next three weeks thinking differently, acting differently, and looking at the world differently. The old way has gotten you how far? You’re bitter, sad, and secretly depressed. Switch it up! Take control over your thoughts, redefine your past, re-imagine your present, and watch how much better your near future plays out.

 

 

Tweet

Thanks for reading Toxic As F**K – Is Your Energy Holding You Back

Black Girls Are Easy

Lust rules everything around us. I’ve seen a girl who went from virgin one year to ten partners the next. I know a guy that emptied out his live-in girlfriend’s bank account to spend it on a new girl he desperately wanted to smash. Just last week, I received an email from a woman who swore she was too smart to get gamed, yet ended up on the heartbreaking end of a one night stand that shattered her self-esteem. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, all it takes is the right person saying the right thing at the right time, and all your sex rules and moral theories go out of the window. We all have “bodies” on our list that we’d like to forget. The irony when it comes to sex is that women tend to regret their past partners more than men. “I wish I never fucked him” is more common than “I wish I never fucked her” Why? For men, it doesn’t matter if it lasted one minute or one hour, if she came or if she rolled over disappointed. Men cum 99.9% of the time—doesn’t matter how she looks, how her body is shaped, what color she is, or how much he likes her, sex is always a victory because the result is a nut. There’s little concern over what happens after it’s over. The only time a guy has regret is if he ends up getting burnt, gets caught creeping on his girl, or if she pops up pregnant.

[image error]On the other side of the fence there are women who just want sex too, but there are even more who need a connection, need to see potential, and who obsess over “what happens next” because they don’t want to end up giving away something so special to someone who doesn’t appreciate it…or isn’t skilled enough to blow her back out as a consolation prize. A woman’s sex life is a slot machine: Small dick. Big dick but can’t work it. Cum too quick. Can’t stay hard. Too rough. Not rough enough… and the list goes on. Men talk a big game, but to hear women tell it, most can’t handle business when they finally get it. To be fair, some guys don’t care about performance, again, the nut is the win not the praise after it’s over. Still, it’s a fucked up situation. If the guy ends up becoming her boyfriend despite being trash in bed, she has to deal with being sexually frustrated in the name of love. If the guy is just a one-time thing, then she has to deal with “do I even add this nigga to my body count after that weak ass performance?” No matter if she’s looking for love or just a dick fix, sex is all risk, and often little reward for women on the dating scene. Unlike in the past, women not only have a voice when it comes to sex, they aren’t afraid to call men out. Which leads to…

I STILL BEAT, LOL

Over the past few weeks I’ve been seeing a battle of the sexes over the concept of “I Still Beat”. I’ll save you the trip to Urban Dictionary. “Beat” is slang for “have sex”. It’s a term I’ve heard since I was 16. It’s the male version of a mic drop when he’s being attacked or slandered by a woman.

GIRL: That’s Why Your Dick Little… Those Two Minutes Wasn’t Even Worth My Time… I Had to Think About My Ex to Cum!

GUY: I still Beat…

GIRL: You Still Owe Me Money You Broke Bastard… Tell Everyone How You Let Me Finger Your Ass… Don’t make me release the texts of you begging to eat my ass!

GUY: I Still Beat…

[image error]

No matter if it’s an attempt to expose his weak performance or a girl looking to embarrass him with secret details of his life, all that guy has to say is– I STILL BEAT THO! It’s all about protecting the fragile male ego from being damaged and it works because we as men will nod along like, “He got you there.” The male mind puts pussy on a pedestal. Dude can be ugly, broke, suck at sports, have a hairline that starts at the top of your head… but if he’s able to get pussy, then he will always get props from other man. No matter where you grow up in America or what race you are, young boys are patted on the back for conquering women. Think about the way we talk about sex: beat, smash, crush, hit—it’s all about the male doing something to the female as if her vagina is just an object to be destroyed. Doesn’t matter if he lasted two minutes, his dick was small, he ate her ass, or any other thing a woman would use to emasculate him, the very nature that he got to stick his dick in her cancels out anything she’s yelling. Welcome to the double standard of our Universe…

“I don’t even know why I hit that. I just know I won’t wife that” -6ix9ine

[image error]Most of you will have sex before you enter a relationship. Many of you will have sex within the first two weeks because he’s cute, has potential, or he just caught you at the right time. That’s your prerogative as a grown ass woman— fuck who you want. However, the reality of dating dictates that 4 out of 5 guys you date are going to be running game, not interested in anything with you, or realize after a few conversations you aren’t what he’s looking for… cold world. Doesn’t matter if you deflect with that, “I used him too, he was just dick to me” attitude, he’s going to feel more empowered than you will, he’s going to get more props, and you’re going to be the one considered used up, despite you two both engaging in the same act. Think about how that effects your going forward. You end up dating someone the last guy knows, you tell him the truth that the guy was a lame, but the new guy is thinking, “So you let that lame beat…” You try to warn other girls not to date him, all he has to say is “She’s bitter cus I hit and quit,” and now you have a reputation.

Sex is not an equal playing field for women, it’s filled with unfair judgement and double standards. If a man has sex with a woman he’s a winner and that woman is ran through. A woman can’t say anything negative about a guy she slept with, but he can drag her for days because in our society, a woman loses value once she has sex while a man grows in prestige. It’s a calculated reaction to shame and downgrade women and a lot of these “nice guys” are closet misogynist who can’t wait to run and tell your business. You can’t afford to be nice to these clowns any longer. You deserve a man that understands that you aren’t for everybody, that you have respect for yourself, and that he didn’t “hit” he was given a gift. It’s time to up your standards, control your lust, and rethink who you allow between your legs. So, how can you win in a world that sees you as the one that gets fuck not the one who fucks? How can you avoid the embarrassment of adding to your body count with someone that wasn’t worth it? How can you date as a sexual woman and not feel like you have to use gimmicks like the 90-day rule? Simple, you Spartan the Fuck Up and use Pussy Power in your favor.

“First night, she gon’ let me fuck cus we grown / I hit her, gave her back to the city, she home/ That was that.” – Drake

[image error]Women routinely fuck men who don’t deserve their pussy, then those same men walk out of that woman’s life with his head held high, ready to sucker the next chick. Not all men are predators, but when it’s been proven that a large percent of guys put on fronts for sex, what makes you continue to date with the same strategy that got you hurt in the past? You’re falling for every trick in the basic bitch playbook because you’re walking around with insecurities that are easy to pick apart. Texting turns to sexting. Sending cute pics turns to sending nudes. Kissing turns into breast sucking, turns into you lifting your hips up while he slides your panties off. Should I yell at the men right now and say, “Hey stop getting so much easy pussy and only date girls you actually see a future with?” No, I turn to you and say stop the insanity! Women choose who they have sex with, men are limited to who chooses them. Think about the cutest guy you know—he’s been curved. Fact. Think about a girl who you don’t think is cute at all—she can go out this weekend and get head from a dude that puts Michael B Jordan to shame. Fact. What’s the take away from this? Men are whores. They think with their dicks and their beauty standards in REAL LIFE rarely add up to the girls they like on Instagram. Men have a nerve to call women out for fucking on the first date, but they’re the ones pushing for first date sex in the first place! These are the hypocrites that you get nervous around? These aren’t Kings, these are confused little boys who shame you for having sex after they beg, spend, lie, and manipulate to get it.

DOES HE DESERVE PUSSY?

These “I still beat” clowns shouldn’t have made it to a second date let alone between your legs. If he turned out to be an immature asshole after sex, then he was one before sex. So why couldn’t you see it? Because you were blinded by his hustle.  Men have mastered the art of opening up just enough that you “think” you know them. They give you their sad family story, the bad breakup story, the ambitious business story, all manufactured to make you feel closer to him. He’s being vulnerable, so you start to open up. Earth to Basica! You don’t know this nigga. You haven’t even poked holes to see if his stories add up. You are going along for the ride and at this point you can’t blame it on anything but your own naiveté. It’s not about when you have sex, it’s about why you have sex. Cus I’m horny…Cus I didn’t want to push him away… Cus It just happened. How old are you!? The common denominator in your failed love life is you choosing the wrong men to give yourself to. If you want to stop the cycle of choosing wrong, make them jump through hopes by truly showing you who they are over time. Guys who are just after sex are littered with red flags you only see after the fact. It’s time to shine a light on their dusty asses long before you reach that level.

[image error]Mr. Potential: You finally meet a guy who has his shit together—educated, career, no kids, no drama, and he’s trying to date you, not chill with you. You thank the lord and you go into the date hoping he likes you. SMH! You’ve already lost, baby girl… Your first mistake was feeling lucky and blessed to meet someone decent. You’re a quality woman, every man you meet should fit that description. You’ve allowed your past history with men to make this new guy a Unicorn. He’s special only because your last few dates were mediocre. You’re now dating to impress, not dating to be impressed. Your weak ass fan-girl mentality becomes transparent on the actual date. This man knows he’s handsome, he knows he’s doing better than the average man that you meet, and now he knows you’re an easy target because you’re gushing over him. You want a man like him. You’ve been praying for a man like him. You’re getting older—you have to make this work. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know him or have yet to vet him, your anxiety has you high off potential and willing to fit into what he likes in order to get that happy ending.

How He Beats: It’s so easy to run game on a woman that’s afraid of losing out on you. I call it the Bait & Hit. Gas her up with the idea of you by treating her nice for a week or two. Every night before she goes to bed she’s fantasizing about being your woman, living that life with you, being a power couple or trophy wife. Every day when she’s at work and gets a text, that fantasy comes roaring back even stronger because it’s not fiction, you’re showing her that you want her just as bad. Now it’s time to move in for the kill. The next time you go on a date or hang out alone, all you have to do is go for sex. Fan-Girl’s not ready for that, but she doesn’t want to reject him. To reject a man with more potential than the last three guys she dated combined, feels like a mistake. She doesn’t want to keep looking for someone with all of your qualities. She’s sick of the rat race to find a man that has his shit together. You keep trying to fuck and she keeps buckling until she finally gives it up. In the front of the mind she desperately hopes this won’t change anything. Ha!

The woman goes through the next day nervous—is that all he wanted? Was that a test to see if you were a hoe? You live with that feeling because if you bring it up to him you’ll seem crazy and insecure. Mr. Potential got what he came for and he realizes that he got it easy. He may come back for a few more sessions, but it’s not the same. No more dates. No more deep talks. No more talking about what he’s going to do for you. The writing is on the wall. You call him out on it. He gives an excuse to keep that door to your pussy open, but you know he’s lying. Finally, he pops up with a new girl or ignores you all together and you lash out at him about how fucked up he treated you. He shrugs it off. You can’t hurt a person emotionally that was only attracted to you physically. In the end, no matter what you say—he still beat.

[image error]

Mr. Communication: In a world where guys are aloof and fake busy, you finally meet one that gives you the level of attention you’ve always craved. He’s good at texting, not just to check in but to engage you. He Facetimes to talk about his day. He calls you just because. He wants to see you multiple times a week. Damn, this attention feels good! Time doesn’t bond people, contact does. To be blitzed with a person’s personality every day for two weeks creates a false sense of knowing them. You develop trust because your mind is whispering, “He wouldn’t have time to talk to anyone else, he’s always talking to me.” Trust leads to the dropping of your guard. These conversations go from the typical getting to know you chit chat, to deep talks about your life. He’s your therapist when it comes to your past. He’s your best friend when it comes to talking about the ups and downs of your day. It’s only been a matter of weeks, but you love him, lower case “l” rapidly approaching upper case “L”.

How He Beats: Security is a panty dropper. Imagine if you’re a woman that’s had to deal with male disappointment from the time you were a kid—dad, step-dads, teachers, first boyfriend, they all hurt you in some way. To meet a man who is there for you, to talk, to help, to listen, it leaves an impression no matter how long you’ve known him. Mr. Communication didn’t win you over with a fantasy of being a perfect man in terms of materialism, he won you over by being the perfect man in terms of emotional maturity and understanding. A man like that feels safe. When you two are alone and he goes for it, what excuse is there to say “no”? You know him. You trust him. You’re horny. After sex, the communication gradually begins to change. His excuses are legit at first, new job, new schedule, going out of town, it’s always some new wrinkle that throws off the old routine and you accept that. However, it never goes back to that previous routine. The texts are few and far between. The Facetimes end. The calls are non-existent. Your pride is telling you that you’re making it all up, and that it’ll go back to normal. It never does, and your emotions don’t know how to handle the lost of not only a friend but the fact that you were gamed. You muster up the nerve to send some long text message about how much of a bitch he is, you want him to know your pain. He shrugs at that text paragraph—he still beat.

[image error]

Mr. Rebound AKA Mr. Brightside: A rebound isn’t reserved for a recent breakup. Many of you haven’t had dating success in years. You’re not rebounding from ONE GUY, you’re rebounding from striking out month in and month out. The Rebound guy is different from Mr. Potential because most of these guys aren’t really that amazing, they’re just there to give you what you need—affirmation that you’re wanted. That’s why I also call them Mr. Brightside. Sure, he’s broke, but he’s nice. Sure, he’s not physically appealing, but he’s stable. He’s not what you’re looking for, but he’s persistent, so he gets a shot at a woman like you that’s usually out of his league. It could be that associate from back in the day that suddenly sends you a message on social media. That guy who’s always liked you who finally gets you to agree to a date. Basically, any man that wears you down as opposed to Wows you. Where does this open mind come from? Fear. You don’t know what you’re doing out here. You don’t know how to pick men. You don’t know how to get to the ones you want, or you’ve been hurt by them. Like that chick who starts wearing Yoga pants 7 days a week, you’ve given up and are in “fuck it” mode.

[image error]How He Beats: Abstaining from sex isn’t hard when you don’t have any options. Turning down men that are lazy in their efforts or who push too hard is easy. Let’s see how you do when left alone with a man who likes you more than you like him. Nice guys empower those women who have been neglected or who are in a drought. He’s on your clit, so you feel strong and comfortable around him because unlike guys that intimidate you, there’s no need to be shy.  Mr. Brightside knows that it’s been forever since you’ve even had sex, so he’s going to push your buttons. Back message, foot message, and the classic, “let me taste it.” and at that moment of “oral sex isn’t really sex,” he’s going to slide all the way home.

After sex you’re going to run into one of the most common things I’m emailed about—I fucked a guy who I didn’t even like that much, and he had the nerve to ghost me. All that empowered Wonder Woman swag was used against you. Here you are thinking this guy is too corny, too ugly, too fat, or too broke to do better than you so he would worship you even after sex. There he was confident that women like you, lonely and bored, are easy marks. This peasant played you, so you fire back at him about all the ways he’s lame and all the ways you’re amazing. In the end, those insults roll off his back because…you guessed it—he still beat.

[image error]

Mr. Thirsty: Your personality is so bomb that men chase you. Your sex game is so elite that they want to wife you. Welcome to the world of thirst. Your ego is telling you it’s all about how amazing you are, but reality has proven that there are men predisposed to be hard up due to insecurities you didn’t bother to uncover. This kind of guy can come in any form. Handsome guy, rich guy, work husband, internet crush, it doesn’t matter what mask he’s wearing. it’s only after sex do you realize that he likes you more than you like him to the point of annoyance. You know the type, he starts asking about a relationship. Uses the “L” word way too fast. Wants you to meet his family. It’s as if he’s the girl and you’re the boy.

How He Beats: Some women can spot a thirsty from a mile away and think, “Damn, imagine how pressed he’s going to be if I fuck him. I’ll pass.” Still, there are other women who enjoy the groupie treatment and ego stroke of a man acting crazy over her. You two have sex and on cue, his behavior worsens. Eventually you cut him off, but these types never go quietly. Just like the little emotional bitch he is, Mr. Thirsty will try to get revenge on you by being passive aggressive. Take to your Facebook to be messy, spreading rumors to other guys about how you get down, trying to flirt with your friends–or enemies, all while trying to get back with you. When you clap back or pull receipts telling the truth about how hard up he is for you, it ricochets. None of what you say after he tries to ruin your reputation or sabotage your love life matters to other people. You let a clown beat, so what does that make you?

THE VALUE OF YOUR VAGINA

“I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth.” -SZA

You went to high school together and you know his family—that deserves pussy? He pulled your chair out at the restaurant and paid for the meal—that deserves pussy? He took you on four dates in one week—that deserves pussy? You spent five hours having a conversation in his car—that deserves pussy? You used to talk back in the day and now he’s back and acting more mature—that deserves pussy? You met his mother and she liked you—that deserves pussy? He brought you a bag and some shoes the first week of knowing you—that deserves pussy? He hoped in your DMs then flew you out—that deserves pussy? All the other girls at work want him but he likes you—that deserves pussy? He’s a student athlete about to go to the league and he’s feeling—that deserves pussy? He’s your platonic best friend and wants more now that you’re single—that deserves pussy? You’ve talked to a lot of guys, and his energy just feels different—that deserves pussy?

You’re too damn old to be falling for basic ass game from these basic ass niggas who’s only skill set is telling hopeless romantics what they want to hear. He doesn’t like you, he wants to fuck you. He isn’t proving consistency by being nice to you for a few weeks, he’s chasing ass. Yet there you go, on another date that ends with you letting him go too far or exposed via another house date that proves you aren’t as hard to get as your Instagram captions claim you are. Pussy is priceless. It’s rewarded to the best, not given to the latest crush that gets you drunk off brown liquor. Stop sliding your panties off for these peasants for fear if you don’t give it up he’ll go find his happily ever after with the next woman. You’re competing with time, competing with other women, competing with this idea that you have to hook a man with sex for him to like you. You’re the trophy, not him! He should be trying to prove that he values you, that he respects you, that he is interested in getting to know what shaped you and how you think. What is he talking about? What is he trying to do with you? What is he revealing about himself? He’s not special, he’s just another guy in the race until he proves himself. Reclaim your power by resetting how you think about men in the first place.

[image error]These men don’t care if you don’t usually have sex this fast. These men don’t care if you’re pretty, smart, educated, a home owner, or have a phone full of guys who want you. You’re a new piece of pussy. Cry wolf talk about how men ain’t shit, but that’s not going to change the game. “Men need to appreciate us” no they don’t. You have to appreciate that what’s between your legs is invaluable! You have to look at your body like it’s billion-dollar vault that everyone is constantly trying to break into. No man is different, they’re sniffing around for the same payoff. It’s your job to keep your legs locked until they have proven themselves worthy. “I’ll use the 90 Day rule, the 3 date rule, or I’ll just wait until we’re in a relationship to have sex.” How about you drop all the bullshit gimmicks and get to know them through questions, counter-questions, seeing how they act around other people, and how they respond when you don’t fuck them the first few times they try? Men tell on themselves, they get in their feelings when they can’t have their way, and all it takes is you having the courage to make them work for sex. Be HARD, be challenging, be the kind of woman a man automatically knows is rare the moment you open your mouth. You can’t afford to wait until after sex to realize everything about this man’s personality makes your pussy dry. Learn that on these initial dates so you can make better choices!

Why is it all on the woman’s shoulders? Because you’re the ones being preyed upon! Men will never change, they will never grow up, they will never stop trying to rob you blind. It’s up to womankind to keep the locks on the door and set the standards so high that only those men who are willing to push past their own lust and initial desires get to stay in the race. You can’t afford to be too tired to date like a Spartan. You can’t get sad when the perfect guy doesn’t pass your tests. You can’t fall for his reverse psychology of “I’m not like that”. We’re all like that! Have as much sex as you want, Take him for a test drive before you commit to make sure he’s not wack, but the first step is to be selective in terms of his character. Build a friendship, not a lust-ship, and I guarantee you that 90% of the issues that ruined your last relationship will never develop under these strict rules. You may not marry the next man you sleep with but be able to look back regardless of the outcome and know that he earned it by meeting your demands.

TURN THE TABLES ON HIM

[image error]

 

Tweet

Thanks for reading I Still Beat – Exposing A Lame Before He Becomes A Sex Regret

Black Girls Are Easy

If you never understood how an abuser could make a victim feel like the one in the wrong, then read the below email.

“I’m currently in a relationship approaching the two year mark. **** my boyfriend, is a great friend and provider, I never have a want as he looks out for me in ways my exes have never. So why am I writing you then? I was recently introduced to your book and your break down of Hot and Cold men really bothered me. **** fits your description. At least once a month, he gets in moods where he’s not himself. He pushes me away. He brings up my past (I cheated on my high school boyfriend and I was abused by my son’s father) in a way that makes me out to be a horrible person. In the past he’s nicknamed me cheater then later says it’s a joke knowing that it’s a sensitive topic. He once said he understood why I used to get smacked because I like to have the last word. He took it back and said he was joking and that I need to get over myself. In addition to this he seems to keep a list of everything he does (and pays) for me and doesn’t hesitate to bring it up. I’m not stupid, I know he’s doing these things because of his moods not because I am a bad person. My question is given what you wrote in the book, could there be an exception to your reasoning for this behavior? Could I be triggering him to go cold by not being an equal partner financially or with my behavior? My mother says my attitude is my biggest flaw and that I will push a good man to his breaking point if I don’t correct this. I can give you more details if you would like but could you tell me if you’ve seen cases of Hot and Cold being a reaction, not just a case of a guy playing games because that’s not the case here…”

[image error]

As you can see by that email I received, Mindfucking is alive and well. There are so many women in relationships who are being driven to insanity by toxic males who have figured out the greatest manipulation trick ever invented—Gaslighting. Push and Pull. Being hot and cold. Habitual lying. Twisting and re-framing reality. Turning people against you. Saying they want a woman that thinks and acts like you, only to try and change you. Doing you dirty, then making you think you’re the crazy one at fault…. These are only a few tactics used to break even the strongest women down to their most basic level until they become fearful, docile, and utterly dependent on their abuser. This defanging process happens so slowly that most women who I’ve talk to don’t even know they’re being gaslit until I point it out with specific examples from their own stories. How do you spot this in your own relationship when you’re blinded by love and chained by loyalty? How do you escape a situation when you’ve been told you can’t do better? How do you guard against Gaslighting at the early stages of dating before you’re too far gone? Keep reading, because you’re about to get a Spartan Crash Course in how to become immune to the games.

The Signs of Gaslighting

[image error]Too Good to Be True: The first 2-4 months of a relationship is where users bait and hook you. There’s a concept called “Love Language” a philosophy that dictates that everyone has a trigger that hits their internal wants and makes them feel loved. A lot of women need words of affirmation, quality time, or gifts to feel special. Players aka Dickticians sniff this out. Here you are coming from a relationship where a man never bought you shit or a family life where your parents never told you verbally how great you are. Now you’re presented with a man who is buying you small gifts starting with the second date. Who is complementing your intelligence and affirming this idea that despite your flaws you are special. What happens after a month of someone pushing all the right buttons in terms of this so-called Love Language? YOU FALL HEAD OVER HEELS QUICK! The fucked up thing is, you don’t know it’s a hustle. You’re not a stupid girl, but you are a naïve woman. 90% of the women I meet have holes they try to mask with ego. When a man pours what you assume is genuine love and affection into that hole, you drop your guard. You over-like him based on what he’s saying and doing, and from there you assume this is who he is—One of the Good Ones. Ignorant to the reality that you don’t know anyone until you put in real time vetting them.

After a Dicktictian hooks you with those first months of being too good to be true, the mask will slowly come off. Those sweet things slowly stop. He’s no longer dating you, he’s hanging out with you. In your mind, it’s all good because you don’t need to be courted, you’re past that. He’s no longer treating you to things just because, it’s either you having to ask or not at all. Again, you don’t care because in your mind he’s already proven he values you buy the shit he was doing in the beginning. The final transformation is in how he begins to talk to you. At first it was, “baby this baby that” now he has a short fuse with you, sucks his teeth, and always makes a side comment about how you act as if you’re the most annoying person in the world. At this point its months in, you’ve most likely had sex, you’ve told friends and family about how great he is, you’re posting about him on social media, and you won’t go back on all that praise just because he’s starting to act funny. Spoiler Alert: He’s not acting funny, he’s being his true self. The fact that you don’t make a big fuss about this or point out the change solidifies that his bait and hook worked. You are now primed for Gaslighting because you are blind to the red flags.

Bald Faced Lies: One of a woman’s favorite lines is, “I can’t stand liars” yet when you kick the tires of her relationships all the men she loved were big fucking liars. The next step in Gaslighting is to establish a world of Alternative Facts. Dickticians will lie straight to your face about stupid shit to test you. Are you the woman that will call out a lie and put her foot down, or will you let a lie go to avoid an argument? Don’t answer that, because the shit you say in your head is make believe. The real answer plays out like this…

Dick tells Jane that he’s going to bed early because he had a long day at work. Jane really wanted to see Dick that night, but she understands the need for sleep. Jane is up playing on IG and sees a video of Dick out having drinks with his friends. They’re turnt all the way up—what the fuck happened to needing sleep? Jane is pissed because Dick could have just said he was having a boy’s night and didn’t want to come over, he didn’t have to lie about it. Jane confronts Dick and Dick snaps at Jane like she’s the one in the wrong for blowing his day with nonsense. “So, I can’t go out? The fellas hit me when I was in bed, I didn’t want to go but it was Jeff’s birthday.” Jane knows Dick is full of it, but the way Dick came off—aggressive and annoyed, has bitch checked her. Jane doesn’t want to start a big beef with a man she’s head over hills with over something this silly. What does Jane do? You guessed it, she lets it slide.

[image error]When a woman lets an obvious lie slide, that tells the Manipulator that she’s weak and fearful. She’s so in love or in like at this stage that she would rather be lied to than to make that man angry aka This Basica Needs A Man More Than Honesty. Next it escalates. Dick goes places and turns his phone off then says he had no signal, yet Jane can see he’s liking IG pictures during that time. Dick will make an excuse about not having money to go on a date or to do an activity, but he will buy something he wants. Dick will go off and do what he feels then say, “Oh, I told you I was going out of town this weekend,” knowing damn well he didn’t, but will argue it until you’re like—damn did he tell me? Dick will even get caught going after other women, yet he will maintain that it was innocent, and Jane is the one that’s crazy. Through each of these lies, Jane gets mad, but she doesn’t leave. She threatens, but she doesn’t act. Proof for any man looking to control a woman, that you’re not a Spartan, you’re a Weakling.

Dick isn’t stupid, he knows how to hide his dirt, but he doesn’t want to. Ladies, this is where many of you fuck up. You think men are stupid, that they’re not hip to how to lie correctly—wrong. Dickticians know that you will find out, they want you to call them out, because by making you feel in the wrong they can get away with more. A woman who keeps taking a man back after a lie proves that she’s too far gone to ever leave him, which gives a user the confidence to do more dirt. In the end the Gaslighting works because you’re crying about honesty and he’s telling you you’re just paranoid. You suck it up and blame your trust issues for him having to lie, but he’s the asshole that’s created the trust issues by lying. See how that works? Genius, right?

Playing Dumb: Let’s say you figured out that this man you’re in love with is trying to play you for a fool and you bring receipts to call him out on the game he’s playing. The ultimate response to a woman that’s trying to break free of Gaslighting is to PLAY DUMB. The psychology of love dictates that the person with the strongest feelings doesn’t want to leave, they just want things to go back to how they once were. Meaning that mentally, even though you’re calling him out for his lies or actions, you don’t really want to lose him. By playing dumb a User gives you an out to stay with the devil you know.

[image error]Example, Dick gets caught taking another girl to the movies. Not only did Jane find two ticket stubs, she saw the girl post something online about “when bae makes date night special” …da fuck!? Dick is caught red handed so he goes on the defensive, “That’s Ben’s cousin he was supposed to go but couldn’t, so I did him a favor.” The lie doesn’t really work, so he keeps going, “If I knew it would hurt you I would have said no, I didn’t know she would post online like it was a date.” Then the last step is to shift blame. “You know how these bitches are, they’re messy and love to ruin relationships.” By playing ignorant to the act of dating then pretending he didn’t know how it would make his girl feel he paints himself out to be just a foolish man-child who deserves pity not scolding. Most women are smart enough to see this trick when it’s someone else going through it, however they buy it when their own relationship is on the line. Maybe he is dumb… Yes, girls are trifling… why not give him a second chance just in case… Dick wins by playing dumb because the Gaslighting has already taken hold. This is a good man, who just got fooled, and she would now be the stupid one to break up over something that can be corrected…or so she thinks.

[image error]Using Your Past Against You: Ladies, what do you do when a man sweeps you off your feet? …besides reward him by throwing epic neck? You overshare. It’s so easy to drop your guard when someone is speaking your Love Language and fulfilling your fantasy of what a real man should be. Being comfortable leads to confessions. You talk about your ex boyfriends, your childhood, your dreams and your regrets all on deeper levels than you did during the first few dates because he’s earned your life story. Cheating or being cheated on, abuse or drug use in your family, friends that betrayed you and friends who you still have but don’t really trust—it’s all laid out. Asking you about your wild college days, if you ever had a one night stand, if you ever kissed a girl, the times your family let you down, it sounds innocent, like he’s trying to get to know you better but he’s doing recon. A Dicktician listens for the embarrassing parts of your life story, the shit you’re still sad about, or the past events that still define you. I’ve met women who used to strip or who are bisexual tell me some fucked up tales about how guys were cool with it at first, then began to call them everything from dykes to prostitutes months later. These type of men file your stories away as ammunition, and you have no idea what’s coming until the insults start to fly.

Let’s go back the woman above who wrote me that email. She cheated in high school, a teenage mistake that most people make. In her mind she did a bad act that Karma would come around and make her pay for. A lot of you feel this way, you make mistakes and in some fucked up Judeo-Christian way of thinking swear you must pay for your past with present misery. In comes her boyfriend, who knew the way to keep her obedient was to remind her that she was a cheater, that she still had to make amends, and treat him like a God because a cheater like her doesn’t really deserve him. Think about this! It’s mental warfare and few women can see through it! Next up he pointed out her history of being physically abused by the father of her child. Psychologically she’s now thinking, “Did I deserve it? Did I cross the line and need to be hit? If I were a man I would hit me too.” Her boyfriend was breaking down her walls of self-confidence, making her see herself not as a woman worthy of respect, but as a loud mouth brat who deserved to be taken down a notch… and it worked.

[image error]Highlighting Your Insecurities: Now that your life story is exposed to scrutiny the next step in Gaslighting is ripping open your insecurities. The compounding attack of “look at your fucked up life and all the things you caused to happen” mixed with “Look at how much better other people are than you,” is a deathblow to a woman’s self-esteem. Let’s face it, everyone has something they’re not happy with about themselves, many people have multiple things. When you ignore your insecurities, they fester and when someone points them out, it triggers anxiety or depression. The only way to rise above either is to do the work internally to fix yourself before someone exploits you. Easier said than done, because at the root of these issues is the thought that maybe you are weak, stupid, ugly, fat, annoying, basic, or whatever it is that you’re running from.

Gaslighting isn’t fueled by lies, it’s fueled by half-truths that they twist into full truths to force you into a sunken place. Back to Dick and Jane. Jane’s last boyfriend broke her heart and ended up married to another woman within a year of their breakup. Jane obsessed over this for months, and even created a fake page to stalk the other woman. Jane’s attractive, but she’s honest enough to say that this new girl is more attractive. Jane kept this to herself until one night she confessed it to Dick. Dick affirmed that she doesn’t need to compete with other women, that’s she’s a ten in his eyes—all game. What Dick did once Jane’s insecurity was revealed was to start reminding Jane how other girls looked in comparison. Music Videos, magazines, even the waitress bringing their food—she’s really pretty (aka prettier than you). Jane of course internalized that. Besides physical looks, the other tool is to compare the weakened woman with someone that’s doing better. You’re not as far along in your career as his ex-girlfriend. You don’t really have as much money as girls your same age. You’re still trying to figure out life, while other women are buying homes or forming companies. It’s a chess game, that will have a woman questioning her worth.

When Jane starts to mouth off or stands up for herself, how does Dick break her down? Bitch Checks: You’re putting on weight. Do you really need to be eating that? I see why your ex left you for that other chick. Why do you wear so much makeup? That dress isn’t flattering. What’s your IQ, you say some really dumb things. All you do is gossip and play on the internet. Nobody wants you but me… Remember these things are said over time, sometimes months apart, but they chip away until a woman feels fat, ugly, and dumb. By the time the relationship is in full swing, Jane feels she can’t leave because Dick will turn around and do what her last man did, give another more deserving woman the ring.

[image error]The Best Apologies: A man should apologize by changing his behavior, not by flapping his gums. Promises don’t mean shit and “sorry” isn’t worth the oxygen it takes to say it. Yet, when you’re being Gaslighted common sense goes out the window because you want to believe you can go back to the beginning. He will treat you like it’s your first month of dating and hit those Love Language triggers. You go from blocking him, to lifting your hips up while he slides your panties off for make up sex. Now you feel glowy inside and ride that wave until the next time he blows up on you. Dickticians know you don’t want to start over with a new man, all you want to do is feel loved again by the same man that you’re comfortable with, and this is why they kiss ass so well. Gifts, flowers, surprise dates, calling your family or friends to tell them how you feel, posting affirmations of love publicly. You’re taught that these things mean that a person has changed, but that’s the miseducation of living in a world full of Basicas. A person doesn’t change overnight! Materialistic gifts or shallow out pours are done to stroke your ego. If he truly gave a fuck about you, he would be having discussions about why he did what he did, not trying to nod along and get you to sweep it under the rug.

Using Your Friends/Family Against You: The mask that a Manipulator wore when he first courted you still comes out when he’s trying to get something from you, apologize for something he did, or when company is around. When a man buddies up to your mother or grandmother to the point where he’s going out of his way to do favors for them, you must keep a watchful eye on that relationship. Users know that when things get rough women vent to their girlfriends and whatever maternal figure is available. The girlfriends are easy marks because all he has to do is let you show off. If he buys you things or takes you somewhere exotic, you’re going to tell your girls, they’ll envy it, and think he’s a catch. If you talk about leaving him, they’ll think you’re crazy because he did so much for you. I’ve heard variations of, “Girl ain’t nothing out here, you better work through it with a man that looks out for you,” numerous times, and it works at guilting a woman to stay! Thus, a manipulators job is done without having to say a word.

With family members, it takes more effort to win them over. I once met a woman whose boyfriend paid for her mother and aunt to go back to Jamaica via a cruise. When she tried to break up with him, she talked to her mother who usually had great advice. This time she was tainted, because moms are humans with egos too. Her mother brow beat her about all the bums she’s dated, threw her daddy issues in her face, and said she was trying to get rid of a good man because she didn’t know what to do when someone was too nice. Of course, this woman stayed for another several months, and ended up finally leaving after he nearly strangled her to death. The point is, watch how they move, and always question their motivation for buttering the ass of your friends and family.

Isolating You: Another Gaslighting trick is to get you away from your support system all together so you don’t have anyone chiming in when they see or are told about red flags. In MDLWLY I wrote about the importance of group dates or at least hanging out with other people early in the relationship. When other people ask questions, make jokes, or chime in with opinions around your boyfriend it forces him to react on the spot in ways he can’t with you. Guys with tempers or attention whores can’t stand when they’re not the center of your attention and you will see a shift. Guys who are looking to talk down to you or control you, won’t say anything in mixed company they’ll wait until the drive home, and that’s usually a sign that he’s not who he seemed one on one.

What a man attempting to Gaslight you does is skip all the social stuff so it’s always one on one. When it’s just you two and he has an overpowering personality, he can get his way. Everyone else in your life is a liar or jealous. His ideas don’t make sense, but when it’s just you he can convince you to do it. He’s asking for favors that make you feel nervous like loans or putting things in his name. If you were asking the advice of others you may think twice, but when it’s just you two, he makes it make sense until you do it. Follow me? When you live in a bubble where a man is the one creating your reality that he’s the only one that loves you and your friends and family are all out to bring you down, you stop thinking for yourself and become his puppet. There’s no outside opinion or going for help because he’s made it so that your friends think you’re fake and your family thinks you turned your back on them. Divide and Conquer—works every time.

[image error]Reminding You How Great They Are: Narcissist love to remind you about everything they’ve done to you, from the drink they brought on the second date to the time they came and picked you up from the airport. The narrative in their story is that they’re the hero saving you, the poor helpless peasant, from a world of rival men who used to fuck you and fallback. You’re not that smart, you’re not that pretty without makeup, and your career is going nowhere. They’re the one that sees something in you, they’re the ones looking out for you, they could do better than you, but they stick it out. The words “appreciate” and “be grateful” are a manipulators favorite go to lines. All of these things are throw in your face subtly at first, then it increases every time you step out of line or dare to start an argument.

Example, Jane tells Dick that she feels that he’s growing distant and that their relationship has hit a road block. Dick doesn’t want to lose his puppet so he Dr. Strange’s that shit and goes into the past: He tells her how he used to take her out to all those fancy places. He mentions the money or gifts he gave her. He then points out how her friends are single and jealous. Then the icing on top is to compare himself to all the other men out there. “I’m not out here cheating on you like Kim’s boyfriend, am I? Name one man who’s done half of what I’ve done for you since we’ve been together? You want to be back on Tinder dating a bunch of clowns?” Jane is now scared straight because Dick uses the example that the grass isn’t greener to keep her right in his fucking yard like the obedient bitch he has trained her to be. The sad thing is it works.

Guilting: I didn’t do it, but if I did you deserved it. That never happened, stop making shit up… okay so it happened, but it’s because you did such and such to me first. I don’t tell you anything because you always overreact. Your attitude all goes back to your mother and father’s relationship. The moment a man deflects his negative actions by pointing out something you do then the writing is on the wall that you need to walk away. The only Baecation these bums are going to ever take you on is a Guilt Trip. Argument after argument they will wear you down with “Okay I did that, but you do this,” until you start to believe you’re the reason for your own unhappiness and they’re just innocent bystanders. Guilt is also a tool used when you threaten to break up or leave. “I’m going to kill myself, and you don’t even care.” Or “You’re going to let everything we built end like this? I knew you never loved me.” And finally, the ultimate weapon, “You must have someone else on the side, that’s why you can leave me so easily.” Men are hip to the core of the guilt game—Women don’t want to hurt or abandon those they love so they hold tight even as that person drags them under.

[image error]Ghosting: When a woman is too head strong, too independent, too hard to break, or suddenly tries to Spartan Up on a Dicktician there is one last Gaslighting tactic that works—The Fallback. What do women covet most of all? Transparency. The reason the average girl chases after guys that reject them more than guys that ride their clits is because of a need to know, “Why don’t you want me like everyone else?” When a man doesn’t text back after a date—what went wrong what did I do? When a man doesn’t reach out after sex—what went wrong was I not good? When a man you’re dating becomes distant and doesn’t communicate as frequently—what is going on, did I do something? It’s always YOU YOU YOU. Women race to take accountability for turning a man off, never realizing that it’s not them, some guys are just assholes that never wanted them from the jump. In a relationship where a man has built up equity, Ghosting is a great way to tighten his grip on your mind. Falling back could be the result of an argument or I could be the culmination of you stepping out of the weak role he’s trap you in, regardless of the reason, it goes a little something like this…

Jane hasn’t been texted all day by Dick, so she calls, no answer. Dick does the same thing the next day, so Jane panics and reaches out, this time with anger. Ah-ha! Now Dick can respond back, “That’s the problem, you always overreacting. I need time to myself.” See, boys and girls, the name of the game is to wait for the other person to paint themselves as the bad guy by being hostile. That way you can point it out on the spot and play the victim. Next Jane reaches out with an apology. She’s had time to think, and she did overreact, so she asks for his forgiveness and thinks they should meet and talk. At this point a normal dude would rush back in, but when you’re Gaslighting a woman, it’s not about speed it’s about bringing her to her knees, so she will never rebel again. Dick maintains that he needs time and Jane should respect that. At this point Jane could react by talking to other men or focusing on work in order to stop thinking about him, but none of that will work. As I laid out above, a woman must know what she did wrong or her anxiety will drive her crazy. It’s no longer about the argument or her snapping, she’s fearful that this man she’s fallen for doesn’t want her anymore because she hasn’t been a good enough girlfriend.

Sound familiar? So many women claim, “I’m the best kind of girlfriend,” but, they don’t know if they’re wifey material until a man wifes them. When a guy Ghosts it cuts deep into their ego that they don’t have what it takes to keep a man. The Ghosted woman will lose all pride and dignity and virtually beg for a man to come back or let him come back without any explanation for his actions because she can’t take rejection on that level. In the end, Dick is back in Jane’s life, and this time she’s even more subservient because Dick proved that he can live without her, but she can’t live without him.

Guarding Against Gaslighting

[image error]

The Early Stage: Some of you will read through these signs and think, “fuck it, I’ll just be content with my showerhead and Kindle, men play too many games,” but that’s not the solution. You deserve to be loved and you will find love, but you have to be Spartan enough to play this game like a Goddess not a little girl that just wants to get married. Dating isn’t a race, it’s an interrogation. I’ve filled books with this stuff, so I won’t dwell. The overall idea is to take it slow with each man you date, especially those that jump out the gate as too good to be true. Even if you aren’t dating multiple men, you should never be so consumed by one man that you give him the impression that you are his for the taking. Manipulators don’t waste time with women that are too difficult to hustle or who don’t have a deep want for attention. Meaning that those first few months of him wearing that mask is a result of seeing something in you during those first few dates that tell him you’re a mark, so frontload your first few dates and show him you’re not the one to be toyed with nor some bird looking for a “daddy” to love.

A male User knows the signs of a woman looking desperately for love the same way a woman using Ho Tactics knows when a mark is ripe for the picking. Most people wear their insecurities on their sleeves and don’t even know it. Your attitude, your opinions, the way you kiss at the end of a first date, the fake-ass playing hard to get stuff you do before sex, it’s all typical of a weak woman. Know yourself. Know the signs of Gaslighting. Ask questions. Make a man work…then make him work some more. Point out Red Flags in the moment, not days later. Challenge a man’s opinions on things, don’t just nod along. If he tries to guilt you, tells a bald faced lie, or attempts to make you feel confused about what he said, then that’s a sign that you need to walk away. I don’t care how handsome he is, how much money he has, or who recommended him as a good guy. He will test you early to see what he can get away with, so don’t give him the satisfaction. If he sees you’re more work than expected and that you’re not some timid Basica thirsty for love, he will fallback. This is the ultimate goal with all men, either they hold up to your interrogation and prove themselves or they walk away. Don’t just focus on what they’re saying, the actions have to match their words, and I’m not just talking about hollow shit like good morning texts and pulling out your chair on a date. In a given three week period are they walking like they were talking on day one? Stop trying to make it easy for men to date you, stop trying to turn down your attitude, stop trying to be less picky! Dare any man who wants you to put in work to get you. “I’ll be alone forever if I don’t play the part of a doormat,” are the kinds of women that get fucked over on a regular basis. You are a fucking Spartan, you don’t impress easy.

[image error]

The Late Stage: Some of you just realized you’re in a fucked up relationship. Congratulations, knowing is half the battle, but you’re not out of the woods yet. Months, even years of psychological torture and condition can’t be overturned in a day. The ball is now in your court to break free. The first step is seeing this man as DICK, a user, a manipulator, an abuser not as a human being. Only monsters prey on someone’s loving nature to gain control over them. This idea that he’s your baby, a nice guy, a good husband, a wonderful provider, a loving father, or whatever else he’s gotten you to label him as is counterproductive to your emancipation. He’s the villain! Dehumanize him so you won’t fall into any of his emotional traps. If you continue to see the nice guy inside of him, you’ll hold out hope for change. Which brings me to the next step. Know that change isn’t coming. So many women come to me with “how do we go back to the way it was,” and 98% of the time the stories they share, show that this man is incapable of real change only pockets of playing nice until it’s time to be normal again. Accept that it’s over. Accept that what you once had was a mirage. Those good times, that fantasy that almost came true was a hustle.

The final step, at least for now, is to physically separate yourself from your abuser. You may not be able to just pick up and leave if you live together or have children together, but you can start the process of telling him that it’s gone from a relationship to co-habituating until one of you can move on permanently. For the rest of you it really is as easy as blocking him, telling friends not to talk to him, and ignoring his advances if he pops up. These men won’t give up without a fight which makes this difficult. They will push your buttons in all the ways listed above to remind you that you’re a piece of shit and that you can’t do better. PUSH THROUGH IT! They will try to sweet talk you and buy their way back. PUSH THROUGH IT! They will play reverse psychology games and show up with new girls trying to throw her in your face. PUSH THROUGH IT! The biggest insecurity will be your continued fear of failing, of having made the wrong choice by ending it with this man who swore he was your savior. Fuck him! No man of this earth is your fucking savior! You save yourself in this fairy tale! Push him out of your life, don’t back down, don’t crack, and stick to your guns!

[image error]

Why You?

Remember when Kelly Rowland dropped “Dirty Laundry” and people were in shock that she allowed that kind of abuse to go on? That type of shock is a result of ignorance towards Gaslighting. It’s not just a buzzword used for movies and shitty novels about revenge, it’s a real-world epidemic where it doesn’t matter how rich, how pretty, or how smart you are, if a man sinks his claws in early on you’re fucked. There will be some people who read this and feel that if a woman allows this kind of treatment that’s on her–bullshit. Some people are predisposed to predatory behavior because they have low self esteem or come from a broken home, but it’s never YOUR FAULT. No one asks to be emotionally exploited or deserves to be mentally compromised.

There are narcissistic men out here who feed off women in weakened or desperate states because they crave power over someone who won’t fight back. It’s not bad luck, it’s not men in general, it’s not about you being too stupid to notice, Gaslighting is a calculated con game perpetrated by insecure little men who sweep you off your feet, pinpoint your insecurities, then slowly break you down until you feel like you deserve to be treated like shit. That’s what get’s their dicks hard, a broken woman that now needs him to survive. Never lose yourself in pursuit of a man’s love! No one is so Unicorn rare that you sacrifice your sanity to keep things afloat. The moment you notice them lying, bringing up your past, deflecting his issues in order to point out your flaws, or flat out questioning your sanity, you must step away. Users who prey on women know that many of you are damaged by past relationships and that you secretly blame yourself for things that you had no control over. They use your paranoia, guilt, and regret to build themselves as your last hope for happiness. Fuck that! Everyone has moments of weakness and self-doubt; those times don’t define you. Strength is built over time, setback by setback, and as you learn, you grow. The key is to face your faults, not wallow in them! You are born to be a Spartan, you will shed the skin of the past, and in the end, you will look back at the woman you used to be, not with regret but with gratitude. The process of discovering your power through the wisdom of experience is never a cakewalk. Embrace your evolution, Queen and know that while a man may bend you mentally, he doesn’t have the power to break you!

To download my books click here and Spartan Up!

Tweet

Thanks for reading Ghosting, Guilting, and other Mind Games – How To Guard Against Gaslighting