A Conversation Between a Presidential Candidate and an Important Person

by Alaa El Aswany

Presidential candidate: Hello, good morning, sir.

Important person: Good to see you. Where have you been? It’s been ages since we heard from you.

Presidential candidate: Well, I’ve been busy with my election campaign. I visit a different province every day and hold a rally until I’m totally exhausted.

Important person: Buck up. Nothing comes easy.

Presidential candidate: I’m your disciple, sir. You set us an example and taught us how to give endlessly.

Important person: Do you need anything?

Presidential candidate: Not at all, thank you sir. I thought I’d call to congratulate you on the Abbasia operation. It really was wonderful. You gave those trouble-making kids an important lesson.

Important person: Thank God. The operation was carefully planned and organized. In fact the State Security officers did a great job.

Presidential candidate: Those State Security officers are true patriots and they knew their jobs. We could never do without them. Preserving State Security was a very wise decision.

Important person: Of course. If we had done what the kids in Tahrir Square said and abolished State Security, we’d be in a real mess by now. No Egyptian government could do without the State Security officers. They’re the only people who know how to control the country.

Presidential candidate: The nicest thing about the Abbasia operation was that the people who sorted out the trouble-makers weren’t army or police. They were ordinary Egyptians who were fed up with the chaos so they went out and beat the people at the sit-in to death. Really upright citizens.

Important person (laughing): They were indeed upright citizens, but they made plenty of money.

Presidential candidate: Whatever, sir, it’s no great loss. Now that the kids know that no one’s going to let them do a sit-in or demonstrate the country will calm down and stabilize, and production will resume. We can’t have them objecting and demonstrating against every decision the government takes.

Important person: That’s all in the past. From  now on if anyone plans to cause trouble we’ll deal with them firmly. Even the families of the detainees went to the military courts, and as soon as they started chanting, the military police came out and gave them a good thrashing and taught them how to behave.

Presidential candidate: God bless you, sir. My God, I sometimes say if we had dealt firmly with the kids from the start, President Mubarak would now be honoured and respected.

Important person: It’s Adli’s fault. He misjudged the situation. In the end it’s all destiny.

Presidential candidate: I feel sorry for President Mubarak. You know it’s his birthday today?

Important person: Of course I know. I called him to say happy birthday, God be with him.

Presidential candidate: A fine man, always has been. There are several important matters I’d like to discuss with you.

Important person: Nothing wrong, I hope?

Presidential candidate: You know, sir, how the young people on the campaign sit on the Internet all day long monitoring everything. Well there’s a video clip on the Internet showing the thugs who beat up the demonstrators getting out of army trucks and there’s a woman who appeared on the Dream channel saying she saw with her own eyes the thugs getting weapons from the Waily police station.

Important person: And what else?

Presidential candidate: Sheikh Hafez Salama keeps saying that military policemen stormed the Noor mosque with their boots on, fired bullets and arrested the people praying and the girls in the mosque.

Important person: And then?

Presidential candidate: I mean that State Security could put pressure on the media so that these stories don’t have any effect on public opinion.

Important person: Of course, State Security gave clear instructions to the journalists and the patriotic writers who work with them to calm people down, but in the end I want to tell you something. These videos, the witnesses and what sheikh so-and-so said – things like that used to matter to us, but that’s all over. If someone wants to take pictures, let them. We’re the way we are and that’s how we operate and that’s what we’ll do every time there’s trouble. From now on, if someone wants to demonstrate, they have to understand that they might be killed at any moment. If they’re in fear for their lives they’ll sit next to mummy and won’t act tough. We have to purge the country of all these troublesome kids. Today they brought me some statements by Sheikh Galil from the Islamic Studies Centre. Know what he said?

Presidential candidate” What did he say?

Important person: The great sheikh said the government in any Muslim country has the right to kill a third of the people for the sake of the other two thirds. That’s the view of Islam and we’re Muslims, thank God.

Presidential candidate: Praise be to God, sir, that’s the right thing to say.

Important person: So let them take pictures if they want. We’re on the alert and from now on if anyone causes trouble we’ll break his neck.

Presidential candidate: I’m really impressed, sir. You always have a clear view of the future. You always help me to see clearly, organize my thoughts and show aspects I can’t see by myself. God bless you, sir, and save you for Egypt.

Important person: I want to say something. Teaching those trouble-making kids a lesson doesn’t mean that we break the law.

Presidential candidate: Of course not, sir. You’ve taught us to respect the law.

Important person: Absolutely. Egypt is a state with institutions. If someone has evidence they should submit it to the public prosecutor, and you know he takes measures immediately.

Presidential candidate: Of course. The prosecutor is a fine man.

Important person: In fact the prosecutor has rare and extraordinary legal experience.

Presidential candidate: Have I kept you long, sir?

Important person: What else do you want? I know you well. You’ve always been a chatterbox (They laugh).

Presidential candidate: Forgive me, sir. You’ve put up with me too much.

Important person: Come on, man. Spit it out!

Presidential candidate: You know I’ve now taken on some difficult responsibilities, sir. I’ve tried my hardest, as you taught me. Of course, anyone who works in Egypt is bound to have enemies, people who are enemies to success, sir. People full of envy and rancour, who like to cast doubt on anyone who’s respectable and make false accusations against them.

Important person: That’s enough rhetoric, get to the point.

Presidential candidate: You know how after President Mubarak stepped down those people with grudges submitted complaints about you. They were all spiteful complaints, God knows, sir. That was more than a year ago. Then suddenly a week ago they summoned me for questioning. Do you approve of that, sir?

Important person: What do you want me to do for you?

Presidential candidate: Sir, I served Egypt with complete honesty and integrity. From you, sir, I learned self-denial and sacrifice for love of Egypt. And after all that they come and question me?

Important person: If you’re clean, why worry about the questioning?

Presidential candidate: I’m not worried about that, sir. That matters to me is to have your approval. If you’re happy with me I’ll go to be questioned with an easy mind.

Important person: I couldn’t possibly interfere in any investigation.

Presidential candidate: You can cut out my tongue, sir, before I ask you to interfere in the investigation. I learned from you to respect the law. All I want to know before I go to be questioned is whether I have your approval or not. I’m worried I might unwittingly have done something to make you angry.

Important person: Lord preserve you, you are insistent!

Presidential candidate: Please, sir, set my mind at ease. Are you satisfied with me?

Important person: I’m satisfied with you. Reassured?

Presidential candidate (sighing): Thank God. As long as you’re happy with me, I can go and be questioned with my mind at ease.

Important person: Okay, I’d better go back to work.

Presidential candidate: Sir, I’m imposing on your generosity, but there’s something else that’s very important.

Important person: Let’s leave it for another time.

Presidential candidate: No, I beg you, sir. It’s something that can’t wait.

Important person: Come on then, spit it out and let’s get it over with.

Presidential candidate: Sir, from you I learned democracy and respecting the will of the people, but the country’s going through a delicate stage, sir. The country’s on a knife edge. The presidential elections are approaching and the opinion polls are very disturbing. The president of Egypt should be a major figure who’s sensible and wise and knows how to bring the country to safe haven. Sir, can we hand the country over to an extremist such as Abdel Moneim Aboul Fotouh or a Nasserist such as Hamdin Sabahi or that kid Khaled Ali the communist? Those are people who go in for slogans and demonstrations,  sir, people who’ve never held any responsibility. If any of those won the elections it would be a disaster.

Important person: The great Egyptian people can tell chalk from cheese.

Presidential candidate: Quite right, sir.

Important person: I assure you the presidential elections will be clean.

Presidential candidate: Completely clean, sir.

Important person: After the elections the result will be declared by the Supreme Electoral Commission. The commission’s decisions cannot be appealed. If anyone casts doubt on the election results or tries to  trump us, we have ways to silence them.  

Presidential candidate: Very well, sir. That’s all well and fine. I know that Egyptians are a great people and very savvy, and I’m sure the elections will be fair, but sir, you showed us how to be straightforward. I’m anxious, sir. The presidency is a serious position and if any of those three – Aboul Fotouh or Hamdin Sabahi or Khaled Ali – won and became president, it would be a disaster. Not a single one of them is stable. If one of them ruled Egypt for a week God knows where the country would end up.

Important person: Don’t worry.

Presidential candidate: I wish you’d say something to reassure me, sir.

Important person: I tell you, don’t worry.

Presidential candidate: What does that mean?

Important person: What, don’t you understand Arabic? I tell you don’t worry, I mean don’t worry.

Presidential candidate: Okay. I understand. God save you for Egypt, sir.

Important person: Come on then, goodbye. You’ve taken up my time. I have a long day ahead.

Presidential candidate: Many many thanks, sir.

Dear reader, do you know who the presidential candidate is and who the important person is? If you have the right answer, please send it to me by email and, God willing, you will receive a valuable present.

    Democracy is the solution.                                    

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