(Dear first-time voters: Sorry about that.)

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When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
— Hunter S. Thompson
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Okay. Summer’s almost here, so three things are inevitable:

At least ten times a day, some very dull person is going to ask you, “So! Hot enough for ya?” Every week, car dealerships will extend their “LAST CHANCE!” Memorial Day sale for one more week. This will continue until Labor Day. Any minute now, stores will start playing Christmas music.

Bu...