Breaking Up Is Hard to Do: Writing Romance Breakups
I received an interesting question via Goodreads about my approach to writing breakups and thought it might make a useful post. It’s true that one of the most common criticisms leveled at romance is the predictability of story flow: fall in love, break up, reconcile. But that flow is the bargain we romance authors strike with our readers at a crossroads at midnight and it’s sacred to our relationship. Readers like the breakup. And they expect a really great reconciliation!
In romance, the purpose of a breakup scene is to put rocket fuel under the character arc. Breakup scenes move that arc along in a massive way, illuminating something problematic – often unfaced – and unsolvable for the characters in that point in their journey.
But breakup scenes are like sex scenes. They’re an incredibly powerful storytelling device and therefore they must be crafted with great precision. The most effective breakup scenes are highly specific to those two particular characters at that specific moment in time. They can’t be generic or superficial. After all, how much do we despise when a breakup happens as a result of a simple miscommunication, easily avoidable with a couple lines of dialog? And how annoying is it when the breakup feels like nothing more than a ploy to add a little manufactured drama?
We often think of breakups as the event that follows a catastrophic argument, and sometimes that is exactly the right thing for your story. It can be devastatingly satisfying to have your characters let it all out in one good, long brawl. But remember that as a writer, you have a wide array of emotions and circumstances from which to choose, so you don’t have to limit yourself to that one option. A quiet word in the right conversation can be equally devastating. And don’t forget that emotionally speaking, breakups can be gut wrenching or confounding or infuriating or liberating or even humorous.
In romance, breakup scenes can come in so many different forms that they can be anything but predicable! Having said that, there are certain rules that should always guide them. It’s kind of like having a tiger by the tail; you have to take care that it doesn’t turn on you. So here are a few things to consider:
1. Foreplay
The best breakup scenes are set up over the entire course of your story, from the very first chapter. Plan for them meticulously and let the circumstances build over the course of your story because that’s what gives them their impact: your reader has an inkling of what’s coming – can feel it coming, and oh God, does not want it to happen. Foreplay is what makes us as readers want to race to that point in your story and then crash with it in utter aching heartbreak.
2. Timing is everything
Don’t treat a breakup scene like it’s the obligatory 80-percent mark. Sure, sometimes it might rightly come at that point because you need enough time to build up the stakes. But it can also happen much earlier, especially if the intent of the breakup is to allow your characters to come back stronger so they can solve a problem together. Side Effects, my fourth novel, has two breakup scenes – the first comes before the MCs have even gotten together as a couple and it serves the purpose of revealing feelings that neither character was ready to admit. It causes major difficulties in their relationship that take time to resolve.
3. Oh no you didn’t!
Disagreements between human beings are rarely so straightforward as ‘you always leave your dishes in the sink.’ We humans are complicated creatures with long and detailed memories. We can be triggered by things, we can be irrational, we can be vulnerable, and we are usually not at our best when we’re emotional. Arguments can start as one thing and become something else. Or they can mask something much deeper. That complexity is the red meat of a great breakup scene and exploring it with gusto is what will give your scene its superpower.
4. Wrong, right; who can say?
There are times when one character is clearly in the wrong and that’s absolutely the appropriate choice for your story. Maybe they’ve done something colossally stupid, but for a good reason. Or maybe they have a tendency to be self-destructive, which can be utterly devastating. But sometimes the most tragic breakups come when both characters are absolutely right in their positions, when the heartbreak of their situation is that, with all good intentions, they have come to an impasse in which there is simply no good way forward. Surfacing a character’s needs, desires, and motivations creates that delicious complexity that gives depth and realness to your story. Whatever it is, dig in there, and dig in deep!
5. Wait for it
With all that juicy complexity, the impasse may not be resolved in one conversation or with a single heartfelt apology. It’s important to let your characters suffer. It’s important to let them be mad. It’s important to give the reader the satisfaction that a character who has been wronged gets to experience that injustice and then be awarded their due. Hold the tension as long as you can and really make your characters work for the resolution. Your readers will appreciate you for that!
6. Words matter
One of the cardinal rules in writing a breakup scene is that words matter. A lot. What your characters say to each other in the heat of passion can have a massive impact on whether your readers even want them to get back together at all. Personal attacks and name calling should be undertaken with extreme caution. It’s one thing to criticize someone’s behavior (You lied to me!); quite another to disparage them as a human being (You slut!). Of course there are times when name calling can be perfectly acceptable to your reader, and can even add a bit of humor. (Pig-headed man!) But if the name used triggers past trauma or some deep-seated insecurity for a character, it can be unforgiveable to your reader, no matter how innocuous that name may be.
The excitement of writing breakups is that all of these choices are yours to make and you have such a variety at your disposal. Be very deliberate in those choices so they feel deeply personal and individual to your characters in that moment. Breakup scenes are among the very most pivotal in your storyline and they deserve the greatest of care.
For myself, over the years, I’ve come to recognize the impact that writing breakup scenes has on my own psyche. It’s a funny thing – I tend to approach them with a profound mixture of anticipation and dread. Conflict in general is highly interesting and exciting to write, but breakup scenes in particular often make me feel legitimately sad for those days I spend putting words to paper. They can be absolutely exhausting to write. And I suppose, maybe, that’s the point. Life is hard sometimes, and good writing should be a reflection of that. But it's always such a relief to get past that moment where it all goes catastrophically wrong, and then to watch my characters grow and evolve and blossom into the very best versions of themselves.
That’s what I love most about writing romance. Romance readers are, perhaps by nature, a kind and generous bunch. And their passion for stories of triumph, their love of happy endings, and their belief that everyone deserves one – particularly after a doozy of a breakup! – is the reason I put words to paper. We live in a time when people can look anywhere for cynicism and horror. But romance readers seek out joy, unapologetically, and that’s the blissful payoff of a heartfelt breakup. For no one more than the writer herself.
A Fall of Light is out now.
A Fall of Light
In romance, the purpose of a breakup scene is to put rocket fuel under the character arc. Breakup scenes move that arc along in a massive way, illuminating something problematic – often unfaced – and unsolvable for the characters in that point in their journey.
But breakup scenes are like sex scenes. They’re an incredibly powerful storytelling device and therefore they must be crafted with great precision. The most effective breakup scenes are highly specific to those two particular characters at that specific moment in time. They can’t be generic or superficial. After all, how much do we despise when a breakup happens as a result of a simple miscommunication, easily avoidable with a couple lines of dialog? And how annoying is it when the breakup feels like nothing more than a ploy to add a little manufactured drama?
We often think of breakups as the event that follows a catastrophic argument, and sometimes that is exactly the right thing for your story. It can be devastatingly satisfying to have your characters let it all out in one good, long brawl. But remember that as a writer, you have a wide array of emotions and circumstances from which to choose, so you don’t have to limit yourself to that one option. A quiet word in the right conversation can be equally devastating. And don’t forget that emotionally speaking, breakups can be gut wrenching or confounding or infuriating or liberating or even humorous.
In romance, breakup scenes can come in so many different forms that they can be anything but predicable! Having said that, there are certain rules that should always guide them. It’s kind of like having a tiger by the tail; you have to take care that it doesn’t turn on you. So here are a few things to consider:
1. Foreplay
The best breakup scenes are set up over the entire course of your story, from the very first chapter. Plan for them meticulously and let the circumstances build over the course of your story because that’s what gives them their impact: your reader has an inkling of what’s coming – can feel it coming, and oh God, does not want it to happen. Foreplay is what makes us as readers want to race to that point in your story and then crash with it in utter aching heartbreak.
2. Timing is everything
Don’t treat a breakup scene like it’s the obligatory 80-percent mark. Sure, sometimes it might rightly come at that point because you need enough time to build up the stakes. But it can also happen much earlier, especially if the intent of the breakup is to allow your characters to come back stronger so they can solve a problem together. Side Effects, my fourth novel, has two breakup scenes – the first comes before the MCs have even gotten together as a couple and it serves the purpose of revealing feelings that neither character was ready to admit. It causes major difficulties in their relationship that take time to resolve.
3. Oh no you didn’t!
Disagreements between human beings are rarely so straightforward as ‘you always leave your dishes in the sink.’ We humans are complicated creatures with long and detailed memories. We can be triggered by things, we can be irrational, we can be vulnerable, and we are usually not at our best when we’re emotional. Arguments can start as one thing and become something else. Or they can mask something much deeper. That complexity is the red meat of a great breakup scene and exploring it with gusto is what will give your scene its superpower.
4. Wrong, right; who can say?
There are times when one character is clearly in the wrong and that’s absolutely the appropriate choice for your story. Maybe they’ve done something colossally stupid, but for a good reason. Or maybe they have a tendency to be self-destructive, which can be utterly devastating. But sometimes the most tragic breakups come when both characters are absolutely right in their positions, when the heartbreak of their situation is that, with all good intentions, they have come to an impasse in which there is simply no good way forward. Surfacing a character’s needs, desires, and motivations creates that delicious complexity that gives depth and realness to your story. Whatever it is, dig in there, and dig in deep!
5. Wait for it
With all that juicy complexity, the impasse may not be resolved in one conversation or with a single heartfelt apology. It’s important to let your characters suffer. It’s important to let them be mad. It’s important to give the reader the satisfaction that a character who has been wronged gets to experience that injustice and then be awarded their due. Hold the tension as long as you can and really make your characters work for the resolution. Your readers will appreciate you for that!
6. Words matter
One of the cardinal rules in writing a breakup scene is that words matter. A lot. What your characters say to each other in the heat of passion can have a massive impact on whether your readers even want them to get back together at all. Personal attacks and name calling should be undertaken with extreme caution. It’s one thing to criticize someone’s behavior (You lied to me!); quite another to disparage them as a human being (You slut!). Of course there are times when name calling can be perfectly acceptable to your reader, and can even add a bit of humor. (Pig-headed man!) But if the name used triggers past trauma or some deep-seated insecurity for a character, it can be unforgiveable to your reader, no matter how innocuous that name may be.
The excitement of writing breakups is that all of these choices are yours to make and you have such a variety at your disposal. Be very deliberate in those choices so they feel deeply personal and individual to your characters in that moment. Breakup scenes are among the very most pivotal in your storyline and they deserve the greatest of care.
For myself, over the years, I’ve come to recognize the impact that writing breakup scenes has on my own psyche. It’s a funny thing – I tend to approach them with a profound mixture of anticipation and dread. Conflict in general is highly interesting and exciting to write, but breakup scenes in particular often make me feel legitimately sad for those days I spend putting words to paper. They can be absolutely exhausting to write. And I suppose, maybe, that’s the point. Life is hard sometimes, and good writing should be a reflection of that. But it's always such a relief to get past that moment where it all goes catastrophically wrong, and then to watch my characters grow and evolve and blossom into the very best versions of themselves.
That’s what I love most about writing romance. Romance readers are, perhaps by nature, a kind and generous bunch. And their passion for stories of triumph, their love of happy endings, and their belief that everyone deserves one – particularly after a doozy of a breakup! – is the reason I put words to paper. We live in a time when people can look anywhere for cynicism and horror. But romance readers seek out joy, unapologetically, and that’s the blissful payoff of a heartfelt breakup. For no one more than the writer herself.
A Fall of Light is out now.
A Fall of Light
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