This week is finals week. That means I’m super busy all the time. I won’t sleep much. I may or may not get everything done. But this is also the time in which I feel like the most disappointing to my family.

If I were in therapy, i’m pretty sure that any time my therapist mentioned my dad, inevitably, disappointment would come up. From the day he told me that I was a screw up, to the night he sat by the front door with a baseball bat in case my ex-husband showed up… Disappointment always rang through in our relationship, loud and clear. I love my dad, but this is how our relationship works. He tells me what to do, I balk and then I do what I want, and then I’m a big fat disappointment for having free will.

This is where my chameleon personality came into play. I built all my relationships with other people based on making the other person feel good and allowing them to make me feel crappy without them ever knowing. I hungered for acceptance. I wanted it. So that’s why when I disappoint someone now it rocks me so completely. One disappointment can bring me to my knees.

I can’t deal with disappointment. I hate it. I think that’s where I get into expectations. Because I don’t want ot be disappointed, or to disappoint, I deliberately keep expectations low. I don’t allow people to think that much of me, because then they will expect more and I’ll end up disappointing them. On the flip side, I don’t expect anything, because then I won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. I still find it difficult to depend on other people. I want to do everything myself. I struggle with it.

Expectations don’t feel like expectations though. For the first time in my life, I’m depending on people. I’m writing, and I’m sending pre-edited words to Team Awesome. I’m depending on them to make the words better or rather, to help me make the words better. Sidney, Alice, Carolyn, Sophia, Linda, Lea, Rebekah, Jess… All of them have helped me in some way, given me something. I know that when I need them they’ll be there. So is that an expectation? Or is that experience, because they have been?

I don’t know what to call it. I’m grateful that they are there, and I cherish every opinion I get from them. The funniest thing about it is that I don’t feel disappointed, or feel like I’ve disappointed them. I know that they’re going to tell me the truth, if something sucks or not. And when something doesn’t work and they call me on it, I don’t feel disappointed. Frustrated, yes. Hopeful, sometimes.

It’s weird to think of where I could be if I hadn’t met Team Awesome. Some I knew and met through NaNoWriMo back about three years ago. Some are recent additions that have already made themselves indispensable. I’m a better writer because of them. I disappoint less because of them.

And I sit here hoping that I never disappoint them.